Mom Thinks I'm a "Failure"

Pre-College Issues High School Life
1

My mother has recently begun going off about how I’m not doing anything about my education - how I haven’t been self-studying and learning things on my own. She says I’ve been slacking off in my independent reading (which, admittedly, is true) and that I am wasting my after-school time with entertainment.

As of right now I am a freshmen in HS and I’m making A’s across the board, in mostly honors classes. Classes that aren’t honors are stuff like gym and chorus, though chorus will count as an honors credit next year so that’ll be fixed.
I took Math I and Latin I in 8th grade, so I’m slightly ahead of my peers.

I participate in engineering club (nothing special there) and I am really involved in our school’s Chorus. (I participated in a solo competition this year and earned a superior - the best kind of grade you can get - and in any case freshmen are seldom allowed to compete) I wanted to learn guitar and/or take voice lessons, but she thinks it’s a waste of money and believes that musical extracurriculars aren’t very impressive to colleges.

I’ve tried starting clubs to no avail - the one teacher whom I emailed hasn’t emailed me back in months, which is intensely frustrating, but I’m thinking that maybe she never received it in the first place. I sent her a follow-up email just today.
Many of our school’s clubs are open to older kids only, like NHS.

Ramblings aside, think my mom is being incredibly, INCREDIBLY unfair in her criticism. It frustrates me to the point of tears - I try to tell her how much I’m doing but she writes it off and says that I’m lazy by not doing extra studying after school.
She says that the family doesn’t have any money for me to go to college, and says that I’ll have to rely on financial aid and scholarships. (Family of four, <60k per year) I try to tell her how generous most colleges are when it comes to above-average students, but she doesn’t listen. She says I blend in with the rest and won’t receive financial help.

I understand her concern. She grew up rather poor (in Russia, no less) and doesn’t want me to end up the same way.
But in any case it is so, so infuriating and I’m left fuming and in-tears after arguing with her because I feel very misunderstood but also like a complete failure.

What should I do to convince her otherwise, or does she have a point?

2

@flowercrown, Y

I am not one of the more experienced or knowledgeable people on this forum, so I hope others will chime in as well. Please don’t take anything I say as gospel.

Your mother certainly seems to be very hard on you and you are clearly doing an amazing job in high school. I am not going to try to justify the pressure she is putting on you, but I will take a stab at trying to explain it. Your mother knows the hardship of true privation. She wants so much better for you, but she is terrified because she doesn’t feel she has the resources to make it happen. If she really has no money to help you pay for college, I can understand her panic. You can’t borrow the money you need on your own. You can only borrow up to the federal limits, which isn’t very much. 5.5k freshment year, 6l.5K 2nd year and 7.5 in years 3 and 4. You family may qualify for a pell grant which will provide additional money, but not much.

Unfortunately, the vast majority of schools do not meet full need and the one’s that do are some of the most competitive in the country. If you keep up the work you are doing, you should have a good chance, but excellent students are rejected from these schools all the time. So you mother has a fear that you won’t have any access to college and thats terrifying.

There are a few things you can do. First, I believe your mother is wrong about your need to self study for additional AP’s. The colleges don’t expect that. They want you to take the most rigorous program available at your school, but they don’t want you to spend time taking additional exams. Extra time spent alone in your room studying will not help and might actually work against you. The schools want high academic achievement but also engagement with your community. They don’t want students who come off as grinds who do nothing but study. I’m NOT saying this is who you are, only that spending time studying for additional tests is not likely to benefit you at all.

Perhaps someone could post a link to a good reference for this to show your mother. Unfortunately, I don’t have one. Maybe you could talk with your school guidance counselor who might explain some of this.

The other thing that might help is if your mother knows there is a backup plan in case you don’t get into one of these highly competitive schools. I would look into questbridge which provides full rides for very high achieving low income students. You might be an excellent candidate for that. https://www.questbridge.org/high-school-students/national-college-match/who-should-apply

I would also look at some options for low cost college outside of the elite schools. There is a thread that lists schools with free tuition or full rides for kids with high stats and national merit finalists. Also, what state are you in? Your in state schools might be affordable depending on where you live. The point is to demonstrate to your mother that there are alternatives and that you won’t be left with no college in case the top schools say no.

3

Hi, I’m a Russian mom too. It seems to me you’re doing very well and if you are a good singer, you should have an opportunity to develop this skill, so I don’t think your mom is being fair. But if you start reading more books in your free time, including classic great novels, this will not only go a long way towards placating your mom, but also will help you to develop more fully as an intelligent and perceptive person.

4

@gallentjill
Geeze, thank you so so much for the reassurance and help. It really means a lot.
I’m hoping I’ll be able to find some safety schools that offer the full financial aid I need - and financial aid (directly from a college) isn’t a loan that needs to be paid back, right? Anyway, it’ll be great to ease my mom and it’s a huge stress lifted from my own shoulders as well.
We live in NC. (Adding to my first post - we live in a somewhat-rural part of NC, which means that opportunities are a little bit harder to come by, especially when it comes to clubs and whatnot.)

If anyone could help me with finding some safety colleges that’d fantastic - I’m trying to look around myself but my knowledge on the matter is sorely limited. Out-of-state is A-Okay but I’m sure it’ll be easier to find cheap in-state schools.

@yucca10
Haha, I find the classical novel part interesting - that’s exactly what my mom encourages me to do!
I’m hoping that during the summer I’ll have more free time (and be more motivated to) read some older literature. Personally I’d like to explore Dickens a bit, his writing, from what little I’ve gathered, seems very good.

In any case, thank you for the reply. :slight_smile:

5

Each college’s web site has a net price calculator that estimates financial aid based on family finances (and sometimes includes stats-based merit scholarships). You can try them on each NC public university’s web site.

Merit scholarship lists include those below:

http://talk.qa.collegeconfidential.com/discussion/comment/21089443/#Comment_21089443 (automatic for GPA and test scores)
http://competitivefulltuition.yolasite.com/ (competitive)
http://nmfscholarships.yolasite.com/ (if you make National Merit, based on the PSAT in 11th grade)

Of course, colleges may have changed the scholarships since the lists were made, so verify them on college web sites (especially a few years from now when you actually decide where to apply – rerun net price calculators then as well).

Perhaps your mother can make her own account and post in the parents’ forum section, where others more knowledgeable about college preparation can tell her that aggressive tiger parenting of a kid already earning all A grades is unproductive.

6

@ucbalumnus
Thank you for the resources - I’ll give them a look and see what I can come up with.

Also - some good news! I’ve emailed some teachers and next year I’ll be doing Science Olympiad and will be starting a Battle of the Books club with my teacher. Definitely exciting!

7

@FlowerCrown - You’ve gotten some good advice and you sound like you have the right attitude towards college admissions - find the school that wants you and can help you attend. Hopefully you understand that your mother doesn’t actually think you’re a failure! Moms in general want to make sure their children have every chance to succeed … and sometimes in the process of ensuring that we get carried away and do and say things we regret. Mothers are people and we are fallible. :slight_smile: Try to remember this is your life - your mom wants you to be happy but true happiness depends upon doing what is personally fulfilling. Look for the activities that are meaningful to you as well as the ones that look good for college. Hopefully, if your mom sees you taking advantage of opportunities offered to you she will see that you are on the road to success… on your own terms.

8

@FlowerCrown - I am accutely concerned here. Your mother needs some professional help to put things in perspective. Your putting this out there makes me wonder if you feel a threat to your physical or mental well being. To tell their own child “that you are wasting your time”, that you will “blend in” is BS.

Are you a first generation US citizen?
Do your parents have degrees?
Not to pry, but if your mom is a single mother? If yes, then your financials are worse, and your financial aid will be greater.
What state do you live?

She needs to be educated on what opportunities are out there, and to look for ways to support, not berrate you.

I am truly sorry to hear this - women should support other women and mothers should be the greatest supporters of their own children.

9

Be careful with this assumption. If the parents are divorced, many of the private universities with good need-based financial aid will require both parents’ finances. Because divorced parents are often uncooperative, this can reduce the chance of financial aid at those colleges.

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@ucbalumnus - agree, thank you for the additional clarification

11

@CaMom13
Thank you for the reply, and I do think this is the case. My mom is generally pretty supportive, it’s just those occasions that we talk about college that she gets upset. (Oftentimes she even apologizes for being meaner than she had to be.) However, her talks did inspire me to take action about my extra-cirriculars, so now I’m starting BOB at my school and joining the science Olympiad team. (Next year; you probably saw my post anyway)

@SFBayRecruiter
a) She herself is an immigrant, but my father was born in the US so I’m pretty sure I don’t qualify.
b) Both of them have bachelors’ degrees
c) No, she and my father are still together. Our finances aren’t the worst - we afford to get by (obviously) and occasionally we have money to splurge on luxuries, but college is insanely expensive and that’s the problem.
d) NC

Most of the time she is supportive and loving, but usually whenever I bring up college she gets sort of hostile about it. (Occasionally she’ll bring it up on her own - but usually she’s having a bad day and just needs an outlet I guess. Sometimes she apologizes for being too harsh, other times she sticks to her guns.)

I understand her being stressed and/or worried about admissions, I am too, but sometimes she takes it to the extreme and her critique becomes hurtful. Maybe if she knew more about the process she’d be less scared for me?

12

I would keep it very simple. She is telling you, clearly, that you are on your own for college. Ignore her criticism - not easy or fair but what else is a better idea? Take ownership of the fact that you are on your own for financing your education. Get input from guidance counselors and other reputable people who might give you sound career advice. Anticipate what you would have to do to get merit scholarships and set your goals accordingly.

Maybe she is being cruel and unreasonable because she feels guilty she can’t do more. Maybe she resents that you are doing better than she could have. All interesting, but you won’t really know until your 30’s so don’t let the issue ruin you in the meantime.

13

@FlowerCrown - just speaking for myself, parenting is hard. Letting go of your kids is hard, watching them head into the great unknown where you can’t protect them or help them is hard - and we parents are a lot less tough than we appear to be. You’re doing everything right, just keep the lines of communication open, trust that when she’s overly rough on you she’s probably coping with her own set of fears and try to forgive and forget when she loses it and says things that really aren’t fair - hopefully she’ll do the same for you. I’m glad you’ve got a plan that will benefit you both and I hope you love your new activities! Science Olympiad is awesome.

14

OP: Life is not fair.

Your mother has seen & experienced poverty.

She is trying to communicate to you her fears, experience & recognition of everything America has to offer to those who do well in the education system.

Reading is very important.

Her comments are intended to motivate you, not to deride you.