I’d guess that he views UVA as less selective/prestigious since you are in-state. UVA is very selective as an OOS student. You can try to talk to him again and see if his mind can be changed-- perhaps the lower price tag at UVA will help. But if your dad will only pay for UC Berkeley, then go to UC Berkeley. And while it may not be your top choice you need to recognize that:
–Misguided or not your dad is making what he thinks is the best decision for your future. Try to be a bit understanding that his motives are good.
–Many many students do not get to go to their top choice school for a host of different reasons. You are not the only one.
–You can achieve your goals going to either school.
–Berkeley is a great school and the only thing that will stop you from enjoying your college experience and getting a great education there is your going in with a bad attitude.
–A great many people would do almost anything for an opportunity to get a paid for college education at a wonderful 4 year college. Time to start counting your blessings and looking at the positive, not the negative.
Sorry, this isn’t about money, it’s more about control, power and dominance.
She wants him to spend LESS money for what she thinks is a better education. We’re talking about University of Virginia.here. There is no logical basis for his position.
She wants him to spend LESS money for what she thinks is a better education. We're talking about University of Virginia.here. There is no logical basis for his position.<<
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yes I agree. he is making no sense. but what we believe does not matter. what matters is his perception and what he is willing to pay for.
so unless she can get someone he respects to talk some sense into him – and FAST – she is really out of options
Maybe he thinks that a MORE EXPENSIVE college is a BETTER college?
I agree with the poster who said he probably wants bragging rights among his Chinese friends. Maybe not only because of the brand name, but also because he is showing that he can afford to pay for UCB.
I have a feeling that this is not the first time that dad has pulled the power card. Situations like this do not exist in a vacuum. The relationship is sour already, and if it weren’t this issue, it would be something else.
Also, a poster upthread pointed out that UCB’s public health program is going away. Tell dad about that. Or does he not care about what you want to study?
I have two ideas:
Try to make UVA work, even without dad’s money.
Get a third party to help you talk this out. Any family in which the dad says you MUST go a plane-ride away to UCB and spend more money, rather than go to an equally excellent in-state option is operating on a level that has nothing to do with you and your well-being. Family therapy may be in order.
Maybe she should choose to be happy with the husband he picks out for her too. Where does it end?<<
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in this case, May 1.
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Get a third party to help you talk this out. Any family in which the dad says you MUST go a plane-ride away to UCB and spend more money, rather than go to an equally excellent in-state option is operating on a level that has nothing to do with you and your well-being. Family therapy may be in order.<<
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maybe if this issue came up a month ago, this would be possible. but there is so little time to work this out at this stage of the game.
^^^^It ends when the OP is completely self-supporting – then she will have the freedom to choose her own husband and conduct her life as she sees fit with or without dad’s approval. As a minor with no means of support, that is not the current situation. In this case the father is not forcing his daughter to do anything illegal/immoral, he just strongly feels (incorrectly IMO) that Berkeley is the far better school and has decided that he will only pay for that option. Parents are not bound to pay for a child’s college education. Although it would not be advisable, the OP does has the right to move out on her own, work and save money for college, and then attend college of her choice.
In a world where so many dads don’t give a $hit about their children, you have a father who actually wants you to have a good future and is willing to pay for it. He is not perfect or understanding of your wishes but given his background and struggles, probably he wants to save you from hardships that can be avoided and sees UCB as a source for your bright future. I say hug him and do your undergrad from UCB. There are bigger problems out there then going to UCB, don’t go in loan debt or drain mom for it.
to the point of cutting off all contact with his daughter if she doesn’t comply? How is this NOT coercive abuse?
A loving father would not make his daughter feel like that. I’m a loving father of two daughters and it just doesn’t compute.
I can’t condone this behavior nor can I condone succumbing to this coercion. Furthermore, on what basis can she believe that he will follow through and pay for Berkeley for 4 years. He’ll just find some other excuse to cut her off and where does that leave her. Can she really trust him? Why should she? Why would she?
If there is any way to pay for UVa without dad. ANY way, that would be preferable.
This situation is the exact reason why my D’s roommate lied to her Dad and said she was rejected from an out-of-state flagship that he wanted her to go to. Terrible to lie to her father like that. But I guess she knows him well enough to know that he would have forced her. Not saying this is the right thing to do, but in the end it did avoid a situation in which he would have forced her to go to that school. As in the situation of this thread, she chose an equally good public flagship.
I am not condoning the father’s actions, but I believe here we have a case of an immigrant, with some misguided ideas, who truly wants the best for his daughter. Cutting off all relations if she does not comply may be more of a threat than an promise, but likely we will never know. I do hope things work out as the OP hopes, but children are destined for far worse fates than UC Berkeley.
@ClassicRockerDad, are you offering to pay her UVA costs? I agree that her dad is nuts, but it isn’t like he is making her go to a crappy school. There was a poster last year (starting college this fall, actually) whose dad would only pay for Scripps. So Scripps is where she is going. She was not very happy with him, but she has come around to the idea that Scripps is a very fine school, and there are much worse places her father could have insisted on.
If this poster wasn’t dealing with her dad, and somehow someone had offered her a free ride to Cal, and she was weighting trying to borrow and scrabble her way to the in-state tuition cost at UVA and ignore the free ride at Cal, we would tell her she is the one who is nuts. But that is sort of what is happening here. It is his money. He is willing to pay for Cal, not for something else. I’d tell her to take his money (but definitely marry who you want to, OP).
He may seriously believe that allowing his daughter to attend UVA will hurt her job prospects significantly and that it would be irresponsible parenting to allow it when Berkeley is an option. Of course, he’s wrong, and it’s horrible parenting to try to enforce this coercively, but the road to hell is paved with good intentions.
OP, if you do have to choose UCB (as it sounds is the case), look for the positive in that. Yes, DC may have great public health opportunities, but so does the bay area. For example, there’s UCSF, the 2nd largest employer in SF and a center of health sciences. And of course, Berkeley’s an excellent school in the first place.
What if you’d been accepted to Berkeley and rejected from UVA? You’d be happy to attend, right? Your father’s in the wrong, and it’s understandable if your relationship ends up damaged, but at least in this situation you still have a great college option.
@ClassicRockerDad asked 'Maybe she should choose to be happy with the husband he picks out for her too. Where does it end? ’
It ends when she jumps out of his wallet. That is the reality.
If she call FULLY support herself, she will not need to rely on him (or, fyi, marry whom he says).
If he cannot be reasoned with, he certainly cannot be forced to pay. Right or wrong can be argued endlessly. The father’s abhorrent behavior can be railed about. However, this young lady needs to face reality and plan around it-now (as @Wien2NC said) ! Of course try and get Dad to see her point, but if he won’t and you want his money, you’ll have to do what he says. This is one reason some children try very hard to become financially independent as quickly as possible.
I wish I could reason or hypnotize your dad into letting you pick whichever college you like but that’s not possible. What’s possible for a student is to either earn a free full merit ride to a school of his/her choice, let parents pay for college of their choice or take a gap year to work so one can apply as an independent for financial aid to school of his/her choice. Just because most of us parents let kids decide, it doesn’t make it a legal right.