NCSSM Adimission essay

[oaktree]

<p>um i'm applying for NCSSM and had to write an essay
Directions:
Write an essay about yourself, describing the special abilities, skills, and experiences that qualify you for admission. Be sure to describe the contributions you will make to the school and how both the academic and residential experience will enhance your development as a scholar and as a person.</p>

<p>\okay and this is the my Essay plz feel free to ciriticize it.</p>

<pre><code>In order to introduce myself I have to go back to the date July 24, 2001. At about 7 p.m. in the Greensboro Airport, I took my first step in the new country.
My parents said that moving to United States of America was through the guidance of God. Like the Puritans of Mayflower and other immigrants during the colonial time, my family is in the history of immigration. Currently my family lives in a small but growing town called Kernersville.
Two weeks after my arrival to the new country, I enrolled in an Elementary School named Sedge Garden as a fifth grader. Taking both ESL class and normal language art class, I was able to do my own homework without help in about 6 months. In the EOG test I was able to get a high math score and was assigned to advance classes in middle school. Although I was supposed to be in advanced Mathematics class only, I was put into advanced Language Art class because the two teachers per team system. The advanced Language Art class was tough, because I had only one year experience of English. I did my best, and achieved A’s and B’s in that class. Since then, I have got straight A’s since 8th grade. And almost straight A’s in 7th grade (I got an AB in keyboarding). Even if I’m put in a difficult situation, I will not give up and will do all I can to achieve an outstanding result.
I do not have many extracurricular activities. Because of this I had some time to spend with my family. Having moved to a 50 years old house, there was a lot of work to do. Consequently, these repair works took most of my none-curricular time, including the summer. The major repair works were the fixing heating system which had a burner that leaked harmful gases from its burning chamber, replacing water heater, and improving the plumbing pipe works. After all the repairs, my Dad and I decided to make a garage out of the 30 to 40 feet tall trees in the backyard. Using our newly bought sawmill we made lumbers out of the trees on our backyard. During the work there have been a lot of problems. Some of them were moving trees, broken engines, and reinforcing sawmill frames. We did not give up because of these problems, but we worked to overcome them. We made a crane using the bike rack to move the trees, disassembled and fixed engines, and used steel L-bars to reinforce the sawmill frames.
On my other none-curricular time, I’ve went to retreats, and my church youth group camping. During the camping trip I’ve ran a 4 hour race, cliff jumped, and rappelled down a 90 feet tall cliff. Although I was scared at first, I did not let that stop me. I trusted in God and accomplished the activities. Above all, during the four day camping I had great time fellowshipping, and helping out the other youths in need. One time when we ere kayaking, I helped other youths whose kayaks flipped over. I paddled one kid to the shore, and even flipped over my self in order to get one kid back on the kayak and had to tow my kayak 100 feet to the shore.
When I was young, my father encouraged me and worked with me to build remote control cars, and tanks. He also encouraged me to work with computers. Because of these experiences my dream was to become a scientist who invents robots. In my years in United States, learning a new language, I’ve forgot my dream to until my parents told me of NCSSM two years ago. Now my dream of becoming a scientist who invents robot has returned, and I’ve asked God if this dream will become my vision.
My parents, who are deeply faithful, told me that the beginning and the end is in God’s hands, and that we have to do our best and leave rest to God. As I read the bible and spiritually grow, I found out that scientists do not create or invent. They just discover what God has given to them. Even Alfred Bernhard Nobel’s dynamite or even Albert Einstein’s theory that led to nuclear power was just a discovery of the God’s work.
However; people have used these discoveries granted by God in malicious ways. People have used dynamites for personal gains, in process killing many people and themselves. Also countries have and are using the nuclear power as a weapon for their own gains. These acts are the reason why I’ll strive to use my God given abilities, knowledge, and wisdom to glorify God. Glorifying God includes loving others, because loving others as Jesus has loved me is one of the great commandments of God.
I am a seed with a dream. I do not know what kind of fruit I’ll produce, but I’ll pursue the God given Wisdom and Knowledge, and use them to glorify God. And I hope that I will make the life in NCSSM the first step in my journey to my goal.
I also think that the reason that this country, formed of immigrants, has become so successful is that the people had the determination to develop and had contributed to each other out of love. So if I get accepted, I will also be determined to develop myself and make contributions to other out of love.
My mom said, “If you have done your best, but still face great difficulties, don’t give up, its just a part of the God’s plan to teach you to use you in His grand plan”. So no matter what I face in the future, I will do my best to become a scientist of the Love who glorifies God.
</code></pre>

[prettyckitty]

<p>As with all essays, it has strengths and weaknesses. A few thoughts:</p>

<p>~You do cover one of the most important aspects: you answered the question. The essay gives a very detailed report of your life, which is important for the schools to know. Definite plus.</p>

<p>~A weakness of it, in my opinion, is that it is kind of generic. Not the events, of course (quite interesting), but the writing itself. If you are generally an excellent writer and are, like myself, struggling to fit everything you want into a word-limited essay, but think you can make up for it with your SSAT essay, then don't worry much. But, as you put a lot of emphasis on the sciences, you might want to work on that.</p>

<p>~This is neither a critizism nor a compliment, but you do focus a lot on God, and your devotion. This is fine, just so long as you want the schools to focus on how devoted you are to your religion, and for them to see it as a main aspect of you--not just spiritually, but academically and "extracurricularly" (sorry, I know that's not a word, but you get the idea). I don't know what NCSSM is, so I don't know how this affects your application, but keep it in mind. It sounds like the impression you want to make, though.</p>

<p>Overall, I would suggest a little more editing to make it sound more sophisticated and a higher quality of writing, but you make the basic points you want to make.</p>

[sannibel]

<p>Hi, here's my opinion, for what it's worth. I enjoyed reading your essay and wish you well with your application. I would say that it is crucial that you get your current English teacher, or another trusted teacher to look over your essay. While it is quite inspiring, I think there are numerous grammatical and usage errors. Maybe I was taught a more formal writing style, but for instance, we were told never to use contractions in our assignments, never start a sentence with the word "and," etc. Please make sure your writing is clean before submitting this essay. Also, leave out any negative statements about yourself; don't say "I do not have many extracurricular activities," just tell them how you do use your extra time. Again, best wishes.</p>

[naoka]

<p>For those who are unfamiliar, NCSSM is the North Carolina School of Science and Math, a public boarding school in Durham, NC. It's one of the most prestigious magnet schools in the country.</p>

<p>Despite the fact that NCSSM is a magnet for NC's best math and science students, you should be careful not to overemphasize math and science. I know many NCSSM graduates, and most of them did not end up pursuing math and science careers. Instead of going places like MIT or Caltech or Cornell, they went to Swarthmore, Georgetown, Duke, etc. They're now in graduate programs ranging from linguistics to law school. From what they describe about their high school experiences, it sounds like NCSSM is actually a very well-rounded academic community with strengths in the arts and humanities as well as math and science. While you should make it clear that you excell in math and science, and that you intend to pursue a career in those areas, you should also try to draw attention to how well-rounded you are. Do you have a funny hobby? A passion for art or music to go along with your interest in math and science?</p>

<p>I don't think the essay's emphasis on God is a bad thing. It gives it a coherence that it might otherwise lack, and tells them something about you that they can't already tell from your presumably perfect test scores and GPA. The fact is, almost everyone applying to NCSSM has perfect test scores and a perfect GPA--that is why their teachers encouraged them to apply. Three of my siblings have applied to (and two attended) IMSA in Illinois, which is a very similar school. Next time we talk I'll ask them what they wrote in their admissions essays. </p>

<p>Good luck! NCSSM is a fine school, and it seems to have graduated some truly interesting people.</p>

[oaktree]

<p>Thank you</p>

<p>I am going to send this essay to my English teacher</p>

<p>and i'll put something about my orchestra experiences.</p>

<p>I would love to see other admissions essays naoka</p>

<p>I'm not a good writer so, how exactly would i not use "and" at the begining of the sentence but still keep the idea flowing? Should i use "also"?</p>

<p>Thank you again!</p>

<p>p.s. more ciriticizing is welcomed!!</p>

[oaktree]

<p>Along with this essay i had to list my achievements and interests:</p>

<p>*Awards, Certificates, Projects, and Recognitions:
*Extracurricular, Community Service and Volunteer Activities (Both in-school and out-of-school):
*Leadership Positions and Activities:
*Technology, Computer Experience:
*Other Interests, Talents, Hobbies:
*Extenuating Circumstances: ( if applicable ) </p>

<p>Considering these would it be fine if i talk about above in my Essay or would be better if i leave them out and write about my Heart and mind rather than my accomplishments?</p>

<p>Also i have plenty of space to write more
the limit was 12 KB in txt form and mine is only 5KB</p>

[prettyckitty]

<p>I envy you, oaktree. One one of my essays, I had to cut it down by about 25%, and it was still a little over the limit.
Thanks for saying what the school is. Sounds very interesting.</p>

[B0BBERS]

<p>Congrats on your decesion in applying to NCSSM. My son for the past year and a half said he wanted to apply, started the process and all of a sudden he decided he didnt want to go. I know deep in my heart that he really wants to go, but something is holding him back and he wont tell me (friends etc). As I am disappointed that my son didnt pursue this, I did not let him know. He is second in his class, straight A student. </p>

<p>I have heard great things about this school. I wish you the best of luck and I hope that you get accepted. Its an honor to be chosen and tough competition. Like you, my son has a passion for music. I think that you should include that somehow in your essay.</p>

<p>Best of luck and let us know how you are doing in the process of achieving your goal.</p>

[paleozoic]

<p>I have some reservations about commenting on an admissions essay since there are too many ghost written essays floating around already. That being said, two or three generic comments on this essay. </p>

<p>You were asked to tell the admissions committee what it is about you and your special experiences that qualifies you for admission to a residential community. Presumably, everybody who applies to this NCSSM is pretty good in elementary mathematics and science, so they need to know what distinguishes you from the pack.</p>

<p>You attacked this essential question by referring to your immigrant experience and your Christian conviction. There is nothing wrong with this approach. In your particular case there are significant problems in how you developed the theme. Normally in writing an essay there are three crucial steps--1. an opening paragraph in which you "tell them what you're going to tell them", 2 a body (consisting, say of 3-4 paragraphs, in which you "tell them", and a concluding paragraph in which you "tell them what you told them". </p>

<p>From my perspective it is the lack of a paragraph structure that makes your essay, purely as an essay, quite weak. On top of that you have numerous run-on sentences and grammatical errors which you simply have to correct before the essay is handed in. </p>

<p>I would suggest, you rework the opening paragraph and split up the very long third paragraph. Disentangle the two themes of immigrant determination to make the most of your opportunity and your academic/intellectual ambition to do science/mathematics as a way of re-thinking God's thoughts. (This is a perfectly legitimate approach to cosmology and theoretical physics but it needs a bit more sophisticated treatment than you have given it. Maybe refer to unified field or string theory to contextualize the Christian conviction that shines through your essay.) Sum everything up in a concluding paragraph.</p>

<p>Good luck</p>

[sannibel]

<p>Hi again, I really don't know exactly what to tell you about how to avoid using "and" to begin a sentence. Using "also" is probably not the best solution, but may be appropriate sometimes. I guess I tend to try to combine the two similar thoughts into one sentence, sometimes using a semicolon, but maybe then the sentences get too long and complex. Some of your sentences just need to be rewritten so the flow is better, and that's why I think your teachers will really help! Good luck!</p>

[paleozoic]

<p>The other golden rule of composition is "one idea per sentence, one thought per paragraph". The problem with the essay as it stand is that everything is thrown pell-mell into the third paragraph. Oaktree simply has to clarify his thinking. I agree that most if not all the grammatical errors are related to syntax and he or she needs to rewrite the run-on sentences to improve both the thinking and the syntax. He needs an old fashioned school teacher to give him guidance as to how to do this. It is not hard but it does presuppose that the teacher him or herself is literate. Maybe sannibel could offer to proofread his next effort.</p>

[oaktree]

<p>Ummm... pelozoic currently i'm trying to put my essay in the essay format that you told me earlier.</p>

<p>But i don't know which paragraph you mean by third paragraph, tell me what sentence starts off the paragraph plz.</p>

<p>when i was copying over to the post the tabs disappeared so you might not able to tell where paragraph starts and ends.</p>

<p>and i wanted to edit the first post to fix the tabs but it did not allow me
sorry.</p>

<p>for clarification i'll state which is the start and end of each paragraph.</p>

<p>P1 = In order to ~ new country
P2 = My parents said ~ called Kernersville
P3 = Two weeks after ~ outstanding result
P4 = I do not have many ~ sawmill frames
P5 = On my other none-curricular ~ 100 feet to the shore
P6 = When i was young ~ become my vision
P7 = My parents, who are ~ the God's work
P8 = However, people have ~ commandment of God
P9 = I am a seed ~ jouney to my goal
P10 = I also think ~ out of love
P11 = My mom said ~ who glorifies God</p>

<p>hope these helps!!</p>

<p>p.s. working on the revised essay</p>

[paleozoic]

<p>oaktree: As an exercise in editing, I put your original essay back into its original paragraph structure and without changing the content very much pruned it down and corrected the most obvious grammatical errors (of which there were many). Your original version had 11 paragraphs , 54 sentences and 974 word. My version has 10 paragraphs, 43 sentences and 829 words.</p>

<p>Now that I have your pruned essay in front of me, I note you have a rather good opening paragraph which tells the reader you and your family recaptures the original American dream of the puritan colonists. This dream was a combination of America as a vision of God's City on a Hill and success through hard work.</p>

<p>The next few paragraphs develop that theme a little. I could quibble about the balance between your family's efforts to establish themselves and your efforts to educate yourself, but on balance it more or less works.</p>

<p>The crucial theme is of course how your dad had encouraged you to build robots, how you lost that dream in collectively building your house, and how you recovered it by the prospect of going to NCSSM. So far so good.</p>

<p>You then close with a (to me anyway) rather inspirational statement of wanting to become a scientist who wants to use science for a common good end rather than for war. The best bit is how you relate that thought to your Christian conviction that ultimately science is rethinking the thought of God. </p>

<p>I think on balance your essay is fine for its intended audience and purpose. Just edit it down, take out the redundancies and stay to a clear story line. I'm not sure that you'll be able to find a teacher to help with the editing and I feel quite strongly that your school owes you much more consistent criticism on your writing than you seem to have gotten.</p>

<p>If I were you, I would worry more about my writing skills than about getting into NCSSM. I was once in exactly your position, an immigrant kid relatively shaky in English. I lucked out in that I had a ferocious Irish nun beating grammar and the fundamentals of English literature into me. You seem to have lost out on that thus finding yourself at sixteen rather far behind in the race. So (here I do my Irish nun impression)get with the programme: rewrite your essay until your fingers bleed, read three books a week and in one or two years time send your reworked essay to Davidson College in support of your application for a Belk scholarship. (Davidson is the best liberal arts college in the South. They will love your spiritual conviction and your determination to become a first class scientist). Good luck</p>

[oaktree]

<p>This is my revised essay, using the advices from past member of NCSSM and from this thread. Excluding the peolozoic's last post. since i wrote it before i read his post. Sorry i did not see your last post so I revised (mostly added) my first paragraph.
And i also answered the last 2 part of the question that i forgot in my previous essay (doh!): </p>

<p>"Be sure to describe the contributions you will make to the school and how both the academic and residential experience will enhance your development as a scholar and as a person." (at least to some degree)</p>

<pre><code> At about 7 p.m. July 24, 2001 in the Greensboro Airport, I took my first step in the new country. My parents said that moving to United States was through the guidance of God. Like the Puritans of Mayflower and other immigrants during the colonial time, my family is in the history of immigration. Currently my family lives in a small but growing town called Kernersville. Like the most immigrants, I have faced hardships. Whether the hardship was academic or work related, I did not give up, but worked to overcome them. So whatever hardships I face in the future, I will not give up but overcome them to reach my goal.
Two weeks after my arrival to the new country, I enrolled in an Elementary School named Sedge Garden as a fifth grader. Taking both ESL class and normal language art class, I was able to do my own homework without help in about 6 months. In the fifth grade EOG test I was able to get a high math score and was assigned to advance classes in middle school. Although I was supposed to be placed into the advanced Mathematics class only, I was placed in the advanced Language Arts class because there was a two teachers per team system in that middle school. The advanced Language Arts class was difficult, but I gave my earnest effort and achieved A’s and B’s in that class. Since then, I have gotten straight A’s since 7th grade. Even if I am placed in a difficult situation, I will not give up and will do all I can to achieve an outstanding result.
About a year ago we moved from a small apartment to a 50 years old house. Consequently, the repair works took most of my extracurricular time, including the summer. The major repair works were fixing the heating system which had a burner that leaked harmful gases from its burning chamber, replacing water heater, and improving the plumbing. Additionally to the repairs, my Dad and I decided to make a garage out of the 40 to 50 feet tall trees in the backyard. Using our newly bought sawmill we made lumbers out of the trees. During the work there have been a lot of problems. Some of them were moving heavy trees, fixing engines, and reinforcing sawmill frames. My dad and I did not give up because of these problems; instead we worked to overcome them. We made a crane using the bike rack to move the trees, disassembled and fixed engines, and used steel L-bars to reinforce the sawmill frames.
During the rest of my extracurricular time, I went to retreats and my church’s youth group camping trip. During the camping trip I ran a 4 hour race, cliff jumped, and rappelled down a 90 feet tall cliff. Although I was scared at first, I did not let that stop me. I trusted in God and accomplished the activities. Above all, during the four days camping I had great time fellowshipping, and helping out the other youths in need. One time when we were kayaking, I helped other youths whose kayaks had flipped over. I paddled one kid to the shore, and flipped over my self in order to get one kid back on the kayak, which caused me to tow my kayak 100 feet to the shore.
My dream was formed during my early years. My father encouraged me and worked with me to build remote control cars and tanks. He also encouraged me to work with computers. These encouragements and activities formed my dream to become a scientist who invents robots. In my years in United States learning a new language, I forgot about my dream until my parents told me of NCSSM two years ago. Now my dream of becoming a scientist who invents automata has returned, and I have asked God if this dream will become my vision.
My parents, who are deeply faithful, told me that the beginning and the end is in God’s hands, and that we have to do our best and leave rest to God. As I read the bible and grow spiritually, I have come to see that scientists do not create or invent, they just discover what God has given to them. Even Alfred Bernhard Nobel’s dynamite or even Albert Einstein’s theory that led to nuclear power was just a discovery of the God’s work.
However, people have used these discoveries granted by God in malicious ways. People have used dynamites for personal gains, and in the process killed many people and even themselves. Also countries have and are using the nuclear power as a weapon for their own gains. These acts are what compel me to use my God given abilities, knowledge and wisdom, to glorify God. Glorifying God includes loving others, because loving others as Jesus has loved me is one of the great commandments of God.
I am a seed with a dream. I do not know what kind of fruit I will produce, but I will pursue the God given wisdom and knowledge, and use them to glorify God. And I hope that the challenging but outstanding teaching programs in NCSSM will accelerate my learning of the God given wisdom and knowledge to achieve my goal.
I also think that the reason that this country, formed of immigrants, has become so successful is that the people had the determination to develop and had contributed to each other out of love. Like the immigrants I will also contribute to the members of NCSSM physically, mentally and spiritually. In the past I could not participate in many activities, because I did not have ride. My Mom was unlicensed and my Dad was at work. Although I lacked ¡°feet,¡± I managed to participate in nursing home ministries and in AMEC tutoring. I was able to participate in monthly nursing home ministry, because my church was 20 minute walk away from my new house. My church members and I go to a local nursing home and worship God with the elderly, and company the elderly. After the ministry we gather in our church and discuss the blessings we received from this ministry. I also decided to tutor other students in mathematics on every Tuesdays and Thursdays before school, because I get dropped off at school early.
If I get accepted, my lack of ¡°feet¡± will no longer matter because of the concentrated residential life. So I will participate in activities and clubs that will benefit the members of the NCSSM community. The residential experience might also help me to be more gregarious and not shy as I have been. Also living in a community with contributing members could greatly help me in my hours of academic need.
My mom said, ¡°If you have done your best, but still face great difficulties, don’t give up, its just a part of the God’s plan to teach you to use you in His grand plan¡±. So no matter what I face in the future, I will do my best to become a scientist of the God given Love, wisdom and knowledge, who glorifies God.
</code></pre>

<p>Also pelozoic, you are right i did not had much of writing practice. And nobody actually told me of grammar rules and gave me practices. Even if somebody did, i probably was not near the langauage level to comprehend them. And also you are right again that i need to focuse on improving my writing skills. But giving up NCSSM is not a choice. I have done too many things to give up now. Anyways i can improve my writing skills in NCSSM also.</p>

<p>I've lost interest in reading. In the past i read mostly science fiction or other fictions, but lost interest. Found no meaning on reading fiction. Since then i got into reading the Bible more.
If you have any books that you recommend please do. I also need massive improvement on vocabulary. I just lack vocabulary to do well in writing and reading part on the SAT(which is also goint to be sent to NCSSM, along with transcript, recomendation letters, and evaluation letters from teachers).</p>

<p>Well, Thank you all again.</p>

[oaktree]

<p>This is my revised essay, using the advices from past member of NCSSM and from this thread. Excluding the peolozoic's last post. since i wrote it before i read his post. Sorry i did not see your last post so I revised (mostly added) my first paragraph.
And i also answered the last 2 part of the question that i forgot in my previous essay (doh!):
( the * starts a paragraph)</p>

<p>"Be sure to describe the contributions you will make to the school and how both the academic and residential experience will enhance your development as a scholar and as a person." (at least to some degree)</p>

<pre><code> *At about 7 p.m. July 24, 2001 in the Greensboro Airport, I took my first step in the new country. My parents said that moving to United States was through the guidance of God. Like the Puritans of Mayflower and other immigrants during the colonial time, my family is in the history of immigration. Currently my family lives in a small but growing town called Kernersville. Like the most immigrants, I have faced hardships. Whether the hardship was academic or work related, I did not give up, but worked to overcome them. So whatever hardships I face in the future, I will not give up but overcome them to reach my goal.
*Two weeks after my arrival to the new country, I enrolled in an Elementary School named Sedge Garden as a fifth grader. Taking both ESL class and normal language art class, I was able to do my own homework without help in about 6 months. In the fifth grade EOG test I was able to get a high math score and was assigned to advance classes in middle school. Although I was supposed to be placed into the advanced Mathematics class only, I was placed in the advanced Language Arts class because there was a two teachers per team system in that middle school. The advanced Language Arts class was difficult, but I gave my earnest effort and achieved A’s and B’s in that class. Since then, I have gotten straight A’s since 7th grade. Even if I am placed in a difficult situation, I will not give up and will do all I can to achieve an outstanding result.
*About a year ago we moved from a small apartment to a 50 years old house. Consequently, the repair works took most of my extracurricular time, including the summer. The major repair works were fixing the heating system which had a burner that leaked harmful gases from its burning chamber, replacing water heater, and improving the plumbing. Additionally to the repairs, my Dad and I decided to make a garage out of the 40 to 50 feet tall trees in the backyard. Using our newly bought sawmill we made lumbers out of the trees. During the work there have been a lot of problems. Some of them were moving heavy trees, fixing engines, and reinforcing sawmill frames. My dad and I did not give up because of these problems; instead we worked to overcome them. We made a crane using the bike rack to move the trees, disassembled and fixed engines, and used steel L-bars to reinforce the sawmill frames.
*During the rest of my extracurricular time, I went to retreats and my church’s youth group camping trip. During the camping trip I ran a 4 hour race, cliff jumped, and rappelled down a 90 feet tall cliff. Although I was scared at first, I did not let that stop me. I trusted in God and accomplished the activities. Above all, during the four days camping I had great time fellowshipping, and helping out the other youths in need. One time when we were kayaking, I helped other youths whose kayaks had flipped over. I paddled one kid to the shore, and flipped over my self in order to get one kid back on the kayak, which caused me to tow my kayak 100 feet to the shore.
*My dream was formed during my early years. My father encouraged me and worked with me to build remote control cars and tanks. He also encouraged me to work with computers. These encouragements and activities formed my dream to become a scientist who invents robots. In my years in United States learning a new language, I forgot about my dream until my parents told me of NCSSM two years ago. Now my dream of becoming a scientist who invents automata has returned, and I have asked God if this dream will become my vision.
*My parents, who are deeply faithful, told me that the beginning and the end is in God’s hands, and that we have to do our best and leave rest to God. As I read the bible and grow spiritually, I have come to see that scientists do not create or invent, they just discover what God has given to them. Even Alfred Bernhard Nobel’s dynamite or even Albert Einstein’s theory that led to nuclear power was just a discovery of the God’s work.
*However, people have used these discoveries granted by God in malicious ways. People have used dynamites for personal gains, and in the process killed many people and even themselves. Also countries have and are using the nuclear power as a weapon for their own gains. These acts are what compel me to use my God given abilities, knowledge and wisdom, to glorify God. Glorifying God includes loving others, because loving others as Jesus has loved me is one of the great commandments of God.
*I am a seed with a dream. I do not know what kind of fruit I will produce, but I will pursue the God given wisdom and knowledge, and use them to glorify God. And I hope that the challenging but outstanding teaching programs in NCSSM will accelerate my learning of the God given wisdom and knowledge to achieve my goal.
*I also think that the reason that this country, formed of immigrants, has become so successful is that the people had the determination to develop and had contributed to each other out of love. Like the immigrants I will also contribute to the members of NCSSM physically, mentally and spiritually. In the past I could not participate in many activities, because I did not have ride. My Mom was unlicensed and my Dad was at work. Although I lacked ¡°feet,¡± I managed to participate in nursing home ministries and in AMEC tutoring. I was able to participate in monthly nursing home ministry, because my church was 20 minute walk away from my new house. My church members and I go to a local nursing home and worship God with the elderly, and company the elderly. After the ministry we gather in our church and discuss the blessings we received from this ministry. I also decided to tutor other students in mathematics on every Tuesdays and Thursdays before school, because I get dropped off at school early.
*If I get accepted, my lack of ¡°feet¡± will no longer matter because of the concentrated residential life. So I will participate in activities and clubs that will benefit the members of the NCSSM community. The residential experience might also help me to be more gregarious and not shy as I have been. Also living in a community with contributing members could greatly help me in my hours of academic need.
*My mom said, ¡°If you have done your best, but still face great difficulties, don’t give up, its just a part of the God’s plan to teach you to use you in His grand plan¡±. So no matter what I face in the future, I will do my best to become a scientist of the God given Love, wisdom and knowledge, who glorifies God.
</code></pre>

<p>Also pelozoic, you are right i did not had much of writing practice. And nobody actually told me of grammar rules and gave me practices. Even if somebody did, i probably was not near the langauage level to comprehend them. And also you are right again that i need to focuse on improving my writing skills. But giving up NCSSM is not a choice. I have done too many things to give up now. Anyways i can improve my writing skills in NCSSM also.</p>

<p>I've lost interest in reading. In the past i have read mostly science fiction or other fictions, but lost interest. Found no meaning on reading fiction. Since then i got into reading the Bible more.
If you have any books that you recommend please do. I also need massive improvement on vocabulary. I just lack the vocabulary to do well in writing and reading part on the SAT(which is also goint to be sent to NCSSM, along with transcript, recomendation letters, and evaluation letters from teachers).</p>

<p>Well, Thank you all again.</p>

<p>P.S. in the future grammatical corrections, please explain how to fix them,
even if i spot the mistakes i don't know how to fix them.
(working on getting my english teacher to look over it.)</p>

[paleozoic]

<p>I did not mean to give up on NCSSM, far from it. I did want to point out that most of the very good science students I have encountered in my career were also very good in English. </p>

<p>There is a close connection between language and the ability to think that in my view you do not properly appreciate. Without language you will neither be able to articulate nor even conceive of sophisticated ideas. That is why in this particular essay you could not really articulate your major point about articulating the thoughts of god which you conceive as your mission in life, ( and which, properly articulated would probably get you into Davidson if not Williams or Dartmouth). </p>

<p>The admission people at NCSSM may or may not care about your relative inarticulateness. Admissions at Davidson or Williams will care a great deal indeed. Why not shoot for the top? The cost of building vocabulary is to read, read, read. I bet you have not even read any of the childrens classics --Alice, Treasure Island, Grimm, Andersen. Even if you have lost interest in reading fiction and read only the Bible, the best English literature bar nothing is the Authorized (King James) Version of the Bible. To stay with your image of latter day puritans, this is the version from which educated Americans learned the language. </p>

<p>Frankly, I would doubt that at your present state of language comprehension you could catch the poetry in the Bible, without which of course the story becomes meaningless. If you cannot read the Bible (which is a great deal more difficult than you think) you will not be able to read any sophisticated book on science either. At some point my boy you will have to learn how to deal with ideas. You didn't come to America to be a doorman. Language is the key to get through the door.</p>

<p>Last word. Prune your new version of the essay so that your story shines through and whether you go to NCSSM or not, shoot for Davidson on the next round.</p>

[icierair]

<p>I wish I could write that well in middle school...
But I am in the same boat as you, as I lived in another country (France) until I was 11 and I went to an all French school till I was in the 7th grade.
I wish you luck!
P.S. Where did you emmigrate from?</p>

[oaktree]

<p>Pelezoic, I am reading the New King James Version.</p>

<p>As for your comment about "poetry in the Bible, without which of course the story becomes meaningless" are you sure?
Was it the poetry in the Bible that made the Bible meaningful?</p>

<p>Or was it the Love of God that is expressed through it?</p>

<p>Anyways You are right Pelozoic. Language is very important. What is the point of having all the knowledge and wisdom in the world if you can not express it.</p>

<p>I do need to read more and write more and talk more. I will do my best with the time I have to prune my essay.</p>

<p>By the way i had to add more to the Essay to follow my Dad's advices.
I will put it up when i get home.</p>

<p>Oh, yeah icierair, I came from South Korea. Not the North. You probably can't leave North Korea, and you definitely can't come into USA.</p>

<p>Well thank you again, Pelozoic.</p>

[paleozoic]

<p>The New King James Version distills off much of the poetry of the (authorized) King James Version without gaining much in intelligibility. If the poetry is distilled off in flat footed translation, the meaning disappears. Much, if not all of the Bible was intended to be declaimed i.e., sung. The psalms for example have a totally different feel when sung than when read. The same is true for a play by Shakespeare which is entirely different when acted rather than read. You have to "feel" all the important lines with your heart. Despite your very poor preparation in english, you still express some of your feeling with real poetic insight. For example your comment "or was it the Love of God expressed through it?" That in my terms is poetry, a thought caught on the wing. That in university admission terms is the most important characteristic Ivy league admission people are looking for. No one in my view would be all that especially interested in admitting another asian student to design robots. An immigrant student who can articulate his thoughts in English is of extreme interest. You need to give yourself the opportunity to go to Davidson, and they need the chance of being able to select you for the right reasons which you tried to express in your original essay. Trust me, for what you want to do, want to be English is your most important subject. Read, Read.</p>

[oaktree]

<p>I agree with you i must read and read. And it is more amazing for a foreigner to learn expressive English than for a Asian to invent robots. </p>

<p>What is more amazing is a teenager who pursues to glorify God and bless others than himself. I know a person like that. A teenager who goes to college, but has passion for Jesus, His Love, and teaching what He had died to say.</p>

<p>I also think that I'm not a good writer or speaker. If I was good as i should be, You would have understood what i was trying to say.
Writing is just another way to express a idea. You can express a idea through painting, music, a mathematical equation, behavior, attitude, speech, face expression, poetry, historical writing, 0's and 1's, and more.
The most important thing is not the method of expression, but the idea that you are expressing.</p>

<p>Above is why i lost interest reading science, fantasy, fiction books, what the books were trying express seemed meaningless.</p>

<p>But because i understand the importance of the idea that i want to express, i will develop my English by reading and reading as you have told me to do.</p>

<p>Thank You.</p>