Is your dad paying for your college? If so, then I’m not sure that you have much of a choice. I’d start finding things to love about Berkeley. I’m sure you could be very happy there if you try. Unfortunately, I can see how your relationship with your father might never recover from this, though.
I don’t know how this will end up school wise. I wish you well. Please try to understand your father. He came here did well. He set up and environment to help you get the farthest you could. To him Berkeley is one of the best places you can be. Parents are not required by law to provide any college help. So look at his offer to help you go to Berkeley as a gift. Some presents you can not exchange. Let things calm down for a day or so.
Please tell us more…
What is your home state?
If he liked UVA, could he easily afford it? How much will it cost your family for each school?
You can’t choose UVA if your dad won’t pay…simple as that.
Your dad is likely going to pull the “power card” and force you to attend UCB or else.
He is already using the power card. Since he has absolute veto power against any college choice other than one where the OP has a full ride merit scholarship, his decision is effectively final.
Obviously, his use of the power card will come at great cost to both him and the OP, in terms of future family relations.
@mom2collegekids my home state is Virginia, so if my dad doesn’t want to pay my mom will probably be able to pay some and I’ll have to take out loans. I plan to contact UVA’s financial services and see what other possible options I have if my dad doesn’t end up paying
>>beth's mom wrote:
Unfortunately, I can see how your relationship with your father might never recover from this, though.
Obviously, his use of the power card will come at great cost to both him and the OP, in terms of future family relations. <<
Dad is being a pretty big pill about this, but i do not advocate holding a lifelong grudge and cutting him out of your life for the terrible crime of … paying for you to attend one of the world’s top universities.
so UVA is less costly than Berkeley?
If so your Dad is certifiably NUTs to insist on you going to UCB
You will be limited in how much in loans you can take out yourself to finance UVa. If your dad is prepared to pay OOS money for Berkeley, it sounds like your EFC must be very high. UVa is not going to work with you about finances just because your dad says he won’t pay. Can you try again to speak with him about this, can your mother reason with him? You only have a few days before a deposit is due somewhere. Good luck.
I understand the cultural pull that Berkeley has to him.
Perhaps you could have UVA admissions help put you in touch with a Chinese professor at UVA who teaches in the field you are interested in. Perhaps that professor might be willing to talk to your dad personally, and tell him about all the joint research that is going on between UVA and China, etc.
I hope he can find a way to support your desire to go to UVA.
It’s a shame your Dad is being so rigid, but if he’s willing to pay for one but not the other, go to the one he’s willing to pay for rather than take out loans.
And meanwhile you have a few days to take some of the suggestions above on how to bring him around to your point of view.
Wherever you land, you’ll be fine. Great choices.
For the purpose of future family relations, it may not matter so much that the schools in question are great. What may be the issue is that the OP’s father may have previously led the OP to believe that s/he had a choice in the matter (by allowing the OP to apply to Virginia), but now says that the choice is his and his alone.
Yes, not denying it’s a big problem in terms of their relationship. But if those are the cards he is now dealt, the question is how to cope with them.
He can allow this to make him miserable, or he can work with it as best he can. And that includes continuing to try to change his Dad’s mind while there’s still time, and then adapting to whatever the result is.
After that … does he want to allow it to trash a lifelong relationship? Or not? There’s time to figure that piece out. Meanwhile, a college education is before him.
This whole thing makes no sense. California has been starving it’s schools for years to the point that I don’t see any rational reason to pay for them for undergraduate from out-of-state.
University of Virginia has been one of the best universities in the United States longer than California has been IN the United States. You are in-state for University of Virginia so this should be a no-brainer.
This would be unfortunate and will hurt, but the greater loss will be his. In my opinion, this threat is abusive. You should not be made to succumb to this abuse. You are not guilty or unreasonable. Your family needs some therapy.
You should calmly and politely tell him that you deposited at Virginia.
If he follows through and refuses to speak to you, then you should show up at his house with your new tattoo laden boyfriend in his leather jacket on his exceptionally loud motorcycle. (just kidding, but hope you smiled).
But how will she pay for UVA? (And sorry for getting the wrong gender before.) You’re right about the issues, @ClassicRockerDad. I’m just trying to stay practical.
@ClassicRockerDad, how exactly do you propose that the OP pay for Virginia?
The choice has to be made in a handful of days. Realistically, it looks like OP CANNOT go to UVA without Dad’s money. If that is the case, the discussion ends basically ends there.
Go to Berkeley, be grateful that he will pay (or find someplace else you can pay for, including community college).
Try and get along with him for 4 years and get your degree.
I would then suggest that you become self supporting as soon as possible so that he cannot play this hand again over you (‘I have the money so do as I say or I don’t speak to you and I won’t help you at all’).
Whatever the reason, if he won’t change his mind, you have to work with what you have. Right now you have:
- The option to go to UC-B and have it paid for or
- ????? (Do you have any other real choices?)
I think you will have to take 1.
OP it seems that you and your father are not having good communication around this. Financially it seems that UVa would be easier on your family, yet that does not seem to matter to him as much as the brand name. Can you call on a trusted (adult) family friend? Aunt or uncle? Minister or someone else he might listen to? Be sure it is someone he respects. Can you think of someone else who could come in ASAP to interject an opinion?
I don’t think that’s true.
Worst case, OP can take Stafford loans, mom can take Plus loans, both should shame Dad into paying his fair share.
No, this parental abuse cannot be tolerated or it will never end and there is no guarantee that he will pay for Berkeley either. You’re one always one fight away from being out of school.
I’d call his bluff. Show him your draft ad for a Sugar Daddy.
Seriously, someone he respects needs to have a little chat with him.
Dad is really going about this is the worst way, but when all is said and done, what is the worst case scenario that OP is facing in this situation?
Dad is going to pay for her go to Berkeley instead of UVa.
I mean, he’s not exactly Hannibal Lechter here.
OP, you mentioned loans, but you can only take out $5,500 in loans freshman year. Doubt that will get you close to the cost of UVA.
Regarding facts you could give him, the Forbes college rankings put them essentially equal (#35 for Cal, #36 for UVA in 2015).
http://www.forbes.com/top-colleges/list/#tab:rank
My guess is that he wants bragging rights to his Chinese friends – do you have any relatives or family friends who could talk to him?