Mother is really frustrating!

Parents Forum
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<p>Here is the situation: I am a rising junior, got accepted to Harvard Summer School program, everything is set, my flight is booked, I even have a car service booked so we will know exactly who will be driving me from the airport to Harvard. The problem: my mother is too clingy and paranoid and it frustrates me to no end. </p>

<p>She wants to go with me. I think it is absolutely unnecessary. My age is labeled young adult by airlines and, accordingly, I am deemed to have no trouble traveling alone. Her first excuse was, literally, "The cab driver will see you are a little boy (she is the only one who sees me as a little boy) and will drive into a remote area, tell you to empty your pockets, take out his gun and shoot you in the head and nobody will know." So I got a car service. </p>

<p>Next excuse? "I was talking to my sister and she told me maybe it could be a big scam, where they take all of your money and throw you in the corner of a small room." So many things I could say about this, I just won't say anything. She hears everything I say, by the way, but she doesn't listen, and nothing I say ever holds any credibility.</p>

<p>Next excuse? "I need to see your roommate. He could be a psychotic killer that is going to murder you and steal your stuff." "Okay, they let killers into Harvard?" "YES, haven't you seen there are geniuses that are crazy killers?" She watches a lot of movies, and because she isn't originally from America, she thinks they are all true. She is a doctor, by the way, just not near as articulate in English as I am with me being born here.</p>

<p>Next excuse? "I know that I will regret it if you go alone. Something will happen." She is relying on her motherly sixth sense that is nonexistent. </p>

<p>Another excellent excuse? "You need help with your luggage." Okay, let's see what I have. One bag to check and a small laptop bag to carry on. Developing young male at least a head taller vs small woman with arthritis in both shoulders. Her argument starts to defy the laws of reality.</p>

<p>So, what's next? She buys plane tickets for herself last minute. She doesn't tell me, I find out myself when I see her itinerary. This sparked my anger to an unimaginable degree. So you will say something like "It's her money, she can do what she wants." or something of that nature. What really frustrates me about this, though, is that she has stripped away the experience that I was looking to get out of those few hours from home to Harvard - the experience of being able to do something myself and test my capabilities; the whole summer school concept is advertised as a way to experience college anyway, so why can I fly alone to college and not to summer school? -, she refuses to be rational, she doesn't respect my opinion to any degree, and she refuses to acknowledge that I am in a transitional phase that makes me want to assert my independence more to prepare myself for the future. </p>

<p>Blah blah blah, you are too young is the gist of it. To me, it doesn't matter. I want to be able to independently walk through the airport, get on the flight alone, get off at Boston alone, get in the car alone, and arrive at Boston alone. I don't want my mommy holding my hand, feeding me milk from a bottle, wiping my butt, and doing everything I know that I can do myself along the way. The worst part of all of it? She is totally blind to why I want to go myself. Whenever she badgers me about coming with me and I just give up and walk away because I can't win she says, "See? He hates me. Look how much he hates me. He doesn't want me to go with him because he hates me." When I say that I will enjoy a change in scenery, she says "Oh, now I know why you applied to a summer program in Boston. You just want to get away from the house and be away from me. That is your only reason." </p>

<p>This isn't even on the topic of flights but my mother does not realize the least bit how hard I work in school and, frankly, doesn't seem to care much, and treats me like I am the most naiive person to ever walk the earth. I have discussed this with her and she has plain and simply told me that she believes I would go get candy out of the back of a stranger's van. I AM NOT JOKING, SHE SAID IT HERSELF WHEN I ASKED HER, SHE SAID THAT SHE IS AFRAID I WOULD WALK AWAY WITH A STRANGER AND GET IN HIS VAN. Anyway, everybody else works hard so "their parents won't kill them," I work hard for myself, because I care about my grades, and I have set the highest goals I can for my future. Nobody in my family is like me. They all barely made top 10%, and they don't know a thing about any school other than the local college. I have always set strict rules for myself, being in all the hardest classes and trying my darnedest for the 100 standards. My parents don't care to see my report card unless I put it in front of their faces, and if I do, I get a little "Good job," while other students work for bribes from their parents. My parents say that all that matters is education, but if I don't do the dishes or something I am reduced to a person that "doesn't do anything." A deadbeat. </p>

<p>Man, that was a huge vent session. Let's see what you parents think about this, and whether you can match my mom's rationality.</p>

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<p>I am a parent and I think you have every reason to feel the way you do. However, I don’t think you’re going to get through to your mom alone. You need to recruit another adult to talk to her, to help her understand that she needs to let you do this by yourself. Perhaps a plan can be conceived that helps you get what you want, but also eases some of her fears; you can agree to phone at certain points along the trip to let her know where you are and how it’s going. It may be annoying to call your mom when you get through security, when you’re waiting at the gate, when you get on the plane, get off the plane… etc. But it will be a kindness to her and may enable you to at least make the trip yourself. If you can work something like that out, do remember to respect any agreements you make, even if they still feel unnecessary and unreasonable to you. You are helping her take small steps toward your ultimate independence.</p>

<p>Is there a way you can find someone who has attended in a previous year? Maybe through the Harvard summer school program office? Perhaps there is a parent (preferably with the same ethnic/cultural background as your mom) who would be willing to explain to her how it works and what a great opportunity it was for his/her own child to make that trip. I bet you wouldn’t be the only student who has had to deal with this and the college may have some excellent ideas for you.</p>

<p>If that doesn’t work, you may need to decide which is preferable, to go having her shadow you or to not go. Good luck!</p>

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<p>My father already has told her that she is being irrational. On the other hand, my aunt is clingy like her and is convincing her that Harvard summer school may be a scam (they don’t know anything about top-tier colleges) and my sister is constantly agreeing with my mother because it gets her whatever she wants more easily, taking the same stance and all. Unfortunately, all was well until my mother’s irrationality got the best of her and she paid a lump sum to get herself a ticket, and I can’t do anything about that or reverse it.</p>

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<p>So what do you think is going to work best for you? Just to deal with her as little as possible while you’re in the program?</p>

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I don’t know. I don’t really have to deal with her much while I’m in the program, she is going to leave a day or two after she comes with me. I think that, had she not gotten herself a ticket, it would have been as much a learning experience for her as it would have been for me, learning to deal with letting me do something on my own and trusting that I won’t walk away with a random old man that asks me to go to the back of his white, windowless van.</p>

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<p>Look at it as an investment in your future college search. If your mother sees Harvard, sees the program, sees how many other students came alone maybe you will get some of the credibility you are looking for. Send her to the admissions info session and tour while she is there. Send her to see other colleges - MIT, Tufts and BU are all very close. Tell her that you will be happy to have her come if she also uses the time to learn more about selective colleges that are not in your town.</p>

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<p>Your mother is paying how much for you to go to this program? I think she has the right to take a look at what she bought.</p>

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<p>Haletonford… My son attended the Harvard Summer Program last year. It is not a scam. He had a blast, took some great classes and met some great friends. He actually lived in the North End with his grandparents and commuted in on the T everyday. Let your mom come out with you, let her see that you will be fine. You will love your 7 or 8 weeks in Cambridge and I assume you will get to fly home on your own. I just put my son on a bus to Boston so he can attend his orientation for Boston College. Yeah, I wanted to get on the bus with him…Your mom will let go eventually.</p>

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<p>I see where your coming from and id hate that if my mom did that to me. But if she’s sure on coming theres not much you can do. If you act mature and show her you can handle it then she could change her mind. Or she could come and check it out, then leave. She is your mom afterall so you should try and compromise.</p>

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<p>When my then-rising-junior went to a summer program 1000 miles from home, I drove her to the program and helped her set up her room. Many kids had parents with them. Even the college kids had parents (note: lots of kids like the extra help to haul stuff). It never even occured to me that my daughter would not want me to take her. </p>

<p>The whole family accompanied then-rising-junior son to his short summer program last year.</p>

<p>If it really bothers you, cut a deal: Mom accompanies you to the program, but you come home independently. As a mom, I really like to see the place so that when I talk to my daughter on the phone I know what she is talking about.</p>

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<p>I also took my daughter to her summer program at Columbia. It’s not a big deal. All of the parents were there, helping the students move in. Calm down and let your mother go with you. She’s paying and you are not an adult yet. She has every right to go.</p>

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<p>Really, what’s two days? She can’t stay in your housing with you…she will be staying in a hotel. I would forget it…and let her come. It’s two days in your life and she is not going to be with YOU those two days.</p>

<p>Let it go.</p>

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<p>I hear you H.
It’s not so much that mom is coming along but that it was all arranged after your solo trip was finalized.
But I agree with the others, there is not much you can do about it.
Maybe she’ll be reassured and let you travel home solo.
Hang in there.</p>

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<p>I understand why you are frustrated. But, she has already bought the ticket and paid for your wonderful experience. I would just let it go now. She is leaving after two days. It could be worse, be thankful that she isn’t staying in an apt. nearby for longer. She is who she is. I’m middle age and my mother still says things to be that make my mouth drop open. The clock is ticking and you will be on your own soon. Try to keep that in mind.</p>

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<p>My heart goes out to you. I’m a mom. I would never do this to my kid.</p>

<p>The old adage ‘you can only control your own behavior’ applies here - but you knew that, since you’ve tried to show them otherwise. Your mom, coming from another culture, mindset and a a reinforcing ignorant, sick, familial support will never ever change and nothing you or anyone else can say will budge her. If it isn’t this Harvard summer program, it will be another. Pick your spouse wisely and move far away. The manipulative ‘you hate me’ won’t go away either. You can have a relationship with her but you will have to pick/set/enforce your boundaries. I foresee a tough but doable road ahead for you with college transitions coming up - you might just need to get a good tool-box of coping mechanisms. Smiling and saying ‘I love you too, mom’ with a hug and without arguing might be the easiest defuser for now, etc. Yes, you are losing this opportunity to experience your independence. It is gone, let it go. There will be others, I promise.</p>

<p>I would be proud to have a kid like you and would give you the room and tools to fly as far and high as you can go.</p>

<p>For this issue at hand, sounds like she is coming with you. Grin and bear it and don’t argue because you know it will get you nowhere (never argue with a pig - the pig enjoys it and you will just get dirty…) I’d let the administration know and ask for whatever help they can provide to move her onwards, I’m sure they know the routine. And warn your roommate!</p>

<p>I wish you the best and that I was coming with you to protect you from your mom, LOL. Enjoy your summer program!</p>

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<p>Agreed…LOTS of parents drop off their kids at these summer programs. They make sure that the kids are situated, pay for any last minute items that come up, sign any last minute papers that need to be signed and then they go home. This also happens when those same kids go off to college as freshman. It’s really not a big deal. Just go with the flow.</p>

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<p>Your mom worries. That’s a “mom” thing. She wants to know where you will be for the few weeks you’ll be gone, your room, your roommate and to assure your safety. </p>

<p>"she refuses to acknowledge that I am in a transitional phase that makes me want to assert my independence more to prepare myself for the future. " Maybe your mom was not raised the way you were in the U.S. Kids are encouraged to be independent at younger age in this country comparing to kids grow up at others especially Asian countries. A cultural difference that your mom may have hard time to accept?</p>

<p>Not every parent can (or wants to) spend that much money for a summer program. So be grateful what you have and have a great time!</p>

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<p>If it is a done deal about your mom going, can you keep in mind that this may be more about your mom than you? You are perfectly competent to do this on your own; but maybe your mom isn’t ready to let you go. Her being that way is no reflection on you. Can you smile benignly at her? Can you humor her? That is what is needed.</p>

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<p>Moms come in all shapes, sizes and definitely on ability to let go and how much freedom they are willing to grant to a 15 or 16 year old. It’s a very pivotal year for the mom/son separation. I know having gone through it twice and now for the third time. You are a rising junior so are still younger than kids heading off to college as high school graduates. Let her come along and know that perhaps seeing you navigate on your own will give her the confidence to let go alittle bit. Strike a compromise and have her let you travel home alone. And like Cayuga says, this is about your mom not your ability to go it alone or not. And yes there will be other parents, like yours, that will accompany the kids, you will not be alone in that respect.</p>

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<p>I hope that these responses help you out, even if it is not what you want to hear. Although I secretly wish that you and your dad would conspire to cancel her plane ticket, I will go along with the rest of the moms and agree that if it can’t be changed, roll with it. I love the idea of her touring the other campuses. Once she leaves, you will have the independence, and you will not be singled out for having THAT mom. In the bigger picture, when you get home from this trip, you need to work with both of your parents to determine what they are willing to pay for college and how far they are willing to let you move. Her clingy attitude is not going to magically go away as a senior, and you may need to begin that fight early. By engaging her in the college search process early, she may agree to let you go far if she has bought into the magic a bit herself (hence the school tours).</p>