(a minor point, given how many great options have been suggested above, but Bucknell and WUSTL stand out in the lists of suggested colleges as ones that imo would not be a good bet for the OP)
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You are NOT stupid. And you are worth more than any college you do or do not attend. It takes parents a while to come around to both mental health issues and sexuality/identity topics. The prestige thing is harder. I know LOTS of families such as yours. My husband’s family also has a very large percentage of Ph.Ds, MDs and alum of elite colleges. It’s important they appreciate how much more challenging college admissions is now to whenever they all attended. This elevates the actual academic experience at what used to be mid-tier schools. That said, fit for you in #1 priority. I think there’s some great options listed above. I’ll (re)mention Macalester, Pitzer, Whitman, Lewis & Clark, Reed, Mount Holyoke (if you identify as a woman?). Pitz, L&C, Whitman, and MH are all test optional even pre-COVID. LACs tend to be more nurturing and have specific vibes so if you find one you like you’ll be immersed in that vibe. Be sure the school has good mental health services. You can try to put together some great accolades for whatever school to sell your family on the school. I would NOT recommend Boston College for you and Tufts with a 3.6 is probably not going to happen. They only have to look at stats to understand that. Good luck to you-- I hope they come around soon. In the meantime build a good support network of friends.
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This is your college problem in a nutshell.
But as others have said, you have a LOT going on, and I think the college problem that you are focusing on in the title of the thread is just a proxy for what is really most important to you: you do not just want your parents to accept your choice of college, but to accept all of you, who you are, and your parents are in denial.
A humble opinion from a parent who was raised in a fairly conservative background, and who is trying to learn and grow, every day:
As much as I’d wish for every child in the world to bask in the unconditional love and acceptance from their parents and extended family, it’s not happening. And trans kids have it so much harder. I do think parents sometimes just need more time, not just to overcome this own cultural conditioning, but also to come to terms with their own complicated feelings.
After all, when someone uses a person’s former name after transitioning, we call it “dead naming” - so in some ways, a parent is required to consider the child they thought they had, which they have loved and raised for almost two decades, dead. There may be a anger, grief and denial on their side, and hurt on yours, but there may be acceptance for the child they do have, and peace at some point.
Maybe not from all family members, but hopefully from those family members you care most about, and hopefully you are not being hurt so badly that it can’t be overcome, and feel the need to cut ties permanently (which is your right! It’s your life, but it may not be what you want. I think that yearning to be loved and accepted by your parents never goes away). I read that it is siblings and cousins who usually come around first, being a different generation, and maybe you can think of family members of your own generation to reach out to.
I’d also try to find as many online resources as you can, for as long as you are being denied support in real life. You will gradually, as you grow out of legal, emotional and financial dependence on your parents, be able to make more and more of your own choices, but again, this will take time, and meanwhile you need all the support you can get.
For the college question:
Make a long list of LGBTQ-friendly colleges first, because that will be life saving for you, without regard to selectivity and prestige, then create a shorter long list out of those with colleges who tick your other boxes, again without regard to selectivity and prestige - colleges you feel you can be safe at, physically and emotionally, and that, if you were accepted, your parents can afford. Those two pieces of the puzzle, safety and affordability, are absolutely non negotiable.
Then you create your actual short list including academic fit, with the usual number of safeties, matches and reaches. This board is excellent at helping you do that.
Then, out of the shorter long list of LTBTQ safe and affordable colleges, you add as many prestigious reaches which you feel will satisfy your parents. Just make sure they are schools you’d actually want to go to and feel safe at if you actually were accepted and your parents were to insist! I’m sure there are enough LGTBQ-safe prestigious colleges around to make your parents happy, a number of Ivies and NESCACs tick that box. Just don’t get mired into arguments at this point, not worth it.
After all, it’s then out of your hands, and most importantly, out of your parents’ hands. They may not be happy with your eventual list of acceptances, but I expect they do want you to go to college, and will not be so irrational as to deny to pay for the colleges you did get into - after all, you did your best.
Once you are at college, some conservative parents subscribe to a sort of “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. Freeing while you are at college, stifling when you visit home, but hopefully, survivable until you have graduated, have a job, your own place, and your own health insurance.
Please stay safe until then. Everyone here is rooting for you.
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Such a thoughtful and beautifully written response!
I hope the OP feels empowered to begin their journey. Good luck!
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When I was a junior in HS, several colleges offered me early admission. When my son wanted to skip,senior year of HS, I gave him my blessings. Sometimes people need to leave a toxic environment, or just have had enough of HS
No one mentioned Evergreen. Is that the name? In Pacific NW?
This so much. As a stepparent to a trans child, I have seen the difficulties that their parents are going through as they transition. The families have to transition too, and things will work out eventually (hopefully), but you can’t snap your fingers and expect 20 years of feelings, thoughts, experiences, hopes, and dreams to just vanish. People don’t downshift that fast. I hope your parents DO come through for you, and I also understand that they are probably hurting and confused. Lots of therapy, lots of communication and honesty. I wish you all the best possible outcomes. It DOES get better.
(I don’t have any school recommendations.)
im not a parent but i was lurking across cc and i saw this thread. i think we might be the same age (maybe same month even!) and i just want you to know you’re not alone. I’m a queer nby person in a homophobic and slightly racist household and as you can imagine with asian parents they’re concerned with test scores and rankings and admission rates a lot. obviously our circumstances are VERY different but i really want you to know that sometimes you might feel like you’re shouting into the void but you’re not. believe it or not, random strangers like myself and the other ppl that replied to this thread are here for you and as abstract as it may sound, we want to support you in any way we can.
and you are DEFINITELY not stupid. grades do not define you !! and your mental health is more important than your grades by miles.
don’t have any answers for the last 2 (I’m trying to figure those out for myself too) but best of luck !! we’re rooting for you <3
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