<p>I'm a first-year and I'm really lonely, I've been constantly put myself out there all year long. It's been a bit of a hellish experience though, mainly because of how much of an idiot I was for the first couple months of the first semester. I was trying out being outspoken and bold and funny; it came across as me being arrogant and rude. I had since apologized for a few behaviors that weren't necessarily the most mature (but certainly not the worst considering how new I was). The problem is, people's impressions of me haven't really gone away. They started spreading rumors and making fun of me.</p>
<p>I've made friends, the problem is none of them stuck around. One girl I was friends with manipulated me and stole my work for the class we had together while the other wasn't even tolerable enough to have a conversation with. She was just so dull. The friends since have either been aquaintences (which I still have currently) or best-friends gone wrong. All of the boys I was friends with either fell in love with me or were too put off by my presence. I'm not saying I didn't have my part in what went wrong with these friends but I have since apologized and tried to make amends for my deeds even though they have not and are more interested in being angry at me. I give them their space after I tell them the invitation is always open if they change their minds. Some have come back but now I'm too scared to hang out with them for fear that I may be too much of a "tool" like I was unintentionally in the beginning of the year.</p>
<p>I live in the sober dorm, which was a huge mistake. Everyone here has a really strange personality and they all talk about each other behind each other's backs. I have chosen not to participate in it, and let it be known to their faces which has made me something of a target. Sometimes at midnight if I have been particularly active or my boyfriend's over and we're having a disagreement using our inside voices, someone in my dorm will call public safety over with the head dorm director who doesn't like me. She doesn't like me mostly because I was involved (in the beginning of the year) with that girl who was manipulating me and wanted to do things like mess with the bulletin boards in the dorms. Essentially, all of the CAs (or RAs), hallmates, and staff members within the dorm have this vendetta against me from silly ignorant things I haven't done for almost 6 months now and already apologized for. They do things like leave nasty notes under my door and throw used condoms at it when I'm not there. The head director doesn't ever do anything about it.</p>
<p>Whenever my boyfriend visits me on campus he says things like he doesn't like it here, the mere presence of the people on campus rub him the wrong way. He doesn't like how my past friends have treated me and he doesn't like that I continue to be targeted by staff members even though I've had to get the vice president to call them off 2 times now. He worries for me because he feels I'm slipping into a depression. I am losing ambition, drive, and strength to go to work and class and to keep hanging out with people.</p>
<p>I have had to sign up for an apartment next year so I can take classes to graduate early, and so that I don't have to deal with the head director or any other floormates bothering me again. My parents had to scramble to take more loans out because the vice president made it clear to them the severity of the situation. I may not be doing a very good job of explaining it, but it has truly been hell.</p>
<p>Currently I'm still trying to hang out with a couple close friends I have, and I visit my boyfriend every weekend. I push myself to hang out with these aquaintences and new people who've come back into my life. Honestly though I don't want to, I get so much anxiety over it. My grade is soemthing at a B average--I'm not very good at science but I'm not failing anything. I'm trying to manage and I'm trying to make it out okay but I'm having a hard time with so many people leaving and coming back into my life and dealing with the now-bullying in my res hall. My lease starts june 1st and I'm really looking forward to it but I'm worried for my mental health. Is what I'm experiencing normal? Should I feel this alone, empty, stressed, and sad? Will it ever get better?</p>