My Family is Obsessed with Prestige- Help!

Parents Forum
1

Hi everyone,
I’m posting on the Parents Forum since I feel that y’all might be able to understand this situation I’m in.

Out of the 14 (adult) members of my extended family (that I maintain close contact with), 7 have an Ivy degree. Another 5 have a degree from a little ivy (Colgate, Bowdoin, etc.). My parents have Ivy degrees. My older sibling goes to Carnegie. My younger sibling just got accepted into a top boarding school (I am a middle child, a HS Junior, and my older sibling and I went through the public school system).

I’m a little different.

I struggled. I developed an eating disorder a few years ago. I went through treatment for that. Then I came out to my parents as trans a few months ago. They think I’m lying (my primary care physician wants to refer me to treatment, but I need parental consent). My grades have been…well, I got a 3.4 as an underclassmen. I couldn’t focus on learning then. I now have a 3.85 as a junior right now. It’s still hard to focus on my learning. I can’t even take time to prepare for standardized testing- instead, I’m researching medical law and calling relatives so I can get medical treatment that my parents are denying me.

I feel like an idiot. Everyone is laughing at my 3.6. I don’t truly think it represents my academic abilities… I have to study APUSH work while having a mental breakdown over my body.

But…I love learning. When I have time, I’ll read books about religious anthropology, books about mathematical philosophy, books about— I think you get the point.

My parents want me to go to an elite school. They define worth as the school that one goes to. They think that I should go to Tufts or Boston College.

Meanwhile, I think I’ll be lucky to get into Gettysburg.

Parents of College Confidential, I have three questions for you.

  1. Am I stupid? (I mean, realistically? No… but I feel like the dumbest person in my family).

  2. What level of selectivity (of colleges) should I look at/apply to?

  3. Does it get better in life? As far as I know, we only get one life in this universe…the least I could do is enjoy it.

Thank you.

6 Likes
2

Hugs to you. You sound great and for sure you are dealing with a lot.

Do you have a counselor/therapist to help you develop coping strategies to get through the next couple of years?

I will answer your three questions but I think you need more, active help than an anonymous message board.

1- You are not stupid.
2- Try to get rid of the word “level”. It’s like trying to figure out if Rocky Road is a better flavor of ice cream than Pralines and Cream. That’s a waste of time. Don’t worry about “levels”-- worry about what YOU are looking for in your education, tempered with something that’s affordable AND a college which will be as excited to have you as you will be to attend.
3- It gets better. A LOT better.

I think you might tell your parents that you’d like to start seeing a therapist again for your eating disorder, you are afraid of relapsing. Then you can work with that therapist on the issues that have presented themselves since your recovery. Whatever you tell the therapist is confidential.

You’ve got a lot going on. Try to get some outside, objective help. Hugs to you.

21 Likes
3

That’s the key to everything, right there. To answer another question, are you stupid?, most definitely not. You seem to be wise beyond your years. And to answer the question, does it get better, the answer is yes. I think you might have a tougher road than some, but stay on the path that’s true to you, and it will get better. So sorry you are struggling.

Gettysburg is a fine college. Your parents won’t be the ones attending. Go where you will be happy and thrive. Maybe that’s Tufts, which, by the way, you might love, or maybe that’s another school. Maybe you want to keep the peace in the family, so consider a few reaches. But make a list of matches and safeties too.

As a transgendered kid, in general, less conservative colleges are perhaps a better bet for you. Your grades aren’t perfect, but you have some mitigating circumstances that might help explain some of that. I suggest you ask your guidance counselor to mention some of these issues in your letter of rec, but he or she should also mention how you have addressed these issues. The fact that you have brought your grades back up is in your favor.

As for getting medical help, is there a family member who will advocate for you? Or can you talk to your guidance counselor or another trusted adult and ask for advice?

5 Likes
4

@Lindagaf @blossom

Thanks for replying.

I currently have a therapist (thankfully), but even her advocating is not doing much to my parents. She has suggested I wait till I’m 18…but that’s another 14 months.

There are a few family members who are willing to advocate for me…but they aren’t really trying hard. I can’t blame them, why would they want to insert themselves into this mess?

I’m hoping college is a way out of this.

3 Likes
5

You show that you are smart by recognizing the problem; that, in itself is significant intelligence.

Please don’t get wrapped up in their messy ideas.
You are who you are and you should continue to advocate for yourself. Use your school guidance counselor. Will they listen to him/her? A minister?

You will get in where you can, but first, get the help you seek.
It does get better. You will find your support systems. So, right now, please know that your good, lifelong friends are out there and will support you.
Get through these tough hurdles and you will see good times ahead.
Good Luck! Keep us updated!
Please stay safe and healthy in every manner!

5 Likes
6

You seem like a kind, intelligent and thoughtful young person. So I suggest you take care of your health, study what you love, be passionate about something and apply everywhere. Kids are really doing the shotgun this year and a kid with a 3.3 gpa and low stats just got a likely letter from an Ivy after being told she didn’t stand a chance. Everyone has a unique story to tell and the colleges want to build diverse, interesting classes of wonderful kids who love different things and come from different socio-economic backgrounds. So who knows? If you are meant for a college, the universe will deliver. Just be kind to yourself and take care of your health first.

4 Likes
7

Re-define the box.

You are clear on your family’s box, and pretty clear that it may well not be the right box for you.

So if your family equates a brand name college with a good future for the kid & proof that the parents did a good job, then go looking for something that get measured on a different scale. For example, look at unis in places such as Canada, the Netherlands, the UK, and Ireland- places that throw off the typical prestige scale, and let you pick based on what you really want to study. Or, look for colleges that are really strong in something you really care about- but are not one of the usual NE suspects (these can be fun to look for- and if you share what you really love, people here will likely be able to suggest places that are off the radar for the NE-focused).

As a bonus, figuring out what will fit you and applying to places that will be places that you can grow and thrive will get you out of the name-recognition trap also!

And yes, a thousand times yes- college is better than HS and grown up life (even with all the icky bits) is better than college.

3 Likes
8

Life is a long marathon, not a sprint. College admissions do not define you. You have your entire life to define your version of success and happiness.

You are smart. You are ENOUGH.

Ignore rankings. Pick colleges with the right programs and right fit for you.

It does get better!

3 Likes
9

With respect to colleges, consider Skidmore College, Vassar College, Wheaton College (Massachusetts), Sarah Lawrence College, Oberlin College, Reed College in Oregon, New College in Florida, and any which match your interests. College of Charleston might be of interest to you.

It is your life, but probably your parents’ money–so you need to work things out.

2 Likes
10

Thanks again, y’all. @midwestmum @collegemom3717 @Atomicmomma @aunt_bea

@Publisher Thanks for the school suggestions.

If anyone is wondering, I’m an outdoorsy person (I’m finishing my Eagle Scout award at the moment). I like vast campuses, but medium and small campuses are just fine, too! While I am an outdoorsy student, small cities can work (especially if they are near great outdoor opportunities). Enrollment wise, I would ideally like to keep it between 1,000 and 5,000 students. But I can certainly stretch it to 10,000. I will probably major in the social or life sciences. These schools can be outside of New England.

Once again, thanks for all the support. I haven’t gotten much recently…the support really helps.

10 Likes
11

There are schools where you could completely engage intellectually that might also be great fits socially. The list @publisher posted above is a great start. But there are also ones like Earlham and Bard that aren’t on the tips of most people’s tongues.

Hang in there. If you love learning, you’ll excel anywhere. In fact, you may teach all those prestige-obsessed relatives a thing or two!

4 Likes
12

As others said, life is a long term project, so don’t feel rushed on anything. Take time to figure things out, and figure out where you will feel at home. As for colleges, take a look at the College of William & Mary. Great reputation, especially for kids with a lot of diverse liberal arts interests. It’s a beautiful campus in south east Virginia, medium-small in size, and very welcoming. Might make you AND your parents happy.

3 Likes
13

In all honesty, my advice is to pick a school with two features: A, far away from home, and B, has a good mental health system.

It sucks when your parents and family create expectations based on who they are, rather than realizing that you are a different person with different interests.

There are some colleges which are good for a person like you, and have some name recognition: Bucknell, Lafayette, Sarah Lawrence, and Oberlin

However, if you want more outdoorsy places, Lewis and Clark, Whitman College, University of Vermont, or, if you really want to get further, Humboldt State in California, or U Hawaii

2 Likes
14

@schoolstruggles I second this. The further from home you can go and the less you visit home once at school, the better. This can be a great opportunity for you do discover the you you wish to be. It’s sometimes hard for young adults to reach their true version of who they can be if they are constantly around people who constantly remind you of who they want you to be or who they think you are.

As long as you don’t feel extreme homesickness (and I doubt you will) create reasons to remain at school over the winter and spring breaks if the school allows it. Try to find an internship the summer between your freshman and sophomore years, so you won’t have to go home for the summer. If you can’t land an internship, take summer school classes and remain on campus.

As you settling in and enjoying your new life away from family, I don’t think it would be healthy to visit home and be subjected to all the cruel judgements they would toss at you.

Get away and find you.

In addition to this and the other great recommendations, also try Denison, Wooster, Allegheny, American U, Macalester, Knox, Rhodes College, Chapman, Occidental, U of Portland and research as many schools as you can. Some will be more reachy, some will be easier admits for you, but all will offer a great education and living experience for you.

Here’s an example of one school that seems like a good fit for you that might be overlooked if you focus too much on “selectivity.” U of San Francisco has an extremely diverse student body in every aspect. Check out the pics of USF on Princeton Review and tell me if that doesn’t look inviting, and like a great place to spend the next 4 years of your life. Also, at USF, they try to get a minimum of 3 internships for every student. That will keep you on your own and away from home. Here is a quote about the school from a student: "True to San Francisco’s long history as a home for immigrants and trailblazers, at USF, students will find a “very LGBT friendly environment” where it may even be “more normal to be diverse and weird or queer.” "
Check out this video from/about USF https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=98&v=WZfaqKV2eC0&feature=emb_title

I, for one, think your grades are just fine as they are. Sure, improvement is always a good idea. However, I don’t think you need to make yourself feel bad because you currently have a 3.6 and rising. Once you accept that there are many fine schools outside the usual suspect of T40 universities, you don’t need the 4.0 to guarantee a minuscule chance of acceptance.

For many of the schools recommended to you in this thread, a 3.7-3.8 GPA will be just fine and give you a great chance at being admitted. Especially since your family can afford to be full pay. An added bonus is that you might receive various amounts of Merit-aid at these schools which will lower the COA for your parents - which might help them feel better about you not going to a T20 where there would be no merit-aid.

Keep up the good work. Keep your chin up. Keep finding you.

3 Likes
15

@EconPop @gardenstategal @MWolf @kdzmom

Thanks for the suggestions and advice.

What about Connecticut College, Wesleyan, Clark University, St. Lawrence, etc.? Maybe Dickinson and Juniata, too?

5 Likes
16

You’re doing fine.

Most of all, participate in the college search process. Yeah — prospective students find it stressful, and family pressure doesn’t help. But a good search with a broad range of colleges WILL find a school that fits what you want academically and socially. That’s really the purpose of the long drawn-out application process.

I don’t necessarily agree you have to look for a school far from home. My best friend from high school many years ago went to college just 30 minutes from his home. That’s enough distance as he saw his parents at the holidays and usually for a few weeks in the summer. Just getting out from under the roof was what he needed.

All the colleges mentioned in this thread have their fine points, and all of them produce high-quality graduates. I can’t promise a stress-free process . . . In fact, I can almost guarantee that finding a college will be stressful. But you will do well.

2 Likes
17

Yes to Connecticut College, Wesleyan, Skidmore, Juniata, Dickinson, Sarah Lawrence, Whitman, Oberlin, UVM, Lewis and Clark, Bard, Macalester, Vassar and a big yes to Clark University and Reed. Reed is intensely academic, just to make you aware.

2 Likes
18

I immediately thought of Clark, and then Bennington. Great fits, though Bennington is very small. UVM came to mind as well. A public university can also be a great choice.

Check out the Colleges that Change Lives website.

I know a few families like yours, with the total focus on Ivy and little Ivy schools. I think that in time, attending a school outside of their box may be liberating.

Conventional thinking might tie your eating disorder to some of the pressure to be perfect, but that is for you and your therapist to evaluate.

Still, I think it may actually be healthier for you NOT to meet this expectation that your family has, so try to think of the application process as a positive, to find fit.

Europe and Canada might pose problems in terms of seeking medical care or counseling. Insurance issues can be compllcated.

I am sorry you have to wait 14 months. I hope you can find ways to be comfortable in your body until then. I would also look into body dysmorphic disorder: a clinic for that was helpful to a young person I know with eating issues.

19

No personal experience, but those are all good names. To paraphrase, where you go isn’t who you’ll be. I went to a no-name liberal arts college in Wisc, a good (but not top tier) state law school, and had a great career. My husband has a similar story. Our kids chose/are choosing schools where THEY want to go, and since we are paying, we have input but they are making good decisions on their own. If your parents are going to pay, try to talk to them about whether it’s a good investment to go where you may not succeed. Or, work with a guidance counselor find a school that will give you a ton of scholarship money. Lots of smaller, well regarded liberal arts schools give a lot of money. Whatever you do, don’t despair!

1 Like
20

Not to pry, but what state are you in? My teenagers‘ health records are private and I cannot access online without their consent. Certainly, in an emergency I am their guardian, and I schedule their appointments, but most of the annuals include private time for them with the doctor, and I cannot access their online portal without their consent, which in my case they want me to have.

Have you tried reaching out to the Trevor Project, and the Trevor lifeline for referrals?

As far as colleges, there are many that will welcome you with open arms and wrap them around you during the next phase of life’s adventure. Many liberal arts colleges are progressive and are looking for students from all walks of life, especially the higher ranked ones. You might very well be find a prestigious school that satisfies your family while also finding a home for yourself. The world is a different place outside of the prep school bubble. But the skin of that bubble is thin. As a Junior, you have time. Breathe and focus on today and controlling what you can today: your health, academics, extracurriculars, preparing for tests (also what you want to study). Even in the test optional world, a good score could make up for the GPA. Many students consider gap years, especially in these Covid days. How about a PG year? If that’s not an option, move forward with applications and defer if you need.

I agree with the blogger who recommended having your counselor include your challenges (and especially how you overcame them) in their recommendation. And yes, you WILL overcome this.

Given your health concerns, choose a college that has easy and quick access to good hospital care. Also, research on campus housing options.

Read the reviews on other blogs like niche and also the published rankings. Schools that initially come to mind: Wisconsin, Wesleyan, Macalester, Pitzer (very active and outdoorsy), Ithaca, Kenyon, University of Washington, Wash U. I know you want an LAC, but if you get yourself into a smaller program of a larger school, you might be able to find a smaller community and the diverse student body and services you seek.

Keep researching and asking questions. Start doing virtual tours and 1:1 Sessions with existing students now. There are a lot of students at these schools who are available and eager to virtually meet with prospective students. I have found this virtual process during Covid to have had an incredible upside.

Remember, they are not bumps in the road. It is just the road And and it isn’t a race.

3 Likes