My crappy college life...

Student Lounge College Life
1

<p>Hey, I've browsed this forum for a while but this is my first time actually posting. I am very depressed right now and need some advice. It's kinda long, so bear with me.</p>

<p>I'm in my junior year of college and college has been the worst time of my life. I have absolutely no friends. I didn't have high school friends neither, nor have I ever had a girlfriend. After attending three different high schools, I pretty much gave up on social life in high school, because I always heard great stories about how much better it was in college. Those stories, at least for me, are complete fiction.</p>

<p>I realize a huge part of it is my fault, because I chose to live at home and commute to school rather than go off and have the traditional dorm experience where I am forced to interact with people. Its a local school and most people who attend it grew up in this immediate area. This causes the problem of people clinging to their high school friends and being relatively shut to meeting new people and making new friends. When you are dealing with groups that have been together since kindergarten, its very hard to penetrate that.</p>

<p>I was always told college was a place I would be accepted for who I am, but I've found it to be just more of the same crap I suffered through in high school. Most friendships here are based entirely on things such as partying and binge drinking. This isn't what I want. I want a close, emotional friendship. I also prefer smart, intellectual type people rather than people who spend all night laughing at their farting contests. It doesn't help that I live in a pretty rural area (Fort Smith, AR if anybody has heard of it), where there is ABSOLUTELY nothing to do besides a few local bars or attending church. Neither of those options is going to put me with people who I would clique with.</p>

<p>My only close friend is a guy I met online and he went off to college and lived in the dorm. He had the same problem as I did in high school. He didn't have any friends and always sat at home, as I did and still do. College for him was a complete 180 degree turn-around. He now has the perfect life. He has a perfect girl and close friends who accept him for who he is. That is what I expected out of college. Now he's doing random things with his friends all the time and lives the life I would give ANYTHING for. I get very jealous of him because his life is just so awesome and mine is the complete opposite. If he can do it, why can't I?</p>

<p>I had high hopes for this time of my life. I was so wrong. I spend my days depressed and lonely now. I sometimes think of suicide. The most common advice I get is either to transfer schools or move out of my parents' house. Neither of those are an option for me. My job doesn't pay enough for me to take classes full time plus work enough for me to pay rent. Second, I am on a scholarship so transferring schools would require I give that up. My parents wouldn't support it either. If I was earlier in my college career I might consider transferring anyways, especially as miserable as I am. With only a year and a half left to go, however, that wouldn't be the smartest thing.</p>

<p>Is there any possible way I can turn things around and make friends while I'm still in college? I feel that if I can't make friends now, I will never have them. A new semester is getting ready to start and I hope to make it the semester that my life turns around. On the flip side though, since I've been in school five semesters already, my faith that it will actually get better is little to none. Is it possible though and what would you do in my situation?</p>

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<p>I go to University of Arkansas at Fort Smith, which was just recently converted to a university from Westark Community College, so basically I'm getting a university education on a campus that still has the feel of a small community college.</p>

3

<p>Get involved on campus. Make a serious, concerted effort to meet people. I totally relate- I had a fairly crappy high school experience and I expected college to change my life. It didn't (not without a ton of effort, at least).</p>

<p>Also, seriously set realistic notions of what it means to be happy. It's easy to see others and think they have a perfect life, and its easy to fantasize about wanting that too. But I think you'd surprise yourself with how happy you'd be with just a few new friends. Stop idealizing your friend's life and instead work on improving your own. Also, give people a chance. I know you have a set idea about what kinds of people you like, but really, your experience is very limited. Instead, meet lots of people, give them a fair chance, and then decide if you think they'd be good friends. By holding onto pre-conceived notions you're probably discounting a ton of people who could actually offer you great friendships. </p>

<p>It's really, really easy to sit and say Next Time, It's Going to be Better. But unless you actually work to make it better, you're just going to be in the same place 6 months later. I know this from experience, and it's taken me a long time to realize that i have to be pro-active about the situation if i want it to change. It really is possible, you just can't let yourself get psyched out and you need to take ownership of your situation.</p>

4

<p>
[quote]
And, please, if you do decide to kill yourself, don't make a mess.

[/quote]

yeah, seriously if you are going to make comments like that, don't say anything at all.
Don't take this the wrong way, bchris02, but maybe the problem is something that you can't control. Have you thought about seeing a counselor or something? The change has to be you, I'm loving college and had a rather miserable experience my first 2 years of high school which translated to only a medicore experience my last two years. I was the problem, and I fixed that. Seriously if you a commuter you have to make more of an effort. Join clubs in things you are interested. It is NEVER too late, transferring won't solve your problems. Many times the problem is inside you and you have to be your change. But also bear in mind, that you may not be able to help yourself, and seeing a professional.</p>

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<p>Get to talk to people even if it might be weird. Sometimes if you just start a random conversation you could go somewhere after awhile. You said you have a job. The workplace is the perfect place to make friends.</p>

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<p>My first advice would be to go to see a therapist of some sort.</p>

<p>Now for the rest of the stuff. There are a couple of things I'm seeing here.
1. You live with your parents still.
2. You don't seem very social.
3. Afraid to lose scholarship money to go to a better school.
4. Not very social.</p>

<p>I have a cousin who lives at home and commutes to school, but as far as I can tell the guy has a good social life. So it isn't much of a problem to live with his parents and to commute because he's a pretty social guy and willing to try new things. I would say that's what college is all about.</p>

<p>For someone like you going away to college was probably a better idea than commuting, but I'm sure you've heard/know that already. I think it's a bit harder to make friends if you transfer schools simply because of your grade. You'll find that many students already have their group of friends by junior and senior year. Although, take this into account, at some schools when you do transfer you lose a bunch of credits and that might actually leave you as a spoh instead of a jr. I know this because I met a friend who came from a community college and he was a junior there but lost about half of the credits when he came to my school. This may or may not benefit you, depending on how you look at it. I mean that may just mean that you get more time to meet more people at the cost of having to take a bunch of classes again. (Btw that friend of mine commuted as well this semester and after talking to him all semester he finally tells me how terrible commuting was for him. I told him how he could dorm because that's what I'm basically doing and he went and signed up. He'll be dorming next semester as well. Commuting is horrible. Some people can do it, but it's hard)</p>

<p>Another thing I'd like to point out is that a lot of people make their decisions based on what will happen way into the future. Now it never hurts to plan ahead but I think sometimes you just need to do things without look so far ahead. Take things one step at a time. I'm talking in regards to the money it might cost you to transfer (losing scholarship, fin aid, etc). Yes it might cost more money, and that may mean taking out loans, but sometimes you just have to do things. Look at it this way, in your situation, even if you do take out loans they won't be nearly as big as the ones that some students have to take starting from freshman year. You'll have like about 2 years left of school if you transfer probably and that's what you'd have to take out in loans. Transfer students do get financial aid and there are still scholarships out there for you to apply to. Just go out and look, and even if there isn't much aid just take out the loans and take that chance that things may just get better.</p>

<p>Also never be afraid to speak your mind. Don't go nuts saying things that will clearly offend people, but when it comes to socializing it takes two people to make things happen. I'm not sure exactly how you are but I'm assuming you're probably quiet and shy just because of the situation you're in. Just go out there and start speaking your mind. The only way people can get to know you and like you for who you are is by opening up.</p>

<p>Also join activities on campus. That will help you meet people. Don't be afraid to try new things. That's what it's all about. You want change, you gotta be willing to try new things.</p>

<p>As far as the drinking stuff goes, although it may be true that a lot of these guys just hang out because they drink, it's at least something they have in common and lets them bond. As they mature, they'll get over that phase and maybe they won't hang out anymore or maybe they'll continue to hang out and do other things. Don't just judge some of these people and think all they do is drink and that's why they hang out. People have to have something in common first to hang out then close relationships develop. Doesn't work the other way around.</p>

<p>You might also want to try and be more positive.</p>

<p>If I were you, here's what I would do. Forget the job. Transfer schools. Find out how they'll treat your credits you've accumulated and the financial aid you'll get from them. And start socializing and joining activities. This will cause you to move out of the house. You don't need your parents anymore to support a decision such as transferring schools. You're an adult and you can make that decision now. It'll require you to take out loans so just take them out. Worry about that in the future. Just be prepared to make the best out of your years in a new college and to have yourself a job as soon as you get out to start paying back the loans if it worries you that much. And I would still see that therapist. S/he would help you sort through the kind of problems you're dealing with as you start making these changes.</p>

<p>Don't be afraid to get out of this comfort zone you're in because the more you stay in it the more depressed you'll get.</p>

7

<p>You honestly just have to put yourself out there to meet people. Talk to people in your classes. Join something that interests you. Whatever. Just take a chance and go for it. I had a mediocre high school experience (a few friends, but none superclose except my best friend Jess, and also we were not in the "in" crowd and so got picked on alot), and I also thought that college would immediately change that for me, but it didn't. At first, it started off as yours must have: being alone alot, not meeting people, etc. I finally just had enough of it, and said to myself, I have to try new things and do SOMETHING because I am NOT going to keep living my life like this. So, I took a chance and a girl I met in a class invited me to go to a swing dancing class with her, which quite literally changed my life. You just have to go for it, with whatever "it" is. Take a chance on something. It's never too late to change for the better.</p>

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<p>Thanks for the replies so far.</p>

<p>Commuting is extremely difficult. I wake up and dread that 45 minute drive every day. While it is an obstacle people can overcome, I greatly blame my commuting for this entire problem. I'm just not around people enough to really get close to them. I can't afford to live in town or on campus though, I would have to take out a loan. My parents would not support me in doing that.</p>

<p>I realize transferring schools would probably be my best option short term. However, I would have to fight my parents every step of the way to get there. My parents are very closed minded and only see long term. They get mad when I even bring up moving out. My parents are of the extremely over-protective variety.</p>

<p>How do I tell my parents how I really feel about this and get them to see my side? Last time I tried to talk to them about merely taking out a loan and moving on-campus, they flipped out on me and went on and on about how on-campus life would be so much worse and I was insane for considering it.</p>

<p>Its a little too late to transfer for this coming semester, but if things don't get better this semester I'm going to one of these three options: getting a loan and moving on campus at my current college, transferring schools, or taking tons of summer classes and graduating early.</p>

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<p>I commute and I've been relatively successful at finding a social life, yet I still don't feel as close to the folks on campus as others.</p>

<p>My drive is five minutes, so it's not like I'm off campus. I've found most of my social life on campus comes from a group I'm in that meets weekly and also from hosting study sessions.</p>

<p>However, I'm one who likes to say "screw the concept of peer age groups". I'm in a few other activities that meet during the week and also have a job. All but a few people in these organizations are older than me, some by a few generations. But we get along great and I actually find I relate better to senior citizens sometimes. I think being an only child is a factor there.</p>

<p>As for your parents--perhaps do what I am doing. I'm living in the basement and am out of the way of my mom. I'll come up for dinner but at the same time I don't have to even show my face in the rest of the house if I don't want to.</p>

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<p>So it seems then that your parents are a bigger part of your problems than you initially explained.</p>

<p>First off, your parents have no say whether you take out a loan or not because it would be under your name and you're an adult now. It's a decision you can make.
Secondly, you don't need your parents to support the decisions you make. Yes having someone to support you is good, but if they (your parents in this case) aren't going to support you then you certainly don't need them to keep you back from doing things you want to do when all you need is just that extra push.</p>

<p>Honestly, if I were you I'd try to talk to them again about it. Explain to them that you're not a little kid and that you're telling them what you want to do (and what you're hopefully GOING to do) because it's only fair that they know - they are your parents after all. You can't depend on them your entire life and they can't restrict you from doing things that you want to do.</p>

<p>Hey by the way if it makes you feel any better at my freshman orientation I met this senior who started off as a commuter. She told me about all the things she did to stay active on campus since freshman yr. She eventually dormed her junior year and seems to have a great social life going. She did that as a junior so it is possible to make friends even if you dorm towards the end of your college career. Even if it is a short term then look at it this way, you can look back and say 'I wanted to change something in my life and I went for it.' Doesn't matter whether you got what you wanted out of it but just the fact that you made the change is a start. it's a good attitude to have towards a lot of things. Worse thing to do is to want something and not go for it because then you're left with regrets.</p>

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<p>Maybe you could check with your school's housing office. There probably are dorms and apartments that need an extra person due to someone leaving the university or studying abroad. It may cost less than you think. </p>

<p>Does your school accept pledges to fraternities for the winter semester? If so, that would be an instant group of friends and also a place to live.</p>

<p>I commuted, and I agree that it sucks. It wastes so much time and adds to your fatigue. Probably the best thing for you is to either move on campus or to transfer. But look at it this way. You are more than halfway done and you can continue to commute if you absolutely had to. Just involve yourself in clubs and activities, get a job on campus, be proactive in making friends. After all, there must be other commuters, right?</p>

<p>BTW, BP-the Guy is quite right. A student loan is in the student's name. You can get one if you want to. Visit your school's financial aid office for help.</p>

<p>Here is the link to your financial aid resources:
<a href="http://www.uafortsmith.edu/Finaid/Index%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://www.uafortsmith.edu/Finaid/Index&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

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<p>willmingtonwave</p>

<p>how would i go about getting professional help if i think i have a problem that i can't overcome myself? would it cost alot of money?
would i have to tell my parents (insurance)? i think it's kind of embarrassing...</p>

<p>i really did try to be social when i came to college. i realized that i was being completely fake and that it wouldn't last, and i think there's some sort of deeper problem that i don't think i can overcome myself. i've always been a little obsessive compulsive, "unique", quiet, ADHDish...but i guess i was able to sort of hide it and i always had friends throughout school. i figured i'd just outgrow the shyness. i even took a public speaking class that i dreaded everyday to see if it helped me, so it's not like i havent made an effort to get over this problem. </p>

<p>when i came to college though i realized that it's not going to happen...there's just something different about the way i think or something that makes it really hard to be social. my mind just seems blank alot, and it's really hard for me to tell stories (kind of random, but i noticed this)...the way i think is just very choppy and it just makes me amazed at how other people can tell stories so fluently from memory...or recite movie lines...i just can't do it. i've also noticed that my facial expressions are kind of abnormal...like i'll see friends i havent seen in awhile, they'll look at me and smile and come over to talk, and they will start to act nervous like i don't want to talk to them. i can understand why, because ive gone into the mirror afterwards and done the same facial expressions that i remember doing during the conversation and my face doesnt look friendly at all. i thought i was trying to look friendly, but it just looks nervous and awkward...like fake smiles that someone does when they don't really want to talk to you.</p>

<p>when i first came to the dorm everyone was really friendly, invited me to hang out, etc, but after awhile i became very reclusive and antisocial. honestly, i find it kind of humorous when i look back at how must appear due to the way i act. i'm the weirdo of the hall...lol. i think people in my hall are starting to think im suicidal or depressed because i've withdrawn and become very quiet, but honestly im not suicidal or depressed at all, it's just the way i become when i stop putting on a front and trying to act social. </p>

<p>i'm even afraid to go to the family christmas parties because i find it hard to talk to relatives...people in general. i can't form study groups because i just can't study in a group, the only way i can study is to go into the library alone for hours because i day dream alot and can't focus. </p>

<p>i thought i was completely screwed when i went to my first college class because everyone in the class seemed so much smarter than me. when a TA asked a question, everyone seemed to be able to answer while i could barely keep track of what the TA was asking....i find it hard to take in information through just plain listening. the only real way i can learn is to have something in front of me that i can look over and over since i lose focus alot. the funny thing is, when it came to the combined scores of midterms and final exams, i had the highest combined score by far. so this leads me to believe that it's not that i'm just an idiot, but there's just something different about how i process information or take in information. one time the TA asked me how to START a problem, because i was one of the only people who got it 100% right on the test, but i had absolutely no idea. even though i obviouslty knew how to do the problem, i had no idea how to start it when the TA asked. my mind was just blank, and it seems like my brain goes blank alot.</p>

<p>im starting to think it's all related and causing me to withdraw from social situations...the blank mind, not having anything to say, and the other things are causing my social interactions to be very awkward....and i've come to the conclusion that it's not something that i can get over by myself, but i don't know where to get help or where to begin. i'd really rather not tell my parents because i think for the most part they know im quirky, but i've hidden the bigger problem from them pretty well and i don't think they would believe me. </p>

<p>i've done a very small amount of research, and it seems i have alot of symptoms of aspergers, adhd, obsessive compulsive disorder, high functioning autism, and social anxiety but none seem to truly fit me and i don't know what to do or how to get tested to see if i have any of these. i don't know if im being a hypochondriac for listing so many different disorders or what (i'm not saying i have them all, since alot have related symptoms, these are all just possibiltiies), but i know with 100% certainty SOMETHING is not right, i just dont know what it is exactly. </p>

<p>i'd much rather get this figured out by myself, preferrably at school without my parents finding out, but i don't exactly have alot of money...do schools have free services for these things at all? </p>

<p>sorry for the long post, i kind of rambled.</p>

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<p>hmm the post was longer then i thought and i don't wanna take away from help bchris might get from this thread so i made a new thread just for my super long post lol....so if anyone wants to reply to my post you can go to the "what's wrong with me" thread. i still would like to know if willmingtonwave went to see a professional or if he just got over it himself though.</p>

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<p>bchris02, you definitely need to do something to get out of your present situation. Taking on a little debt so that you can go full-time and live in the dorms would probably be worth it in your situation. Honestly, you'd only be looking at around 10-15k, not a huge amount compared to what you will probably be making in a couple years. If thats absolutely not an option, see if you can get more involved - maybe in a service group at your school (habitat for humanity, etc.)??? It will probably improve your outlook. Just a couple suggestions. Also, there's probably someone at your college who can help you more than anyone here (since they have had more experience) - you could even check with your academic adviser.</p>

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<p>
[quote]
I realize transferring schools would probably be my best option short term. However, I would have to fight my parents every step of the way to get there. My parents are very closed minded and only see long term. They get mad when I even bring up moving out. My parents are of the extremely over-protective variety.</p>

<p>How do I tell my parents how I really feel about this and get them to see my side? Last time I tried to talk to them about merely taking out a loan and moving on-campus, they flipped out on me and went on and on about how on-campus life would be so much worse and I was insane for considering it.

[/quote]
If your parents are telling you that you're "insane" for considering living on campus they are more than over-protective. They're controlling, and since you're now a 20-21 year old man it's degrading and embarrassing. When do you think they're going to let go? You need to break the cycle, but my bet is they have you under enough sway so that it's going to be hard to do so; so instead you'll feel miserable and unload yourself to strangers like on this forum which will make you feel better temporarily but won't change things.</p>

<p>My advice is to start by seeking assistance from the counseling center at your school. Most colleges offer this free or at low cost. Work with them to plan a change, either to move on-campus or to transfer. Also work with them on social skills; not everyone can be the center of attention but you can certainly change your life for the better.</p>

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<p>Do your parents realize how miserable you are right now? Explain that to them, and if you already have, explain it again. Then tell them what you have decided--Give them a detailed plan. Don't get mad and yell or have a tantrum. You have to show them that you're an adult. Maybe that will help them begin to treat you like one.</p>

<p>You're scared of ending up in debt. I understand your fears completely. The average college student takes out about $20k for their education. I know that seems like a huge number, but for 1 to 1 1/2 years, it would be less. And loans are not the only available options. Fill out the FAFSA. Maybe you could qualify for some grants or a work-study job on campus. Even if you've filled it out in the past, the added expense of living on campus and studying full-time could add other types of need-based aid into the picture.</p>

<p>What I think you need to ask yourself is this--Which is worth more to me, a college experience where I was miserable and came out debt-free or a good college experience that put me a little into debt?</p>

<p>Also, I know it seems extremely hard, but you do, as other posters have said, have to make an effort if you want things to change for you socially. The world is not going to change for you, especially if you just sit around and wait on it--You have to take initiative and change your world. I promise, you'll never regret it once you do.</p>

<p>You have to be brave. It seems like your facing a lot of scary decisions right now. I'm sure it's all very overwhelming. You just have to go with what you want. Don't let others get in your way. If you really want something, you can do it.</p>

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<p>It sounds like you definitely need professional help. There's nothing wrong with seeing a therapist and I implore you to do so.</p>

<p>You're right, contrary to people who say "it's all different in college, there aren't cliques, etc" are wrong. It's the same crap. Same drama, same back-stabbing, same excluding people, etc, etc.</p>

<p>Fortunately, despite realizing there will always be drama (in elementary school, middle school, high school, college and beyond - you should listen to the drama my mom has when setting up mah jong games - but I digress.), I have been very lucky to make truly wonderful friends at my school.</p>

<p>I definitely think living on-campus would make all the difference in the world. That's how most friendships are made. Even if you live off-campus, you should join a club to meet people with your same interests.</p>

<p>Good Luck!</p>

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<p>my suggestion is to just join a college club that at least somewhat interests you. people tend to act more mature there and you're bound to make friends</p>

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<p>Going through your (bchris02) school's website, I couldn't find anything along the lines of psychological services. Best thing I could find is the academic advising (<a href="http://www.uafortsmith.edu/Advising/Index)%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://www.uafortsmith.edu/Advising/Index)&lt;/a>. It mentions that they can refer you to "personal support services", and somewhere else it mentions that you can talk to them about issues that are impeding your academic performance. Hopefully whatever place they refer you to will be able to help with family/social issues, and the academic advising people would be able to help you if you decide to take out loans and move onto campus. Even if the first advisor you meet sucks, just try and find one who you like and trust. College is supposed to be a transition to independence, and if your parents aren't going to help you, then it's in your best interest to find somebody who will.</p>

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<p>One word: Gamble. </p>

<p>More stuff: You probably need to tell your parents to shut up and go move out. You're a junior. They really don't control you anymore. </p>

<p>Happiness is the most important thing in the world. Gambol for it.</p>