<p>Entertainer, what in your mind are the kid’s responsibilities toward his parents if the parents are paying for his education?</p>
<p>owlice, I can’t wait for the answer to the question you posted in #21.</p>
<p>"Is there anyway I can avoid this communication thing because honestly I would want to . I don’t understand what gives parents the right to, in a sense, blackmail their children saying things like, “Since we are paying for your education, you have to call us.” I don’t agree with that method at all. If your child wanted to call you, they would. "</p>
<p>I’m a parent who’s helping to pay for my son’s college ed, and I don’t believe in the above either. I believe that college is a time for young people to develop their independence, and part of that is having the experience of being able to be in college without required check-ins with parents.</p>
<p>I never hounded either of my sons about keeping in touch. Older S used to communicate sometimes a couple of times a day though e-mail. Younger S created a blog for H and I and updates it about once every 10 days.</p>
<p>I don’t feel the need to grill my kids about their grades, etc. Older S ended up flunking out of college, but I do not think that H and my checking on his grades, reminding him to go to class, etc. would have helped. He simply was too immature to be in college. I think if a student only will do their academic responsibilities if Mom and Dad hound them, then the student doesn’t need to be in college yet.</p>
<p>Younger S is a dean’s list student, and despite being a mediocre (sub 3.0 unweighted) student in high school, got his act together in college and is living up to his potential. He also knows that H and I are serious that if his average goes below 3.0 and he consequently loses his merit aid, we won’t fill that gap. Other than requiring him to show us his grades at semester’s end, H and I don’t get involved with S’s academics unless he asks us for advice.</p>
<p>Younger S called twice during spring semester. He always has hated talking on the phone: For some reason, he can’t think of anything to say. I miss him, and would like to hear from him more, but I also enjoy the fact that he communicates when he wants to and doesn’t do that out of a sense of obligation.</p>
<p>My mom wanted weekly letters from me, and I hated writing letters, but made weekly phone calls on my dime, but she didn’t appreciate that gesture. I ended up resenting keeping in touch with her, and I don’t want my sons to feel the same way that I did.</p>
<p>My D already graduated and I am not supporting her at all but I still expect her to call on a regular basis. I admit I have girls and they want to call. We have no scheduled calls. And no, I don’t discuss grades and stuff like that unless they choose to tell me (and they do). They are highly independent young woman. But they do share about what’s going on in their lives. They mostly call me as I feel the calls are then at their convenience.</p>
<p>I don’t believe that I’m obligated to call my parents just because they are paying for my education. Even in High School I barely talked to my parents about school, classes, grades and other things because they acted unrealistic and archaic. They tried to force information out of me. I don’t like my father due to personal reasons and I will not call him even if they make it an obligation. College is about letting your children go. They have to explore the world for themselves. If they decide to call you and ask for advice, or other things then fine, but if they don’t then the parent should realize where he or she went wrong. There is a reason why colleges don’t allow parental access in their students online academic files, transcripts and so on. Let your children be adults for once. Let them find out how to make the right and wrong decisions. Let them find out how to maintain a budget and keep track of the money they spend. I feel that parents had 18 years of teaching their children the ways of life. Now the children have to experience life by themselves. All this obligated communication stuff is nonsense in my opinion. If students wanted to keep in touch with their parents they would. Thats how I feel. There shouldn’t be an obligation based solely on, “I’m paying for your education.” Honestly I would like to have a decent discussion with my parents, but it ends up being futile. It makes me angry. Then they blame it on me and think that I have pride issues. They just have a old school way of doing things. They don’t adjust to the times. </p>
<p>**The kids responsibilities to their parents are to do well in school(Trying your best). Thats it. Thats what my dad always said. “If you do well in school, I won’t bother you.” Eventually he would bother me, maybe because I wouldn’t talk to him. Why should their be an obligation to speak to your parents? Please explain. </p>
<p>Usually parents know when they don’t have a good relationship with their children. I don’t like talking on the phone and I’m a bad communicator in general. I don’t even keep in touch with my close friends unless they contact me. I’m just a loner in many regards. I don’t like to be bothered. I communicate more effectively in person. Now, my parents want to visit me every now and then. I told them that it would be in their best interest not to do that. </p>
<p>I don’t want to sound arrogant, negative, or immature. Its just that I have a bad relationship with my parents due to personal reasons. Enough of my ranting. I will give you some background as to how my parents are. They are the type of parents that gloat and brag about what school their child is going to. Now my dad is like aim for Harvard. I just told him, I’m doing my own thing.</p>
<p>Entertainer:</p>
<p>Not sure if you are just trying to bait parents in this forum, but, in the event that you are not, and that you are being sincere, I have a few thoughts. First, it does seem that you have a different relationship with your parents than many of the parents on this forum. My sense from most of the other replies is that they have a reasonable relationship with their kids and are simply trying to figure out how to continue that when they are many miles apart. You said that you “communicate more effectively in person”. But, you then follow that up with an admonition to your parents not to visit. So, it seems that you feel a certain sense of entitlement to what your parents give you. They should support you, pay for your education, be there when you deem it necessary, and, in return, expect nothing. At the ripe old age of 18 or 19 you have decided that the relationship between you and your parents is damaged beyond repair. I just remind you that you have many years ahead of you. Sure, change expectations and discuss these new ones with your folks. Decide what relationship you would like with your folks and let them know what that is. If they decide that it works for them, well, great for all of you. If they decide that it does NOT work for them, they can decide whether the relationship should continue. At least then they can decide whether to continue to support you. It seems like you have just written them off. Perhaps the history of your relationship supports that decision. But, there are often two sides to the story. And, if you choose only to see your own side you will often be ignoring salient facts. If you truly want to be an adult then tackle the problem head on and discuss it with your folks. Sorry for the counseling session, I know that it was not requested. But, I just felt like a total stranger might help you put your situation in perspective. Good luck…Truly.</p>
<p>So you have no responsibility for your relationship with your parents, even though they are funding your adulthood?</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>But not so bad that you will refuse their money and support yourself instead, hmm?</p>
<p>Thanks for that(WI MOM). Seriously! My parents are immigrants so they keep their traditions and culture. They seriously use what they have learned back home and apply it to a different country. I keep trying to tell them that it doesn’t work. They are hardheaded and think that they are always right. I do communicate more effectively in person, but with the strained parent-son relationship that I have had over the years, I feel that It just wouldn’t work out.</p>
<p>My parents don’t even have a good relationship with each other. The only reason they are together is because of me and my brother. Other than that they would have split along time ago. The useless arguing and bickering that goes on with them never ends. That has influenced my behavior greatly. I know my parents want me to succeed, but the reason why I’m motivated to do well in college is because I want to prove to them that I can succeed so they can stop this negativity. They treat my brother even more harshly, alluding to facts that he is a failure because he didn’t go to a top university like I am. Its disheartening and crude. </p>
<p>When I look at other families, I don’t understand why they are so loving towards one another and so accepting and reassuring. Maybe there are two sides to the story, but honestly I don’t want to fix the relationship right now. Maybe when I get a little older and mature more. I just want to do things for myself. Be independent. Be free. Not be subject to calling my parents just because they are funding my adulthood. I will call them once in a while to let them know going on. They deserve that. Its not like I’m just going to stop calling them, but they have to realize that there shouldn’t be an obligation.</p>
<p>This is why I feel that I’m not obligated to call or communicate my parents regardless of the fact that they are paying for my education. I don’t understand why it matters if they are funding my education. What you are saying is like black mail or bribing. “I’m giving you a chance to succeed so talk to me.” Thats nonsense. I shouldn’t be obligated to something like that. I wouldn’t refuse their money and support myself instead. What I’m saying is why should there be strings attached?</p>
<p>If “taking their money” helps a kid get out of an emotionally abusive, physically abusive, or dangerous situation, they should go for it IMO. [Jigfeet’s</a> case](<a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/687681-calling-all-parents-how-do-i-make-my-dad-care.html]Jigfeet’s”>calling all parents!: how do I make my dad care?! - Parents Forum - College Confidential Forums) is a good example. I don’t know Entertainer’s situation, but it’s callous to cast him/her into the role of Ungrateful Brat-Child without knowing his/her situation.</p>
<p>Going back to the original question . . . I agree with NSM, this is a time for growing up and that may involve less communication with mom and dad. It’s time to let them find their own path. Also, I think constant communication can extend homesickness (if the kid is prone to it) rather than cure it.</p>
<p>I’m not sure If I should explain my situation on an internet forum. Thats why I’m leaving out details and stuff.</p>
<p>Entertainer:</p>
<p>Indeed you have many things which have shaped you and your relationship with your parents. The expectations that they have may seem unreasonable, but, they are likely at least partly responsible for your success in high school which ultimately lead you to the top institution that you now attend. Your parents’ relationship with each other is one that you cannot control. They have chosen to remain in the relationship despite its volatile nature. While you think that they are only together for you and your brother, you really do not know the full nature of their relationship and, likely don’t understand all of the intricacies in it. The fact that your parents are immigrants speaks volumes. They likely have left what they once knew in order to provide a better life for them and you and your brother. That alone involved sacrifices. And, to criticize them for taking the knowledge that they learned in their home country and try to apply it here is to ignore the fact that this is what they know! In some ways, you are a stranger to them. Your life growing up is likely totally different from the one they knew as teenagers and young adults. Take the opportunity to educate them, not to ridicule them. Explain, with gentle humour that their old country ways may not be applicable here. But, also know, that their rich culture, that they likely shared with you and your brother growing up, is part of what should make you a richer, more understanding person. You are bridging two worlds. That which your parents knew and that which you are living. It is an opportunity to make it more fulfilling for both you and your parents. There is no right or wrong here, just differences. You are blessed with having opportunities that many in your shoes may not have had. Again, I can only urge you to try to find a way to meet your parents in the middle…</p>
<p>Well I don’t criticize them for being immigrants. Well they are American citizens now, but they didn’t grow up here. I just keep telling them and trying to let them understand that some of their methods don’t apply here. They always insist that they do. Its more like, “its their way or no way type thing.” Its very frustrating. </p>
<p>I would like to communicate with them, but my parents relationship makes everything worse. Its like my dad is trying to gain favor from me and my brother and my mom is trying to do the same thing. Its like they are trying to work against each other and they are using their kids to achieve that. Not sure if you understand what I’m saying. Any conversation we have always ends in an argument. My mom asked one time, “Why is it that every conversation we try to have ends in an argument.” Me and my brother often allude to the fact that “its your relationship with your husband that gets in the way. If you guys don’t agree what makes you think we will. You guys are trying to instill in us two different lifestyles instead of one shared lifestyle.” Its very difficult to live with. That is why I have express so much negativity towards them.</p>
<p>That is why I don’t want to feel obligated to call them. This is my alone time, so to speak. No bothering, no annoyances. Just me. Maybe in the future I will slowly start to create a relationship with my parents, but even my dad said, “Once you are done with college I’m leaving the country.”</p>
<p>Entertainer: I hope that you do slowly start to create a relationship with them. As you get older, and more independent, it can be on your own terms. It sounds like you are in a lot of pain over it. Hopefully you will seek, and receive, help from someone to get through it and reach a positive outcome. Best of luck to you.</p>
<p>The boyz are saving their words for their GF/spouse. At least that’s what I do :)</p>
<p>^ Yea, I’m kind of looking for a long term relationship at the moment as well. </p>
<p>Thanks for the guidance WI Mom. Your comments helped me think and analyze my situation.</p>
<p>I’d suggest if you don’t want a phone conversation, Entertainer, you might try old fashioned mail–just send periodic newsy notes about what you’re doing and update them so they feel like they’re part of your life and you can avoid the antagonistic exchanges. Some things are better communicated in writing and it sounds like you do not enjoy the verbal exchanges with your folks. In any case, consider giving it a try and see how it goes. One good thing about writing things out is that it gives you & the recipient time to reflect and digest what is said and HOPEFULLY not over-react.</p>
<p>Back when we went to school 30-40+ years ago, we mainly communicated by letters in regular US postal mail & it worked pretty well.</p>
<p>I agree WI Mom offers good points to ponder. It is hard for any of us to know what happens in the lives of others.</p>
<p>entertainer, as a child of immigrants, my college experience was much like yours. I didn’t dislike my parents, I just didn’t think they understood me and the American culture. They weren’t warm and fuzzy so it wasn’t difficult to go days/weeks without talking to them. They, too, were demanding and unbending.<br>
But in the years after college when I married and had kids, I started to get to really know my parents as people. I learned a lot about what influenced their lives and made them the way they are - such as living in Asia during WWII. Stories of my father watching his family’s house torched by the Japanese and my mom hearing that her uncle and grandfather survived the death march. It would be decades before my parents would even talk about it.<br>
My siblings and I finally understood where their intense focus on college and success came from. They’ve softened quite a bit knowing that their kids have succeeded.</p>
<p>@ Lilmom: I’m going through the same problem only with a twist. My parents are practically divorced, but live in the same house. So sometimes I feel as though I’m competing to get to know one another. My dad wants me to think that my mom is a bad person and my mom wants me to think the opposite. Both have evidence to support their clams. I will try to communicate with my parents later on, but I just want to be sort of independent my first couple of years in college with little guidance from them. I also want to study abroad in Africa, where my parents are from and hopefully learn more about the culture, the language through medicine. I just don’t want that obligation.</p>
<p>@ Himom: Writing sounds like a good way to communicate with them even though it seems old fashioned. I will try that and see if it works, but I will call every once in a while to find out how my parents are doing. Me and my brother have a very close relationship. Its like we are in this together. Its almost as if my parents are not a factor so to speak. I communicate with him on a regular basis through txts, calls, e-mails, face book chat, etc.</p>
<p>My brother wants me to succeed and I want him to succeed. My parents want the same thing, but like I said before they are too demanding, nosy, and negative for my taste. I’m the kind of person that avoids negative attention.</p>
<p>Entertainer,
My good friend had her parents trying to use her as the middle person when they were saying nasty things about each other while divorcing and she found that every exhausting, as anyone would.</p>
<p>Perhaps if when you write to them, you tell them you really would like to have a relationship with each of them, whom you love. You can also say that when you call to speak with them, you request that they NOT talk about the other parent, just what the person you’re talking with is up to and you will do the same. Say if they do forget, you will gently remind them and change the subject or have to end the call because you find it painful.</p>
<p>Anyway, those are some thoughts to ponder. Though writing may seem old-fashioned, it does have a place and can be a very helpful tool. Personally, I love receiving letters from loved ones as well as sending (tho I admit I don’t do that as often as I’d like & should).</p>
<p>To go back to OP
I resent depositing the money if he can’t be bothered with a thank you or a note once a week.</p>
<p>Then don’t- granted this should have been discussed earlier- but I hate it when people who give with strings attached.
If he needs spending money- isn’t that what jobs are for?
you probably can set up an account at the school bookstore for textbooks and supplies as well.</p>
<p>You can’t make someone respond when they don’t have anything to communicate- but you can shape your behavior so you are not unwittingly rewarding behavior you do not want to continue.</p>
<p>I would suggest reading [Don’t shoot the dog](<a href=“http://petknows.com/2009/02/10/dont-shoot-the-dog-book-review/”>http://petknows.com/2009/02/10/dont-shoot-the-dog-book-review/</a>) it isn’t a parenting manual but very useful in modifying behavior.</p>
<p>Also this
[Letting</a> go as children head off to college for the first time](<a href=“Newsroom - The Source - Washington University in St. Louis”>http://news-info.wustl.edu/tips/page/normal/5426.html)</p>