Need Advice About 3.49 GPA Son Who's Now Failing

Parents Forum
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<p>I really need advice from my friends here at CC; I'm so upset, I can barely think straight to write this.</p>

<p>My son is a 2nd semester junior. Although school work is not enjoyable for him (he is a disability student), he has done pretty well to date: A 3.49 GPA, dean's list, and several honor societies. At times, he struggles and has needed substantial support, but he has always shown improvement and moved forward. Because of his particular special needs, he has been taking a reduced full-time course load...and is expected to graduate in May 2011 (his fifth year). However, since my husband became unemployed last July, I think he's falling apart. His grades declined modestly during the fall semester, but now they seem to be in free-fall. I know my son is increasingly worried about our family's situation despite the fact that I've told him we'll be tight but okay. He is currently enrolled in 4 courses (three 3 credit courses and one 4 credit natural science course with lab). He has roughly a "C" or "C+" in two non-major courses, but a low "D" and an "F" in two major courses (in which he must attain at least a "C" to get academic credit). Although we have encouraged him to seek tutoring and to talk with his professors, this semester he has been very resistant to it...saying he wants to be able to succeed on his own. I am very afraid that he will fall further behind, lose his financial aid, and never graduate.</p>

<p>What can I do to help? Most colleges don't want hovering parents, but I don't want to see my son flunk out, especially since I know the devastating impact it will have on his future and huge amount of money that we have spent and that he will owe in loans. I'm sick with worry.</p>

<p>I would appreciate any help, advice, wisdom you can convey. </p>

<p>PS - My son just told me that he is sick of school, and that while he wants to study and do well, he knows that he is allowing himself to be distracted by anything and everything so that the quality of studying he needs to succeed is not taking place. He says he's angry at himself and that he will talk to the professors whose classes he's doing worst in...but no more. Should he share the feelings he just shared with me? All I want is for him to limp along to the finish, if that's what is takes, and get the degree all of us having been working and paying for. I learned long ago that you can't direct or cajole an adult student (22 yrs old) into carrying out his responsibilities. Please tell me what I can/should be doing.</p>

<p>PPS - My son has always been interested in volunteer firefighting...and has spent 20+ hours/month engaged in training and related activities. My husband and I have been uncomfortable with this time commitment, but it seems to keep our son happy and engaged (balancing out the academic discomfort he feels). We don't want him to lose this avocation, but we want him to graduate. We feel that if we force him to drop out, he'll be resentful and feel more upset with his academic prowess. Sorry for the added wrinkles.</p>

<p>Thank you very much.
OrangeBlossom</p>

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<p>You gotta get serious with him about his D and F. Tell him that he has to get tutoring/help from his professors…that’s using your resources, and that’s what college is about–taking advantage of the opportunities given to you.</p>

<p>You may not want to be a hovering parent, but this is your son’s future we’re talking about. He’ll have plenty of time to take care of himself and do things on his own once he graduates.</p>

<p>Once he is in full realization on what the D and F can do to him, he might change his mind about receiving help, and the distractions will cease(getting distracted is hard when your future is on the line). It’s up to you though to bring him to this realization. It’s good that “he will talk to the professors whose classes he’s doing worst in,” but know that he has to be proactive in bringing about the change in his grades.</p>

<p>You’re also investing money in his education, so I believe that entitles you a say in how he utilizes such education.</p>

<p>If you do nothing and he tries to succeed on his own, this could likely happen, but it could also likely not-- and he will be those things you named. If you help him out, he’ll have plenty of other opportunities in his life to show his independent side.</p>

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<p>It sounds like he needs some professional counseling to get him re-energized with his vision for his life. His grades and his words are congruent stating: “I need a break”. Ask him what he would like. Perhaps his college counselor or former high school guidance counselor can get him back on track. He needs to be heard, understood, and supported. Keep your panic at bay and your heart alongside his. You also sound like you can benefit from professional counseling re: control issues that are based on fear. Do you have a priest, pastor, or therapist available? Meanwhile, take good care of husband and son, encouraging both with tons of love. And this is a good time to pray for them, with them, and to take good care of yourself. You have a wonderful heart!</p>

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<h2>I’m shocked that a student with an IEP (which I’m assuming your son has) is being allowed to fail without intervention by the school. If it’s completely a matter or laziness that would be one thing, but it certainly sounds like something else is wrong here that may very well be disability related, and the school should be all over this to get your son the help he needs. Your first call should be to the guidance counselor to call an emergency IEP meeting. Your son should be present for it.</h2>

<p>I just reread your post and I think you may be talking about college, which is a completely different thing of course. None of my advice above applies, but I’m leaving it in case someone with a high school student comes along someday during a search. Colleges don’t have the same kind of responsibilities that high schools do.</p>

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<p>Is it possible for your son to withdraw this semester? Leaving it open to return next fall? It sounds like he may already be in such a downward tailspin that its going to be hard to pull out. I can see where he would be so overwhelmed at this point that he would give up trying. Or maybe he could drop down to part time, keeping just the two courses he has the C’s in. </p>

<p>He might need a break from school, and if so you may want to think about minimizing the damage. A “W” on a transcript is not as bad as a D & F – and he may just need to pull back, take some time off, and then either continue at that university or another after he’s got his wind back. Given his active interest in firefighting, it sounds like he is engaged – he’s just not engaged in school.</p>

<p>I know that you want your son to graduate – but he really doesn’t need to graduate on schedule. My son took 7 years – with 3 years working sandwiched between the first and last 2 years. He got his degree at age 25. It didn’t hurt him to do things that way. My daughter is now graduating, on time (age 22), top school, same major as my son - looking for work… and just about every job in her field wants the degree PLUS 2-3 years full time experience. My son practically walked right into a job immediately on graduation, from a much less prestigious college – because he had the degree AND the experience.</p>

<p>Could your son’s avocation become his job? I know that no parent in their right mind actually wants their kid to be a firefighter (dangerous work) – but it IS honest and important work… and maybe that is your son’s true calling. Maybe he needs to be out of school, working for a time – with the possibility of later returning to school or completing his degree on a part-time basis. </p>

<p>When my son returned to school after his 3-year break, he was a lot more disciplined and motivated, and he really excelled. I think the main thing is that he was more focused and a lot happier. I was disappointed when he first left school but once he started working I supported his decision, and I can honestly say that I think it was the best decision he ever made. The only thing that could have been better would if he had dropped out sooner (rather than later) – because I spent money when he was floundering and not really getting the benefit of the educational opportunity before him.</p>

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<p>OrangeBlossom –</p>

<p>I’m sorry for your difficulties with both your son and your husband’s unemployment.</p>

<p>Regarding your son’s situation, I thought this quote in your original post was telling: “Although we have encouraged him to seek tutoring and to talk with his professors, this semester he has been very resistant to it…saying he wants to be able to succeed on his own.”</p>

<p>Do you think your son may have “hit the wall” in terms of what he feels he can realistically do given his learning disability? If he is finishing school in a year or so, he may be looking at his field of study and wondering how he can succeed in the work world if he has to put in such huge amounts of time to be successful is his classes. He may feel that if he can’t do his college work without a lot of support, then he is in the wrong field.</p>

<p>Probably not the best analogy, but bear with me. I am a terrible singer. I’m sure I could become a much better singer if I took lessons and practiced regularly. But no amount of practice in the world would ever get me to Broadway. Could your son feel pressured to try for Broadway when what he really wants to do is not embarrass himself when he is singing “The Star-Spangled Banner” in a crowd? This might be a great insight on his part, but one that he is having trouble articulating. It could be particularly true if he is now hitting the harder courses for his major as an upperclassman.</p>

<p>I know this would be a very difficult idea to bring up with him, and I wish you good luck in getting to the bottom of what’s going on.</p>

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<p>All my best wishes. I have no good advice to offer, but I think you’ve gotten some good advice above.</p>

<p>All I will say is that don’t generalize about your son’s future based on what is happening now. Take appropriate action in the moment and remain hopeful about the future.</p>

<p>Good luck to both of you.</p>