My sister has bipolar disorder

Parents Forum
1

<p>Hello I was hoping to get some adult advice on this thread.</p>

<p>My sister has been living with bipolar depression for several years now, and we are both sophomores in college, although I am two years younger than her. My sister currently attends a state school near home and lives at home, but recently got accepted as a transfer student for this spring semester at a much higher ranked state school several hours away. My parents are very against her going there, since she will be living in a dorm rather than at home. They are worried that she wont take her medication regularly (which she doesn't now) and will be having many problems, maybe even suicide. (sorry to be so gloomy sweatingbullets.gif ) At one time she was in a mental hospital for treatments, but she is a bit better now, but has trouble focusing and thinking logically. Which is why my parents like to watch over her at home. Also, her disorder is cyclical, so she has months where she acts more reasonable than others.</p>

<p>However, the school my sister currently goes to is not good at all academically, or in terms or the people who attend and influence her. It is very similar to a community college environment. I told my sister that I would support her decision to transfer. She really wants to hang out with her friends who live there and get away from my parents who constantly nag her to take her medicine, clean her room, etc. I told her I would support her given the condition that I would stay with her every weekend and see how she is doing. I currently attend school around Boston, and my sister's school is several hours away in Western MA, but this is a sacrifice I am willing to make, given that even though my sister is transferring for the wrong reasons (hanging out with friends) I feel that the new school may be a better environment for her, and will allow her to grow and learn about herself, which she would not have the opportunity to do by living with my parents all her life.</p>

<p>Yet, I'm still worried that living away from my parents will be too much for her, since her condition at times gets very severe. During her worst times, she has tried to drown and strangle me, and I am worried that she will try to harm people or herself. My parents' worst fear is that she will end up like the guy from Virginia Tech...</p>

<p>I not really worried about my safety, because I have learned to deal with her over the past few years, and because I am physically strong and would be able to handle her attacks.</p>

<p>My parents, although they do not want her to go, will pretty much go along with what I think is best. Throughout the past few years, I've been their support, and I do well in school, work hard, etc. so my opinion gets a lot of respect from my parents.</p>

<p>Although I told my sister, I'd support her, I'm still having doubts. So do you think it would be best for home to stay at home and attend her current school, or move hours away to a better ranked school? Have any of you been in a similiar situation?</p>

2

<p>Wow! That's a heavy load you & your family are working through. Generally people with bipolar disorder have physicians and counselors. What do they say about these options? It is very important to have them in the discussion and have them help in the decision-making. It is also important for your sister to make some promises she will honor IF she is to be allowed the greater freedom she is seeking. </p>

<p>If she is not taking the medication, does she give a reason she won't take it regularly? I'm sure you & your folks have explained why it's so important for her to take it. What do her docs say about whatever reason she gives for not taking her meds regularly? Are there other med combos she can try to figure one that she likes & can keep things well controlled?</p>

<p>Until the docs can weigh in on the above issues, I would be reluctant to recommend anything. They are the experts and as you have mentioned, your sister has been known to become violent. It is a recipe for danger if she won't take her meds and may be violent, especially in a new environment that may have more and different pressures from her current environment.</p>

3

<p>I think that your sister and your parents (with your sister's permission) should talk to your sister's psychiatrist about the options, and make their decision only after thoroughly going over the options with the psychiatrist.</p>

<p>That's the way the people I know with bipolar have made such decisions.</p>

4

<p>iddus- you are a dear child and it is wonderful what your are trying to do for sis- but this may be too heavy a load for you. It's ok to be concerned about your own needs too.
I'm gonna agree with Northstar and HiMom- your family needs to get your sisters psychiatrist more involved. He/she may know if there are psychlogical counseling services available at the new school and what other resources are available.<br>
please make this a family decision with the physician's recommendation strongly considered.
and I'm going to be selfish for you. It's ok for you to have your own life too. If you want to help out sis- it's ok to visit her once a month or so. But everyweek-end??
I think that's a bit too much for a kid to undertake.
Bless you- and good luck.</p>

5

<p>"t's ok for you to have your own life too. If you want to help out sis- it's ok to visit her once a month or so. But everyweek-end??
I think that's a bit too much for a kid to undertake."</p>

<p>I agree with marny1. It also may be helpful for you to get some counseling to help you figure out how best to live your own life while still expressing support for your sister.</p>

6

<p>Hi Iddus02,</p>

<p>Many of us have close relatives with bipolar disorder. We have very similar worries to what you describe - with some variations based on the severity of the relative's case, how long they've been living with it, etc.</p>

<p>It's stressful and it's hard. It's also hard to ever totally feel that it's not your responsibility to help fix it or at least make it the best it can be. I agree with others that you need to feel free to live your own life, but I also know first hand that it can take a long time to achieve that. And, at least for me, there is always a legacy of feeling that maybe I should have done/should do more.</p>

<p>I agree with all who have said that it would be best to make the decision/let her make the decision along with her psychiatrist and any other counselors involved.</p>

<p>Finally, failing to take their medication seems to be such a common occurrence. One poster asked why she wouldn't take the medication. This has always been a worry/frustration in my family. To those of us on the outside, our sibling seems so obviously better when on the meds. I can tell within 5 seconds of a phone call from my sibling whether the meds have been dropped or not. They have so many reasons for stopping; among those I'm familiar with are that (1) they feel better and feel they don't need them any more, (2) they don't like the side effects, (3) they don't "feel like themselves" when on the meds, (4) they don't like losing the "good" part of the bipolar experience - the highs, the creative spurts they feel. So, many of them cannot be convinced to simply stay the course.</p>

<p>Most importantly, I hope you will not feel that this important decision is all up to you. It's a blessing, but also a burden, to feel that your parents will go along with your recommendation. If that is really the case and, for some reason, your sister and parents don't end up sitting with the psychiatrist to brainstorm the decision... you might, if the therapist is willing, ask what kind of guidance s/he could give you in how best to support your sister. Some, of course, will talk to relatives not at all, some will talk about some things but not others.</p>

<p>Good luck.</p>

7

<p>Would your parents consider the transfer if your sister could prove that she would stay on her medication? If so, see if the transfer can be moved to next fall, and give her an additional trial semester at home to establish a pattern of behavior, and possibly try new medication.</p>

<p>Your parents have every right to be concerned. They are the ones who must ultimately deal with the fallout of her untreated bipolar disorder. Even though you are being a wonderful sibling in offering to monitor her on weekends, that leaves a lot of uncovered hours in the week. Do you think a 20 year old roommate or RA is going to know anything about bipolar? Early intervention can sometimes help prevent a catastrophic episode, but only a family member is going to be able to see and act on her mood instability. Then there are other problems, like alcohol abuse, that, once started, can send her life out of control.</p>

<p>It's very hard for a person with bipolar to accept the disease and treatment, but it is necessary. I don't think your sister has passed this stage yet. Your parents are trying to do what is best for her.</p>

8

<p>you probably have already read An Unquiet Mind, by Dr Kay Jamison, which chronicles her own years of denial and non compliance in medication for her own bipolar disorder so eloquently. She has also written a book on suicide risks, which she understands both as a doctor and a patient.
we know that your concerns are real, and that suicide risk is real for people with unmanaged bipolar, and your sister is at an age where she has not reached her full maturity or fully comprehended how she must manage her illness. I am so sorry you and your family have had your lives interrupted by this disease.
I admire your compassion and your maturity and your balanced concerns for your sister's need for growth and autonomy vs the realities of the seriousness of her illness. </p>

<p>Please consider visiting a NAMI meeting soon. National Association for the Mentally Ill sponsors meetings for concerned relatives. Meeting other families can be so helpful to help you realize that you are not alone in the angst and worry you are experiencing while facing a serious biologically-based disease with your sister. You can gain courage and a longer view of how to hang in there with your sister for the long haul if you meet other parents and siblings who have also been consumed with worry, guilt and sadness, and had trouble with a family member who will not comply with treatment. You can meet people who have found out ways to view a major mental illness with some hope and get leads on good treatment plans, physicians and examples of how other families worked there way through this. Go to their website and check them out. You deserve to be part of the group of families in our nation who are facing this together and lobbying for better care.</p>

<p>You must also be able to embrace your own life. I truly think you will understand better how to live your life while still being there for your sister..if you get the chance to meet other families who have walked in your shoes. </p>

<p>you are a good sister and a good daughter. take care.</p>

9

<p>Wow, you are a wonderful sister. Your sister and parents are very fortunate. But I agree, make sure you have a life as well. </p>

<p>In addition to getting the above recommended agreements with her psychiatrist and counselors, I'd not want to proceed without being sure you have a good treatment team in place in a new location. Will your insurance support this? Will she accept the steps necessary to find a psych and therapist in a new location?</p>

<p>Can she make and keep a contract to not harm herself or others? Your physical strength is a great thing, but should not be a factor in keeping either of you safe, as interactions need to stop a downhill spiral before physical violence occurs. You being physically assaulted in the process of keeping her safe is NOT acceptable in any way. If there is not a plan in place, and good attempts to adhere to it, I'd say she might not be ready to go. I'd be worried about you ending up needing to be there if not the weekend, and interfering with your schooling, if there is not a good way to keep her safe otherwise. </p>

<p>Her enthusiasm about going does sound a positive. Might there be a way of using this as a carrot? Take meds, adhere to treatment plan, check in as needed. Then maybe she'd be more ready to go without you needing to be there every weekend.</p>

10

<p>Another vote for you limiting your responsibility.</p>

11

<p>If she is on lithium, I know there are alternatives that may be more pleasant for her to take.
I haven't taken lithium, but I have stopped my meds suddenly because the positives were not outweighed by negatives.
The</a> Dr. Bob Home Page
Psycho-Babble</a> Alternative</p>

<p>Optimally, I think that her meds need to get stablized first before she makes a change - but at the same time I acknowledge that a change could be positive enough to motivate healthy behaviours that weren't possible before.</p>

<p>I can't speak for your families situation- but in my own- I was raised as the " problem" child and much of my behavior was a result of my environment.
It did wonders to get out of it.
I realize though- that underlying imbalances do exist- & while she may not be able to get off of the medication that she doesn't like- it is possible through nutritional and other supports ( like counseling- exercise...) she could try a smaller dose.
Try the links above.</p>