<p>If my RA told me there was an open room that I could move into, I would grab the nearest box I could and skip off. I never thought it would be like this, but the mere presence of my roommate makes my skin crawl. </p>
<p>It's the most minuscule things that makes me want to bang my head against the wall so I don't say something that I really shouldn't. When she walks in, my mood automatically goes south. I'm cordial with her but I feel she thinks we're besties or something just because we're sharing a room. I feel as if I'm being fake while we small talk when, in actuality, I wouldn't mind her moving back home leaving myself roommate-less. </p>
<p>Anybody know any coping techniques for dealing with people that get under your skin?</p>
<p>No offense but it sounds like you’re the one with the problem. The roommate is at least making an effort. To answer your question, don’t be so sensitive and make a better effort of it.</p>
<p>I honestly don’t see the problem with a roommate that thinks or wants to be “besties” with you. It’s the ones that scowl at you from the first time you lay eyes on them that you have to watch out for.</p>
<p>Learn some tact and put up with the small talk, jesus. That’s how people make connections with other human beings. It’s Basic Human Interaction 101. Good luck in the real world if you can’t handle that.</p>
<p>I realized I didn’t mention any of the events that contributed to my frayed nerves. </p>
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<p>I feel much of my frustration is because I don’t speak up. I don’t want to come off as angry and annoyed as I really am. This is why I feel it would be fake to chat with her and act like everything is alright when in reality I’m aggravated and annoyed by her comfortableness and lack of respect. </p>
<p>I plan on speaking with her, but my hall is in a stand still for about a week. This is why I need some coping techniques so I can keep my head on straight until this can be resolved.</p>
<p>Okay, so you guys didn’t lay down any ground rules and she didn’t know about the ones you had in your head. Well, duh she wouldn’t know (although she doesn’t seem to have too much respect for personal property).</p>
<p>So here’s what you do: take a deep breath, and think about what you’re going to say to her. Start with something like, “Hey, Roommate, I know that you just got here but I think we should talk about ground rules and stuff like that.” Tell her that you didn’t appreciate that she touched your things without your permission, and that from now on none of that will happen. Figure out who can put what where, and what’s off-limits. If she doesn’t seem like she cares, give her time. Let her give input about the room layout and any other things you need to discuss (i.e. guests, etc.) If you find her moving your stuff around again or being blatantly disrespectful after you’ve talked, then it’s time to talk to an RA.</p>
<p>And in the meantime, just be nice. Kill them with kindness. Or at least, smile and respond when she talks to you. If you act friendly this all could just be swept under the rug or at least, be a lot bearable than it is now. Now’s a good time to learn to speak up, keep your emotions in check, and let stuff go.</p>
<p>People have different ideas of what is or is not appropriate when dealing with a roommate. I’ve known people who had the same experiences as you with roommates, and I’ve lived in apartments with people like your roommate. You need to lay ground rules now. Don’t wait until you boil over the edge, don’t wait until it feels right, just talk to her about it. Be nice and polite, but be direct. She may have interpreted you guys talking about bringing things to share, as an invitation to share. She can’t read your mind. If you’re not okay with it, talk to her directly about it. If she continues to use your things without your permission anyway, go to the RA about it.</p>
<p>You’re right. You’re frustrated because you aren’t saying anything. That’s not her fault. That’s yours. The only way you’re going to feel better about it is if you say something about it.</p>
<p>I had a roommate that was about as disrespectful as yours (just in different ways) and was also really rude to both me and my other roommate after the first few weeks. Like, if we tried to say anything to her she’d look us in the eye, give us a nasty glare, then turn around and leave. Let me just say: Don’t be that roommate.</p>
<p>You definitely need to establish some ground rules, but as dancegrl said do it politely and calmly. Genuinely listen to what she has to say, and make sure you get your opinion out there. Compromise. If after that talk she’s going against the ground rules you two have agreed on, that’s when you go to an RA. </p>
<p>Depending on your school, you might eventually have a roommate agreement that you need to fill out while an RA is present – that’s how it is at mine. This was during the third week for us. Even if you don’t have an actual “official” form for a roommate agreement, I would put whatever ground rules you make in writing and have both of you sign and date it. Have a copy for each of you. That way a hard copy is there for reference, plus if you do eventually need to go to an RA you have that as proof of what you and her agreed to.</p>
<p>I totally get what you’re going through. My roommate actually had out-of-state friends sleep on my bed when I was gone for a weekend! Her friends were always sitting on my desk chair and on my bed, messing up the covers (I get that there aren’t a lot of places to sit in a dorm, but they at least could’ve asked, right?). I totally regret not communicating more with my roommate. I just sat and stewed, and quite frankly, I’m still not over it. Just bring the problems up casually and cheerfully, like, “Hey, do you mind not doing that? It just bothers me a bit because of ____.” Maybe suggest that you both organize your closet and divide up space. “This is my area and this is yours.” Compromise, but you clearly need to set boundaries. It’s a very small space and you deserve your fair share.</p>
<p>As others have said, it seems like you haven’t really tried to establish any ground rules. Unless you reach out and make it known that these things bother you, the situation isn’t going to change.</p>
<p>She’s trying to be nice to you. So what if she’s “trying to be besties?” Maybe she wants to be your friend. Is that a bad thing? I’d be irritated with people disrespecting my stuff like that, but it’s important to realize that people come from different backgrounds. What she’s doing may be perfectly acceptable in her mind. Lay down some ground rules, but do it in such a way that you aren’t “telling her” what the ground rules are, but rather having a discussion about each others thoughts on the issue.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t even call them ground rules or even view them that way. Just nicely state your preferences. Not a complaint (I didn’t like it when you…) Just, I’d like to keep my things separate. Or, I’d rather you didn’t use my things until we’ve talked.</p>
<p>I am sorry to say that post 4 sounds like a tidal wave of justification, a storm brewing that could be avoided, if you would slow down a bit. Best of luck. Maybe this won’t work out, but each party has to aim for 50-50. Wherever she came from, however she interacted with peers, friends and family, her actions may have been seen as perfectly fine.</p>
<p>I’ll add something I told my daughter, just before she moved into her freshman dorm: in that small setting, your own actions and reactions can telegraph, can form impressions in others that travel astoundingly fast. Before you realize it. Consider that. You want the others to see you as likeable, flexible, able to communicate- not easily aggravated (or other things.) Really, I wish you the best.</p>
<p>When you communicate: I know this sounds bad, but make a list of those things you mentioned that YOU found unacceptable. She probably has NO IDEA that she was being disrespectful because some people are given “ENTITLEMENT” privileges, by their parents, which is that they can do no wrong and are perfect angels.
Throw that out the window and explain to Ms. Dense and entitled that people don’t trespass on other people’s things.</p>
<p>Start by saying: I wanted to talk to you about about several things that have made me extremely uncomfortable (and somewhat upset), which leads me to believe that we need to set up some ground rules for living in our room.</p>
<p>And if “ms. dense and entitled” doesn’t get it, let your RA know that you need a change of scenery and hope to be in the first line for a new room.</p>
<p>I don’t think you should “complain.” Who says she’s dense and entitled? Oh, OP does. Plenty of kids mingle their things. D1 and her 3 roomies did. OP can handle this nicely. But it seems to be, in part, a life lesson on how to. </p>
<p>OP can express herself without becoming a complainer or judge. Without a list. We all knew girls like that, too. “You did this” and “I didn’t like that.” It wasn’t any better.</p>
<p>Yes, all of this could’ve been avoided if ground rules were laid down and if I just talked to her. It’s somewhat hard to talk to someone when they’re not there! I haven’t seen her for about 3 days. She has not been in the room. When she is in the room she comes in late and by then I am sleeping. I wake up early and by then she is sleeping. It’s just an awkward timing with school starting and odd schedules. It’s hard for either of us to get a glimpse of the other one. My RA hasn’t given us a Roommate Agreement form because she has been MIA. I see her for a second when I get ready in the morning and then don’t see her until the next day. This is what I meant when I said my hall is at a “stand still”. Although, it looks like it’ll be yet another week without filling out forms that need to be filled. </p>
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It’s fine if we’re friendly and cordial. What I think is not “fine” is me acting like everything is ok when, in actuality, I’m annoyed and unhappy with the living arrangements. Plus, I don’t want to be “besties”. I don’t see anything wrong with not wanting us to be painting each others nail up until midnight talking about the boys on the third floor. </p>
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Oh, yes, yes! I have my list! XD I don’t plan on telling what she did wrong and that she needs to change it pronto. Rather, I’ll share with her the things that made me unhappy uncomfortable and what change will make me happy and comfortable. </p>
<p>I’m going to use this:
Thank you for a template. </p>
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I would say this, but these things haven’t come up again. I would feel bad bringing it up when she’s not doing it. </p>
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Yes, thank you for bringing this up. I don’t want myself to look like a person who holds grudges and is passive aggressive. I don’t want to be the “unfriendly girl” on the floor. But at the same time I don’t want to swallow my words in fear of be disliked. </p>
<p>For now, things are at a stand still, but I will most definitely inform you guys of when I say something.</p>
<p>If you can’t get a hold of her, try leaving a note on her desk or sending her a message over facebook (or a text or something) to set up a time when you guys are both available so you can set up ground rules for your room. You can say that your RA was saying that you two need to fill out the roommate agreement form, and you think it’d probably be easier to just get it done earlier rather than later.</p>
<p>Is it possible that she is just used to doing things a different way and is not purposely trying to annoy you? I came from a large family where personal space wasn’t common, where even though I had my own room right before college, I had to share closet space with others in my family and had never once had a bathroom of my own. My first college roommate was an only child, had never had to share-ANYTHING, and was from a wealth family to boot, so she’d also never had to clean anything (that was for the maid), unlike me, who grew up doing chores. She also liked total silence to do her work, while I was used to 5 kids, three dogs, a cat and a bird. In other words, total mayhem. We…didn’t get along.</p>
<p>They didn’t have formal agreements to sign back then, but we worked it out. We each compromised on some things and realized after TALKING to one another, that neither was the villain, we were just used to different things.</p>
<p>I wonder if your roommate, OP, is just different than you. She doesn’t seem awful at all, and certainly not so bad it should make your “skin crawl”. I’ sure you’re projecting that level of distaste for her-no wonder she’s keeping herself scarce! She’s probably called home and asked what she should do because her roommate hates her! Try to talk to her-written notes, even in the digital age, can be a good way to get through.</p>
<p>If your roommate has been MIA that may be a good thing. The less time she is in the room the less time you will have to deal with her. You did mean that your roommate was MIA and not the RA, correct? I definately would complete the roommate agreement in a very non-confrontational way. It is possible that she has just grown up in an environment where there was a lot more sharing going on and isn’t used to having to ask whether or not she or her friend can sit in a chair. Granted, the friend shouldn’t have sat on your stuff - but I would have assumed the chair would have been OK.</p>
<p>I think when you make out the roommate agreement pick your battles. Don’t draw a line on the floor and say you stay on that side and I will stay on mine. Instead, tell her that you are very particular about your things and you really have a hard time when others go in to certain things, such as your under bed storage. However, you may want to tell her what is OK - such as using the microwave or sitting on the chair.</p>
<p>One poster said they were upset when the out of town friend came in stayed in their bed. I for one wouldn’t have been upset at that at all, but if that gets to you, make sure you let her know and she should at least ask permission and perhaps bring her own sheets if she wants to stay overnight in your bed.</p>
<p>These rooms are too small to totally be separate, but if you designate at least some items off limits you should be able to work this out.</p>
<p>Especially in the refrigerator - that is a big area to discuss.</p>