My roommate became gay (but that turned to be the least of my problems)

Student Lounge College Life
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<p>I was commenting on one of the * "I'm gay / how do I tell my roommate" * and I'm thinking my problems with gay roommates could be interesting. It will be a long post...</p>

<p>* [Full disclosure: I'm straight, not homophobic but strongly against the enfranchisement of "gays" (os lesbians, or whatever) as a category with particular rights deriving from one's sexual prefferences, regardless of what they might be. I'm not an American citizen. I believe people should be free to have sex and establish civil parternships with whom they want, but marriage should be a strictly heterossexual mutual-exclusive arrangement no matter what :) ] *</p>

<p>We used to live on an apartment-like arrangement, off campus, with 4 other guys. The one who sared a bedroom with me happened to became one of my best friends, we went to parties together, took a lot of classes together, travelled on the break together with other ppl and so on. He was pretty cool, and as roommate, the one I had nothing to complain about. I used to gave him rides everyday to University, as he didn't have a car. We used to do groceries together, and I usually gave him rides to his hometown (400 miles away) when I was driving further north to a city I visited often.</p>

<p>Later, he went into an exchange problem far away, for a semester. When he came back at the beggining of next semester, he was different, not willing to talk past the "hi there / can you give me a ride / have we paid the cable bill". He stopped going out with us (I'm not the heavy-party type, but aprreciate a Friday night out with friends) altogether and was progressive recluse in his own room (we were living then each one in one bedroom).</p>

<p>We both used to be high-ranked students (I ended up finishing as first of my class), but his grade-effort approach changed from the previous "I'll try my best" to "I want to safely pass and that's fine, college sucks". He started sitting alone on classrooms, isolated.</p>

<p>One day he invited a friend from other city to stay at our apartment. It was ok, everyone could bring ppl to our own rooms, but he took a very unusual and hard effort to clean over the place, decorate his room, buy fine food and so on. His room was like an hotel room when the other subject came. By the time, he didn't have any date we knew about in last months, but it was his life. And I didn't suspect anything, as he was an ok guy, had have girlfriends and dates in the past and appeared to be a normal, straight, no freak heterossexual roommate.</p>

<p>Cutting history short, he had become gay, and invited his partner to our apartment. Meanwhile, someone at college figured it out, took some pictures of them at a local mall, hacked my email account and used it to send the material to hundreds of people through my email account. In the process, the hacker or his/her fellow also used my e-mails to spread gossips about other girls taking the same Major classes, claimed to have more "graphic material" he would spread out if I didn't apologize to a club which I complained about on freshman year due to hazing threats (I refused to participate in the freshman's general hazing, the guys threatened to hit my car and called me to "watch out" while walking in the campus, I called the Dean office and club guys get noticed).</p>

<p>The situation went from bad to worse when long-stading two close female friends asked me to complain with the blackmailer demands in order to protec their privacy, as they were fearing that dirt from freshman drunk stupid parties could come from their past to be posted online on the internet forever. I refused to comply, lost the two friends who then said that * "you would have been the one who had pretended to had have your own email hacked because you might be the one who is gay and is interested in your roommate"*. </p>

<p>Campus IT security was called in, but they couldn't figure out who had hacked my email, as it was done through password stolen from a open door I left on my smartphone which had the email's password stored as a file in the "Bluetooth transfer folder". We never knew who hacked my account. It should be noted that the hacker and/or his fellow not only posted material regarding ousting roommate's new gay life, but also went through my archive and posted out very private messages I had exchanged with dates, friends, parents and even my doctor. Fortunately, I had changed my Facebook password days before.</p>

<p>The worst part is that even after this initial facts, I went out to loudly defend my roommate, caliming that my account had been hacked and that those messages were bogus and products of a sick mind with tons of free time in senior year to stage such an odious campaing.</p>

<p>Later, when it was proved that the claims the blackmailer did were partly true (that my roommate was behaving as gay and having romantic encounters in my own aparmtment during breaks while I was travelling around), I was totally pi--ed off, I had standed out defending him from an apparent defamation campaing and he didn't care to tell me the truth. I was such an a-hole not believing in the evidence (lack of dates, reclusive, setting up a room from a "friend" who would visit him, close proximity of him and his friend in the couch watching TV...).</p>

<p>He was ashamed (for a reason!), and moved out to live alone in a hurry, he couldn't even dare to speak to me (and I hadn't yelled at him or doing nothing else than saying how much disappointed and sad I was that he let me claiminng the blackmail was false when he knew all the time (it was his life!) it was all true). No mercy for doing that, friendship is over, I regret to have ever meet him, and I'm and a-hole for hadn't got it before.</p>

<p>At least, he ended up almost alone, finishing his degree in kind of social disgrace, expect for some sympathetic girls (my two ex-friends who asked my to comply with the blackmailer). His family is utterly conservative, he would have a harsh time if they find out (I was tempted to forward all the materials to them - I've met his parents before and had stayed in his home before -), but I resisted, it would be hust vengeace. AFAIK, he stopped seeing his gay-lover and is now in a kind of assexual approach, afraid of any new relationship besides friendships. His family (to which he used to be VERY close and had tons of affection) got distant.</p>

<p>Let's make it clear: problem was not he becoming gay, but letting me and others defend him from the blackmail attemps when the content was eventually proven 100% true.</p>

<p>** CONCLUSION: roommates who change their sexual orientation during college can ruin your life and cause you tons of problems - beware. **</p>

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<p>I won’t bother mentioning that I believe you can’t change your sexuality, since people will argue, and that’s not the point.</p>

<p>The point is: “Roommates who suddenly become weird and reclusive and have their personal lives invaded by hackers can ruin your life and cause you tons of problems.”</p>

<p>So, had he simple “become gay,” dated a nice boy, and carried on as usual, would you college career have been ruined? Your logic is sort of implying his being gay is the root of his personality change and sudden stupidity. You know, I once had a straight friend who started dating someone and became an awful person. Ergo, friends who are straight ruined my life, and all straight people are morons.</p>

<p>It’s one person; that doesn’t mean all gay roommates are going to ruin your life.</p>

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<p>If things had kept on business as usual, no, my college life would have remained unchanged. Problem is straight roommates who become gay while abroad (who knows why?) and in the process attract sick people to spy on them, hack other’s accounts and blackmail them.</p>

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<p>Okay, yeah, I’ll toast to that! Remind me to change my password often!</p>

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<p>None of this is your roommate’s fault.</p>

<p>Why would you blame him?</p>

<p>It appears to be the hackers who are at fault here.</p>

<p>I am going to alert the moderator to this post, since it appears to be homophobic (despite your assertions that it is not).</p>

<p>First of all, it is not your roommate’s fault that these people hacked your account. As far as I can see he was not friends or even familiar with them. Do you even know that he knew who they were? Whether he did know them or did not, he is as much a victim of their scheme as you. I am sure he was not thrilled to have his orientation blasted out for the world to see, especially if he newly accepted that he was gay.</p>

<p>Secondly, your roommate had every right to not disclose the fact that he was gay. Since he appeared newly aware of his sexual orientation, and even seemed to have a hard time accepting it/coming out (hence his withdrawal and seeming depression), as his friend you should have been much more understanding of his situation. It didn’t hurt you to defend his reputation as long as you didn’t know. However HE must have felt there would be an adverse reaction to his coming out (not too surprising since you have some conservative views about gay people, relative to a gay person’s views, though it probably wasn’t just about you, but about all of his friends and family - the latter of whom became distant, did they not?). </p>

<p>He still deserved defense from the blackmailers. Obviously he wasn’t ready to be out. It is sad that you would have stooped to the blackmailers’ level, and forced him to air his private life.</p>

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<p>Exactly your roommate didn’t have to tell you anything in regards to his orientation and if it was true or not. Who cares if he was gay it still doesn’t make it right to be black mailed the same goes for anyone of any orientation. Also why would it matter if he had guys over to the apartment when you weren’t there it was just as much his apartment as it was yours. Your roommate is not at fault for what occurred because the same thing could have happened to anyone straight or gay.</p>

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<p>As other posters have mentioned, your roommate was a victim as much as you. If he went out of his way to keep him being gay from you and the others, it’s clear that he didn’t want it to be spread out to everyone. It’s not like he asked to be spied on, because he was gay. That’s the problem of the stalker/hacker.</p>

<p>You’re ****ed off that your friend didn’t tell you that he was gay while you defended. Your actions are noble, but did you sit down with him beforehand and ask him if these photos were true? That you would support him either way? It seems you were sickened by even the idea that your roommate, who you had trusted as a friend, could be gay, and simply assumed that he was straight in the first place. Sexual orientation can be a highly private and personal topic, and I’m sickened that you would stoop down to the blackmailer’s level by thinking of telling his parents of his homosexuality. That is his business and it’s up to him to determine when the right time is. Yes, what the hacker did to you was horrible and disgusting, but what you would have done could have possibly ruined your roommate’s life and relationship with his family forever.</p>

<p>You open your post saying you’re not homophobic. However, it’s clear with you correlating normal with heterosexuality, offended enough by your two ex-friend’s immature comments to mention them, and seeming to think him ending up alone, finishing his degree in “social disgrace”, and being distanced by family to be appropriate repercussions for turning “gay”, that you are homophobic. Don’t blame your roommate for what the hacker did to you, and truly think about what effects your actions could have had.</p>

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<p>Dude, you can’t change your sexual orientation like that.</p>

<p>He is gay because he was born gay. I DON’T BELIEVE THIS </p>

<p>[/sarcasm]</p>

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<p>I feel really sorry for your roommate. He has a bigoted family and stayed in the closet, built a persona, etc. When he went overseas, he sucessfuly stepped out and tried to do the same thing here. Unfortunately, the hacker and the people who he thought were friends ruined it.</p>

<p>

Yeah, not homophobic at all.</p>

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<p>Just the title really bothers me. </p>

<p>“My roommate became gay…”</p>

<p>People really just don’t “become” gay. He might have discovered it later, but he didn’t just wake up one morning and realize he liked men.</p>

<p>“(but that turned to be the least of my problems)”
Why in the world would that be your problem in the first place?</p>

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<p>Well, we might have a disagreement here. The post was way too long to add more details, but immediately after the hijacking begun, I talked to him, at my house, and told him that I’d take actions, escalate it to involve campus IT and so on, but since the things the hacker/saltker (as I thought then) composed and forged about him (photos, etc) were way more serious and could have far more social consequences for him than one said about me, I choosed to inform him that I’d drop the case if that would make things better. He silenced, never talked to me again.</p>

<p>My angre is, also, due to the fact that when we started being on defense (as supposed pics. and report of his whereabouts started popping out in a matter of days), as soon as he left the apartment he started public agreeing with the version that I had ‘self-hijacked’ my email because I would be the gay interested in him! That was completely disgusting.</p>

<p>One of my ex-female friend I mentioned later came to intervene in their behalf (ex-roommate and ex-friends), claiming that I should de understanding of my roommate’s reaction (** “you hijacked your account by yourself because you’re the gay one” **") as a panic moment when he didn’t have any support beside a lover who lived and worked 200 mile away.</p>

<p>The uttermost question is: he was caught off guard in a very private matter, let me defend him public and seemed to appreciate it, and then, cowardly, claimed to our friends, classmates, major-mates and his family (I endend being close friend of one of his sibilings) that I had PRETENDED to have my account hijacked because I’d have some interest in him and pretendind a hacking attack would provide me the best excuse to attack rentlessly everyone I wanted.</p>

<p>That was nasty, and I never forgave him for doing that. My reaction was so intense not because he was gay, but because he tried to throw the hand-granade (the responsibilit for the hacking) in my hands so he could get off the hook of accepting the consequences of a third-party act (saltking/hacking).</p>

<p>The version took on for one week or so, then I stroke back, and in writing, claiming to all our common friends and acquatiances who had received the hacker message (I didn’t send anything to the family after all) that his actions (focus: he blaming me with auto-hacking) were extremely disgusting, a betrayal of friendship and a coward atitude.</p>

<p>Slowly, his version fell off, and he retreated completely, because it was not the truth and couldn’t stand long his accusations. He was completely ashamed to talk to almost everyone, because majority of my classmates sided with me and stop displaying anything more than basic social etiquette in regard of him.</p>

<p>One of my ex-female friends later came apologizing, telling that she was confused for having all of a sudden her sex freshman adventures coming out, and was misguided by the heat of the moment. I forgave her and we’re in good terms again, though living in different places now. But in regard of my roommate, no excuse for what he’s done.</p>

<p>FYI: I wouldn’t dump him if the question was he turning himself gay. I wouldn’t feel comfortable to share the same room (which was not the case at the time of the events described), but everything else would be ok. But once he changed his sexual option, he should bear the unnintented consequences of a, say, saltking.</p>

<p>FYI-II: the title might be a little misguiding, but I don’t know whether I can change it to something better describing the situation.</p>

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<p>This thread is right up there with that guy who took advantage of a 50 year old man for free rent. You’re a horrible person, europegrad.</p>

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<p>Are you serious? How is it your roommate’s fault? He “attracted” sick people to spy on him the way a girl “attracts” her rapist with her behaviour. Did the hacker also hack into other peoples’ emails if they had gay friends/roommates? Or were they not “attractive” enough for them. What about the two girls that were friends of yours? Did they “attract” this hacking with their sexual behaviour as well?</p>

<p>Face it - you were the problem. They only hacked into your email because you told on them, and they wanted revenge, period. If your roommate hadn’t been gay, they would have posted pictures of the girls, found more pictures of your friends, etc. </p>

<p>Why did he have to tell you? Have you ever stopped to think that your friend - who was coming from a very conservative background - was having trouble accepting this new identity? That maybe it agonized him to have to hide this secret from his family and friends… in fear that they would exactly as YOU did. Why should he have told you? Seeing your reaction to his homosexuality, I understand why he didn’t. And why would you have to stop defending him if it was true? You only defended him because you thought he was straight, but the minute you learned that wasn’t the truth, you got mad at HIM instead of the hacker, and completely abandoned him! You should have gotten mad at the hacker, not him. Who cares if he is gay? Does that give the guy the right to humiliate him? You should have realized that it was the hacker who had the problem by being so homophobic, NOT your roommate. </p>

<p>You are placing the blame on the wrong person. You are using him as a scapegoat because of the fact that he is gay. You didn’t suck up your ego defend the girls you were friends with - who were completely not at fault. Why would he tell your the truth when he knew you wouldn’t defend him, either? And the most bizarre thing is that you blame this whole thing on him: losing your friends, the hacking, the blackmailing, and losing your “dignity” by defending him. What the hell? So this would have happened anyway if you hadn’t told on the club, and refused to just apologize for the sake of your friends? I would understand you choosing not to apologize because you believe that you did nothing wrong IF the hacker was blackmailing you with your OWN dirty laundry. But your friends had nothing to do with this, and if all it would take to stop the blackmailer was to muster up a little apology, then you should have done it if you were really such a “good” friend.</p>

<p>Sure, your email was hacked, how did you suffer? You were embarrassed - and wrongly - for defending a gay friend. How did he suffer? As you said, he lived in “social disgrace” the rest of his year, lost all his friends, his boyfriend, and his family. Yet you believe that you are the one who should we should pity. Unbelievable.</p>

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<p>Dissonance, please, read the clarificaitons I wrote above on the second respose: he is not at fault for attracking a saltker. In this sense, he is as much as a victim as me.</p>

<p>He is at fault for blaming me for a supposed auto-hijacking and letting me public stand out in his defense just to turn acusing me later when thing got ugly.</p>

<p>We never figured out whom the stalker/hacker was. I don’t think he knew the stalkers more than me, it must have been someone of our larger circle of classmates, but we never caught the guy/girl.</p>

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<p>WOW…Just wow…</p>

<p>I knew people had problems but…Wow…I didn’t know people had PROBLEMS…</p>

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<p>

</p>

<p>Some people just don’t get it.</p>

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<p>“They only hacked into your email because you told on them, and they wanted revenge, period”</p>

<p>“You didn’t suck up your ego defend the girls you were friends with - who were completely not at fault”</p>

<p>So… two athletic club guys, known for getting in trouble (sometimes the kind of trouble that involves police and/or E.R.), threaten me and aks me (a guy who could not honestly withstand a phisical fight with them) to “watch out” and “be careful” because I refused to be hazed. What was I supposed to do as freshman? Just wait and see? What if my car was broken, what if I was battered or worse?</p>

<p>Sorry, going to the Dean was the only reasonable measure. And I didn’t owe any apologizing for that. The club jerks were wrong, and messed up with the wrong freshman. Later, it was so funny: one of them transfer to an easier college, the other did not graduate yet, even if he was two classes older than me.</p>

<p>For the reason I’m angry, please read the second post in which I clarify that I was angry because he public blamed me for the situation as If I had hijacked my own account… For this he kinda deserved being in social disgrace.</p>

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<p>HAVE YOU NO SHAME OR SYMPATHY? Of course, he wouldn’t feel comfortable talking to you about his sexual orientation with a personality like yours! You hate gays for no reason and think it’s “nasty.” He had no choice who is he attracted to. “My roommate became gay” - LOL. Did you choose to be straight? </p>

<p>And when he was just starting to get more comfortable with his own sexuality, “someone” you know hacks your account and publicly embarrasses YOU? HE was the one who was outed to hundreds of people, especially in an town where people are as close-minded as you. You don’t even care what happened to him anymore. Some friend. Think about someone else but yourself, just once.</p>

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<p>If he used do date, hook up, flirt and have consisten long-term involvement with woman, with nothing showing the opposite, then he travels and comes back with a relationship with man, and AFAIK now is asseuxal (as a close common friend defined it), I can only think about someone changing preferences. If he was born gay, he would not have date, engaged and disangaged women in his life in a consisten and permanent way.</p>

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<p>Well, I’m sorry if I might have thought that was the problem, since earlier you posted that the “problem is straight roommates who become gay while abroad (who knows why?) and in the process attract sick people to spy on them…” I feel like you are changing the story (or your attitude) a bit after seeing peoples’ responses. Especially since in your new post, you said “But once he changed his sexual option, he should bear the unnintented consequences of a, say, saltking.”</p>

<p>Right. If you’re gay, you deserve to be stalked. Makes total sense.</p>