my dad’s always been super over protective and condescending towards me. it was barely bearable as a high school student, but now that I’m in college i would like a bit more freedom. the scholarship program i am in is hosting a trip for spring break, but my dad doesnt think i should go. how do i convince him to get off my back and let me make my own choices?
If you are paying for it then he shouldn’t really have a choice.
Yeah? If i told him that he’d disown me. Black parents, my friend, black parents.
Why doesn’t your father want you to go? Cost? Safety? The family wants to see you for break? Try to figure out where the resistance is coming from and then calmly address his concerns.
Good advice @momofsenior1
You can’t really make a good argument on why you should go if you don’t know the objection.
He just keeps saying its not necessary. One, he thinks because i am female it isnt safe; two, he says he’d “miss me”, and thats as far as we get before he pats me on the head, says i’m pretty, and dismisses me.
What are the location(s) of the trip? Are these location(s) in areas that a reasonable person could consider unsafe? Does he realize how important the trip would be to you? Have you told him the benefits of the trip?
Come back armed with why it is necessary - part of your scholarship program, the specifics of how it ties into academics and personal growth, etc… Do your research on who is leading the trip, how many students are going, and look up if there is a travel advisory to that area. As far as the missing you part, make arrangements to have him come visit you another weekend at school.
Can you finance this trip yourself? IMO, that would give you more authority over the decision.
Do you have another family member that would be supportive of this trip? Could you elicit their assistance?
P.S. I’m sorry your father is like this.
Are you currently living on campus, or do you commute to your college from your parents’ home? Easier to leave for the trip from campus vs. commuting situation. It sounds like this scholarship program is paying for, and leading the group of students. So I am assuming there will be oversight and some level of safety in numbers for this trip? I would think there would be an added value in going, not sure if it is pure academics, sightseeing and bonding within the group of scholarship students, or a little of both? Exposing a student to new places, new ideas (or visiting historical places and revisiting how we got to where we are now) and new experiences are all positives.
Do both of your parents forbid you to go? Or just dismiss the whole idea? What would happen if you go anyway? And could you live with those consequences?
Maybe a visit to your school’s counseling center could help. A counselor could help you think in practical terms of words to use in a conversation with your father. And if you want, you could also speak to the scholarship organization also. Maybe they could be of help in persuading your father about the benefits of going on this trip.
Is this trip an international destination, or just heading to the next big city near your college? What will you be doing on this trip? Attending musical concerts or theatre, or academic conferences where people are presenting and discussing papers?
Will you be introduced to any authority figures who could be great networking contacts later on as you head to grad school or look for a job?
It is SO hard to transition from daddy’s little girl to an independent Adult. This is one step toward’s independence. But the longer you put off making your own decisions, the more ingrained the “normal” of blindly obeying your father will become.
“This is not up for discussion. The scholarship organization has organized an incredible trip, it will be an amazing opportunity for me, and I am going to accept and attend.” Me writing those words was simple and easy. You saying them to your father is a whole world of uncomfortable. You can add in “I know you love me, and want me to be safe. I want me to be safe, too. I appreciate how much you have done for me, and I want to make you proud as I go out into the world and BE all I can be.”
It’s far more difficult to convince overbearing parents to ‘get off your back,’ as it were, when you are still financially dependent on them. I’m not saying that as an excuse for this kind of behavior, but rather as a qualifier. I think a lot of high schoolers expect that the second they turn 18, they’ll be free to make all of their own decisions, without their parents’ input or oversight at all. The reality is that many decisions are still made by parents (or made jointly) long after your 18th birthday.
How strict and/or open to discussion are your parents? Just because he ‘dismisses you’ doesn’t mean you have to pay attention to the dismissal - you can stay there and attempt to continue the conversation. This, of course, is less useful if he will just stonewall you. You could also politely call attention to his condescension - patting you on the head and calling you pretty isn’t going to work anymore to get you out of his hair. “Dad, I understand that you care me and are trying to make decisions to protect me, but I’m also learning how to be an adult and make my own decisions. I think we should be able to have a discussion about this.”
I think you need to separate this desire for the trip from other issues related to your growing independence. You may need to make this sort of trip after graduation. This trip may not be a battle you can win. Not now. Focus on your studies and preparing for your eventual full adulthood.
OP already said that if she insists, he could disown her. We don’t know if he would. But establishing greater independence in steps may be wise.
What does your mom say?
@thumper1 she has no say in this and honestly probably doesnt care.
Are you a freshman? If so, is the trip only for freshmen? If not, are you willing to discuss going the next year?
If you are a freshman, and you haven’t been home much this year, he probably DOES miss you. Ask him to make specific plans for the week and if he says he can’t, then work that into the 'I’ll be home but you won’t be here, so I think I should go with the rest of my class as I’ll be experiencing __, , which will help with my major."
If it is a trip to the beach, you won’t get far with your father, but if it is an educational week of museums, volunteer work, theater or art, spell that all out. If it has a fee, explain how you will pay that. Have the head of the program write a letter to ‘parents’ explaining the benefits, the safety precautions taken, how prior trips have worked out.
While it’s likely that OP’s comment was made in jest, as a “Black parent”, I must comment that this father’s behavior is not typical in our culture.
Anyway, I’d be interested in your answers to the questions in posts above.
Are you living on campus, first semester away, where is the destination, etc… ?
It’s hard to comment without knowing your dad, you, or the details. My recoomendation is to be strategic in how you present this opportunity. Anticipate his objections and have a ready rebuttal. Not safe? Tell him the school has been doing similar trips in the past, and there were no issues. Not necessary? Tell him it’s a way to get to know other students who may prove to be good job contacts in the future, networking IS a huge benefit of many colleges. He’d miss you? Tell him you will text/email every day. Finally, tell him it’s paid for, it’s part of your college experience, it’s something you WANT to do. And then go. Afterwards tell him all about it, and show him how you were right to take advantage of this opportunity. There may be some pushback, but unless you declare your independence (in a loving, compassionate way) he WILL control your life indefinitely.
I had fairly protective Black parents growing up (i.e., no sleepovers, etc.) and found that the advice above to present the facts and figures worked very well. Who, what, where, when, why, how much, who is going to pay. Act like a dependent adult, not a child.
Starting in high school, I would make my pitches and could go on chaperoned school competition trips that were financed by the school and my parents would give me a tiny amount of spending money.The first thing I did in college was get a small job to have some cash.
Coming full circle, I have one dependent adult (a just turned 20 college student) and two high schoolers. I have explained to them that I want to say yes but my main job is to protect them and help them learn to make good decisions. They need to maturely explain why they should be allow to do what ever. Make sure you have earned trust, completed your obligations. No hissy fits, of course. Good luck.
As far as safety, I don’t know what they do in college but in the HS trips my daughter did there were literally private security guards in their hotel hallway watching out for them and they taped the doors closed at night (so you could tell if anyone had left). That was pretty calming to me.
First I would try to determine the cause of his anxiety
Is it:
-
garden variety helicopter parenting? If so, I would make clear what you are going to do on the trip, why, who will be their, who will be the professor/whoever supervising. Explain that this is not a spring break to Florida trip, but a trip to museums, etc. and you will be rooming with a girl.
-
Religious thing? Then talk about how you are rooming with people of same sex and much like at college you will not be doing whatever he thinks you might do.
-
Toxic/personality disordered: You need to assert your independence as much as possible. he is trying to control you.
The question is: Who pays for this? If you don’t need his $$, then go.
Is he really going to disown you? mostly likely not.
“Dad, i have worked so hard to get this scholarship and the opportunity it provides. I know you miss me, but you can pay for me to come home a weekend some other time or finals will be over in 2 months. I want to take advantage of these opportunities to get to know the professor in X field and do Y activities. If you really are going to disown me, let me know and I will tell grandma I have to stay with her over the summer because I went on a college scholarship trip to the ABC museum and you have disowned me.”
Bottom line as daughter if a controlling dad, until you pay your own bills you are kind of stuck.