My son doesn't want to go where he got merit awards

<p>Who wouldn’t like to have an extra $20K in merit money that was unexpected? Its like winning the lottery. If the OP can really afford the more expensive option and kiddo understands that now (or in the future when he/she gets an inheritance), how much resentment is that going to cause? I still hear about a grandparent who was asked for short term loan by my parents at the terms that they would pay a fixed rate of interest or replace the mutual fund shares sold to cover the loan - whichever brought the grandparent more money. Even though they were pretty certain this would be no problem, they were told he did not have the money. Years later it was clear that was not the case and they felt even worse. If you were prepared to pay for Kenyon if you got no FA there, then I would disregard the merit offer elsewhere after trying to get Kenyon to match it.</p>

<p>Well, it’s true that not all parents can pay or want to pay for their kids’ educations, Whatdidyou. Some can. Some wish to. Some who can are willing to pay for everything, some who can aren’t. All viable choices. I could do a lot with the money I’m going to shell out for my D’s education, but this is how I choose to spend the money. I would never tell someone how to spend his or her money. I would also not call the OP’s son’s preferences for Kenyon over Oberlin “petty” unless I knew A LOT more than I currently know.</p>

<p>absweetmarie, </p>

<p>Oh yes, people can choose to spend their money on whatever they want. However, I would never choose to go to another school that will cost me an additional 20 THOUSAND a year, unless I had a very good reason. It seems not smart for me to take on the additional cost. </p>

<p>And if it would be my parents picking up the tab, I’d see that as disrespectful/petty.</p>

<p>Every family is different though and I guess I’m in the minority thinking this way anyways. And people growing up with different perceptions about their wealth could also change their views…</p>

<p>Every family is different, but here is how we handled it with our DS (exactly the way my parents handled it with me). We told him we would cover the COA at our instate flagship for all four years. If he chose to go to his inexpensive NMF option, we would bank the difference, about $40-50k for the four years for grad school or a house. If he chose his more expensive dream school, he had to cover the difference between the instate tuition and the COA at his dream (after merit and financial aid). DS was willing to pay the difference and current covers about $6000 a year at USC. He takes the subsidized loans and the rest comes from summer earnings. It is a win-win situation! He got his dream school; we have not overextended ourselves; his student loan debt will be manageable;and he understands the cost of his education and watches his spending!</p>

<p>I am helping my D with grad school which I thought I wouldn’t do. She incurred debt from a year of law school and then decided it wasn’t for her. Sheis currently working and paying her debt payments, but I can’t bear for her to have more debt. I can’t be happy if she can’t establish her life. So I have to sacrifice vacations, etc. I think it worth it for her to be happy in her future work.</p>

<p>This thread is about a family that COULD afford full pay, and told the kid that they could. Then a nice offer came in. What’s weird about this particular case is that the nice offer came from a school that is, according to many, a better school than the preferred school. To me, that does suggest some further thought by everybody, and perhaps an approach to the preferred school.</p>

<p>But the normal situation is that generous merit aid is offered by a school for which the kid is somewhat overqualified, or is otherwise desirable to the school. That merit aid is not designed to benefit YOU, it’s designed to benefit the school. That’s why some of us are noting that many kids with a wide-ranging list may get some very nice offers from safety or match schools.</p>

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<p>I really disagree. Every family’s position is different. I strongly believe that the parents should take care of retirement first, then making sure they can help each child go to a public university, and then, if there is money left over, the field is wide open.</p>

<p>My parents paid for my undergraduate education and I have always been incredibly grateful for that. I started adult life with no loans, and that allowed me to pursue vocations and dreams I could not have considered otherwise. My H and I are now in a position where we can provide our D with a debt free education (for her) at a “dream school.” It will not be easy, but she is our only one, we have retirement savings, and there is nothing else we would rather spend our money on.</p>

<p>It would be dumb and spiteful for us to make her go to a place she did not want, and take out loans she did not need, to prove some kind of false point about financial probity. She is a thoughtful and grateful child. We don’t need to “punish” her. I won’t pay for cars, vacations, beer money etc. but I will gladly pay rack rate for a great college experience. I can’t imagine why any parent capable of doing so without jeopardizing the basic financial security of the family (and being fair to other children) would do any less.</p>

<p>Agree - NJSue - I would add that in our case “rack rate” for in-state publics ended up being more than out of state privates. I would not hold up the in-state public as the bargain basement default. In fact, I received another “award” from our supposedly most affordable in-state public today and it is more expensive than 2 of D’s LAC choices. I was secretly hoping that this would be the case so I wouldn’t have to make this same journey to try to justify rationally what I feel in my heart is the best choice. </p>

<p>When D was doing her extended visits and scholarship weekends I told her that part of the deal was that when awards came there would be very little time to assess and decide. After the hard numbers of out of pocket costs were addressed I wanted her to be prepared to judge the value proposition presented by each school. What if super safety had been less expensive? Did favorite LAC provide more real value in addition to the paper diploma? How about if fine but not favorite LAC came in less? As long as it’s within a family’s acceptable ability to pay what is wrong with assessing individual value differently? The lowest cost choice is not always the best choice. Yes, you are buying a diploma, but you are also buying a formative experience. </p>

<p>I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it one more time - take Oberlin’s offer to Kenyon and see if they will bump theirs up enough to give you peace of mind, then call it a day.</p>

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<p>Awesome post, NJSue. I so agree with everything you wrote! The part I quoted particularly resonated with me. So many parents claim they make their children take out loans to “have some skin in the game.” I always read these comments and wonder why those parents seem satisfied to have raised young adults whom they believe to be shallow and irresponsible.</p>

<p>We too have an only child and have attempted to save responsibly for our retirement and her education. We don’t have enough to pay for a private college education, but for in-state public our college savings approximately equal the COA less her scholarship. Our daughter, like yours, is thoughtful, grateful and hard working. We expect her to find summer jobs and transition appropriately towards financial independence during the next few years. We don’t see any need to put artificial pressure on her or conceal the fact that if she keeps up her scholarship, she can graduate debt free.</p>

<p>I would add that my D and many other kids have worked incredibly hard to earn scholarships to pay for school - why use that against them? I am really not liking the idea of making the kid contribute out of pocket half or all of the difference created by the extra unanticipated scholarship that he EARNED. That is like a punishment for having done well.</p>

<p>That’s a good point, saintfan and I agree 100% on that.</p>

<p>Saintfan–I understand what you’re saying about publics vs. privates. My point is that many people strive to be able to support their children’s education at an in-state public (CC, directional, or flagship) and I think that is an appropriate goal.</p>

<p>I could send my D to the institution that employs me for free. It’s not a good fit for her and she’d hate it. I know what we’re leaving on the table because of this, and it’s all right with us.</p>

<p>NJSue - we agree entirely and have been virtually the same decision with our S. We also recognize that others may be in very different situations.</p>

<p>If I had an only child, I would feel the same way as those above, but it gets complicated when there are more kids to think of, and I think the OP has another child also.</p>

<p>Chiming in as someone whose child chose the full ride school over the school he wanted to go to, it was a big mistake. Although there were other factors besides money, like proximity to home and supposed opportunities, we found it was a bunch of hype that never came to fruition. We’re going to pay in the end because son is miserable and will likely transfer to another school at full freight. We’ll take out loans to make it happen, as what money we saved on the full ride school came at the cost of a lot of blood, sweat and tears. We only hope he’ll be able to get a job coming out of the new school where it will be worth the money. If anything, it will be worth the peace of mind.</p>

<p>zfab24: I hope things work out well at a new school. The path isn’t always straight for us or them.</p>

<p>I get what some of you are saying but still it’s hard for me to wrap my head around what your child is thinking in this situation. Maybe for those who have enough money, but for parents who are concerned about the financial cost and the student still persists…</p>

<p>If my parents were paying, I would have felt incredibly guilty to even go to a 4 year instead of a community college for my first 2 years. Also my younger sibling feels the same way, so maybe we think this way because of the way we were raised. </p>

<p>The only way I would have felt comfortable going to a 4year public university right out of college is if I knew my parents had the extra money and genuinly wanted me to go elsewhere as a gift (as NJSue described). In that case, I woulda taken it! </p>

<p>It’s alien to me that some of your kids are turning down full-ride’s, or large aid packages(AKA 20K a year!) to go to other comparable schools. That’s crazy! lol. </p>

<p>Life doesn’t always work out the way you plan. Be persistent. Be smart. Working thru tough times makes you stronger.</p>

<p>So an update: I did appeal to Kenyon and they turned me down for any merit award (Macalester also did and I haven’t heard back from Grinnell yet). He just came back from visiting Kenyon again and I think this time realized how remote and small it seemed to him now. Tiny - as he described it. He starting to think that maybe a larger campus - like Oberlin’s (!) - might be better, after all. I’m even wondering if it’s worth another visit back to Oberlin for him. I’ve been in touch with the Admissions Office there and explained the situation and they are willing to host him and try to show him the different sides of Oberlin - perhaps ones he didn’t see there on his last visit. </p>

<p>He’s also looking up all the info again and comparing a lot for the colleges he got into and is coming to the conclusion that actually, Oberlin is pretty darn good. So, there’s some glimmer of hope. He’s really stressing about the whole thing and I feel for him. I think we’ve made it really clear we’d love for him to attend Oberlin and I think he wants to try and do the right thing. He is now just really worried about the social scene there and if he would really fit in. (and believe me - I’m very sensitive to this: I went to a “good” school and was miserable and graduated in 3 years just to get out. I had nothing in common with the people I went to school with and felt out of place. I was depressed and started struggling with an eating disorder as a result). So, I am sensitive to his concerns and I don’t want to send him to a place where he is miserable. </p>

<p>I guess the other option would be Brandeis. He got some money there - less than Oberlin, but it’s more mainstream, though perhaps, not as good a school? I don’t know. </p>

<p>Ugh. Thanks for listening, everyone, and for all the good advice. This is a great forum and it has helped me a lot.</p>

<p>I’m mostly with Whatdidyou on this. My DS got into a lot of top tier schools for $50K+ and he also got a full ride to Maryland. As soon as he got the full ride, he knew that it would mean a huge benefit to the family (he has an older sister, a twin sister, and a younger sister) and chose accordingly. As long as the full ride/huge merit school is still decent (second tier or whatnot), then I can’t imagine paying more, even if you’re able to afford it. (We could pay for it, but we’d have less for our retirement, and that’s something we don’t want our kids to have to subsidize one day.)</p>

<p>Just saw your update, Esmerelda. I happen to agree with you that it would be doing “the right thing” for your son to accept an affordable school that is actually an excellent institution. I certainly hope it turns out well for all of you (i.e., he’s happy and you save money!).</p>