Need Advice about Leaving for College/ Camp and Anxiety

Parent Cafe
1

Okay…here’s the deal:

My 18 year old daughter will be leaving in about a month to start college. She will be playing a DI sport in college. She deals with anxiety; although, she has never taken meds. Prior to leaving for college, she has to attend the sport camp at her university (as a recruited player). Although the recruits will be participating in the workouts as campers, they have somewhat of a different role at camp because they are on the team.

Here’s the dillema:
She has attended camp twice before. In an effort to “help” with her anxiety, I stayed in town during the camps. I thought I would use the few days to take my own little private “vacation” and just work in my hotel, watch my own TV, sleep, etc (as well as be around if she needed me). Hindsight, I should have handled that differently. I did not attend any of the camp trainings, etc…just pretty much stayed in my hotel and worked. The first time at camp, she had a MAJOR anxiety attack and ended up staying at my hotel. After the attack and vomitting subsided, she fully participated in every part of the camp (except sleeping in the dorm). The second time at camp, she was able to identify that an attack was coming on, was much more capable of handling things…but, still came to sleep at my hotel to sleep. I know, I know. I should’ve handled it differently- but, I didn’t and here we are…

So now…she is about to leave to go to camp again (as a recruit). Even if I wanted to go- which I don’t, I wouldn’t because not only do I see how that has NOT prepared her, but, I will be out-of-state at the same time.

Her anxiety is starting to kick in. Not only does she have anxiety about camp- because I am an idiot for not making her do it by herself before- but, it is compounding her anxiety about school.

She will be rooming with another player (they’ve never met) for school. I have asked if the other girl has requested her as a roommate for camp and she doesn’t know for sure and won’t ask the girl. She doesn’t want to come across needy to the girl.

I would like to help prepare her for these next steps…but, I am at a loss. Sometimes I want to just tell her, “deal with it”…but, I also know her anxiety and how that works.

How do I help her prepare to do this camp trip alone? I’ve tried to tell her to contact other girls and ride with them, etc. But, she won’t. I am afraid that if she has a horrible camp experience (anxiety attack, etc) that it will affect her leaving for school.

I foresee her making the trip to camp and then calling me incessantly about her nervousness/ anxiety.

How do I do this?!

2

As you realize, It is very late to be addressing this issue. I would take her to a therapist asap and also try to get a psychiatrist appointment set up in case medication is suggested. Be sure to get tuition insurance that covers mental health withdrawl.

3

As a parent of a child with anxiety, I completely understand your decision to stay local during the prior two camp experiences and would (sometimes have) done similar things. A check in with therapist to review steps to deal with anxiety sounds wise. If she/you are comfortable with the idea of short term meds, that may be good to have just in case. And, for its worth, when my kid did not have the safety net of a parent or other known support system, he dealt with it – and came back feeling more capable. Prior to a possible trigger, we may review prior examples of success to remind him that he has managed this kind of thing before. But sometimes talking about it just increases the anxiety in advance, so we focus on logistics – here is where we will go, this is what happens next etc.

Don’t beat yourself up about past practice – all of us are just trying to get through whatever is in front of us.

4

Will she be coming home between camp and the start of the school year? If so, treat them as two separate events. Camp is camp, just like last year and the year before. If the roommate to be can request your daughter as a roommate, can’t your daughter request her? I don’t get why this is a one-way street. Also, if you are really concerned, call the coach (or asst coach, or whoever your daughter deals with). The coach can certainly intervene in a housing situation for a camp. Maybe the roommate to be isn’t the best person to room with for the camp, maybe there is a captain who is particularly good at dealing with younger teammates or someone who is very popular who can get your daughter involved.

I’m sure the coach would rather know what the problem is now than lose a recruit.

5

PLEASE get an appointment for her with a therapist ASAP. This is so critical I can’t even emphasize it enough. My daughter has anxiety, too. Before it was treated properly, she had a couple of panic attacks. Anxiety will not go away by itself. Your daughter needs coping tools and perhaps meds. She needs to know that she’s supported before she goes off to college by herself.

6

She’s a recruited athlete - not sure the size of the school, but they can have an entire arsenal available to them that the regular student does not, this includes therapy in all forms. I would not hesitate to call the coach - he/she wants a healthy player, they deal with things all the time. If you give them a little heads up that she is anxious, etc, they would likely reach out to her (on the down low) before the camp and that check in could really help her. Normally, parents dealing with coaches is a no-no (coaches want kids to grow up), except in times where it is information that is beneficial to their player’s long term health and progress. Don’t be panicky about it with them, just a frank conversation that it’s an issue and you’d like to work together to help her with it. I am confident they will jump in with suggestions. (If they don’t that is a whole other issue…)

She may be anxious about living up to the team standards, about leaving, all kinds of things - I do not think you hanging around the first time is the blame for her not being over it, but it did make it easier to run to mommy. I guess it could have come off that you are anxious about it, and let’s face it, anxiety is contagious. I think it is hard for us to determine what “major attack” means, and that may be different to mom than an outsider. It is not clear if this is a “deal with it” situation or a “run to therapist” situation. Not many have a therapist on speed dial, so getting that rolling at this point could be difficult with her schedule. May be good to start with the coach and let her get use to using school resources which are available for next four years. D1 varies, but the big athletic departments have so much they can do for athletes.

Is this a camp where they work with kids versus team training? Those are often great bonding times and I hope she is able to work through it.

7

I guess I should ask-Is she only anxious about this particular camp, but she has done other camps or long trips away from home successfully? Or has she not managed that yet? Medication will take at least 3 weeks to work so you may wish to contact your doctor asap. Finding a therapist at her school would be helpful too.

8

Try to see a therapist before she leaves. Meds can help so that she can actually use behavioral techniques.



The only non professional advice I can give is for her to focus on one moment at a time. Sometimes the anxiety comes not from the current moment but fear of the future ones.

9

I am wondering the same as roycroftmom. As she never been anywhere on her own where she slept away from family? But yes it sounds like trying to get her into a therapist asap is order.

10

Talk to her doctor about some non habit forming medicine to take in emergency situations.

11

At least she still went too camp on her own so don’t beat yourself up too much. My son deals with anxiety too and right now it’s taking the ACT test that has caused concern. All his practice tests with his tutor he has scored 28 - 30 but when actually has to take the test he’ll score 21. He says he just cannot relax and feels a little lost. So he is going back to his therapist for a couple of sessions before the next test in Sept. His therapist has been big help with school issues and athletics. Learning breathing and coping techniques do help. Not a big fan of meds.
.

12

Sometimes meds are a necessary evil. My D has struggled with anxiety since high school. She has always been able to handle it with therapy and coping mechanisms, at least until spring of her junior year of college. With some social drama thrown on top of rigorous academics and EC’s she finally melted down. She began feeling physical symptoms of depression on top of the anxiety. Some low dose meds along with the therapy saved her life (literally) and allowed her to make it through the semester while keeping her grades up. I now see more frequent glimpses of the D I remember before her anxiety took over. She is 21 and made the decision to take the meds herself, but it is now clear to me that it was the appropriate decision.

13

“Sometimes meds are a necessary evil.”

I agree that they may be necessary, but when properly prescribed, there’s nothing evil about them.

Our society is so hostile to treating mental illness in scientifically appropriate ways, which may be a big part of the reason the OP’s child has suffered for so long. You know what’s a necessary evil? Chemo. But I rarely hear it described that way when someone is making decisions about their own or their child’s treatment.

“Talk to her doctor about some non habit forming medicine to take in emergency situations.”

Some of the best medicines for anxiety can be habit-forming if abused, and they still may play a critical role in a patient’s treatment, and they do not need to be reserved for emergency situations. The OP needs to seek professional help ASAP and be open to considering whatever that professional recommends. Given the multi-year pattern of anxiety preventing normal growing-up experiences and panic attacks so severe as to cause vomiting, a psychiatrist should be consulted as part of the treatment team.

OP, I wish you and your daughter the best. This problem is treatable.

14

Playing a D1 sport is very demanding, and your daughter must be a top level or elite player to have been recruited. How has she handled stress and anxiety thus far? It’s remarkable that she’s come so far while dealing with excessive stress. She’s likely traveled with various teams, so being away from home and on the road should not be new. What do you think is causing the most anxiety right now? I wonder if being recruited and living up to expectations (feeling “not worthy”) is making her second guess herself. How does she feel about her sport? Playing her sport may be part of how she sees herself, yet she may question how she’ll perform athletically. My 18 year old son (D1 athlete also starting his freshman year) is feeling excited about his sport, but a little intimidated and hoping he can meet expectations.

If your daughter’s anxiety is severe, then get counseling right away - it can really help. A good psychiatrist can give her some behavioral tools to try before prescribing medications. There are many ways to reduce anxiety which don’t require medication, and any competent therapist will try several before prescribing anything.

15

@Hanna I did not mean meds are a “necessary evil” because they are being used to treat mental illness, but that medication in general is not a first course of action for treatment of any condition in my mind. When I have a headache I don’t reach for the Advil until I am pretty sure the headache is not going to go away on its own. All medications are a foreign substance to the body and come with some kind of side effects, no matter how mild. Especially when used long term. I always believe in trying to find ways for the body to heal itself, but when it cannot I am not afraid to turn to medication. My D also has RA and must take medication for that too, so I do have concerns about the long term health effects of taking additional meds. i have faith that her doctors will help her decide when she no longer needs them. She definitely needs them at this point in time. It is nothing to be ashamed of.

And I do see Chemo very much as a necessary evil. Truly poison to the body but possibly the only way to save your life.

16

To join the chorus, therapist, therapist, therapist.

CBT (cognitive behavior therapy) can be very effective for anxiety and in a fairly short period of time. One thing to note, your daughter will have to want to get the help, want to get over the anxiety. The lightbulb has to want to change. I know it seems ridiculous that someone wouldn’t, but my son struggles with anxiety and is only interested in getting over it in some contexts. I have a friend whose daughter is also very conflicted about solving the problem. Apparently this a a thing with some people.

17

I don’t think there are many athletes, even the very good ones, who aren’t worried about being a freshman on the team. It’s a very stressful time even for those who were superstars in high school.

My daughter was petrified of both the athletics and the academics. She was young (17), a solid student in high school but not top of the class. She was starting in engineering never having taken AP chem or physics or calc. Her team was new and the coach really didn’t think my daughter was very good but took her because she needed warm bodies (who had the academics to get into the school). My daughter hadn’t won a lot of honors on the field, hadn’t been to major camps or clinics, was coming from an okay but not top high school program. A teammate was a frienemy from a rival high school claiming all kinds of athletic honors. Several others were from the mid-atlantic states, the hotbed of lacrosse and listed all star teams and All American honors on their resumes. She didn’t think she’d measure up, didn’t think she could keep up, didn’t think she’d get any playing time, would surely get a C in calc as all the other students had had it in high school. Oh, the troubles were many, the worrying endless.

Well, after the first quiz in calc and a few days on the field, things were much better. She could hang with the others academically and she turned out to be one of the best on the field. Even the coach admits she misjudged D’s abilities. She plays 100% of every game. Life is good.

But the worrying never goes away. After the first year, she worried about not being a starter second year. After the second year, she worried about being a captain (I will never understand why anyone wants to be captain as it is a thankless job, but she did). She’s still worrying about something. She did call me a LOT that first semester. She needed someone to say “It will be fine” especially when her friends left school, when there were issues on the team, when she was struggling with an English paper.

A parent here on CC had an athlete daughter who also had some serious anxiety issues, and the parents stayed in the area of the school for about a month last year. The daughter played a fall sport so the parents could attend the games immediately. It worked for them to stay in the area. It worked for me to be available by phone. You’ll find what works for you.

18

We have been struggling with these issue for the last three years. My suggestion is follow your gut. I would not feel any guilt about how you handle this in in the past. You did your best and supported your daughter.

As for suggestions, we found a fast short term medication can stop a panic attack quickly. It can be difficult to find the right one and it is not a long term solution but sometimes it is necessary. Long-term medicines can help a lot but be warned that it could take months and even longer than a year to find the right medicine and dose. One of the biggest changes we saw was with cognitive based therapy (CBT). CBT focuses on the tools needed to deal with the anxiety and can be very effective.

We found that with therapy and long term medicine that our daughter can handle most situations without resorting to the short term medicines. However, there are still times when she needs the short term medicine and always carries it with her. One downside (or upside depending on your POV) is that most of these medicines cannot be use with alcohol. They are powerful drugs that require monitoring by an doctor.

As many pointed out, you need to get your daughter help to deal with this issue ASAP. If she an anxiety based mental illness, it will not go away and will likely get worse.

19

Anxiety and panic attacks are nothing like headaches, even migraines. Without going into details, my 19-year-old daughter went through a nightmare. Meds have been a godsend her. She is thriving, but it took a lot of counseling AND meds.

This afternoon, she played piano in a jazz combo at a local restaurant. She was a substitute, so she had to learn all of the music in a week or so. She had to improvise and hold her own with three young men. She did great! I was so proud of her. She’s come a long way in a year and a half. I am thankful for her therapist, her psychiatrist (who also treats her very ill brother), and the meds.

20

@MaineLonghorn I agree, the combination of therapy and medicine has been a godsend. My D has only been on the medication for a few months and I see such a difference. And having emergency meds on hand in case of a full blown panic attack has also given her piece of mind. She obviously needed the meds. I am thankful she finally took the initiative to see a psychiatrist and get the treatment she needed. Being an adult, I cannot force her and can only suggest. She is stubbornly independent and refused treatment until she began feeling physical symptoms.