Not off to a good start in college

Parents Forum
1

<p>My daughter is in her first semester at a well-known women's college and is NOT having a good experience. She was blessed with a great roommate, but unfortunately, her roommate has not done well in school and has already left campus, opting not to finish the semester. One of her other friends plans to leave at the end of the semester as well. </p>

<p>Like many freshman, she has had some adjustment issues, but now wants to come home after her finals and attend a community college here. I thought we had addressed this when she was home for fall break, during which time she agreed to finish the year at least. In exchange, I agreed to support her decision to transfer at that time. </p>

<p>The problem is that she has an excellent financial aid package where she's at and because of our current financial situation, we cannot afford to pay one big lump sum to send her to a cc in January. And honestly, I don't feel inclined to "save" her from this anyway. I think she needs to take responsibility for what's happening and look for ways to improve the situation, rather than just run away from it. </p>

<p>She's extremely upset about the thought of staying where she's at. But it's not like she's that miserable; she just wants more of a social life than this college can offer. Which is fine, but timing is everything.</p>

<p>I'm concerned that if she were to find a way to go the cc, it would make it harder for her to transfer somewhere else next fall. And if she doesn't find a way to do that, I'm afraid she might drop out altogether. So far, her grades are good, but with this going on, I don't know how she's going to make it through her finals.</p>

<p>At the moment, we're not even speaking because she is so upset that her dad and I have declined to pay for a cc. I've contacted the dean at her college and am waiting to hear back as to what they can do from their end. I truly believe she needs to speak with someone who can help her sort this out.</p>

<p>I wish I had a more uplifting tale to tell, but I don't. Any words of wisdom would be most appreciated. Thanks so much!</p>

2

<p>My heart goes out to you! Maybe you can find CL Dad--his daughter is transferring.</p>

<p>What about a compromise? What about a second semester at her current college that's full of fluff? Easy peasy courses that will give her time to relax and 'socialize'? The absolute minimum load? Are there any of those? Or is there any way she can take second semester abroad? London for the Spring?</p>

<p>I agree with you that trnasferring to CC is fraught with complications. If she is serious about another college, she should prepare a decent application now and submit it in the spring. I doubt she understands that drop-outs from top women's schools are not the typical CC student. She might be just as isolated--but in a different way.</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

3

<br>


<br>

<p>I'm not sure I understand that rationale. There is no "social life" at a community college. There is only a return to living at home and a high school "social life".</p>

<p>I can't really give advice, but off the top of my head, I would probably think about making the "return to high school" option look pretty unattractive. Since community college won't be very challenging, I would probably add a full-time job to the mix as well as not offering the kind of freedom a young adult would normally expect after they have left home. In other words, return to high school carries with a return to being treated like a high school kid living at home.</p>

<p>But, overall, I would try to find out what is really driving the desire to return to high school. Is it a boy friend? Is it being tainted by two college friends who threw in the towel, badmouthing the college experience? I would also get my kid in to talk to the college psych service counselors, who may be in the best position to figure out what is really going on. They've probably seen it all before.</p>

4

<p>I agree with interesteddad. There is something more to this story, & your DD needs to see the college counselor. The fact that her 2 friends are miserable & leaving has got to be an influence on her. I'd encourage her to stay there next semester ; make some new (hopefully happy) friends ; & look at a transfer to a different 4 year school after that.</p>

5

<p>I wonder if your daughter may be feeling really lonely now that the roommate is gone. Any chance you could talk to housing about the chance of transfers at the half year who could room with her? Or that she could switch into the room of someone else who was left with a single? My husband and I live on the campus of a boarding school, and every effort here is made to ensure that new students have a roommate: the connection can be so important. Try to keep the lines of communication open with your daughter. Maybe there are other underlying issues she is not sharing which she might if she felt you would really take them in. Good luck to you!</p>

6

<p>One more thing that just occurred to me. If you can't resolve this situation, I would nix the community college idea for now, because, frankly, that isn't going to accomplish anything.</p>

<p>I would arrange for your daughter to take a semester off from her school rather than withdrawing. This is very easy to do and she'll have automatic return priviledges for a year. Then, I would bring her home, tell her to go find a job (charge her room and board). Forget college next spring.</p>

<p>Revisit the situation after a couple of months of bagging groceries.</p>

7

<p>I feel for you,pcaz. I have a bit different opinion than the others here, just based on my own experience. We have a niece, who I believe I've written about before here, who went through a similar situation last year and my H and I had to deal with it because her parents were overseas. She could not have been a more perfect "fit" for her selective university. She had researched, visited, attended classes, done the overnights, etc. etc., much more than any other kid I know. She did what we all recommend. When she was accepted, she was on cloud nine. However, once she got there, she soon found that she did not like it. There were several factors involved, as it sounds like there are with your D, but she was incredibly unhappy. Long story short is that she came home, worked for the rest of the year, applying to another very selective university where she is now joyfully happy. I guess my moral of the story is that, it isn't the end of the world and, in my opinion, it's not worth forcing someone to stay in a situation that is making them so very unhappy. I wish you and your D good luck.</p>

8

<p>Hi cheers--thanks for the advice! The funny thing is that a few weeks ago, she was excited about her spring classes. They're not all easy, but they have captured her interest. It is heartbreaking for me to watch her go through this, but at the same time, I know it's a learning experience. For me to enable her to make a bad decision would do her a great injustice. Although I know she would disagree! :-)</p>

<p>I did try to sweeten the pot by saying I would find a way to get her a car to drive next semester. But that doesn't seem to be helping as much as I had hoped. </p>

<p>interesteddad--Since many of my daughter's friends attend the large university in our area, and some of them attend the community college, she feels like she would have a great social life. And from what I've observed, she would. But this is the same reason she wanted to leave in the first place, because she tended to get bogged down by all the socializing. </p>

<p>And yes, I'm right there with you on making this option as unattractive as possible. It's a fine line to walk though. I don't want to be unreasonable, but I do want to make it clear that coming back home will not be a bed of roses. She'll be expected to conform to a modified curfew--I, for one, don't like being woken up at 4 in the morning--and she will have to work 20-30 hours at a job.</p>

<p>The driving force of all this is that she wants to return to her comfort zone, and that means being around her rather large group of friends. On the other hand, she realizes that she doesn't want to stay here and go to college and sees the benefit in going away. Her comfort zone there was her two friends; without them, she's now extremely uncomfortable. My suggestion was for her to try and meet new friends now so next semester won't be so difficult.</p>

<p>I think she's going through some growing pains in sorting out all these conflicting feelings. I have suggested that she speak to a counselor and I will continue to suggest it, but I don't know if she'll do it or not. Thanks so much for your input, though. It really helps to talk it out with other parents.</p>

9

<br>


<br>

<p>I don't disagree with that. I just see quitting the current school and enrolling in a community college as a needlessly complicating factor -- worse than a waste of time. She would be better off taking a leave of absence and letting things settle out and calm down before deciding on the next course of action. Especially if things are at the stage where the student is too "upset" at mom and dad to even talk about what is really going on.</p>

<p>A transfer from the current college would be much easier than quitting and trying to transfer from the local community college. </p>

<p>BTW, I agree with momofthree that loneliness may be the underlying issue here. IMO, it is hanging with a group of friends that allows kids to make an easy transition from home to college. Having friends and roommates bolt could undermine that support structure.</p>

10

<p>You are all so wonderful and your suggestions are great. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!</p>

<p>There's no doubt that what's happened with her roommate and friend has influenced her. Interesteddad, I laughed when I read your comment! This option did cross my mind. It wouldn't be the best way to go, but as alwaysamom said, it wouldn't be the end of the world either. In any case, the decision is hers.</p>

<p>I also think momofthree's idea about the rooming situation is worthwhile. They have new freshman starting in the spring and that could be perfect!</p>

11

<p>It's understandable that you feel disappointed that things haven't worked out the way you and your daughter had hoped. But if she truly feels that the current college is not a fit for her (and we all make mistakes!), why force her to stay in a situation she doesn't like? Forgive me if I'm wrong but I sense from some of the wording in your post that you may be embarrassed that your daughter isn't happy at her "well-known" school and that embarrassment is compounded by the thought of having to tell people she is going to be back at home going to community college. Please consider if this aspect is playing any role in your wanting your daughter to stay where she is. </p>

<p>Truthfully, I don't think a semester at a community college or even a semester off entirely is going to be the kiss of death in terms of applying to other quality schools for next fall. Admissions offices have seen this same thing many times on transfer applications.</p>

<p>Finally, I wouldn't let a hefty scholarship or financial aid package sway the decision.
I like interesteddad's suggestion that she come home with the understanding that she will need to get a job to pay for the cost of the community college tuition. If she agrees to pay for her community college costs, the financial aspects to you will be minimized. You will also be able to see how unhappy she truly is in her current situation by asking her to make this commitment. </p>

<p>Sometimes, it really is better to just move on -- try to find CLDad's recent posts about his daughter's decision to leave her college after one semester. I know that he went through many of the same thoughts and concerns that you have. That may help.</p>

12

<p>Carolyn,</p>

<p>My issue with the community college option is that it seems to me that the next move needs to be the move that solves the problem. I have a sneaking suspicion that transferring to the large university close to home may be the right solution. </p>

<p>The problem is that the timing and current emotional state may or may not give everyone the opportunity to figure that out between now and January. So rather than cut off the options by withdrawing from the current school, maybe a cooling off period makes more sense. It's not like the community college option won't be there next June or next September if that proves to be the right answer.</p>

<p>Suppose the kid withdraws, enrolls at the community college, and then figures out in February that becoming a high school student living at home again isn't that much fun either? (A very high probability, IMO).</p>

<p>The more I think about it, my stance would probably involve being extremely supportive of a decision to take a leave of absence and come home to get a full-time job for a semester. I would only attach one stipulation to that option -- that D must go speak to the college counselors between now and the end of the semester.</p>

13

<p>I agree with Interesteddad. </p>

<p>A personal note regarding this subject. I came back to the states after 4 years of high school overseas. My family stayed overseas, and I knew no one. Attended a vary large university. Was miserable. Made good grades but had minimal social life and was very broke. Decided school was not for me. Quit. Worked one semester at minimum wage jobs, sharing a one bedroom with two other dropouts. </p>

<p>Decided that was not the way to live. Went back to University. Concentrated on studies and finished with a 4.0 average for the last three years, not due to any great intelligence on my part (and it wasn't a highly ranked institution, either), but due to the dedication with which I attacked the schoolwork. My biggest lesson in life was learned from those minimum wage, dead-end jobs. So maybe that's one way to look at it if she remains miserable and absolutely won't stay in that school. She has the potential to go to another great school or to give her school a chance to become the place she needs it to be. She just needs the internal motivation to find out which would be the better fit for her. </p>

<p>She definitely should get someone to talk to. I'm a firm believer in finding someone with an objective view to talk to and to help her come to her own realization of what's right for her. Good luck to you both.</p>

14

<p>Carolyn--thanks for your perspective. It's not that I'm embarrassed; it's that I'm concerned that she's getting off track. I just don't think transferring to a community college and then to a university is the right way to go for her. She had the option to go to the CC before she made her final choice and it was never on her radar until now. </p>

<p>From what she's told me, she doesn't want to go the local university. She thought about it during fall break and nixed it. She wants to go to school in a more challenging academic environment. While her friends are great, their goals are very different than hers.</p>

<p>I don't want her to be unhappy. And I have no problem at all with her transferring. I just want her to do it in the most beneficial way possible. And I agree with Interesteddad; I don't think she's going to be very happy by coming back here and I believe it's a decision she'll live to regret. </p>

<p>Interesteddad, I like your idea of stipulating that she has to go talk with a counselor or advisor before the end of semester. This could help her vent and talk things over with someone whom I'm sure has seen this situation before.</p>

15

<p>My vote is for her to stick it out. I have a friend whose D was a social "bigwig" in HS (grew up in same town from birth) and went across the country to a Univ of about 7000 kids. She left friends, boyfriend, etc. (She was a bit coddled and immature, in fact.) She went from bigwig to being a "nobody," and she was ill equipped to be a nobody. She HATED her Univ freshman year. But flash forward to sophomore year-- she began to love it!</p>

<p>A psychologist friend of mine gave me advice about my D-- sometimes your kid is looking to you not to enfold them in your embrace but to evince confidence that they can-- and will-- handle whatever unpleasant situation they are in, and that they will ultimately prevail. If you say, "fine, come home," she may get a subtle message that you lack confidence in her ability to turn things around on her own. If you say, "fine, stay on in a holding pattern, keep your grades up, and find a place that is perfect for you for transferring" you may give her a better message.</p>

<p>I would encourage her to see a counselor (to rule out a deeper problem of some kind, bulimia, substance abuse, depression, ?,) to do a lighter load, get involved in more groups and clubs, and start researching other good schools for transferring-- just in case things do not "gel" at this school or there is a specific "better match" out there for her.</p>

<p>The fact that she wants to race home (as opposed to go somewhere else more suited to her) and be with old friends (not on a different adventure) tells me that it is likely the dissatisfaction stems from the adjustment process coupled with losing her 'lifeline,' the roommate.</p>

<p>Aren't other parents out there aware of kids who took a year to begin to love their new school?</p>

16

<p>SBmom:</p>

<p>You and I are thinking along the same lines. That's really why I would force her to go meet with the school counselors. The whole thing just has the earmarks of running back to a prior comfort level and I'm not sure that parents should enable that without some concrete evidence of a serious problem (deeper than "I just don't like it here").</p>

<p>Another approach might be a simple presentation of the alternatives:</p>

<p>a) Alternative A -
great school
costs less
adult independence</p>

<p>b) Alternative B -
community college
costs more (can't afford it/you work and pay)
live at home like a child</p>

<p>I'm not suggesting a mean approach if there is reason to believe the kid is really in psychological trouble. But, if this is simply being homesick, I'd probably come down on the side of tough love.</p>

<p>BTW, I would feel differently if the kid were in trouble academically. Then, you really have to consider whether it's just the wrong school. But, "social life"? At some point you might just have to say, "give me a break, kiddo...." </p>

<p>I certainly wouldn't go along with it for a kid who is too "upset" to even talk to me about quitting college and moving home and who hasn't sought any of the resources on campus.</p>

17

<p>Freshman year is a huge social adjustment for anyone. No matter where a student goes to school, they are going to have to face the personal struggles that everyone at this age faces. It's easy for a student to say that the school isn't right for them, when in fact the challenges they are facing are normal and would occur anywhere. </p>

<p>My S who is a sophomore missed his freinds a great deal his freshman year. He had made many friends at school, but it wasn't the same as the friendships he had had all of his life. I think if she returned home she would find that her relationships with her friends would not be the same as they were in high school.</p>

18

<p>pcaz, My heart also goes out to you. You've received some excellent advice and comments here, and I don't think I have much to add. Even though my daughter is transferring, the situation is not the same, as all kids are different. One thing that struck me was your comment above that she wanted a more challenging academic atmoshere, then she wants to go to a CC? It sounds like she's confused. I agree that she needs to get some counselling. She may get a good counsellor at the school, or she may not. If not, you should try to find someone locally for her to talk to. Perhaps a disinterested third party can get to the bottom of the problem. It doesn't sound as if she has articulated why she wants to leave. I find myself agreeing with SBmom and interesteddad, even though that's not what we did in our D's situation. I hope that your D's school is as supportive as Dickinson. They say they want all students to succeed, and I'm sure that they would have bent over backwards to help my D where they could. But the things that she doesn't like about her situation just aren't changeable (by the school). I'll stick by my statement that "It's not the end of the world." I realize that it's tough for you as a parent. If she does end up at the CC, or takes a year off, or whatever; in the end it's her life. I know that you will do all you can to help her find good alternatives and be supportive to her.</p>

19

<p>pcaz -
We went through the same thing last year with our younger D. She called the weekend before Thanksgiving, crying hysterically, confessing how miserable she was at her "first choice", top thirty ranked, liberal arts college. Academically, she was doing fine (actually made dean's list both semesters) but socially she was miserable. The campus was 70/30 female to male and many of the girls were quite snobbish (you weren't worth associating with unless you wore Diesel jeans and Manolo Blahnick shoes). Furthermore, she had the roommate from hell! She was also bored by the lack of social events on campus and in the surrounding town. Unlike our D, most of the students brought cars to campus and escaped on the weekends.</p>

<p>Like your D, our D wanted to transfer to another four-year college with challenging academics and a more active social life. We learned the following from speaking with transfer admission officers from the various colleges that she was considering:</p>

<p>1) Grades from a CC are NOT going to strengthen your application for transfer. The level of instruction and competition are not considered equal to a selective four-year school.
2) "Multiple transfers" raise large red flags in transfer admission officers eyes, i.e., Will this kid be happy anywhere?
3) Taking time off to work will not help or hurt a student's chances for transfer admission academically, but the increased earnings of the student will significantly impact the EFC for the family upon the student's return to college.</p>

<p>Once our daughter understood that her only ticket out of her miserable situation was to tough it out where she was, and to continue to do well academically, she became a bookworm spending her weekends on campus in the library. That said, she was still miserably unhappy the entire year and could not wait to leave last May. She had everything packed and out on the curb when we got there! She said goodbye to no one!</p>

<p>I don't know how far away your D's college is from home. Our D was about two hours away by car so almost every weekend we either brought her home or went down to visit her. It was a long and exhausting year for us!</p>

<p>I believe my D would say it was worth the struggle though, as she was able to transfer to a very good four-year school (BC) where she is absolutely having a wonderful time- academically and socially.</p>

<p>My heart breaks for what your family and daughter are currently going through. Hopefully, you can share this information with your daughter, even have her speak to transfer admissions officers at colleges to which she would consider transferring.</p>

<p>Best of luck to all of you!</p>

20

<p>We need more data. You speak of her roomate and her other friend, are these girls she knew before college? By lack of a social life, what specifically does she mean? Lack of boys asking her out on dates? Lack of male/female parties? I just get the feeling that she was fine when her 2 female friends were there for her, but now that one is gone and one is going abject loneliness has set in. For a child with hundreds of friends in high-school, I can't see that the ostracism she feels can be anything but partially self-induced, and self-perpetuating. </p>

<p>It also seems that she may have intentionally obscured her true desires when choosing the school in the first place-she never really wanted to be at a women's college, she just felt it would be "good for her" to be in exactly the cloistered environment she now decries. An immature decision at best.</p>

<p>I do not know how a professional will see her mental state, but assuming that no factors other than what are apparent are present after examination by a competent counselor-it is time for her to grow up. I have great sympathy with your plight, little with hers. Life is about choices. If her grades are good, she's coping and performing at a high level at the SCHOOL SHE CHOSE. I repeat, the objective she set is being met-she is flourishing academically at a well-known women's college that she chose. If she now believes that a women's college doesn't meet her "social needs" well, bad choices have consequences. It's time to learn that. When do you think it is appropriate to learn that lesson? Grad school? First job? First marriage?</p>

<p>I would get the data. I would get the data analyzed. Then I would place the burden of correcting the situation at the school on the only person who can do it, her. I would allow her to consider a transfer, but she would need to understand that if the money is not the same and it is unavailable because of family finances, that option is just unavailable.</p>

<p>If ,on the other hand, I was dealing with a child who was in danger of hurting herself, whether emotionally, mentally ,or physically , I would be there in a heartbeat and take her home now to get well, and to Hell with the consequences.</p>

<p>As always , just my opinion and I'm willing to learn.</p>