moms, wat should i do with my mom?

Parents Corner
21

<p>You have to not worry so much about making your mom sad. Does she care about what you want? No. Does she care that she is making you sad? No. Tell her that the first year of classes are basically the same no matter the major. Do the research. Find what classes you need to take. You may never make her happy. Never. So why sacrafice your life for her? You must not let her blackmail you into doing everything she wants. You are almost an adult. You have a right to make smart choices. That being said, if she is paying for all your college, she may decide not to pay if you don't go her way. If so, play the game, take the classes that will work for all the majors you decide, and with time, maybe she will turn around. In the meantime, look for other ways to pay.</p>

<p>What I suggest is to not argue, not fight. Say Mom, I hear what you say. When I get to school, I will have lots of time to figure all this out. I declared a major because I needed to put something down. If I am meant to be a doctor, than so be it. But let me get through the first year of classes, see how I do. If you want me to do well in life, you need to support me. Right now, you are just making it diifficult to keep doing well in school, because it seems I can't focus if you are so disappointed in me. Then stop. Say no more. Do not expect any change. THere won't be for awhile. Keep saying, Mom and Dad, no matter what, I love you. I care about you. Every time they yell, say, well I love you. Once you are at school, the right path will open up. </p>

<p>Good luck, take some deep breathes. </p>

<p>ps- So your mother is sad...big deal. Really. Its her choice to be sad, you aren't making her sad. She is in fact trying to emotionally bully you. You have to let her feelings go. Otherwise, she will do it your whole life. With a spouse. How you raise your children. Where you live. Where you work. It sounds like no matter what, she will be sad. Don't worry about that. If you follow your passion, you can help people. THat should make her proud. It would make me proud as a mother. </p>

<p>I am sorry your mother is being so difficult. But, hold strong. She may have some emotional issues. If so, no matter what you do, it will never be enough, so why sacrafice yourself? Step back, catch your breath. Focus on school.</p>

22

<p>Asian psycologists aren't good? That's insane. The asian dude on Law and Order SVU is awesome.</p>

<p>Hehe, sorry. I get the same sort of thing, to a much lesser extent, but you do feel it. We're not an entierly Asian household - my dad came over when he was ten, and my mother is, yes, Irish. ;) If I say I want to study computer science, my dad will say, "You don't want to study computer science..."</p>

<p>Gee, thanks for letting me know, dad!</p>

<p>Anyway, being the decietful child that I am, I just try to change the subject to, say, food, or laundry, or something safe. Or I go into avoidance mode until the phase passes. Become busy with schoolwork or ECs and take walks and try to enjoy spring. Parents are funny creatures. And you never know; after a year of college, they might miss you enough to agree to whatever you want. Ultimately, it's your education and your call.</p>

<p>Best of luck!</p>

23

<p>Casper:</p>

<p>Something else is occuring to me. Apart from her health issues, your mom may be feeling sad because the 30th anniversary of the fall of Saigon is coming up. For a lot of Vietnamese refugees, this is a sad time. And if you live in Little Saigon, there is probably lots going on right now that make it difficult for your mom not to dwell on her losses and sufferings. So perhaps her sadness is being projected on to you. As I and others have said, try to avoid discussing your college plans with her; talk about something else.<br>
When you are in college, you will be better able to forge your own path. For the moment, try to avoid distressing yourself and your mom.</p>

24

<p>"Anyway, being the decietful child that I am, I just try to change the subject to, say, food, or laundry, or something safe. Or I go into avoidance mode until the phase passes. Become busy with schoolwork or ECs and take walks and try to enjoy spring."</p>

<p>That's not being deceitful: What you're doing is a wise way to avoid unnecessary conflict. I have heard other Asian immigrants' children say they do similar things, and those methods apparently do work.</p>

<p>One other thing: Keep in mind that your mom is giving you guidance out of love, and out of her own ignorance about how things work in the US. If you can remember that she loves you, it will be easier for you to avoid conflict without getting into a battle or feeling you have to immediately cave in to her desires.</p>

25

<p>Casper:
Convince your mom that your major has nothing to do with whether you can become a doctor. May be she thinks if you study psychology you have no chance but you can study anything and become a doctor later if you want to and it's not a lie truthfully. You don't have to study Bio. May be there is a misunderstanding that you have to study Bio.You should study what you love, you have better chance of getting good grades for graduate school
Marite:
"Apart from her health issues, your mom may be feeling sad because the 30th anniversary of the fall of Saigon is coming up. For a lot of Vietnamese refugees, this is a sad time", I'm Vietnamese who has been here more than 30 years and still remember where I was when I heard Vietnam felt to the communist. To be honest, most of the Vietnamese have moved on, not sad. My sister has been back to Vietnam twice, the anniversary is not neccessary sad for all Vietnamese.</p>

26

<p>Your mother is not a happy person. Very little that you do-- or don't do-- will change that. So long as you are basically hard working, honest, loving, and respectful, nothing that she complains about could possibly be legitimate enough to cause these histrionics.</p>

<p>Do not let your mother ruin your happiness.</p>

<p>Listen to her and consider her points carefully. Do your best to be loving, cooperative and as mentioned above to avoid conflicts. But-- bottom line-- do not live a false life in a vain attempt to make your unhappy mother happy. You are not the cause--so nothing you do will be the solution.</p>

<p>It is very sad that she does not trust psychology. She probably really needs some professional help. Is there anyone like a family friend, aunt, or grandparent who could help her seek help? Could your Dad intervene? Also, could a trusted intellectual person help your mom understand the merit of your academic goals? Is there an Asian psychiatrist or doctor in your community who could show them the objective need for people in the field? Maybe the advice of a someone with a MD would impress them.</p>

<p>Your comment about your sister may also relate. Because her future is limited, are you now supposed to give "two kids' worth" of achievement/happiness you your mom? If so this is very unfair.</p>

<p>I think it is really commendable that you are able to love and sympathize with your mom after her behavoir has been so out of line. You have a great capactiy for empathy, generosity and self-effacement. Don't let these wonderful qualities make you bend over so far backwards that it hurts you, though. Be as nice as you can while still paying attention to your own dreams and your own needs.</p>

27

<p>Casper, if you want to be a psych major, then your situation with your mom is an excellent starting place for you to think about human psychology and what makes people tick. Kind of like your own little space for clinical observation right at home. So take your mind out of the emotional/personal mode, and put it in dispassionate observer mode when you deal with your mom. For added fun, you can read some relationship books and try varying your response to your mom, and see what happens. </p>

<p>In psychology, there is something called "displacement" - which is what happens when someone is talking or arguing to you about one thing when they really are upset about another. You know what your mom is upset about? She is probably very, very upset about losing you -- having you move away (is UCLA closer than UCI?) -- and letting go of her influence and control over you. She is telling you what you ought to do not because she really thinks it is essential, but because she thinks she needs to tell you SOMETHING so you will listen to her, and she is afraid that when you aren't under her control, you will go off and have your own life and never come home any more and you won't be there to love her any more. Also, she's spent the last 17 or 18 years protecting you and guiding you, and she's afraid that if she leaves you to your own devices, and of course she doesn't want your life to be anything less than perfect. </p>

<p>I know I am right that she has these feelings because all of us mothers have them -- some of us are just a lot better than others at keeping a lid on it. And some of us approach things differently -- I had a naggy, controlling mother so I wanted to leave home early, and as my kids grew up I was afraid that if I were naggy and controlling I would drive them away from me, and they would move far away and never come home and never call and not love me any more - so I'm much nicer and more supportive and pretend not to be upset or angry a lot of times when I really do disagree with my kids. But do you see? I'm dealing with it differently, but deep down I'm afraid of the exact same thing that your mom is. </p>

<p>So what you really need to do is reassure your mom that you love her and that her advice is important to you, and that she will always be the most important person in your life. (That's not true, you'll probably get married some day and have kids of your own, but for now, us mom's like thinking we're #1). Buy her little sentimental gifts or cards to show how much you like her or are thinking of her. When she is in a good mood, be extra affectionate and give her a big hug. When she tells you what you should major in, say, "I think you might be right, I'm really going to think about what you are saying - I'll definitely ask the college advisors about that." (See, it sounds like "yes" but it's really saying "maybe")</p>

<p>Then when you do go away, you will keep your mom happy by remembering to call a lot and tell her how much you love her and miss her -- and keep right on changing the subject if she asks too many questions about school. </p>

<p>And let her go right on lying to her friends if she wants - that's her problem, and has to do with her insecurity about her friendship - it has nothing to do with you. My own parents lied and said one of their grandchildren had a merit scholarship at Harvard -- (Harvard without a merit award wasn't good enough) -- and of course Harvard doesn't give merit aid. They also told their friends that my son had a full scholarship to college when he had about a half-scholarship - again, 50% wasn't good enough. This stuff went out in their annual Christmas letters to everyone on the planet... brag, brag, brag. What you realize eventually is that half the stuff that other parents are saying about their kids is equally inflated. Heck, your mom's friends are probably telling her all sorts of lies, and deep down maybe she knows they are not telling her the truth and is just playing along with her own inventions. </p>

<p>Anyway, like I said, you've got your own little psych ward at home where you can observe and learn to your heart's content.</p>

28

<p>Casper,
Your mom is not crazy just because she does not trust psychology. It's a culture thing, I don't trust psychology either( however, I trust fortune teller, ha ha), I use it but not trust it. You are caught between 2 cultures and you must learn to navigate and bridge the culture gap.
OT, I used to work with this nutcase(whom I helped get hire) who claimed to have a Phd in Psychology from Stanford but working in Engineering field and he used some form of control measurement(psychology) to measure productivity as he claimed, but he ended up getting fired because he alienated everybody in the group included his boss.</p>

29

<p>Be careful what others say about your situation. They do not really know what the situation is. I would look to other adults in your family or community that may be able to help you understand your mother's position and help you communicate your goals to your mother. There are a lot of posts analyzing you and your mother with very little information.</p>

30

<p>
[quote]
Your mom is not crazy just because she does not trust psychology. It's a culture thing, I don't trust psychology either( however, I trust fortune teller, ha ha), I use it but not trust it. You are caught between 2 cultures and you must learn to navigate and bridge the culture gap.

[/quote]
I only know this second hand, as my closest colleagues are Chinese-Americans and as we have discussed child-rearing they have shared a lot of stories with me. As we respond to Casper, those of us who are not from her(his?) culture need to remember that (s)he does have a very unique experience (s)he is describing.</p>

31

<p>Hi Casper, </p>

<p>I'm not a mom but I'm in a similiar position that you are in. I'm from a Chinese family, and my mother's a single mom. I'm aspiring to be a psychiatrist. (She actually doesn't care if it's on the psychology side as long as I become a doc.)</p>

<p>My mom's the same in that she gets emotional very easily, and at times threatens suicide. I grew up with a lot of verbal and sometimes physical abuse.</p>

<p>Over the years, I guess I grew to understand that being a single mom in such a pressuring Asian community is a lot of what is behind my mom's actions. She doesn't mean it, and while it is unexcuseable, she can't help it. She wants to see success, and while a major part of that is so that I can have a better life then hers, it's also the "saving face" part-- that on her own, she raised a daughter that can match up with the other kids who had educated mothers and fathers. </p>

<p>It's a tough place to be in. What I can say is, with each argument it will end. I have never gone through a day without an emotional argument, but even crying or having a sore throat from yelling back (which I don't do anymore), I'm a bit wiser and stronger at the end of it. </p>

<p>That's corny I know. </p>

<p>But I found that as I got older, I let the arguments effect me less and less. They still effect me, but now it's to the point that I can tell when an argument will come and what the words spewing out of her mouth would be. </p>

<p>So, I'm just letting you know that your mom does care, and while you should listen to her advice, listening isn't the same as following them. Find the balance between your wants and hers, something that will make you happy, but content that you haven't completely hurt your mom in the process. But in the end, as everyone's say, it's your life. </p>

<p>Best of luck.</p>

32

<p>I think this is what Casper wrote:
"
my mom has been very disappointed n sad (she kept yelling n crying n being sad) wen i told her i'm gonna major in Psychology and Premed. (she wants me to be doctor/dentist) she thinks only bio is good since double major is too hard n psychology means nothing. i tried to explain many ways but everytime she either yell saying i'm unwise or just say: i'm too disapopinted in u to even think about it so don't talk about it." </p>

<p>If you read this, Casper wants to study Premed/Psychology, which means she wants to be a psychiatrist/psychologist. Isn't psychiatrist a doctor? Ok if Casper tells her mom she's studying to be a doctor(not a lie), Casper's mom can tell her friend that she's actually pre-med at UCI.</p>

<p>Casper wrote: "she thinks only bio is good" means Casper's mom only think biology major will get you into medical school which is a misconception. Casper needs to tell her mom that is a misconception. Your undergraduate major has nothing to do with whether you can get into medical school or not. It's the GPA that counts.
Casper, this is when you need to use psychology, you are your mom's only hope, that is why she is sad.
Sorry, an overanalyzed engineer on my day off.</p>

33

<p>What the OP needs to remember, and I really don't care what culture someone comes from (we are Irish Catholic so there you go) is that a son or daughter is not responsible for a parents ultimate happiness. OUr job is to make sure our child grows up to be a caring responsible adult who makes good decisions. If that child makes responsible choices that a parent does not like, well too bad. If that parent is controlling and sad, so be it. If that parent is abusive, cruel, demeaning and harsh, is that okay because it is "normal" in that culture? Why get put down for wanting to have your own life? Why accept abuse? That in my book, is not parenting, that is manipulation. People seem to want to make excuses for parents being so mean to their children. Would we take it from a spouse? A boss? A teacher? A friend? </p>

<p>Casper, I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this. You deserve respect.</p>

34

<p>citygirlsmom. Not making excuses. But everyone exists in the context of a culture - culture of origin, culture of residence.</p>

35

<p>True, but does that make being cruel okay?</p>

36

<p>citygirlsmom states "What the OP needs to remember, and I really don't care what culture someone comes from (we are Irish Catholic so there you go) is that a son or daughter is not responsible for a parents ultimate happiness. OUr job is to make sure our child grows up to be a caring responsible adult who makes good decisions. If that child makes responsible choices that a parent does not like, well too bad", I think you should read some Amy Tan books to help understand Asian culture. What you mention is very a western philosophy/thinking. Do you know what it means "saving face"? in Asia culture.</p>

<p>I'm married to a European man so I know where the different in 2 cultures come from and I remember I used to think my mother did not understand me when I was younger (I came here when I was a teenager so I became Americanized very quickly)</p>

<p>Eventhough I don't profess to know what Casper is going through(my mother was very liberal), however they were always some misunderstandings between the 2 cultures.</p>

37

<p>Not okay, but possibly more understandable. Within the context of that culture and that generation, the pressure and control might not be considered cruel.</p>

<p>Case in point, aroundthecorner's story. A beautiful post. Well done, around.</p>

38

<p>Misunderstanding is one thing. Being cruel and hurtful is something else. So it is different culture. I live in San Francisco. My D' class is over 50% asian. I don't hear about these parents being so cruel to their kids. I see pressure, I see pushing (I do the same) but I don't see the manipulation seen here. </p>

<p>I think saying its an Asian/Chinese thing is a cop-out and an excuse. If this mother were a white american, would her behavior and treatment of her child be okay? If you had NO IDEA she was Asian, would her behavior still be understandable and acceptable? </p>

<p>As for saving face, in any culture, demeaning your child for your own pride and ego is just sad.</p>

39

<p>citygirlsmom,
I'm sure when these Asian parents in San Francicso being cruel and hurtful to their kids they would call you over to share their problem.(lol)
I'm not condon the behavior as you suggest, I'm just trying to understand the problem and how to solve it(typical engineer!)
I go to work at one of the 30 Dow Jones company and I hear constant screaming/yelling/belittle everybody on daily basis from one of the Asian bosses. For some westerners(and me) that is considered abusive, but for some Asians they accept/manipulate/ignore/condon the situation.
So it's not a perfect world even in large company let alone a small family.</p>

40

<p>That is for adults, not someone's child. What Casper needs to learn is this is not right, for someone to be so mean. From a parent, it is really hurtful. </p>

<p>If it was a MAN saying these same things to WOMEN, would it be okay? If it was a white saying it to a black, would it be okay?
If it was an Mexican saying it to an Irishperson, would it be okay?
If it was a straight saying it to a gay, would it be accepted?
If it was Christians saying it to Muslims, it would be tolerated?</p>

<p>Oh, they are asian so they can treat people badly...its in their culture and they are used to it! Its okay to make sexist remarks cause it in their culture, its okay to say racist things because, hey, its what they grew up with....</p>

<p>I am saddened that we are so tolerate of abuse because it comes from a certain group.</p>

<p>It seems we are making excuses based on race. Because they are Asian, we should tolerate screaming and yelling ....interesting....</p>