Hi, I’m a junior in high school, living in Pittsburgh PA. When talking to my mom about my college list, she explicitly states she wants me to stay close to home. I’m applying to U of Pittsburgh and Slippery Rock U, but the rest of my schools are at least 3 hours away. My farthest school is U of Maryland College Park. Most of my schools are in the DC/NoVa area or Ohio where my older sister lives, with the exception of Bucknell U in eastern PA. I don’t feel like i’m going very far. I’m a pretty independent kid, but my mom is concerned I won’t take care of my health or I will have a meltdown and want to come home. I make my own schedule and do what I need to do without being reminded. I’m eager to get settled in a college environment and make new friends. I’m appkying to schools that cater to my academic interests and seem like a good social fit.
What should I do to make her more accepting to me going farther away?
Ask her what her concerns are about you going farther away. Listen to her. Gather data that speaks to these concerns to persuade her that going to X school would actually be better for you.
What geographic areas and schools are “close to home” by her definition?
Also, have you checked the net price calculator at each school’s web site? Sometimes, cost is the unstated reason for parental preferences, even if their assumptions about cost may not be correct. But if you find that one of your further away schools is significantly less expensive than the nearby schools, that may help convince her. (However, out-of-state public schools generally give little or no financial aid, although some may give merit scholarships.)
This whole malarky about “having a meltdown” would still apply if she forces you to go to a school you hate just because she’s close-by. She should at least open up the options so that you can go to a school within the NE USA or something like that.
Are you sure she’s not concerned about costs but covering that by using a red herring excuse?
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I'm a pretty independent kid, but my mom is concerned I won't take care of my health or I will have a meltdown and want to come home. I make my own schedule and do what I need to do without being reminded.
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Well, you’ve got several months to “kick it up a notch”…and really take care of your health (do you have a chronic condition that is being monitored?), do extra chores without asking, do your own laundry, DON’T HAVE MELTDOWNS or tantrums! Show her that you can manage yourself and emotions! Good luck
What is your dad saying?
It seems to me that the first order of business is to see what colleges you get into and what schools are affordable. Then you can take it from there.
Have you had any issues in the past that would cause your mom to be particularly concerned?
Why does it seem common for parents to make up other reasons for limiting the student’s college choices when cost is the real reason? Seems like just saying up front (before application season) “we can afford to contribute $____, so that plus the small federal loans and small work earnings is your price limit” would result in much less continuing conflict than making up a reason that is not the real one.
she would like me to stay within 1 hour of her or my sister. There are not many schools in that limited area! We have agreed that my mother would contribute 20k to my tuition and my sister would pay for my room and board, hopefully I can get some scholarships also. I have saved money over the past year for grocery and toiletry funds.
I already take care of own chores (laundry, dishes, etc) I have proved I can hold a part time job, i am a good worker and always impress my bosses. My health condition is easily manageable but I will admit i’m horrible at taking medication regularly. I have SAD but I have come a long way through therapy. I don’t have a dad (this does not affect our financial situation, my mother is very successful) but my sister and other close family members agree that I am responsible enough to be 3 or 4 hours away.
Well, I can see why your mom is saying stay close by. You need to get your actions to the point she sees this is not a problem. That’s on you.
My mom feels similarly, although she would support me anywhere, but I don’t really care what she thinks, it’s my life and I don’t plan on having my parents help out with finances much, if at all. Sounds like you need her to pay, so you’re more restricted. The suggestions others have made about being more responsible should work.
@trevo45, It’s going to be a challenge for you to cover all your college expenses with just merit aid and a job. If your parents can’t/won’t pay, you need to search carefully. OOS colleges may not be affordable.
OP, it sounds like your family is concerned that you won’t take care of your health and want you where they can keep an eye on you. Now’s the time to take responsibility for yourself. Keep up with your meds and whatever else you’re supposed to be doing and show them that you’re capable of handling it.
And IMO it isn’t just a question of maintaining your help, but perhaps they want someone nearby in case there is a problem or flare-up down the road.
For now I would say that your best course of action is to show responsibility for your meds, then see how things work out in terms of admission/affordability, and take it from there.
So, my daughter is going a plane ride away. Her choice. She was very sick with the stomach flu earlier this week and while she was lying on the floor of the bathroom, she looked at me and said: “what’s going to happen if I am this sick next year and you’re so far away!”-- while she realizes she will be fine, she also realized that sometimes, being close is nice. One or two hours away is actually “away” but is also accessible when necessary.
OP- as a mom, I have to agree that I would be really worried about the health and medication. My eldest stopped taking hers and lied about it to me in college. She did completely melt down and being half way across the country I really was limited on my ability to help her. And she was very compliant about the meds when she was home as a senior in high school.
You also need to make sure that your insurance will cover you OOS…or that the school plans will be good enough to deal with any health issues you currently have.
You say your sister will pay your room/board costs! Will she do that for four years? That’s about $40,000 plus.
Where do you want to go?
OP – you need to be diligent about taking your medications; not for your mom, but for you. It’s a habit you MUST acquire before you’re on your own. The fact that it will show your mom that you are more reliable is just a bonus.
Like @toomanyteens, my D15 took medication until she went away, then stopped. She was 11 hours away and we couldn’t tell she was having issues.
D17 has an autoimmune disease. I’d love to keep her closer, but she will be 8 - 12 hours away, depending on the school she selects. She’ll need to arrange for accommodations, get herself back and forth to appointments and treatments, etc. I absolutely wouldn’t let her go if I weren’t confident that she could handle it well. Perhaps your mom has the same mindset. The solution? See paragraph #1.
Good luck!
If you want to be treated like an adult, then you need to be responsible for taking your own medications. It’s really important with a chronic health condition. If you can’t remember to do it, set a daily reminder every day on your cell phone so it bugs you to take your meds. SAD isn’t something to mess around with. If you were my daughter, I’d probably be pressuring you to stay closer to home if you weren’t compliant with your medication. Behavioral health conditions are not like having a bad cold that just automatically goes away after a few days.