<p>epiphany -- love your post. I have a friend who fabricates things. I like your strategy #3. I may have to try that one sometime.</p>
<p>In cases like this I like to use the DCD stratagy - duck-compliment-decoy.
1. The Duck: "My S would absolutely KILL ME if I talked about something as personal as his test scores".
2. The Compliment: "Your son is so talented in so many areas - colleges will be fighting over him"
3. The Decoy: "Great shoes! Where did you get them" or in your brother's case "You look fabulous! Have you been working out?"</p>
<p>You keep that up, pretty soon they get sick of talking to you.</p>
<p>You know, I just noticed the part where you asked why your brother does this. It's because he's insecure. He has to focus on what's going well, so that he can look past the parts that aren't going well. How do you know his kid has been suspended, gotten into trouble, etc.? Obviously, your family is talking about that instead of the good stuff.... must be hard on your brother!</p>
<p>My older sister and I haven't spoken in three years, since my mother died. I don't know how she's doing, except for the occasional report from more distant relatives to whom she IS speaking. Why the fight? Well, it was something about how she thought I put too much pressure on my kids, if I remember correctly.... But of her two sons, age 29 and 25, only one has graduated from HS, and that was a GED. Gotta be hard for her to celebrate my kids' college graduations... but should I not mention them?</p>
<p>As one who spent years (decades, even) trying to accommodate difficult family situations, seeking the polite response that wouldn't offend yet still maintain my own privacy, etc., I can (finally) see an alternate solution. You can state what you want without apology, subterfuge, or concern for what others will think. You can say to your brother: "I'm not going to share my son's information with you. I'm not going to compete with you. It makes me uncomfortable, and I'm not going to do it." No reasons, excuses, or apologies. </p>
<p>If you were raised to be a "nice girl," as I was, even so innocuous a statement will take guts. But it will save a whole lotta time and aggravation. Your brother may be offended and angry, and he may paint you as the bad guy for refusing to be a supportive sister/aunt. But if you want to end this situation, telling him you won't participate will do it.</p>
<p>I'm currently embroiled in a difficult position with my husband's family because I finally took a stand on an issue that had made me unhappy for many years. It's hard, and uncomfortable, and they're shunning me, and so what. It's worth it to finally be a grownup! :)</p>
<p>By this fall you can say "I know nothing" as your son will be a freshman in college and you will honestly not know anything.</p>
<p>frazzled 1 is absolutely right. While a sarcastic or evasive remark (although the DCD strategy is great for less complicated relationships) may work, if you really want to have a better relationship with your brother - you will need to let him know you are uncomfortable with the investigative questions. I would find a time to do it privately and when you are in a really good mood. I wouldn't wait for the next round of questions - I would bring it up and tell him that you have some concerns about both of the boys at the same school - they weren't in the same school in the past & you want to make sure that their relationship doesn't change by being at the same school.</p>
<p>Really, I would just let it go. It is a blip in time and won't matter very shortly even if they are in the same school. There is no reason to worry about them in the same college. Your relationship with your brother is more important than getting into it over something that soon will not matter. Your brother might not even be intending to do this and doesn't realize how it's affecting you. Dig down and let it go. There are bigger things to worry about.</p>
<p>Doubleplay and frazzled --</p>
<p>Love your posts and absolutely agree.</p>
<p>Different point of view. And probably due to having only 1 sibling and spending all of my childhood moving (military brat) and most of my adult life.</p>
<p>I was present for both my niece and nephew's births and their many childhood accomplishments. I love and cherish them as much as my 5 kiddos. My sibling has different parenting beliefs and techniques that make me NUTS! And sometimes as a result it shows up in the childrens' behaviors and development. I will give advice only when asked and will carefully weigh the advice I do give to make said advice more easily digested. And always give a way out so there are no hurt feelings.</p>
<p>As far as the original poster's situation, the relationship between herself and her nephew was not disclosed. Rather the competitiveness between sib and her was. I know it can be hard when families live close in the same town (we are 2 miles apart) but that is by choice. And my niece and nephew both realize (at an early age) they have big shoes to fill. But that is expected of them regardless of their cousins' accomplishments.</p>
<p>Rather it was stressed that they too can dream. And dream BIG. They all had different dreams and goals that were nurtured from an early age and rather than being competitive with each other they were encouraged to see the family as a team, all working together to support their respective dreams.</p>
<p>My children know that it is not just about them as individuals but how we as a family, extended as well, strive to help each other out. Anything less than that is unacceptable. The cousins, second and third cousins, grandparents all wear the gear from all the kiddos' schools (t-shirts, hats...) and visit (without me!) all the younger generations' colleges and even sporting events! (There are 15 of us going to Navy v. Rutgers game and the P'ton v. Lehigh game in the fall!!!)</p>
<p>So I guess what I am saying is show your brother and nephew how happy you are for his accomplishments, and your concern when he falters. Be there for him when maybe his parents can't be. Obviously if your son has the character and integrity you have instilled in him your "parenting" of your nephew is greatly needed. Compassion is for those who truly need it most as your nephew has displayed.</p>
<p>It was MY dream that Auntie Kat could be counted on "no matter what" to be there for my niece and nephew as I was for my children. My sib and I disagree on many things but she will be the first to say that she could not love them more than I. They also know this to be true. Although, I have to make very sure that I do not step on any toes!!</p>
<p>Hope it turns out okay.</p>
<p>Kat</p>
<p>I agree with dmd that the brother is sharing more than his son's accomplishments. He is sharing his concerns as well, otherwise you would not be aware of his son's behavioral problems in such details.<br>
So, from an outsider's point of view, it is possible that your brother is trying to reassure himself that his son can do something well--and that something is in the realm of academics. From what you say, his academic profile is comparable to your son's. So your brother may be telling himself that, in that case, his son, despite his failings, has a shot at a school that is as good as your son's. His query may be akin to a "What are My Chances?" query on CC.
So you could do what we parents do: point out that admission decisions hinge on more than GPA and board scores. That they include recommendations, ECs, essays, and the perceived needs of the institution. And that, furthermore, students should apply to schools that best fit their needs and interests. It is therefore of very limited utility to compare his son and yours in terms of academics. You can direct him to CC as a very useful resource to consult on any and all his college-related concerns.</p>
<p>You can be proud of your son. But it must be very hard to be the parent of a problem child.</p>
<p>I think that the words of familial support are wonderful & well-meaning, and hopefully in some cases they really do work. Yet I have found that not always to be the case. Sometimes a sibling's sense of overwhelming insecurity and/or jealousy -- for present <em>or</em> past realities -- is the determining force that the other party is not in control of. It is not a rational thing. Some people (possibly the OP's brother?) overcompensate for deep-seated feelings of their own inadequacy (if only in one area). They use the accomplishments of their children (or exaggerate/fabricate them -- as in the previous example I gave) to "right" the past or cover for the present or as a hedge against the anxieties the parent has over the fragility of a child's success, future, etc.</p>
<p>Example: my sister was always unfavorably compared to me, academically, and did not perform as well as me in that area for a variety of reasons -- some chosen, frankly (she could have done well, she was rebelling), some of birth (unacknowledged, undiagnosed LD). Like my own D, I was quiet about my accomplishments and did them for <em>me</em>, not for others. Yet it was my parents (within the immediate family only!) who made a big deal of it. I know all the praise of me probably drove my sister crazy, because there was no other category in my parents' view that could equal education.</p>
<p>Fast forward to adulthood, and my sister has paid me (or really our deceased parents) back. She has consistently refused to acknowledge a single academic accomplishment of my older D (which are numerous), has rejected her, and has overtly preferred my younger D -- not quite as accomplshed as the older one (yet not in any way undervalued or compared by me to sis). She went so far as to contort her schedule & go to great lengths to travel to a distant relative's high school graduation, rather than to her niece's. It crushed me and my daughter. </p>
<p>Like the OP's brother, she did spend a lot of energy claiming that her younger son was more accomplished than he was, but mostly her compensation took the form of rejection (of me, of mine). Yet my sister is more financially successful than me, seems where she wants to be in life, has a fabulous marriage, has traveled extensively, and is self-determining. What more could a person want? (She asked, rhetorically) To feel adequate in somone else's value system, perhaps, like the value system of parents (even if deceased)? To be wanted, acknowledged, valued for who you are, not in comparison to someone else? (Could be a boss or a friend or self that creates that dissonance) These things run deep and can be permanent, it seems. Old demons die slowly, maybe never die for some people. What is irrational can nevertheless be real and powerful.</p>
<p>I never understand jealousy, because I've never met someone who doesn't have something unique, or is at least superior to me in at least one area. I'm always trying to figure things out logically, and sometimes solve them logically, but people aren't always being governed by logic (or are conscious of what is driving them).</p>
<p>It comes down to you can't pick your family. It's your brother and this is just a version of the tease you game you two played as kids. "I don't like to talk about it or it's none of your business" is just fuel for the fire.</p>
<p>Just try and limit your interaction and remember you're an adult now. </p>
<p>If you decide to answer anything, answer honestly. He's looking for a leg up, something that makes you uncomfortable, it's the preteen tease. </p>
<p>The less you show it bothers you, the less he'll ask.</p>
<p>A slightly different perspective:</p>
<p>My wife and I get this a lot from our best friends. Each of their kids is 1-2 years younger than ours, and our friends are always measuring their kids' progress by whether they have surpassed ours. Also, there is a strong current of feelings of anxiety and inferiority vs. us: Both my wife and I have fancy educations; the female of our friends went to her state u and then to a fancy law school (where she was my wife's classmate), but my wife has had a much more prominent career, and the man went to a good college from which he dropped out, but not to the Ivy university from which his father and older brother graduated. They are somewhat obsessed with making certain their children do better than they have.</p>
<p>I love them and their kids to pieces. This stuff is a minor, unpleasant distraction. It bothers my wife a lot more than it bothers me, though. What she does: absolutely refuses to discuss any of this stuff with them. What I do: play along, to some extent. I make certain to praise their kids at every opportunity, and if there is a chance to emphasize some accomplishment they have that my kids don't, I take it. I don't compare the kids directly ever, and I certainly don't belittle my kids, but I try to make certain they know that I'm acknowledging how great their kids are. It makes them feel good, and it doesn't diminish me or my children at all, so why not?</p>
<p>Have you tried this: Praise your brother's kid for his stellar accomplishments, ask him what helps his kid do so well, make him feel great, ...</p>
<p>It's very difficult to be nice to someone who is intentionally trying to undermine you or your kid. I just can't bring myself to do it, sorry, nope, nuh uh.</p>
<p>We have friends who use every opportunity possible to "name drop" colleges, and constantly talk about how great their kids colleges are and how much better off they'll be after school because they're going to a more prestigious school. Our kids are going to UF, but they were accepted to Emory, UVa, W&M, UNC CH, GaTech, a slew of others as well as scholarships, etc. They chose UF because they loved that school more than the rest. But the dilemma is, do I bring this up, and therefore play into the bragging and boasting? Or keep my mouth shut and let these yahoos think my kids didn't do as well in the college acceptance game, or aren't going to do as well after graduation? </p>
<p>Whatever their personal problems or insecurities are, I don't think they have a right to lord their kids accomplishments over other people, or try to make other people feel inferior.</p>
<p>One more perspective:
Sometimes parents are just proud, and seek someone to talk with about their kid's accomplishments. I know there are times when I've overstepped the bounds with friends to say my kid did well on a particular test, and I'm proud of her. My apologies to all who thought I was gloating, or my apologies to their kids if they had to face their parents saying, "Why can't you score as well as blahblah?"
That said, I will NEVER share D's scores directly with D's friends. She can choose to do that if she wishes, but generally only does so with one or two close friendly competitive friends. For too many others, it would be hurtful, stress-inducing and really comparing apples to oranges. Thank goodness the kids recognize that.
But darn, sometimes you just want to shout "Good job" and share it with others. Thank goodness for grandparents and CC.</p>
<p>And one more thought from a parent of a rising senior:
I'm so thankful for role models in my community from last year's senior crop, who showed how to be sensitive, kind and humble as word came in about acceptances at certain schools, and then scholarships. It's a highly emotional time for the kids, and sometimes devastating.
The most rewarded students I knew last season also happened to be the most close-mouthed and humble, though gracious. Practicing certain words and conversational techniques to use as supportive friends and relatives make inquiries is useful.</p>
<p>TO the OP- I would bet your son is already pretty aware of the "rivalry" uncle is trying to create and has been a gentleman and ignored it....hard to keep stuff away from our kids, they pick up a lot of clues</p>
<p>as well, your son will be a sophmore, and alot can happen in the next year, so just smile and go, that is interesting, or good for him....and then silence....keep saying the same thing and eventually maybe the uncle will get the hint, if not, doesn't matter, just say it again</p>
<p>if he asks about your son, just say, he is doing really well, thank you....</p>
<p>the trick is not to get sucked into the drama, you can respond but no explanations</p>
<p>it will be fine, sometimes famliy is annoying, the best way is to have a plan so when the questions or comments come, you are prepared....again, jsut respnd the same way everytime, acknowledge the comment or question, but don't answer more than a minimum with a big smile</p>
<p>epiphany: I like your name, and I like your point that jealousy is incomprehensible because there are so many attributes we can admire about people; there is not just one scale.</p>
<p>Sorry about your sister. I know how this feels. My brother, my only sibling, has no children, and his wife doesn't "like" children so for the most part they have tried to pretend that we don't exist.</p>
<p>I'm sure your D's graduation was actually happier without them.</p>
<p>JTANDMAMOM - I bet your bro is a bit insecure about the real issues regarding his own son - from what you posted about his behaviors - and feels the need to 'brag' about his positive vertues - cuz he certainly has some negative ones.</p>
<p>Don't allow yourself - or your son - to fall into the trap that your bro is attempting to set - his son may shine in some places for right now - but once that kid goes off to college - things could change drastically.</p>
<p>Your guy sounds pretty cool and well adjusted and and and - just let bro know that the info he is seeking is none of his buisiness - not up for sharing private/confidential info with him - be firm about it and don't give in. He and his son have their own issues - and your buisness should not be a part of their issues.</p>
<p>Will be interesting to see what the future holds for these guys - I have a funny feeling that your guy may.will outshine your bro's son in the long run. Keep the faith MOM.</p>