My Son Blindsided Me and DW Saying that he Wants to Join a Frat

<p>I also don’t get the “frat” being an insult thing. My son, in college now, calls them “frat parties.” I think it’s a regional thing, not an old lady thing :).</p>

<p>I suspect the drive to be in frats (yes, I will stick with this word), is because vulnerable college students are looking for a home base where they can feel connected. What I don’t get is that a lot of times, it’s not based on anything other than a Greek organization. Why is that? I know I may be ignorant, but is seems to me that if there were some “meaning involved,” such as a a mutual interest, sports involvement, musical interest, etc., there might be a connection. But just because they like a group of kids, it seems strange to me that there is this vehement loyalty about why their frat is better than another frat.</p>

<p>My younger son expressed interest in possibly joining, but when he got to college and really saw what hazing was about, he decided it seemed ridiculous. He goes to a very Greek heavy school, but found a “home” with another interest of his, so this made it easier to be a “GDI.” I was relieved to hear this.</p>

<p>There is usually some “meaning” involved but it is more of a mulit-faceted level of comfort with the style and values of the particular group. They actually vary a lot among the different houses. So you have rich kids frats, Jewish kids, jocks, conservative hard partying kids, academic kids etc etc. Each has a unique vibe and you find where you best fit.</p>

<p>One of my sons is at a university where about 1/3 of the guys are in fraternities. We were stunned when during his freshman year he told us that he wanted to join one. He had been very anti-fraternity when he went off the college. The fraternity he joined has absolutely no hazing. While the vast majority of his frat brothers drink, my son, who is now a senior, does not drink and is not pressured to do so. His fraternity has the highest GPA on campus. He has made a great group of friends which has been really important as he has been very disappointed in general with the group of people in his specialized major. If your son picks the right frat, he will find a supportive group of brothers who will help him academically as well as socially.</p>

<p>After freshman year, almost all of my friends organized a new chapter of a prominent national fraternity. I was not wealthy, and beyond affording fraternity dues, did not want anything to derail my academic progress, so I remained independent. Thirty years later, it is my observation that everyone has done very well regardless of his choice. I did not have a terrific social life in college and attribute much of this to not joining a fraternity at a school with significant greek life, which has in recent years been discouraged. I have very few college friends I keep in touch with after all these years. That is not the case for my old friends who joined fraternities. I would not be judgmental if academic standards are high and your son keeps his priorities straight.</p>

<p>OP - have you visited the campus and actually met the guys in the fraternity? If the college has a “Parents/Family” weekend I strongly suggest that you attend and meet them. You may be pleasantly surprised. </p>

<p>A story here: My oldest brother was very quiet in HS, though a good looking varsity athlete he hated all of the social stuff. Within weeks of arriving at his small LAC, he pledged. When my parents visited on Parent Weekend they not only met the guys, but the guys’ parents and well ended up being friends. Not only was my brother close friends with a group of 5 or 6 of his fraternity brothers for 30 years (until he passed away), but my parents stayed friends with the other parents as well. And my folks are still in touch with my brother’s friends.</p>

<p>OP: With the values I’m sure you instilled in your DS, I would trust his judgment about the kind of fraternity he would choose to join. As others have mentioned, there are a lot of benefits.</p>

<p>My DS is kind of quiet and, as a college freshman, has friends from his classes and the club sports he plays (he’s not into spectator sports at all). I think joining a fraternity would be good for him, even though he’s not into parties (but I won’t push him, he has to decide for himself). Fraternities offer so much more than that - a social group, networking opportunities, leadership, community service. Frequently the GPAs are higher (they have study hours). Again, depends on the school and the specific fraternity. As many have mentioned, the bonds can last a lifetime.</p>

<p>To back up pizzagirl here (as I often have done in the past - she’s my sorority sister afterall!), everyone can have their own experience in Greek life.</p>

<p>To me “dropping a bomb” would be something like - “I want to drop out of school.” Not “I want to join a fraternity.” If that’s “dropping a bomb” to you, I’d say you’ve got a good kid there!</p>

<p>I was in a frat. It was great. We were a pretty mellow frat. We did community service. We fielded IM sports teams. We did problem sets together. We had parties. Some people drank a lot. Some people didn’t drink at all. Some brothers had girlfriends. Sometimes they became other brother’s girlfriends and things were a little awkward. Some brothers were gay but in the closet. Some eventually came out of the closet. Some brothers did drugs. Most did not. </p>

<p>Bottom line, I think you have to trust your son’s judgement. I think you should tell him that. I know that my parents had no insight into what was going on and my judgement was the most valuable.</p>

<p>My son is at a large state university and joined a frat. I was nervous for months and thankful when the pledging process ended. I have to admit joining the frat has increased his circle of friends and raised his social life a notch or two. </p>

<p>Odds are your son will be find but you will gain many gray hairs in the process. =)</p>

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<p>I’m on the west coast, and I’ve never heard anyone take offense at using the term “frat.” All of my friends who are in fraternities call them frats, and as far as I can tell use the two terms interchangeably. I had no idea an abbreviation was such a touchy subject.</p>

<p>To the OP, I’m not a parent, but I knew several people who were in fraternities and sororities and to be honest, it just depends on the kid. There are all sorts of different people in Greek life. Some of them were great, incredibly smart and responsible, had a lot of great leadership and networking experience, and had a great group of friends. I knew some people who had horrible experiences with Greek life, and others who spent seemingly all of their time on their social lives. Trust your son to be the smart, strong young man I’m sure you raised him to be. Greek life can be a great experience for the right person, and just because you never expected it before doesn’t mean that it isn’t the right decision now.</p>