<p>Toledo - I wish you and your daughter all the best.</p>
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<p>If that’s the case, I’d have her withdraw completely from her current school TODAY (or tomorrow . . .) From what I’ve read, the chance of her bringing those Fs in her core courses up to Cs is fairly slim. The Cs/Ds she has in those intro to education courses, if she even maintains those grades, will be fairly worthless in terms of transfer credit. I think it’s best to start with a clean slate at the school to which she transfers.</p>
<p>Along the way, if she wants to transfer yet again, or grad school apps, job apps (if they want transcripts) she’ll have a transcript with Ws instead of Fs. I think that looks better. She’ll have to explain . . . but the story of “I was young, unprepared for college”, (not to mention some learning difficulties) is a fairly common one and most schools will ignore it if she does well from now on.</p>
<p>I think you need to have a serious discussion with her about expectations before she starts next semester at the new school. Does she understand what went wrong this semester? Does she have a plan how to make things different next semester? Does she need counseling?</p>
<p>I not only have seen this scenerio many times in my career, I lived it. Flunked out after my freshman year . . . worked for several years, went back newly motivated, and now - a BA, MA, JD, and PhD later - I use that experience to help my students (and their parents) survive it. </p>
<p>Like so much in life, this too shall pass. Good luck!</p>
<p>Missypie’s experience is why anyone that is going to request academic adjustments (accommodations is a term properly used in the employment setting) needs to begin working with the disability office the summer before their student enters into college. And yes, most colleges will require that tests be keyed for an adult.</p>
<p>Toledo…My daughter came home and graduated on the Presidents list of her CC. She was very committed to doing well and she had us as a support system that whole year. This year she is doing it on her own and in fact she is getting ready to move out of the family home with some friends. Things have a way of working out and sometimes kids who are not prepared to be on their own insist on going because all of their friends are going away and they think it is the natural course. This may be the best thing for her because she will have a chance to regroup. Will she be commuting to a CC or living on another campus? I hope she decides to go the CC route and live at home for a while.</p>
<p>My parent’s rule is any class I get lower then a B on the money that paid for that class becomes a loan that I will have to repay.</p>
<p>Toledo - The realist in me finds some agreement with the more harsh observations given on this thread but I understand why you felt you couldn’t say “you can’t go because I don’t think you can handle it”, that’s not a message any parent wants to give to their child. The “back story” there is how you got to those particular college visits in the first place.</p>
<p>The middle ground here is that you may not have been given good information from your school system, or realistic assessments of how much accommodation your daughter was receiving in her earlier school years. I have noticed some professionals working with LD students are overly optimistic in assessing student options when they move on from high school - this makes the parents happy and when the negative outcome happens it doesn’t reflect back on the high school, they have another happy student going off to a private 4 year university who would have been better served by a different school. Parents of students without disability often have difficulty seeing their children in context (I have known parents of very average math students describe their child to me as a “math whiz” for example) so I think it’s even easier for parents of children with accommodations to lose track of how much their child’s course work has been lightened up to meet an IEP. Once you leave the protected world of accommodations you have only experience to recalibrate your perception of what your child can or can’t handle on their own. </p>
<p>My oldest is not an LD student, but when she planned her freshman year she was told by multiple university representatives that her major and minor could easily be combined with the honors program. We told her she had to choose, we did research on the relative value of each option given her goals and she stayed clear of the extra honors work. She is working her fanny off, even without the added honors difficulty, to do well in all her classes given her difficult minor (Chinese language). My work/personal experience gave me insight into the reality of her choices and we therefore knew not to trust “it can be done” with blind faith and optimism - but that isn’t generally the case for most parents, I had insights not open to most parents. You may very well have had overly optimistic advice from your high school; you know your child as your child - not as a student; no one should blame you for wanting the best for your daughter.</p>
<p>I don’t think blaming anyone at this point is productive, I don’t even think there really is “blame” to dish out. Everyone has a perspective limited by their own experience and point of view, you’ve tried option A and it didn’t work. Move on to option B and don’t waste a second on what you might have done. </p>
<p>I don’t think your daughter’s schedule was too heavy for a student intending to graduate in 4 years. She was not in a difficult major, she wasn’t taking science for science majors or engineering classes or calculus. She probably thinks the work isn’t difficult because it all has a common familiarity; she recognizes the terminology but she hasn’t really engaged in the course work. She doesn’t know if doing well is really difficult for her or not because she has just been skimming over the surface of things. This choice (and I’m not sure this is a choice, but may be the best she can do in these circumstances because she isn’t academically prepared) on her part, indicates to me that she is not ready to function at this level. If she is a full time student next semester I would think 12 credits should be her max, even though that will mean graduating in 5 or 6 years and possibly falling below full time if she does need to drop a class along the way.</p>
<p>You now have a much better idea of how much indepence your daughter can handle at this point in her life. You need to make the executive decisions that she is not yet capable or making for herself.</p>
<p>I think the same good judgement that prompted you to follow up on her semester grades and bring her home will continue to guide you as you help her develop the skills she needs to be independent, good luck to you both!</p>
<p>^AlixMRose, does that rule keep you from enrolling in more difficult courses out of concern that you won’t be able to maintain a B? I can see the potential for someone to not challenge themselves if they know they will have to pay for a difficult course where they may get a lower grade. Hopefully your parents will keep this rule a little flexible for that reason.</p>
<p>toledo, I wish you are your daughter the best of luck for the future. Personally, I admire your concern for your daughter and your honesty in discussing it. Kids adapt differently to new situations, such as college, and some adjust quicker than others. For all the talk on this thread about kids needing to take control of their own situations, and letting them handle things on their own, I disagree to a point. Just because a kid goes from the status of high school student to college student does not mean they immediately possess the maturity, self confidence or wisdom on how to handle things without some guidance. Hopefully they seek that guidance from the school administrators on their won but self initiative can evolve differently. We can’t expect our kids to go from being fully dependent on their parents to be fully independent within a few months simply because they are away from home and are now college students. Some students can make that transition quickly while others can’t. Just my 2 cents.</p>
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<p>Over the years, there have been many parents who have wondered on this board whether their child is ready to go away, whether they can handle it, etc etc. It seems like the almost universal advice is “give it a try.” Given my experience, I have tried to warn parents of at risk high school students that they should trust their gut and NOT give it a try but I don’t think I’ve convinced anyone…which makes sense because I don’t think I would have listened to anyone either. If the student feels like she can do it, the overwhelming responsie is to let her try.</p>
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<p>She would be living at home. I’m not positive, as I don’t have all the details yet, but I think it was the “living away” that got her trouble. </p>
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<p>The disability office got her IEP before school started and agreed to let her use it on a “temporary” basis. But, like missypie’s son, she has not been in to the office to ask for the help. I guess it’s hard to ask for help if you know that you haven’t been giving it your best effort, which is what she’s admitting.</p>
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<p>Well count me in from now on. They’ll have two of us to ignore.</p>
<p>I would make sure to investigate the school’s policy for your daughter’s situation. For example, our state flagship has two options for freshman students who are on academic probation at the end of their first semester: 1) they can withdraw from school and be automatic re-admits after one year or 2) they can enroll in second semester; but if they are still on academic probation at the end of that semester, they are out of school and chances for re-admission are slim. </p>
<p>If your daughter loves the school, maybe the way in which she withdraws will have some impact on her ability to return. The local school may turn out to be a perfect fit for her, but maybe with a year or two to mature, she’ll want to go back to where she is currently. If she can leave with the opportunity to come back, it will give her options in the future.</p>
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<p>Three. They ignore Cardinal Fang, too. Again, I don’t blame anyone because as I said, I was Living in the Land of Magical Thinking as well and didn’t want to move.</p>
<p>toledo,
I think that your D’s willingness to come home without a battle is a sign she realizes she was not ready for college + independent living. Personally, I’d take the Ws, get her home and start talking about how to make next semester work at the CC. Have her talk to the CC, get any testing done that’s necessary, and spend the emotional energy on positive steps for her future. It’s early enough in the fall that she can have some good plans for January and maybe a PT job, too.</p>
<p>I’m of the school that wants to keep the conversation going with your young adult and of being a sounding board for ideas and strategies. This can be overwhelming for us as parents – how much more so for the 18 yo! I would also look into some therapy, too, to see if there are underlying issues at play that have little/nothing to do with the LDs. </p>
<p>I feel your pain, believe me.</p>
<p>NOT IGNORING HERE!!!</p>
<p>I listened. And I do mean listened to the various posters on here who struggled with their kiddos about the issue of college far, far away, or any college at all. As a mom of 5, all of whom have graduated high school and most college on to grad schools, I LISTENED to you guys! REALLY!</p>
<p>And a big thank you for that.</p>
<p>Oldest 4 have all gone to college and now grad schools. The youngest also had an IEP from K-12. He watched his older siblings all go to college and just naturally assumed, as did his teachers, he would too. But have listening to the stories for 7+ years on here, my gut told me otherwise.</p>
<p>Northstarmom’s son, Calmom’s son and others all demonstrated and they in very clear detail told of the symptons, reasons and explanations of what happened when their children just weren’t ready.</p>
<p>And most importantly, what they would do differently. </p>
<p>I listened. So instead of youngest son following in his siblings footsteps I cautioned him and his teachers he should wait. Take some time to grow and mature, get a skill/voacation he could fall back on and then after giving it a LOT of thought, then try the CC.</p>
<p>So he is now at culinary school receiving training to become a cook, then transfering to a different school from training to be a chef. First step is 18 months, next step 2 years. He has been making very good progress, is living in a dorm, has been managing his money and his self-confidence is rising.</p>
<p>He has advisors, and CC guidance counselor and they have been discussing what he wants to possible attend college to achieve. He has been able to isolate his strengths and weaknesses, what brings him joy and what will help others. Right now he is leaning to kindergarten teacher with the idea it is goal that could be attainable. But for now he is pleased with his progress in cooking.</p>
<p>I listened, so thanks all.</p>
<p>so very much!!</p>
<p>Kat</p>
<p>“It seems like the almost universal advice is “give it a try.” Given my experience, I have tried to warn parents of at risk high school students that they should trust their gut and NOT give it a try but I don’t think I’ve convinced anyone”</p>
<p>Make it four of us. Parents have fired me for telling them that their kid can get into college, but shouldn’t go. So be it.</p>
<p>Good for katw/kittens!</p>
<p>Hanna - yours is the voice of reason that should be heard but often isn’t because we place a value on higher education in a way that stigmatizes the practical and vocational (even though these are the very things that will make some students happy productive people).</p>
<p>Kat - so glad things are working out for your youngest!</p>
<p>Any parent who would outright tell their kid they "can’t go because I don’t believe you can do it because ________ " is doing their kid a huge disservice. There are exceptions to the norm and there are the occasional success stories which could almost reach Hollywood status. A kid who struggled all through school only to be thrust into a situation where they were on their own and a light bulb went off. They were able to clearly see their path, embrace their independence, handle situations with ease, and mature seemingly overnight.</p>
<p>Hollywood stuff, indeed.</p>
<p>A parent who does not believe a child is ready need only tell them that the timing is not right for it YET. They can convey that they have faith and believe they could do it if they truly understood the magnitude of the endeavor they are undertaking. The problem is the child doesn’t and can’t. They may protest and proclaim they do but there is no possible way they can grapple what they are about to undertake. That is where parents have to be the voice of reason. </p>
<p>I will tell my son that you and I MIGHT be ready (which he won’t be) but the school won’t be ready for you. There is no possible way they can be. There will be no one there to remind you to turn in assignments, to double check your work, to help you when you hit a wall. There will be people who can help on occasion but there is no one full time who can or will do that for you as needed. Because of this there is no way the school can truly accommodate you. THAT makes you not ‘ready’ and them not ready for YOU. When they have a greater understanding of how challenging college and living away from home (which are two distinct young adult milestones lumped together for college students) are then we can talk about moving far from home on my dime.</p>
<p>There are ways to convey to your child their path, while different, will end up in the same spot. The timing and direction of their journey might look different than others but there is no reason why it can’t end up being what they want.</p>
<p>Count me in as another one. They could ignore all of us.</p>
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<p>A kid who is truly ready for independence doesn’t need parental financing. When a young person is age 18+ and has graduated from high school, then parental financial support ought to be contingent on reasonable expectations. That’s just the way things work in life – if instead of relying on parents, the kid has earned a full ride scholarship at their dream school, the school definitely has set fort its expectations (minimum GPA, etc.).</p>
<p>Some of us parents made the mistake of not clearly communicating our expectations in advance … but the point is, attending classes on a regular basis and maintaining a C average is pretty much bare bones. </p>
<p>If we have doubts, then I think its reasonable that before we “let” the student go off to a questionable college (questionable in terms of distance, school reputation for difficulty and/or party school, etc.) – we can set forth appropriate ground rules. I put “let” in quotes because for those of us who are writing 5-figure checks and/or taking on big loans – we aren’t “allowing”, we are “financing”. And in the real world, people who do financing generally set rules. </p>
<p>For example, when I had a lot of consumer debt and got HELOC on my house, the lender said, “very well, we’ll give you this line of credit, but first you have to pay off all that debt” – and they insisted on making the payments to the creditors themselves from the distribution. It’s possible that another borrower with an equal amount of debt, but a better credit history or more income would not have had the same limitations. But the lender looked at me and made its decisions based on their opinion and assessment of my credit worthiness.</p>
<p>Re post #154 – Katwkittens, I just want to really compliment you for having the ability to counsel your younger child wisely when the older 4 were so high achieving. It’s very hard as a parent to get out of the “fairness” trap – the idea that if you gave/allowed kid #1 to do X, then it’s only fair if kid #2 can have the same, and so on. </p>
<p>I was kind of lucky because my older one was the one who was more of a challenge to raise and the one who messed up in college, while the younger one was Little Miss Capable … so extending here the “same” deal as her older sibling had was easy and safe. I think its very difficult the other way around, when the stage has been set by older kids who have handled their responsibilities well – not only because of the temptation to treat each child “equally” but also because it’s easy for parents to be caught off guard when the younger one simply isn’t ready at the same age.</p>