My "Ideal" Essay

<p>So in an attempt to bring stability and consistency to my essay, I found two effective examples that can fit a lot of prompts, and I spent time to create this essay (not under a time limit) so that I can use it for later essay prompts. Depending on the prompt, I can bend the way I write my examples so they can work. Obviously, these examples won't work for all prompts, but they do cover a wide variety of topics. PLEASE PLEASE critique it!!</p>

<p>Prompt: Should heroes be defined as people who say what they think when we ourselves lack the courage to say it?</p>

<p>Many people believe that heroes are those who can articulate ideas that we ourselves cannot articulate. This is a misconception. True heroes not only speak out in courage, but they also take action beyond mere words. History is a prime paragon of this principle.</p>

<p>As demonstrated by Norman Borlaug, genuine heroism takes the form of great deeds. Often called the “man who saved a billion lives,” Borlaug spearheaded the Green Revolution of the 1960s. A master plant pathologist, Borlaug researched as a part of the Rockefeller foundation to develop a high-yield and disease-resistant wheat variety for Mexico. This new wheat variety was capable of nearly quadrupling crop yields. After introducing his innovations to Mexico farmers abroad, however, they were able to foster a sixfold increase in wheat yield by 1963. Borlaug’s heroism in the form of ingenious innovation was exemplified further when he, in 1965, delivered shipments of his wheat seeds to Pakistan and India, countries that suffered from severe hunger problems. The results were phenomenal. In fact, India’s 1968 wheat yield was so plentiful that schools had to temporarily be used as granaries. With hundreds of millions of people starving, Borlaug exhibited qualities of a true hero and continued to fight the global hunger crisis. Even today, his discoveries live on: according to the Rockefeller foundation, half of the world goes to bed after eating wheat that descended from Borlaug’s wheat variety.</p>

<p>Likewise, Jawaharlal Nehru also displays attributes of a true hero. Born in India in 1889, Nehru began his career as a lawyer in England, but ultimately found the profession uninteresting. On a train back to India, Nehru overheard a British general gloating about the Massacre of Amritsar, an incident in which 1500 unarmed Indians were killed and wounded by British soldiers. Thereafter, Nehru, taking a fervent interest in politics and nationalism, rose up to play a key figure in the Indian Independence Movement. While Mohandas Gandhi initiated the cause, Nehru carried it to completion. With dogged determination and indomitable spirit, Nehru persuaded the Indian National Congress to allow himself to draft the Indian Declaration of Independence. Ultimately, Nehru’s persistence in the form of nonviolent protests came to fruition when, in 1947, India gained independence from Britain. Nehru, a man with indefatigable drive, stepped out in courage with incredible heroism to stand up for what he believed in. Had it not been for him, India’s independence may never have been reality.</p>

<p>After careful analysis of history, it is evident that true heroes, indeed, are those who act in bravery beyond mere words. The cliche is true: “Actions speak louder than words.” Heaven knows we need more action today.</p>

<p>Many people believe that heroes are those who can articulate ideas that we ourselves cannot articulate. This is a misconception. True heroes not only speak out in courage, but they also take action beyond mere words. History is a prime paragon of this principle.</p>

<p>Should heroes be defined as people who say what they think when we ourselves lack the courage to say it?</p>

<p>THIS IS AT LEAST AN 10, IF NOT AN 11 OR EVEN A 12 IF YOU’RE LUCKY. AMAZINGLY, THE WORD COUNT FOR YOUR ESSAY IS 440, WHICH IS THE EXACT WORD COUNT I HAD FOR AN ESSAY I GOT A 12 ON IN OCTOBER. I’d post it here, but for some reason, I’ve been warned by the moderators not to post any real essays anymore, either by me or by other students. (I mean, why can everyone else do it but not me???) Something about soliciting business…LOL</p>

<p>Many people believe that heroes are those who can articulate ideas that we ourselves cannot. Such AN ERRONEOUS MISCONCEPTION, HOWEVER, WARRANTS A SERIOUS RE-EVALUTION. (Sounds a bit verbose, but trust me, used this expression quite a few times to get a 12) True heroes ARE NOT ONLY THOSE WHO speak OUT COURAGEOUSLY WHEN THE REPREHENSIBLE COWARDICE OF THE MAJORITY PREVAILS, but ANYONE who TAKES BOLD action beyond mere words DESPITE THE FATAL CONSEQUENCES HE OR SHE MAY SUFFER. History is a prime paragon of this IRREFUTABLE principle.</p>

<p>Your INTRODUCTION and thesis are weak. You have to clearly explain that heroes are not only those who say what they think when we ourselves lack the courage to say it…but does your statement (‘heroes not only speak out in courage’ reword this sentiment precisely and accurately correlate to this question?) You could argue otherwise, but trust me…a lot of students who think themselves good writers but are gravely disappointed when they get a 9 or 10 will find that the bane of their essays is always the thesis…I’ve analyzed many 12 essays and there are two things that stand out: YOU GOTTA THROW IN SOME FANCY-SOUNDING SAT VOCABULARIES (IN THEIR RIGHT CONTEXT OF COURSE) and YOUR THESIS HAS TO BE STATED EXPLICITLY AND CLEARLY RELATED TO THE PROMPT WITH TWO SUPPORTING REASONS IF POSSIBLE …also shorten the bodies a bit and write a longer introduction for a 12 …</p>

<p>Hey donnykim! Thank you very much for your helpful critique. I appreciate it! So I have to really throw in some flourishes here and there in the introduction and thesis, as well as making the thesis clearer. Got it. Any thing else anyone? And how is my conclusion?</p>