My UCLA appeal. Please read~

Transfer Students UC Transfers
1

<p>i know its long but, feedback will be greatly appreciated! along with this, i sent a doctors note stating my mom's health (and a major surgery, which i didnt mention in hte letter itself) and my acceptance to the honors program.. and a transcript.</p>

<p>To Whom It May Concern:</p>

<p>I applied to UCLA as a transfer student for fall 2009 under the Business Economics major, but was regretfully denied admission. I wish to appeal this decision of the university by bringing to light new information that I have to share. </p>

<p>I began my college career at Purdue University, under the Krannert School of Management, and was given the opportunity to be a part of a good business program. I definitely enjoyed the challenge that program brought upon me, but to my dismay, within the first month of my college, a tragic event happened within our family. Suddenly, three members of our family had passed away; this included my mother’s mom and her two uncles. This event struck my mom in a very negative way. She was shattered by it, as these people were supporting her to handle the responsibilities that came with being a single mother after my father passed away a few years earlier. </p>

<p>My mother’s mental and physical health deteriorated; she would go through nervous breakdowns, panic attacks, and faced severe depression. She was unable to take care of herself, and my ten year old sister felt incapable of complying with her health. I took more than four trips back and forth during the semester to take care of her, but nothing seemed to work. Apart from my mother’s health, my absences from school took a toll on my grades. As the end of the semester neared, I decided to sacrifice my studies and move back home for the betterment of my mother. Although she was very upset at my decision to move from a first tier university to a third tier university, it was a personal choice that I wanted to make for her. I had already lost my father, and was not ready to lose her as well. </p>

<p>Once I moved back second semester, I decided to stay at home and commute three hours a day to and from school. I would work, take care of my sister, attend to daily duties within the house, just to make sure that my mother didn’t feel burdened in anyway. Even through all the responsibilities, I pushed myself to get a 3.44 during that semester. I tried my best during my first year of college, but given my conditions, I had to chose between my education or family, and I decided to chose my family. I knew the toll it would make on my future, but I didn’t care, as family means more to be than anything.</p>

<p>With my mother fully recovered over the summer, I finally got a chance to give my all to my future and goals. I moved on campus, and began working two jobs, and even became a TA for two months for an MBA Info Systems course. I became a mentor for young elementary school girls, receiving the title of an Assistant Basketball Coach. I pushed myself as hard as I could, and began to see my efforts paying off with a 3.82 GPA and an invitation to the Honors Cohort program of the Business School. The Business Honors Cohort Program only gave 30 students out of each graduating class a chance to take honors level courses. I was thrilled to receive my invitation, and then my acceptance letter in early April. Selection was based on GPA, courses, letters’ of recommendations, essays and three interviews. Only students with an overall GPA of over 3.5 were sent the invitation, and the program was invitation only. I was fortunate to get accepted into the program, as I feel it shows my strength and my want to succeed in life.</p>

<p>Although USF holds a decent Business Program, I feel it is not challenging enough for me. I wish to go to one of the top law schools of the country, and study Corporate Law. I feel I require a strong undergraduate base in order to achieve that. I want to minor in Political Science, but my current university does not offer that major or minor. That is one of my major reasons for wanting to transfer because I feel that being at this university, I am only being driven away from my goals, since the courses I wish to take are not offered here. I feel UCLA will be able to give me the challenge I want and need in order to be successful. I know the strength of the Business Economics, as well as the Political Science program of the school, and wish to be a part of them. I have also heard a lot about of UCLA Pre-law Society.</p>

<p>I realize the importance of having prerequisites done in order to transfer to UCLA, but I could not successfully complete the Calculus II requirement. By the time I was assured that my mother’s health was at a good point, it was too late to sign up for a Calculus I class as all were full. I knew this would be to a big disadvantage to me, but I didn’t want to lose my chance of at least trying. I plan on taking Calculus II, along with a Political Science perquisite course over the summer so I can be caught up.</p>

<p>I hope that UCLA can look at the depth of my desire to achieve my goals through my accomplishments in the second year of college. Although life can be very unpredictable, I am ready to face my challenges and win them. I expect nothing less from myself in terms of success over the next two years of my college career, and I hope UCLA can see that in me as well.</p>

<p>I look forward to hearing from UCLA, and hopefully be a part of this university in the future.</p>

2

<p>I believe its a pretty strong case, good luck with everything</p>

3

<p>It’s well-written, however, I have a suggestion.</p>

<p>I knew this would be to a big disadvantage to me</p>

<p>instead, consider: I knew this would be disadvantageous to me</p>

<p>And also, obviously, address it to the proper person or title when you find out who that may be.</p>

4

<p>take this as the CONSTRUCTIVE criticism your friends won’t give you:</p>

<p>the story is easily sympathetic – a good thing – but the structure is flawed, and it really just isn’t written very well. there are two or three times where you repeat yourself almost verbatim, and other grammatical errors can be found here and there - ie, you don’t ‘win’ a challenge… you ‘overcome’ a challenge. also, “my ten year old sister felt incapable of complying with her health.” i’m not really even sure what that means… and there’s also a misplaced modifier in there (among other places in the essay). </p>

<p>again, the story is touching… but if you want to be taken seriously, i feel like you’ll need to get someone to clean up the minutia. </p>

<p>do you have an english professor who would be willing to sit down with you for half an hour? </p>

<p>if not, maybe just walk into random office hours and plead your case to professors you don’t know. </p>

<p>good luck.</p>

5

<p>Peppamintt, aren’t you also appealing for UCSB? Did all the UC’s deny you simply because you had 55 units instead of 60? If so, that’s a shame! =(</p>

6

<p>pinker… i had a clean written out response that wasn’t so “personal” but i took it to my uncle (reads appeal for the UCs) so this is the draft he made for me. he said, people often try to make it too complicated, when if it is as simple as this, state it that way. the more personal it is, the closer the reader than relate.</p>

<p>and cougars… not all, just ucsb</p>

<p>ucla i was rejected b/c i didnt have calc 2 done (i called and they said if i had calc 2 done, i was a sure acceptance) and plus, i got into UCI =)</p>

7

<p>Wow, for the first time, I agree with Pinker. </p>

<p>I found a few grammatical errors and unnecessary phrases as well. Pinker highlights most of them and I’m sure if you get more people to read this, they’ll be able to point it out as well.</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

8

<p>Instead of planning to take calculus 2 and the prereq.
Why dont you say that i have already enrolled myself in calc2 and the prereq.
Frame it the way you like it
:slight_smile:
Strong appeal, i am sure ill bump into you @ ucla</p>

9

<p>@ peppamint… i’m not saying dress it up with obnoxious verbosity… there are just rules of grammar that you haven’t adhered to, and you get repetitive and confusing at times. </p>

<p>trust me… there are things you’ll want to change before sending this in, and those things won’t detract from that personal feel.</p>

<ul>
<li>if your uncle tinkered with your original and THAT was the result… well, i dunno…</li>
</ul>

10

<p>I agree with pinker and chibi-- you need to rewrite and restructure the appeal. It’s not written very well, there are a lot of errors in the grammar, the structure of various sentences could be better, and I think you beat around the bush too much. I am trying to cram for an exam but if and when I have time I can re-read it and tell you where the flaws are specifically. </p>

<p>And I suspect that since you asked for feedback here, you don’t trust your uncle or his credentials entirely. I mean, if he reads appeals for the UCs, he would obviously know better than any of us.</p>

11

<p>no no i understand that completely… i think i mistook what u said. thanks for all the feedback though. this is just a basic draft of it thati wrote myself</p>

<p>the edited one i already sent it, (i can assure u theres no problems in it) i got it reviewed by 7 people</p>

12

<p>what??</p>

<p>so you’ve already sent the final draft… but decided to post the rough copy for us to read and critique? </p>

<p>i repeat… what?</p>

13

<p>You already sent it? Reading that honestly gave me a fright. Could you post the edited one? I don’t understand why you’re posting something that’s completely irrelevant to your appeal and its potential approval (or disapproval). If this isn’t what you sent in, why are we wasting our time?</p>

14

<p>Dammit Pinker…you always beat me by a few seconds on every single one of my thoughts. I think I should cease to capitalize so that I can save myself some time.</p>

15

<p>I’m confused as well. </p>

<p>Btw, what were your stats?</p>

16

<p>just a few things… i’ve never written an appeal and don’t exactly know what they’re looking for besides new info, so i can’t say how strong it is, but i like it :slight_smile: good luck!!</p>

<p>“but I didn’t care, as family means more to be than anything.”
-me*</p>

<p>“along with a Political Science perquisite course over the summer so I can be caught up.”
-you might want to reword the last part, it sounds a bit weird… this summer so i am more fully prepared? or… to ensure that i am completely caught up?</p>

<p>“as well as the Political Science program of the school, and wish to be a part of them. I have also heard a lot about of UCLA Pre-law Society.”
-you may wish to be apart of them, but so do many others… instead of telling them you wish this, tell them you have the qualities necessary to succeed in these disciplines. play up your strengths with confidence
also, talk about why you’re interested in the pre-law society. at least more than you’ve “heard a lot about it”</p>

17

<p>Funny. Seven different people posted on the thread before Peppamint reassured us with the fact that seven people had already reviewed the appeal he DID send in. Call me Freudian, but that’s too coincidental. I am guessing the subconscious kicked in in the fabrication of that untruth.</p>

18

<p>i didnt want to edit it grammatically, i just wanted to edit it with the basis of the content!! im sorry guys, if i steered uthe wrong way. it wasnt about the grammer/edits,… but mostly if the main points i stated, if they made sense or not…</p>

<p>sorry</p>

19

<p>And why is political science capitalized?</p>

20

<p>If you already sent a revised version of this paper, why the HELL are you wasting our time!? All of us are finishing up our last semester at college and could better manage our free time!! </p>

<p>Or is it just that you’re embarrassed by the comments?</p>