<p>"What Motivates People to Change?" (BB PT1)</p>
<p>Change is a scary thing, for it represents stepping out of one's comfort zone, the unknown. Even so, people are constantly doing just that-changing. The reasons for this paradox, as people do not openly welcome what they fear, is maybe not as perplexing as some may think. There is pressure for change everywhere from other people as well as society as a whole.</p>
<p>The first pressure for change comes from other people- our peers. This can take the form of both conscious and unconcious change. A great example is my friend George. He seems to overreact to almost every comment as though it was criticism, and feels motivated to change himself as to conform to the ideals of others. I recall once making a comment about how his shirt looked a little small. I never saw him wear that shirt again. However, such change may also stem from the unconcious, from the way our mind percieves things. A strange glance, perhaps, could just as well have made my friend never wear that shirt again.</p>
<p>The second source of pressure for change comes from society, collectively as a whole. Such pressure is common; after all, which of us have not experienced peer pressure from one time to another? The feeling of acceptance that comes with conformity to society is a strong incentive for change. Examples can be found even in historical times, as in Shakespeare's "Julius Caesar," where Brutus, through pressure from his peers decides to join an alliance to overthrow Caesar.</p>
<p>In conclusion, motivation for change comes form other people and society. Although people say change comes from the inside, motivation for that change can almost alwasys be traced to the world around us. </p>
<p>i think it's alright for a first attempt at an essay... the first example i completely made up XD i don't even have a friend named george</p>
<p>My guess is that you would have recieved a 7 with that essay. While the actual content was not bad, your grammar and lack of variance in sentence structure detracted from the whole.</p>
<p>Btw your first sentence makes no sense; it could be referring to change or one's comfort zone as the unknown. Always make sure your first sentence is good!!!!!</p>
<p>Your second sentence reads better as "People do not openly welcome what they fear, yet this paradox is not as perplexing as some may think." </p>
<p>2nd example is weak - you need to flesh is out a bit more. </p>
<p>Also, the essay seems too short, and there are quite a few grammar mistakes. 7/12</p>
<p>First of all, your grabber isn't confusing, its just that you've made too many conjectures. Change is getting out of your comfort zone, and your comfort zone is the unknown...I'd skip the "unknown" part since you don't discuss us later on in your introduction at all. You do abut the idea of stepping out of one's comfort zone in your thesis by discussing pressure. So in general, for your introduction, TAKE A STANCE!</p>
<p>Second paragraph: Uhh watch your tenses...He seems to overreact to almost every comment as though it is criticism (not sure about that actually can someone please confirm?). Be less casual in this second paragraph, but your point was well made.</p>
<p>Third Paragraph: Really need some solid evidence. Also, this paragraph seems awfully similar to your second paragraph. </p>
<p>conclusion: Your two sentences say almost the same thing. Look back at your paragraphs and extract examples from there to put into your conclusion. </p>
<p>Overall I'd give this a 7, but if you work more on your third par. and conclusion, I'm sure you can get at least an 8.</p>