parents plz help this frustrated kid

Parents Corner
1

<p>1) i recently have been denied from UCLA, which to me isn' a big deal since I only tried enuf for UCI (cuz my parents wanted me 2 go to UCI)</p>

<p>N now they lie about me getting in UCLA w/ relatives n stuff so they can feel better. They tell me to lie about it too n i dont wanna get involved w/ lying like that...especially wen i'm not even embarrassed w/ not getting in.</p>

<p>N so this is making me feel really bad, itz like my parents r not proud of me at all.</p>

<p>2) My mom found out i put psychology major on application n she was VERY disappointed. Asian parents have something against psychology n they don't really believe in it. THey're typical parents who want me 2 be pharmacist/ortho/dentist...
they like nothing else besides those. NOTHING ELSE.</p>

<p>3) My mom just told me my dad doesn't want another baby cuz he feels our family doesn't love each other wen in fact we're such a happy family, so close. Although we tend to not show A LOT of love, we're still way closer than most families i see around me. But for some reason they imagine that we dont love each other.</p>

<p>Plz help me cuz this is getting very bad.</p>

2

<p>My my, this is not a pretty scene....Your mom should not be putting you in the middle of her and dad's problems. When she says that about not loving each other enough, say that whe she says that it hurts you and you love them both very much. If she says it again, say it again. Over and over again. She will realize she can't play you like that and what you are saying is true. Give her a hug, and say "Well, I do love you both".</p>

<p>Also tell them you don't like lying...that is not the way they raised you. And, you are really afraid to lie for them because you might slip up and the lie could come out. If relatives ask, say you would rather talk about where you are going to school. You don't want to embarrass your parents by showing their lies, but you don't have to support it. " I don't really want to talk about UCLA, but I do want to talk about where I am going".</p>

<p>The first couple of years at school are pretty general- take courses that give you options. Perhaps once you are in the midst of school and doing well, they will let go of preconceived notions.</p>

<p>I am so sorry your family acts this way. It is pretty sad. Take care of yourself, don't lie, and tell them when they talk like that it makes you sad. Use those words. Say you love them alot and wish they could see what a great kid you are. Sometimes that is what it takes.</p>

<p>Keep us posted....and are you in UCI yet? Not that it matters, but it would give you something to share with relatives</p>

3

<p>1st of all thank you so much for ur advices =)</p>

<p>I'm still waiting for UCSD (1st choice) decision n I was accepted to UCI, UCR, UCSB. Just not UCLA (2nd choice)</p>

<p>N now they dont want me 2 go far to SD if i get accepted although itz a better school academically. They said they wanna visit me at UCI. So my dad was like: "dont go to UCSD, they probably denied u cuz u still havne't heard from them" (although it hasn't even posted)</p>

<p>Although i'm a girl, because my parents wanted a guy, they raised me like a boy, so I never show much love by hugging or kissing... I only do good things so they can be proud of me. BUt now i'm lost.</p>

<p>I did tell my mom that she doesn't know how i feel n that of course I love everyoen in my family. But my parents think they know me better.</p>

<p>My dad put me down many times n said I dont fit for being a psychologist cuz of my personalities... he said i'm good at everything else excpet psychology...cries... which isn't true. Maybe i'm bad at psychology cuz i can't convince them anything.</p>

<p>For major issue, just to make them feel better I said i'd double major in psychology n something they like, they said no, itz a waste of time n money n that other ppl have told them itz best if i know where to go BY NOW.</p>

4

<p>You will have time in school to figure out what you want to do. Tell your dad that. Can your counselor at school talk to them? Who is paying for college?</p>

5

<p>my parents r very bz n barely speak english. I'm gonna have to take out loans n pay for it later</p>

6

<p>Casper,
I feel for you. Been there, done that....many yrs ago. I am the eldest...and a girl. My parents were not as harsh as yours...although my father did mention pharmacy as a great vocation.;) I just listened...and knew that once I was away at college, there was little they could do. It is hurtful...but, there is only so much you can say...without widening the rift. Unfortunately, you need to accept the fact that (for now) they are not going to be convinced otherwise. Their hurtful and demeaning commentary is their way of manipulating you into submission. I use to excuse the way my parents acted by saying, "They never attended college and, therefore, don't know how difficult it is." The one thing I did learn from them is how NOT to raise with my own children. The advantage is that both my husband and I DID attend college. So, our perspective is totally different from that of my parents. Live and let learn... Hang in there...and the best of luck to you! :)</p>

7

<p>I am sorry for what you are going through. Some parents make it realatively easy for their offspring to follow their own paths. Some, like yours, make it difficult.</p>

<p>I encourage you to follow the advice of telling your parents that you will not lie because you know that's unethical. Difficult as it will be now to follow your own path, it will be far worse if you cave into them because they'll continue to try to control your life.</p>

<p>Taking a stand now for the things that you believe in will more than likely cause a big rift, but if you steadly stay on your path, more than likely, your parents will come around.</p>

<p>A former student of mine ended up going to his first choice college over his parent's objections. (As in your case, his parents were paying nothing for his college -- he had full scholarships, but they were insisting that he go to a college that he didn't want to attend).</p>

<p>They told him that he would be a nothing if he went to his choice of college. They also said they would disown him.</p>

<p>When he told them that he wasn't backing down, they stopped speaking to him. The last months of his senior year in h.s. were spent in a household where his parents weren't talking to him.</p>

<p>Anyway, he went to his choice of college, became a major star on campus (winning several national awards that included a national essay writing contest in which he had written about how he made his college decision), and graduated to a wonderful job.</p>

<p>His parents hosted his graduation party, and his father publicly apologized for trying to steer his son to a different college.</p>

<p>My ex student says that making his college decision was the toughest thing that he ever had to do, but it helped him become the person whom he is today: A person who stands up for what he believes in whatever the cost.</p>

<p>I hope hearing that story provides some encouragement for you. I also hope you'll rely on the parents here for a boost as you go through this difficult process of creating your own life.</p>

8

<p>Casper;
Not sure how long you've been on CC, but there were some very funny threads posted last year about Asian parents. Many Asian students have difficulties similar to yours. It might help you to read through them but they are located in the 'old' CC forums. </p>

<p>To get to the old forums, click on:</p>

<p><a href="http://www.collegeconfidential.com/discus/%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://www.collegeconfidential.com/discus/&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

<p>On the left hand side, you will see 'Message Search'. Click.</p>

<p>Type in 'Asian Parents' for the subject Search.</p>

<p>Pick 'College Admissions' for the Search Topic</p>

<p>Pick 'Subject Lines' for the Look in</p>

<p>Then click 'Perform Search'</p>

<p>Number 1 on the list: </p>

<p>College Admissions: March 2004 Archive: Asian Parents -_-' ~~~!!!!</p>

<p>Had me in stitches. I think it will cheer you, too. You can also use the subject "Asian Parents' and look in 'College Search and Selection'. There are a few threads about how to convince Asian parents--a very specialized field!</p>

<p>My parents didn't want me to go to my first choice university-- after I got in--off the wait list--in August (!) My grandmother intervened and I got to go--but my parents made it very difficult. I paid for nearly half of it myself by taking out loans, becoming an RA, taking a year off to work, working summers etc. I never think about the loans. They were easy to pay off.</p>

<p>My parents have amnesia about the whole subject--and about the time they decided to disown me when I moved in to an apartment with darling husband-to-be without a marriage certificate. </p>

<p>Now, there is no end to their boasting, as they are that thrilled that I am an architect with my own practice and two fine boys and lovely H. </p>

<p>I love them dearly, but in a million, trillion years they would not have made the best decisions for me. In the end, your parents cannot 'know'
your story. You have to make those choices--and be prepared to forgive your parents for trying to control you! :)</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

9

<p>Resist, Casper - parents should not choose your major or career for you, period, end of story, even if their essential reasons are well-meaning (e.g. "I really want my daughter to have a good career so she can live well in this society.") Where the intent falls down is in the fact that they assume that they know better than you do what your life's path should be.</p>

<p>I have three female friends with similar stories (one from Bejing, one from Taiwan, one from Vietnam). One has a PhD in engineering, one has an MBA, and the other a PhD in computer science. They are all extremely intelligent and successful, and all of them had battles with their parents who wanted them to pursue other careers. Two of them left the parent's country in order to pursue their dreams. I admire their strong-willed determination, and look how it has paid off for them! In one case, the parents kvetched until the first child was born, but every thing is calm in the familial structure.</p>

10

<p>Casper, I know you know my story already... we're in the same boat... you saw them earlier right?... remember how obstinate they were?</p>

<p>In my case, my parents are less severe emotionally... nevertheless, they're just as irreasonable as yours... They're forcing me to go to Riverside instead of UCDavis (dream school! sigh).... In my case, they laid the guilt trip on hard! Coming up with every possible fault I've ever done (they even brought up how I don't clean after myself.. yet somehow that lead up to me being alienated at Davis for being messy!... I even told them that that's pure ludicrous.. ahah!)... Anyways, I got the good plan from Mr. A (English teacher)..........</p>

<p>Step 1: Find a person who your parents admire and totally respect (in my case it's the priest (we're catholics) and my very successful cousin)</p>

<p>Step 2: Explain your situation and ask them to help you in convincing your parents (try to sound desperate! (get those tear-ducts pumping))</p>

<p>Step 3: Invite them to dinner with you and your parents... or just have them meet somewhere... now, have them give it to your parents! All the guilt trips taht they put you through deserves to be thrown back at them! We love them, but we can't let them control us! My cousin unfortunately gave in and now, although she's successful, she's not very content with herself... (she became a pharmacist even though she wanted to be a dancer or physchologist... (or even better.. a dancing-physcologist.. that would've been awesome... I'd pay 90 dollar/hr to see that anyday!))</p>

<p>Anyways.. I kinda drifted a little.. ahah.. just make sure to get a person who really believes in you and support your idea.</p>

11

<p>!!<strong>psychologist</strong>!! I feel so stupid for not being able to spell that! Ugh, just one of my idiosyncracies.</p>

12

<p>wow I am starting to appreciate my disinterested, laissez faire parents more & more!!</p>

<p>I second all the good advice above. </p>

<p>Keep it ULTRA loving on your end so they won't be able to dismiss what you say as sour grapes or rebelliousness.<br>
"I know you only want the best for me but..."<br>
"I know you love me more than anyone but..."<br>
"You have always been great parents so I know you'll understand...."<br>
"You are the most important people in the world to me, so I hope more than anything that you can support..."</p>

<p>etc.</p>

13

<p>Casper, I just want to give you a hug because I don't have great advice like the other parents here. I can tell you (my life .. not yours) that I was raised by a mother who didn't want me and while that never stops hurting, the worse part is not having other people understand. So if you feel rejection from your parents, I understand! </p>

<p>Also, I told my son once to "get away from me." He replied, "No one wants to hear their mother say that to them." And I never have again. It can help things to speak up as you are being advised to by these other parents.</p>

<p>Keep your eye on your goal as your move from being a great kid to a great adult. (((hug)))</p>