My son isn't a communicator...what to do?

Parent Cafe
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<p>I LOVE the ideas of the check in the mail or calling college security. My son would actually appreciate those because he has a great sense of humor. I think I will wait a couple weeks on those!</p>

<p>I am trying to give him some space in these first weeks, I have sent one short email (“your contacts are in the mail”) and one short text. No reply. He called me once (while I was driving home from dropping him off) with a brief question. That’s it for communication.</p>

<p>My husband talks to his mother twice a year and my son thinks that is wierd and has always said he wouldn’t be that way. But I told him that it is easy to fall into that kind of relationship if you don’t make an effort. And the effort can’t be all mine.</p>

<p>It hurts because when he is home he and I talk a lot, at length about all sorts of things. Talk, talk, talk. Usually I can’t shut him up! Now…silence. It isn’t a matter of a bad relationship. I adore him and he loves (and likes) me.</p>

<p>I REALLY appreciate all the comments/replies. They were VERY helpful.</p>

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<p>While I emphasize with Entertainer, there are situations where the parent-child relationship is so strained that one of them - either the parent or the child finds it too painful to continue contact, I do wonder about the sense of entitlement of a child who has no qualms about taking their parents money and feels no sense of obligation toward maintaining a bare minimum of contact. </p>

<p>We will be requiring a five minute Sunday phone call from our son when he goes off to college next year. Just as he has no real obligation to call us, we have no real obligation to pay for his college. He will be 18 next week and an adult. My parents did not pay for my college, I took out loans to go to school. We are paying for his college because we can afford to and want to give him the best opportunities but we do expect certain things: namely decent grades, a weekly phone call and that he behaves within the letter of the law (ie, if he’s out underage drinking and gets caught, he may lose his funding from us).</p>

<p>I know many, many kids in college right now whose parents can or won’t pay for their kids college education. Those who do have the privilege of going to college on their parent’s dime should at least show a modicum of appreciation for the fact that their parents are making their lives a lot easier. I don’t need to have my son gush about his gratitude but I do want the peace of mind of knowing he is alright.</p>

<p>While I generally agree that giving should be done without ‘strings’, I also think that well-brought up people should show gratitude when given a gift. There are few gifts bigger in life than a college education. I don’t think a 5 minute check-in call once a week is too much to ask. JMHO.</p>

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<p>Debbie, I completely agree with your last paragraph. I think people SHOULD show gratitude and SHOULD make an effort when someone is helping them AND when you want to maintain a relationship.</p>

<p>While I don’t want to force my son to be more chatty than he is, I also think my role as a parent isn’t over…and this is an opportunity to learn something. He has a problem (in general) with being grateful.</p>

<p>He is a terrific, wonderful kid. He won a full-ride scholarship and it costs us nothing to send him to school. He is proud that he is independent–>except he wants that spending money. I am happy to give it to him, he worked hard for that scholarship and saved us thousands in tuition/expenses. But I want some contact.</p>

<p>I don’t think I am out of line asking for the contact. Just wondering if I am out of line mentioning the money angle if the plain ol’ plea for a phone call doesn’t work.</p>

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<p>Just before DD left for her sophomore year of college, she told me to call her once in a while because during her freshman year she felt like I was always too busy to talk when she called me, lol.</p>

<p>During DS’s college orientation, one of the administrators told us that parents get frustrated because kids don’t call home. She said in her experience they call home when they have a problem but they don’t call when things are going great because they are out enjoying the experience of being in college. I like that description.</p>

<p>For me, calling home once a week on Sunday was my routine with my parents. I recognize that things are different now and I don’t expect that from my kids. D calls and texts several times a week (sometimes several times a day). I expect I’ll hear from S less but I know he’ll text or call or chat with me occasionally.</p>

<p>It’s all good…they are adults and I want them to be who they are and live, grow and thrive in their own manner. They know I cherish them and that I expect them to work hard and live well.</p>

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<p>Well, dont EVER talk money with your kid. makes him feel uncomfortable. Its something i noticed a lot in 2nd Generation & above North Americans, they bug the cr*p out of the kids over money. “I spent $X dollars on bla bla bla bla”, makes him resent asking you for help! </p>

<p>You should call him a couple of times (make sure its after class hours), if he doesnt pick up, E-mail him. Tell him how much you guys care about him, and just want to hear his vocie to make sure hes fine. If you really want to know how his finances are going, just ask him if its enough for him, where hes been spending it. </p>

<p>hope that helps</p>

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<p>“Debbie, I completely agree with your last paragraph. I think people SHOULD show gratitude and SHOULD make an effort when someone is helping them AND when you want to maintain a relationship”</p>

<p>I don’t think that kids need to call or communicate once a week for me to feel that I have a relationship with them. I’m not saying that you believe that either, but I do think that one can maintain a relationship without having as frequent communication as some parents here feel is important. I do think that particularly college is a time for our kids to spread their wings and discover themselves as adults who are able to be independent of parents, and in doing that, for many kids it’s important to communicate less than many parents here would like.</p>

<p>I think that when the kids feel comfortable being independent of us they may establish more frequent contact with us because then they are able to do that without feeling that they’re relying on us for advice or help. They’re able to communicate more as adults communicating with other adults whom they care about, not as little kids looking for parents’ approval.</p>

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<p>I completely agree. As you move into adulthood, you learn the ability to rise above and do the right thing, even if the other person is a jerk. This is part of what you teach your children:

  • You call grandma / grandpa every now and then with big news or just to say hi, even if grandma’s hitting the bottle and grandpa bores you with tales of WWII. You interact pleasantly, you express interest in their lives too, and move on.
  • When someone gives you something, you write a thank-you note and if possible, wear / use the item in front of them. I was pleasantly surprised when D received a nice handbag from her grandmother and then, the next time when we were about to see her, she made a point to change the handbag she was using to the new one “so grandma could see how much she liked it.” That’s gracious. That’s how it’s done.
  • When someone is funding your college, you still have an obligation to communicate and act civilly, and a phone call once a week is NOT outrageous, IMO. Besides, you have to learn how to have these phone calls without getting sucked into the drama. The easiest way? Be so enthusiastic over all the stuff YOU are doing that there won’t be time to get into the middle of family fights.</p>

<p>I sympathize with entertainer, but there is still a minimum level of respect you have to have to people who are funding your college.</p>

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<p>I think the one of the keys to maintaining comfortable communication is to keep conversations from becoming interrogations. Our instincts as parents is to ask lots of questions about classes, roommates, the food, etc., but I really think this can turn the kids off. Have conversations that you would normally have around the dinner table. Discuss books, sports, music, politics, whatever interests your family. Check the college’s calendar of events to get a feel of what is happening in your student’s life and then incorporate it into your discussions. Let the kids know what is going on in your life independent of “mom” duties. It’s cliche, but if you keep the kids involved in your life, chances are they will keep you involved in theirs.</p>

<p>In the beginning, I would drop everything when one of the kids called not wanting to deter them. I would also never be the one to end the conversation, let them talk as long as they want. We have become very good texters and it is a great way to stay in touch without making time for a long conversation. These are your kids, don’t be afraid of them and walk on eggshells. If you want to talk to them, call or text “call me when you’re free”. Don’t be a nusiance but expecting a response is not unreasonable. The kids are still part of your family. Independent does not mean disconnected. Try to keep communication as natural a process as possible. No big expectations, just a nice easy flow.</p>

<p>My kids have grown up seeing me talk to my parents or one of my sisters for a few minutes almost daily. It’s a very natural pattern that my kids have continued. Every family is different and will be comfortable with different levels of contact. Don’t stop working to find what works for your family.</p>

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<p>For me, it isn’t even really tied to the funding of the education, though I see the point of that too. But maintaining communication with us as parents is an expectation I would have even if I were not funding the education (though we have) or in the case of one of my kids, now that she has graduated college and is supporting herself. I admit that my kids want to call home and I don’t believe they see it as an obligation. But still, it is an expectation I have. I also expect them to call their grandparents regularly who have treated them very well too. And they do. My kids enjoy calling home to call us with their latest news and happenings. My kids are very independent (have not lived in the home year round since graduating high school and one even started college at 16). One has traveled a great deal overseas and has lived overseas four times during her educational years. So, there is NO homesickness whatsoever involved, or no huge dependency or not looking for us to solve their problems. They know we like updates and being in touch. They also know that if they travel out of town (or out of the country), they are to call upon arrival at each destination and when they got back to their home base. Why? I need peace of mind and they do this out of respect for me, not because they are not independent. </p>

<p>I agree with someone else about “giving back” and I don’t just mean the fact that we have paid for this or that but because we “give” to them and we want them to stay in touch and they know it. But I don’t think they feel obligated as I do believe they call often because they want to. We have no “weekly phone appointments”. I rarely call them as I want the call to be at a time that is convenient for them and I know how busy they are. It is not hard to fit in a call home. My younger one, who lives in NYC, makes a lot of her calls while walking to things in fact. Some calls are on the brief side. She did call the other day for a longer chat but many are not that long. I don’t have cell service or text messaging where I live. We have some emails but those are not “news” but more something quick or logical or something of that sort. And I truly do believe that their calls are ones they WANT to make even if we expect them to stay in touch. For example, D came out of an audition for a National Tour the other day and when she got out, she chose to call home to tell me about it as she knew I’d be interested and it is not the type of thing she might go around telling a friend. Like when my kids have won some scholarships or been selected for something, they are in a rush to call to tell us but would not tell that to a friend as it comes across as bragging. In fact, older D who was working in Europe this summer, called me in the middle of the night (something she NEVER would do due to the time difference) but she could not contain her excitement when she received an email from her grad school of a very large fellowship she had won and she just felt she had to tell us. </p>

<p>I understand for the OP and for some parents of boys as well, perhaps the kids don’t want to call home in the way my girls do. But I think it is perfectly reasonable to set up an expectation that they call home regularly…whatever seems reasonable to you…once a week? twice a week? I would not tie it to the financing of the education so much. I would explain how we are still interested in their well being and feel better when they check in from time to time and also are dying to hear news in their life. And when parents do things for their kids, it is fair to ask them to give back and if the thing you want is a regular phone call, I’d make that very clear. It can’t be a one way street. </p>

<p>This even came up as a “joke” with my 20 year old this weekend. She is applying for a grant that is prestigious and she is younger and less experienced than those who typically win it and she had to prepare a curriculum vitae as part of the application process and while she has two resumes, this was a third version that was a little different and she knows I help kids with resumes as my job and she values my advice. She did a draft, sent it via email, and had me look it over and give feedback and went back and forth until final draft. She then joked with me asking me if I was sending an “invoice” for my “services”. So, I joked back that the “invoice” was to keep up the regular calls home which we enjoy.</p>

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<p>This morning at 6:30 (when I am usually in my car driving to work) and 8:30 pm D1’s time. She called me to tell me about a presentation she did for students at her residential college in Australia. She is one of few international students living at the college. I envisioned a presentation about American higher education, Politics, Economy, Racial diversity…Nope, it was about Sorority Life at her college. She talked about rush, parties, sports, formals, and their traditional Slope Day. It came complete with a slide show. She gave me blow by blow on what was said and people’s reactions. I was laughing so hard. I said, “So this presentation was all about you. Was there any cultural value to the presentation?” She said, “Yes, it just validated everything they watched on American TV. Pop culture.”</p>

<p>I have fun talking to my kids. I enjoy little things they share with me. I would miss them very much if I couldn’t be part of their lifes. Like Sooziet’s kids, they would often share things with me that they wouldn’t necessary tell their friends about. I am sure there are things they share with their friends that are inappropriate for them to tell me. </p>

<p>I also speak with my parents and siblings often. We all make a point of getting together a few times a year. It is not strange for my kids to stay in touch.</p>

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<p>Okay, I left a post on his FB. I sent the “stalker” HUG icon and a note that said “Call home! Don’t make me call security to check to see if you are alive! ;-)”</p>

<p>It will either annoy him or he will laugh. We’ll see.</p>

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<p>I am not saying this is the case with the OP, but for those of us on the asbergery/autistic spectrum- we often are lacking in appropriate social skills.</p>

<p>I think there are genetic connections, because I didn’t learn skills at home, I was never encouraged to have friends over etc & that seemed normal.</p>

<p>( I did enroll my younger daughter in a program like this summers until it closed <a href=“http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=112093546[/url]”>http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=112093546&lt;/a&gt; )</p>

<p>There is also a bit of anxiety in contacting other people, whether it is calling them on the phone or having them over- because people are unpredictable and it is hard to know what they expect.
I rarely call my older daughter who lives in another city- she will notice when I am online and she sends messages however.
While my siblings and mother live in the area, I speak to them infrequently and see them even less.
Even when my younger daughter was abroad for four months, I sent her a few packages ( of things she had requested), but I rarely attempted to get in contact with her ( until I tried & then couldn’t, after that I was frantic)</p>

<p>But while I don’t think my kids are as antisocial as I am- & I didn’t teach them any better than I was taught, they are comfortable in polite company ;), although they would rather text than talk on the phone.</p>

<p>( No worries if he lets you on his facebook- I have to check my kids phone records to see if they are alive!)</p>

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<p>Jamiecakes, you’re anticipating something that hasn’t happened yet. Being in a new environment, you may be surprised to hear from him more you think.</p>

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<p>I hope so! I can only go with what he has said to us and that he hasn’t called us yet. My friends, who also sent kids to college the same week, report they have talked to their kids several times. </p>

<p>But I really hope he calls. I miss talking to him, he is very interesting.</p>

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<p>Jamiecakes, our son is also a ‘non-communicator’ and I could totally see him not calling home for weeks at a time once he goes off to college next year. IHMO, I don’t think there is anything wrong with calling him.</p>

<p>One technique I use with our son is to text him with bits of news I think he will find interesting. He seems to like that.</p>

<p>Still, as I said in an earlier post, there is nothing wrong with requiring a weekly check-in phone call. I had dinner with a friend last night who is a child psychologist and she has also has a son going off to college next year and she said they were definitely going to be requiring a Sunday phone call. She said that despite the fact college students are now ‘on their own’; knowing they have a obligation to keep in touch with their parents really helps keeps a lot of kids grounded and gives them a sense of ‘place and security’ during a time when they are going through a lot of changes.</p>

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<p>Jamiecakes, I feel your pain. A year ago today I dropped my son (the second child) off at college and subsequently made this post on CC:

Yesterday I dropped him off for sophomore year band camp. Before leaving, I mentioned that we would appreciate hearing from him, and wondered what frequency he would consider appropriate. He responded, “I guess a couple of times a week, like last year.”
HAH! Naturally I reminded him of how things started out last year (and while they **did **get better, hearing from him more than once a week would have been a rarity); he had apparently forgotten just how remiss he had been.</p>

<p>What a difference a year makes! By the time I got home yesterday there was an e-mail asking how my return trip went, along with an attachment of a picture we had taken on his camera before sendoff. I subsequently got three more e-mails! (I like e-mails because they are less intrusive of others’ schedules and can be responded to when convenient.)</p>

<p>Anyhow, as I said last year, this is actually a VERY thoughtful and caring kid in general. I think he just did not “get” how much parents would care about hearing from him, and I had not wanted to “impose” a rule for this on him – had hoped for communication to be at *his *initiative. Now I hope he gets it.</p>

<p>His older sister (now in grad school) communicates more frequently and is somewhat more interested in sharing details of her life and also in getting feedback. </p>

<p>Anyhow, just wanted to let you know that there is hope. Do let us know when and what you hear!</p>

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<p>Jyber: Thanks for your post! I can relate, exactly. I loved your letter, too. Funny and just the right tone for someone like my son, who might laugh, might be annoyed but would get the point.</p>

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<p>^Jamiecakes, glad you enjoyed that story. </p>

<p>I do want to add that there is an “up side” to these relative non-communicators. IMO a pattern of over-involvement with parents, very frequent communication, updating the parents on every detail of lives, constantly seeking approval from parents, etc. *can *be a concern – especially when considering any future relationships with these kids’ future mates. </p>

<p>If your child has ever dated a “momma’s boy or girl” you may have some idea of what this can be like. The psychological apron strings can extend over very long distances. It is** healthy** for our kids to be making a break at this point. They should not be dependent on mom/dad’s constant support, approval, feedback, etc. At some point it is appropriate that** other** relationships become primary for our kids IMO. A healthy, but** not** obsessive/overly involved pattern of communication with the 'rents *may *be the golden mean. I am not at all sure that parents of very frequent communicators are better off in the long run, as such a pattern may really be resented/problematic re any future mates. </p>

<p>Each of my kids has had serious relationships with significant others and I am trying to put myself in a place where I can be supportive of **those **relationships being their **primary **ones. I hope their dad and I will always be very important and involved in their lives, but not THE relationships for them. </p>

<p>This may not be an issue for your son now, but I am just saying that the opposite of non-communicative may have its own “issues,” whether now or in the future. So be glad that you apparently do not have a “momma’s boy” case there. :)</p>

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<p>" I am not at all sure that parents of very frequent communicators are better off in the long run, as such a pattern may really be resented/problematic re any future mates. "</p>

<p>It’s not just a potential problem for their mates. The very frequent communicators aren’t learning to trust their own judgment and to live independent lives. These are lessons that everyone needs to learn as unless one dies prematurely, one will outlive one’s parent.</p>

<p>One of my friends (a middle aged surgeon, incidentally) was overly dependent on her mother, communicating several times a day with her mom, who lived a couple of thousand miles away. My friend’s life was truly shattered when her mom died, and in her 40s, my friend had to learn lessons about true independence that most people learn while in their late teens and early twenties.</p>

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<p>“Perhaps it was an overreaction, but I do want to send the message that he does have some obligation to communicate information and show appreciation, aside from asking for something to be done for him. This is actually a kid who is generally rather caring, helpful and supportive when at home. I know he has been in frequent touch with his friends. It will be interesting to see what reaction I get.”</p>

<p>I don’t think that yours was an overreaction. I think you handled the situation well – making your point with humor and love.</p>