I’m a senior in high school right now and I’ve finally finished applying to schools. Amongst them, is a school in Ohio that is my first choice. When I got accepted, I was obviously very happy! However my mom wasn’t. She then told me that she wouldn’t allow me to go to college there because it was too far. She’s known I’ve wanted to go there since I was a freshman and knew when I sent out the application. Money isn’t the issue and even if it was, it’s much cheaper than the two schools my siblings go to combined? I don’t understand why she would say that? Can someone please help me convince her?
Just because you’ve wanted to go for a long time doesn’t mean she is obligated to say yes, especially if she is paying.
Do you have affordable schools that offer your major besides this one? Why are you confident this isn’t a financial issue? I’m guessing she may have reasons that we aren’t aware of.
You could ask if she will go with you to accepted student days at this school and your 1-2 other best options before making a decision.
Some more context may help. (It is possible that distance is not the real reason for her belatedly stated objection.)
What college does she want you to attend?
How do the distances compare between your desired college, the college she wants you to attend, and the colleges your siblings attend?
How do the costs compare between your desired college, the college she wants you to attend, and the colleges your siblings attend?
Cost isn’t a problem because before my grandfather passed, he sent up accounts for me and my siblings as a college fund. I’ve been accepted into Tiffin and I’ve already received 20,000 in scholarships per year so I’d only have to pay 15,000 out of pocket which is covered in the fund. Both my siblings are still paying off loans because they didn’t apply for scholarships and they’ve been out of college for nearly 8 years or more. My family is moving to Minnesota after I graduate this year but Ohio isn’t that far away in the long run. One of my siblings went to school in Texas so it’s unfair that she won’t allow me to go to school 3 states away.
She had no reason beyond distance when I asked her. I’ve never gotten in trouble and rarely even ask her for anything. I’m more independent then my 30-something year old siblings and have proven to be responsible. She wants me to go to community college but she won’t share why
Unfortunately we don’t get to choose our family, and even if we did, we’d probably make mistakes there too.
No one on the outside can know for sure, but it sounds like your family has at least one dysfunctional parent–probably the only one involved.
Fortunately you had a decent grandpa, and the smarts to navigate this for yourself. But the $15,000 loan in the shortfall may be a difficult burden for you, eventually.
Would that be a $60,000 debt after graduation? That’s quite a burden for a young person starting out. It could be mom is worried about that, but in a not very organized, useful way.
Be glad you’re more organized than the rest of your family. Do you have organized, moral people in your life who could offer you a room in their home nearby?
–I’m just thinking community college may not be such a bad idea–better than debt–but would like to see you get out of a situation that doesn’t sound good.
It’s not that your mother is not rich, it’s that the family may be in a habit of expecting you to be the only “adult.” Doesn’t sound like an environment where the kids are thriving. That may be another type of burden for you.
Do you need her to sign forms for you to get to college and she hasn’t?
I hear you and sympathize utterly. Will continue to think the matter over.
It depends on how your grandfather set up that account for you. If it’s in your name as of the date you turn 18, your mother may not have a say on how you spend that money. My father, bless him, did something similar and I’m hoping against hope my kid doesn’t figure this out, skip college entirely and use the money to move to Hollywood. Some research may be in order.
If you’re the youngest and the most responsible kid, she may be getting intense empty nest syndrome. If this is the case, you’ve got to help her find purpose once you leave. Or she may be looking forward to your process of convincing her.
You don’t have to make an official decision until May. Let her have time, let her know that she’ll still be in your heart even if you’re far away. It’s tough for momma birds to lose their last chick.
It’s not fair but “empty nest syndrome” is a real thing for many parents. You are the last one out of the house and she doesn’t want you to go far. Keep pressing her on it and come up with good ways to keep in touch.
“Mom, I’m only as far as the phone”. Text her now on a regular basis even if you’re just in the yard to establish that fact. (I know you can’t constantly text in college but an occasional “doin’ fine” works wonders.)
If she has better reasons for you not to go she needs to tell you. To get in a school you want to attend and go debt free is important. Hopefully she comes around.
Could your mom be worried about how you will adjust to living so far away? My DD is an introvert who in general needs more emotional support (time talking & hanging out with me - not anything major) than her older brother. I have no reservations sending DS to a far away school. I would prefer if DD stayed a car-ride away. However, I recognize that denying attendance based on distance alone would be unfair. I have asked her to consider how easy it would be to get to and from each school and how that would impact her. So it may not be a major issue if she chooses a school that is a short plane ride away to a major hub, but if you have to take two different legs and then drive to the middle of nowhere, that would affect how often she could come home. Do some research on travel expenses and the time required to travel to and from the school. It may help to show your mom that you can come home or she that could come to see you.
You need to sell the school to her. Do not use the reason it is unfair, etc. Make a list of pros and cons and how you will benefit from attending this school. Do your research and single out things like internships, great professors, the incredible dept with your intended major, job placement after graduation, etc. Good luck.
I would enlist the help of your siblings or an aunt or someone your mom trusts and have them talk to her.
An issue is that community college in whatever state you live in whereas your family is in another state, will mean cc will consider you OOS and costs will be huge.
And you cannot attend a public college in Minnesota till your parents have lived there for 12 months (unless you pay OOS costs). The exceptions are stCloud State, Umn Morris, and another state University (forgot which one).
So, from a value standpoint, attending a private college is a better value unless you are admitted to one of these three.
Why Tiffin though? It’s a small, second tier college. I don’t think it’s got anything special - so, convince me. 
Finally, what are your stats? There are lots of nice colleges similar to Tiffin in MN or nearby. So there may be a compromise between Tiffin and cc.
" I’ve been accepted into Tiffin and I’ve already received 20,000 in scholarships per year so I’d only have to pay 15,000 out of pocket which is covered in the fund."
You need the details about the money your grandfather left you. If you will be able to access it without any assistance from your mother, and the account can cover the costs of four years of education, it looks to me like you don’t need your mom’s permission to do anything. However, you might need to have a plan for how you will spend your school vacations, how you will pay for transportation and personal expenses, and how you will cover your health insurance if your mom moves to a different state and cuts you off of hers.
@BMtheAlien Could we get some more details before judging your mom?
Do you (or have you had) any physical conditions–Type 1 Diabetes, epilepsy, asthma, etc.? How about mental issues with overwhelming stress meltdowns, anxiety, depression? If so, how have you handled these conditions? Have you fought your mom about taking your meds consistently, not willing to see a therapist, engaging in risky behaviors that are known to affect your condition (eating foods that affect your condition, not getting enough rest/sleep, etc.)??
A mom knows the personality of her child, and she could have wisdom gleaned from parenting you for your entire lifetime. Yes, this could just be empty nest fears talking, but it could also be that she has seen how you handled separations, summer camp homesickness, introverted isolation, etc.
Your best bet is to get off of this forum and find the courage to have an honest conversation with her. Great advice that I read on this forum somewhere was to sit with her and JUST LISTEN and not respond or defend anything. Be sure to write down EVERY point she makes. Thank her for sharing her concerns, read them back to her, make sure she has verbalized every possible concern. Then, ask her for a time to follow up on this conversation in a few days. You would then have a real list of concerns that you could think through. Are there some valid points she makes? If you need HER to nag you to take your medications every single day, how can you expect her to jump for joy.
Once you know her true and honest concerns, take them point by point and honestly search yourself. Is there any truth AT ALL in each point? If so, how can you make changes to alleviate her concerns? You still have a couple of months to make changes to how you handle yourself around her. Work to become independent, step up and volunteer to do chores around the house, take your meds/take care of your mind and body/get exercise if you are not doing that now, etc.
Take the advice here, also. Research how you will travel from new home to college and back. What are the costs of that? Can travel expenses be reimbursed by your grandfather’s money? And do find out if you can access his funds without your mom’s permission.
Is your father still married to your mom? Is he a part of your life? Sometimes a spouse can help their spouse reason through a situation full of emotion.
Be sure to research lots of other options. If your mom says live at home, go to community college, you may have to offer her other, less distant options. At least apply to colleges that are only one or two hours car ride from your new home. Your best bet is to have multiple options available while you still campaign for the Ohio school.
If mom and dad are paying, you have it much better than me. If you still want to go to your dream school, see if you can get a scholarship on your own. If not, seriously…they’re paying for it! In the end the school won’t matter much. It’s the degree and the major.
Reasons Parents May not want their kids to go to college far away from home:
- Travel Costs
- Distance to drive to pick kid up
- Kid may need more support/assitance (e.g., medical, mental health issues)
- Cost of College
- Parent no longer has control of child
- Child won’t come home as much
- Travel inconvenience (have to arrange air flights, cancellations due to snow)
- Child may end up living in state where college is
- Parent misses child/empty nest syndrome
Also she may not want you to attend this particular school but is using distance as an excuse.
So if your mom is a typical mom, I would suggest that you talk to her. Ask what the real issue is.
If it is that she doesn’t want to drive 5 hours to pick you up for holidays, then find other ways to get back home.
If your mom is toxic/personality disordered, then do whatever you can do go where you want and gain independence.
Like others say, find out who has control of the college funds. if you think something is fishy, perhaps legal help might be good.
What state are you living in now? Do you have other students in your class that will be attending the Ohio school?
What is it about this school that you like? Size, your major, location in a big city or NOT in a big city? What other schools have you applied to?
What eventual job/career do you see yourself in? Any clue where in the country you would want to eventually live?
Why is your family moving to Minnesota? For a job? Are there any relatives that live near your new home?
Have you even visited Tiffin? Or did you just get it in your head years ago? I’ve never heard of it. How do you know it is a school that you like in person? Marketing materials are one thing, but actually being there is different.
OP mentioned getting (yearly) $20,000 in scholarships and $15,000 from grandfather, and a college that costs about $35,000 per year. So the parental contribution should be minimal (maybe travel costs) if any (OP could work and use the work earnings for that).
Of course, a separate issue is, why Tiffin for a dream school?
I have a couple friends from Chicago whom my mom knows well who are all going to Tiffin. I vistee with my mom and when we were there, she didn’t mind it. I’m just confused as to why she would let me visit schools that she knew she would allow me to go to? I’m originally from Maine and my mom sprung this move to Minnesota on me after I’d begun applying to colleges. She knew where I was applying to and never said anything. Tiffin has this great environment and everyone there was super nice. When I stepped foot on the campus, I knew I’d found my dream college. I’ve looked into schools in Minnesota and Wisconsin but never found any that I really liked.
I’m not a problem child, nor have I ever had to see anyone for any issues I have. I don’t take any medication and I’m healthy as a horse. I play ice hockey and run cross country and have always kept up with school work, etc. I turn 18 next month and I can access the account the minute I do. If I use the 15,000 per year from the account, I’d still have money left over, so money isn’t really a concern. Before my grandfather passed, he told me about the account and everything I needed to know because he knew my mom would never tell me on her own. I’ve never asked her to drive anywhere for the holidays or anything. I plan on driving to MN to see my family and I bought my own car in September.