Another option to consider might be Alfred State’s 2 year programs. I don’t know lots about current practices but 20ish years ago I had friends there who did well and transferred to Cornell, Ithaca College, University at Buffalo, Geneseo and St. Bonaventure.
Again, this would be going away to college still. You would need to run NPCs for affordability.
http://www.alfredstate.edu/academics/majors
These are dorms not apartments
I know that you are a loving and well meaning sibling, but planning is probably the worst thing that you can do for him right now. It sets up expectations and creates unhelpful pressure. College makes sense only for those who know they want it. The reason is that it creates a permanent record and if the individual isn’t serious, that record is a negative and actually closes doors. I think the best thing he can do is live for the present and develop maturity and take care of his head. Getting a job upon high school graduation is a direction, and not liking the opportunities available, certainly motivates one to attain further education. I think love and patience are the best things that your family can offer. There is no rush. Life is hopefully long.
Thank you for the links, it sounds like they have diverse academic offerings and a lot of things that my brother would potentially be interested in. I don’t know much about the CCs outside of Long Island, so I appreciate that you’re sharing all this information. It actually seems like the ones that are a bit farther away offer significantly more that my brother could take advantage of, and it would give him a chance to start over I think. Thank you for the info, since these could be very strong options for my brother. I don’t expect him to go to a school like Cornell, but I would be very happy if he could do well for a year or two in CC and eventually transfer to a university like Binghamton or a UNC if he gets in-state tuition there.
Edit:
@ClassicRockerDad – I fully understand how serious college is and I don’t really think that it should be my brother’s main focus right now. I expect him to take a gap year and spend some time working. However, he has expressed some interest in taking standardized tests and working on studying for them with me, so I would at least like to brainstorm a realistic list of options that he has available to him. Everyone else is being extremely pessimistic about what he can do or is being completely unrealistic, so I’d rather at least be able to have a serious conversation with him about what direction he’s headed in and what he’d like to eventually accomplish.
Part of the issue is that my father has written him off completely as not being able to do anything, and my mother keeps hoping that things will magically get better. I don’t really fully understand the ramifications of what’s happened these past few months, but being able to go into a conversation about the future with a toolbox full of different options (military, certificates, trade school, CC, etc.) and reasonable expectations could only be beneficial, in my opinion.
It might have come off this way and I apologize, but I’m not my brother’s academic adviser and I haven’t even shared many of my thoughts on the matter with him. I just would like an idea on what appropriate followups might be and how we should approach the situation moving forward. I understand your concern though, and I think it would be inappropriate of me to put any unrealistic expectations on my brother since that would probably just strain my relationship with him.
^^really good advice.
@micmatt513 I’m glad that you recognize that you can only do so much. You can help someone on their path but you can’t walk it for them.
I think making sure he sees and knows there are still options and opportunities is great. Don’t pressure him though if he needs time to make the choice to take advantage if the options and opportunities. If he needs a year to work and to re evaluate after high school and then choose something, that could be good too. Make sure he (and you) know that choices he has already made haven’t doomed him to a life of misery. Maybe he will take a 2 year option. Maybe he will find a 4 year option. Maybe he will take a year and move with your dad and get in state elsewhere and then move forward. Maybe he will find a completely new path. The reality is that by the time it comes to make these decisions, he will be the one making them. And that is as it should be.
I agree, @mom2twogirls. It’s not really my decision, and I’ve tried to stay neutral in the whole matter for the past few months. No one in my family really knows what to do though, and I figured that the people on CC might have some opinions on the matter.
It really sucks because my parents kind of expect my brother to do “as well” as I did, so my brother still has this expectation placed on him that he’s going to go to a four-year university, transfer to an elite school, and then lead a “successful” life afterwards. I don’t really think that’s a fair expectation, and I was wondering what some of the alternative paths are for students who struggled like my brother, but are still really intelligent. Thanks everyone, I really appreciate all of the thoughts in this thread.
A 5 day suspension will not show on a transcript. Unless he is expelled that is a non issue in and of itself. The bigger issues are the grades, the group he is hanging out with, all of the various very real and significant issues you mention.
A few things I would consider. As mentioned above, if your father leaves the state is there a reason your brother cannot go with him? A new environment could be the best thing for him. If that is not an option, where will he live? To me that would be rather paramount to figure out. Is there another relative in another area he could live with? If your father does stay where he is now and your brother continues to live there, has transferring him to a different school been considered? Have your parents met with the school GC for advice and input? What do they think?
Right now you and your family need to put the college aspect on the back burner imho and get him into a safe place, preferably a new environment and treated so he can move forward. Once he is there you can figure out the best next steps but it really is a cart before the horse situation with a lot of moving pieces.
According to the school, the suspension will go on his transcript @eandesmom. My brother is pretty reluctant to go to another school, since my family forced him to move a few years ago and he doesn’t want to leave his school right before he finishes. I am not sure how I feel about this, since I don’t think it matters significantly where he ends. However, he likes his friends and I don’t think my parents are inclined to make the situation even more complicated.
I don’t think my family really views college as being the most important aspect of my brother’s life right now, and I’m sorry if I made it seem that way. My family has been doing a lot, most of it having nothing to do with my brother’s future education. I was just asking about it because it will eventually come up and I am spending some time with my brother this weekend. It’s nowhere near the most important thing going on in his life right now, but we’ll have to deal with it eventually.
My family’s intention is to have my mom live in the school district until the beginning of September, which would cause my brother to be grandfathered in. After that, my mom can move out of the house and my brother can live with her. I don’t think they have a firm plan in place though, and my brother doesn’t seem to keen on living with my mom. I don’t know for a fact if my father will even end up moving to North Carolina before September. He doesn’t have a job secured down there yet, so I don’t know when he will even move.
@micmatt513 I am surprised to hear that. In looking at our transcripts I am not even sure where they would put it. It sounded like the friends were part of the problem. If so I can see why he wouldn’t want to change but that may or may not be the best course. Is there a pattern of this and why he was forced to move before?
It would be nice if a more stable situation could be found for him, both of your parents sound quite in flux which definitely doesn’t help a struggling kid. I think all you can really do for now is focus on getting him into a better place mentally, which will help on the school front. If that can move in a more positive direction then the later options will become more clear. Just be open. plenty of folks have ended up having to go the GED route (not sure if that has been looked at) and then CC and have done just fine. We all have our own path and timetables and it sounds as if your brother is reaching out for help with his actions (even if he can’t see it) and the best thing you can do is be there and be a solid place for him as it doesn’t sound like he has a lot of that.
And as the mother of teen boys…they need that. The emotions are all over the board, it’s a difficult time in general and much of that is hormonal and just part of growing up. Layer on real issues at home or with substances and it is a toxic mix. He is lucky to have you, just don’t give up on him. I suspect he needs that as much or more than anything. They are so fragile at this age even though they may not appear so.
I’m not a parent, but I can tell you from personal experience that a CC might be the best option for him, maybe after a gap year. I was very similar in high school; didn’t take it seriously, had multiple suspensions, ended up dropping out etc. I took a few years off to work and just get my mind right, got a GED a few years later and went to a CC for 2 years after that, then transferred to UT-Austin. Best decision I ever made was to take a break from school and come back to it with renewed focus. I was always an avid reader and learner so that might be why I did so well when I came back, but there’s definitely something to be said for the attitude of some high schoolers (like myself), and just general burnout, in having a poor high school experience. Also, there’s the added bonus that none of the schools I applied to as a transfer ever asked for an SAT, which I never took, or my high school transcript, which was obviously atrocious.
Quite a few of the CCs in NY State have residence halls on campus. So your brother should have plenty of options once his mental health is together and he really is ready to go to college.
Wishing you all the best.