<p>I think we just never ever really thought our kids were particularly bright or talented and assumed they’d have to work quite hard and they absorbed that perspective and so no matter how well they do, they stay quite modest and the work ethic remains.</p>
<p>As I get older and so many of my parent friends have young adult kids who seem to be sort of disengaged and unmotivated, I am very grateful that my kids always seem to try really hard at whatever it is they are up to. It’s not something to take for granted, I’m realizing.</p>
<p>So in the midst of all the dumb parenting stuff we did, we managed to raise kids with a lot of humility when building self-esteem was the rage.</p>
<p>I feel like I’m missing out on all the fun! (I love research but not getting to do too much!) S is a rising Senior, D is a rising Sophomore and both know which school they would like to attend. I don’t think there is any changing of my son’s mind…despite the fact he could get into just about any school (outside of the Ivy’s). It’s the in-state, tech school for him. </p>
<p>D is set on the 2nd tier state school, though she will need to keep her grades up to get in. This seems to be a motivation for her…so I am happy.</p>
<p>On the topic of things I’ve done right…I will always point to making my son take up piano at a young age. We had years of fights and temper tantrums, but by high school he was enjoying piano and is now also an amazing percussionist (plus he excels in math and science.) I am very proud of him.</p>
<p>Someone said in another thread…“love the kid on the couch”…I kept coming back to that phrase everytime the process became stressful…it just seemed to put everything in perspective for me.</p>
<p>DS’s best decision was to listen to a friend who suggested applying to a ‘rolling admission’ safety that was also a full-ride for NMF, which he knew he’d be. Very early on he had a college he didn’t mind going to (even if not top choice) covering both acceptance and financial support.
I should mention that we learned the best way to have National Merit work for our family on CC. THANK YOU.</p>
<p>The rest was easier to wait for and manage, with a sure-thing good option ‘in the bag.’
Even if merit aid is not in your future I’d recommend applying to a school that does rolling admission.</p>
<p>Never had to have an outside babysitter as my extended family all live within miles of each other. I had just turned 19 when my oldest D12 was born and my husband was Junior in highschool! I lived with my grandparents and commuted to school part time and worked a few days at a job literally right beside my gradparents home. My D would stay with my grandma while I was gone and she would turn off the tv and play flashcards, sing, read and devote so much time to her…so did my grandpa.</p>
<p>We were of course, poverty stricken, but we were both hardworkers. My husband would go to highschool then go to work at Walmart everyday until 11pm. When we got married at way too young an age (20 and just turned 19) we rented a little apartment from an Amish guy who knew how hard we had it and didn’t charge us much rent. That, and the constant help from my grandparents, aunts and mom, is what enabled me to graduate from college with a degree in nursing. During rare times my family wasn’t there to babysit, I had nice Amish neighbors who would take them for a few hours - amish don’t have tv or electric so that was nice when I knew they wouldn’t be glued to disney videos.</p>
<p>My daughter may complain about her conservative rural community but without it she wouldn’t exist in her current form. I am absolutely postive about this. Without a lot of support and love from my community and family - I would have had a very rough go of it and probably wouldn’t be with my husband anymore.</p>
<p>So for my daughters, the biggest thing I did right was stay focused on my goals to achieve an education and provide stability for my them. But it does “take a village.” We are proof of that.</p>
<p>Other things I think I did right were buy lots of books, put my D12 in dance, take my D14 out of dance because she didn’t like it, and always emphasize academics over other activities.</p>
<p>They both carry around a Walt Whitman poem with them - for a few years now - that I printed out for them. </p>
<p>I have done lots of things wrong but the above I think got right.</p>
<p>I am sure that many of us think we made more mistakes then we really did and did fewer things right then we really did. I think that the one thing we all did right is love our children and try to help them do the right things, even if we made mistakes in the trying. The people that don’t love their children aren’t on CC.</p>
<p>I think that some of the things I did right were:</p>
<p>1) I encourage my kids to read and help them get whatever reading material they want. My son does not read well for his age (he has processing delays with an IEP for it), but he will read the comics and car section out of the Sunday paper, so we subscribe to the Sunday paper. Both kids get Barnes and Noble gift cards for Christmas and birthdays and can buy whatever reading material they want there.</p>
<p>2) I keep the kids busy during the summer time doing all sorts of activities. Sometimes it is tennis camp for an hour a day for a week, or music lessons, or going to overnight camp for a week. They can watch some tv and they can sleep a little late, though their days are filled with much more than sleeping and watching TV. I believe that active minds and active bodies make kids more likely to use their natural intelligence.</p>
<p>3) I support my kids in whatever activities they choose to do that is age appropriate.</p>
<p>4) My daughter has had major health issues with several week long hospitalizations during her high school career. I made sure that the school got her assignments to me and I took them to her. She worked on homework while bored at the hospital. I also learned that many children’s hospital has at least one full time certified teacher on staff and the teacher will come to kids hospital rooms. One was willing to set up my d’s chemistry lab for her, then we decided to wait and have her do it with her real teacher. She averaged missing 25 days a year for all four years of high school and was getting truancy letters, even with doctors excuses. She just graduated with a 3.98 UW GPA, 8th in her class of 510. She did all of the work in getting her work caught up, I just helped her stay focused and reminded her to talk with her teachers as needed.</p>
<p>5) I fought for my kids, for my daughter with her truancy letters while having doctor’s excuses and for my son with needing an IEP. Kids should be able to get the support they need from school and not having the school slam doors in their faces while the kids are doing their best.</p>
<p>I, too, like this post and am glad the OP started it!</p>
<p>“I fought for my kids, for my daughter with her truancy letters while having doctor’s excuses and for my son with needing an IEP. Kids should be able to get the support they need from school and not having the school slam doors in their faces while the kids are doing their best.”
Good for you! I’ve dealt with both these issues too, for my D. It can be hard and stressful to say the least.</p>
<p>Yep, finding the right spouse and having a good marriage does make parenting easier. Some of that involves decision, and some of involves good luck. (Ha, the same can be said for parenting). </p>
<p>mspearl - Sounds like you did great things for your kids. Kudos to the grandparents and extended family for helping out!</p>
<p>We were told my an in-law that we were horribly handicapping our S by not allowing him to go to private school from K; he felt so strongly that he even offered to pay our S’s tuition! We politely but firmly refused & sent S & later D to public school, K-8, where both got a decent education before transferring to private HS. Years later when that SAME in-law had kids, he had them in public school from K-6 or so as well & they seem none the worse for it!</p>
<p>Our private HS was truly shocked when even tho they had kicked D out of their HS (for prolonged absences caused by her documented chronic health conditions), she was accepted as a transfer student to her very competitive dream private U, with no help from them (other than them sending her HS transcript as she requested). She will be graduating with her HS class from dream U this spring in a very competitive major with a wonderful portfolio!</p>
<p>-Weathered an often less-than-perfect marriage to keep family intact.
-Bought a tent and a museum membership with passport program; saw much of the country for cheap.
-Installed walls of bookshelves and filled them.
-Never owned more than one T.V.
-Instilled a strong work ethic: chores, odd jobs, and finally real part-time job
-Required kids to make some degree of financial investment in their activites.
-Drove them, and friends, to any and every activity they/we could afford.
-Stayed available for both quality and quantity time.</p>
<p>Made plenty of mistakes, too, but won’t bullet them :)</p>
<p>With both S & D, I also asked them to compile a list of requirements in a school and I did a lot of the research for them to help them narrow that list down. </p>
<p>But, I also know my kids and encouraged them to look at a few schools that were outside their “wants” (took some doing!) but that I felt might be a good fit for them. Guess what? Both ended up at a school outside of the original criteria. S’s choice has worked out perfectly. D heads off in a month and so-far seems to be the perfect fit for her…that is yet to be seen.</p>
<p>Thank you 205mom and Colorado_mom. That means a lot. I always credit my grandparents and mom and Aunt with my major successes in life -I would not be where I am without them and neither would my kids. They could have been angry for messing up so young but they loved me unconditionally and loved my babies. It wasn’t a money thing - I had lots of loans, but it was emotional support, babysitting and maybe a few groceries. lol.
My Aunt stood up for me in front of a rude cashier who was basically degrading me for using wic. And I have battled sterotypes of what kind of mom I am supposed to be. But those glares and condescending eyes were fuel for my fire I think. I think of how the world could be with more families living close to each other and taking care of each other…maybe doesn’t happen as much as it should/could.
But thanks a lot, it means a lot!</p>
<p>Maybe it was good that we never placed a TV anywhere near the kitchen so that it was never possible to watch TV while eating a meal. Did this just sort of instinctively but maybe it’s why both kids learned to argue very, very well. We often amused ourselves at meals with lively arguments!</p>
<p>HIMOM, that is so sad that they didn’t see your daughter’s potential. Good for her for ignoring their silliness! And by the way, in a public school in CA, that would be SO illiegal! (They could kick her out of honors if she couldn’t keep up her grades, but out of school? NEVER!)</p>
<p>My more recent best decision was not letting up on my S when he was doing poorly in high school. Others suggested that I let him experience failure as a life lesson but I felt there was too much at stake. Without good grades, he wouldn’t be able to go to a college that would challenge him. Like other late bloomers, he might end up staying at home, going to a local school that wasnt a good match and most likely continuing his lazy high school habits. </p>
<p>After he got a D in 9th grade English (his best subj), DH and knew we had to do something. We engaged the help of many adults in his HS life from the principal to his counselor to his favorite teachers. We monitored his grades weekly and hovered like crazy.
The result: he got into his first choice college where he had a successful first year with a higher GPA than HS. This fall, he’s going to be an orientation leader.</p>