Need advice - freshman dd says she is miserable

Parents Forum
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<p>She is is 600 miles away in NYC at Parsons.
Her roommate/suitemates are good. In fact, she has quickly made good friends.
She enjoys her classes although she says she is feeling different about photography now that she is doing it so much (in direct-entry photography program). Photography has been her passion for 5 years. She definitely has some talent and received some good scholarships at Parsons. Last week, one of her professors was complimenting one of her photo assignments as the "best he saw that day". She was very proud of that. </p>

<p>She admits to being homesick and missing her brothers and sisters - she is #4 of 5 and all others live within an hour of home.</p>

<p>She is now telling me she wakes up with a migraine everyday. She is not happy. She says the city is different than she thought it would be. Although she knew something about NYC before she went because she did 2 pre-college month-long summer programs there. Her facebook page has great pictures and coomments about enjoying the city.</p>

<p>She wants to transfer after this semester. She is looking into UNC-W into a digital arts program they offer. She is an unusual college freshman becasue she entered college with 18 college credits (pre-college, and took community coll classes her 2nd semester senior year) so I don't know if the transfer requirement of having 30 hours would stop them from taking her. If they don't accept her for the spring (their website says they ar talking very few transfer students this spring), she wants to come home , go to comm college and work toward UNCW for next fall. uhg.</p>

<p>Dh and I are totally against it. We feel it is way too soon to make any decisions like this. She has looked forward to college in NYC all thru high school. She is defintely an art school fit and I did not see this coming. We want her to hold out for at least one year and next spring, turn in a transfer application if she is still so unhappy.</p>

<p>Her dissatisfaction began after a weekend home 10 days ago. Too soon, I know. We told her she could fly home for a long weekend and unfortunately, this was her only 3 day weekend. Looking back, this is my mistake, I didn't feel good about her coming home so soon but I caved in. However, even when she got off the plane, she told us she was so glad she had a round trip ticket and she felt like Parsons was a good fit for her. She told everyone she was enjoying it. Now, she says she was trying to convince herself.</p>

<p>We thought this might be hormonal but it is not the right time for that, if you know what I mean. </p>

<p>Someone help me wade thru this. Does this sound normal? She is exhausting me!</p>

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<p>I think she just really misses you guys. I think you should tell her to be strong, that this - that NYC/Parsons - will be good for the both of you. She should hang in there and maybe soon, she’ll think of NYC as her home.</p>

3

<p>lindab
sorry to hear your D is struggling. first, deep breath. It is rather early in the frosh year, and lots of kids have harder transitions than others (check the other threads about that). So this may just be a bumpy patch. </p>

<p>On the other hand. Parsons isn’t just art school. It’s art school, on steriods, in New York. Even your D’s previous familiarity with the city, and interest in photography may not have prepared her adequately for the environment she’s now immersed in. You probably should try to probe a little more to find out more of what she’s thinking/feeling. </p>

<p>I heard a somewhat similar story from a friend whose daughter started at FIT a couple of years ago. She just knew was destined for Fashion Avenue and couldn’t believe her good fortune when she got in. Turns out it was way too much of a pressure cooker for her. She left, started over at a school closer to home in an environment that she found more nurturing and in tune with the pace at which she felt she could best develop her talent. </p>

<p>Sometimes the situation just needs time to work through the transition. Other times, the kids just know they need to make a change. You know you D better than anyone, so good luck having an evolving dialogue with her to explore more deeply what’s going on.</p>

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<p>I too think that she just really misses you all and is feeling pretty small in the big city right now. She really hasn’t had time to fully settle in yet. Maybe you could appease her by telling her that transferring after a semester is too soon, that she has to at least see what it’s like until the New Year and then you all can revisit applying to transfer next fall at that time.</p>

<p>You’re not alone, my jr D actually called last week and said that she missed us and that summer ended too soon. This from a kid that has been so happy being out of our podunk little town since forever.</p>

<p>Hang in there, I think she just needs some time. It’s often hardest to be in a situation that you’ve dreamed of for years, dreams and reality are rarely the same.</p>

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<p>I think it sounds normal.<br>
First, she needs to finish the semester. Any talk of transferring can wait until then. If you talked about this with her before she left and you all agreed she would complete the semester or year then hold her to that.</p>

<p>Last fall my youngest was miserable. She looked into transferring too and found - even with an extra semseter of college credits (from hs) she would only be able to go to a school that she had already applied to her senior year. I called our local state schools admissions office - I know a guy who works there - and he told me he would pull some strings for her.
The colleges really want them to have a full year before they transfer.
Second semester it all changed for my daughter - and it could change for yours too.<br>
Thanksgiving is 6 weeks or so away - encourage her to get to that point. After that it will be busy, busy to finals. She is probably looking far into the future at 3.5 more years there and can’t comprehend it, so just take the baby steps.</p>

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<p>Additionally - if she is calling several times a day and you sense there is a lot of whining - don’t be so quick to answer the phone. Let he leave a message and call her back in an hour. The lives of these kids change from minute to minute and often what is a crisis one minute is forgotten the next.</p>

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<p>If you haven’t before, you might take a look at the following thread for support and advice. There are plenty of good ideas to possibly try. My suggestion is to hold her hand, make no promises about transferring, and bide your time as she adjusts to the newness of her situation and sense of family loss. </p>

<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/772372-how-your-freshman-adjusting.html?highlight=freshman+adjusting[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/772372-how-your-freshman-adjusting.html?highlight=freshman+adjusting&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

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<p>Normally I would agree with all the advice above, but I have a hunch that this kid is not going to stay in NYC. (nothing negative implied by that) I think it is a case of her strong passion/talent suddenly becoming less fun and too intense of a commitment. Unfortunately, unlike at a regular college where you can switch majors, she is sort of stuck. I would get prepared for a semester transfer, but agree that sticking out the year would be better.</p>

9

<p>I would be concerned about her waking up with a headache every morning. Is this common for her? Did she wake up with headaches during her weekend home? Could it be lack of sleep, or perhaps exposure to an allergen such as mold? Having constant headaches would make me hate the entire world, not just my college experience.</p>

10

<p>I’d encourage her to stay at least thru the year. Perhaps after coming home for Thanksgiving (if not before) for a visit, she’ll think differently.</p>

<p>She may need to be seen about her headaches.</p>

<p>BTW…if she started with 18 credits and she’s taking 15 or so credits this semester, won’t she have enough to transfer???</p>

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<p>I’d also do everything in my power to insist that at least stay for a year. Her family and Parsons have invested a lot money in her, she really does owe a minimum of giving the school an honest try.</p>

<p>Before even talking about transfering, I would have her see a doctor about the headaches and a counselor/therapist about adjusting to such a different life. That gives her concrete steps to take, instead of just focusing on transferring as the solution. </p>

<p>I wish you all the best of luck.</p>

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<p>My DD is only a high school senior, so…take these comments for what they’re worth. I have no personal experience. </p>

<p>I FEEL for you. It’s not like it’s your first/only child, so you know that this is “different” than your other kids. Sounds like everyone thought this was going to work out perfectly, then…WHAM. So, I’m wondering if something happened that she hasn’t mentioned to you. She SAYS her roommates are great, but…are they? She’s talking “Migraines”. Did she have migraines before? They’re VERY different than “bad headaches” (I lost part of my vision once for about an hour, there are very different symptoms but a bad headache is not the same thing, is she vomiting, for instance?). So…is she using the word migraine to invoke sympathy? One silly thing…my D is VERY VERY allergic to mold. I sent her to a small college summer camp and went to pick her up and she was in HORRID shape. I waited for her in her room, sat on her bed, looked up and…mold COVERED the ceiling! So many ODD things could be happening. Maybe her grades are bad and she’s trying to find a way to tell you. The reason I ask all these things is that is seems such a big turnaround, doesn’t make much sense. A girl who has visited the city AND been away for extended periods. </p>

<p>Also…no matter WHAT she studies…if she intends on it being a career…well, ANYTHING becomes a JOB. Your passions can turn to bores and being roommates also turns friends into enemies. ALL growing up things.</p>

<p>But…I would feel the same exact way you do. You want to “catch” her, this is TOO important. </p>

<p>I agree that I’d probably insist on the year. It will be hard. But. When my sister dropped my niece off at Columbia, she opened the door to her “room” (closet) and burst into tears…saying she could NEVER live her whole life in this tiny room for 3 years of law school. Turns out…she didn’t have to. She moved off campus the following year and DID live in that dorm for a year and DID learn to love the city that she’s still there (though not practicing law!), 8 years later. </p>

<p>It will be MUCH easier if she choses to transfer in the Fall. And she started with so many credits that even if she took mostly art/conservatory classes this year I’m sure she’ll be fine. Then maybe she can focus on a more well rounded liberal arts and add photography into the mix if she wants to . </p>

<p>I have one of those “exhausting” (high maintenance/emotional) girls too. It’s SO trying. I let mine change schools to get a better music education because she was pretty set on majoring in music. Come senior year, apps are being filled out now, and …oh, yeah…maybe not. ! Even though her grades slipped and I wasn’t worried AT THE TIME because she was considering a conservatory. </p>

<p>At any rate…she’ll get through it and having a full year under her belt would be awfully good for her (though I admit to not having experience with an “art” school). I hope she toughs it out. BUT, every kid is different and some can’t. And that’s OK too.</p>

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<p>What do her brothers and sisters say? My five kids are all very close to each other and it sounds like yours are, too. Your older children might be a good resource for you as you work this out, especially if they are in regular touch with their sister. Siblings often have a better (and more detailed) picture of what is happening in each other’s lives than mom and dad do.</p>

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<p>It’s not an easy adjustment to living in NYC. I went to NYU so I know first hand. If you are used to living in a close knit community at home and having lots of family support then the city can feel overwhelming and isolating at times. BTW, I don’t think you were wrong for letting her come home for the weekend. There’s nothing wrong with getting support from loved ones when going through a difficult transition. It may or may not be that going to school in NYC is for her…really too soon to tell. As others have said, she needs to give herself more time to see if things get better. I would say after a year of being there and still not happy then it’s time to think of an alternate plan. I can see she has her heart set on UNCW now. If indeed she does want to transfer you should do a very thorough investigation of colleges that would be options. No sense in jumping into another situation that is not right. It’s a good idea to visit other schools next semester if she is still unhappy. Also its important to figure out exactly what it is that she does not like about Parsons and what is important to her in another school.
Good luck</p>

15

<p>Thank you for the replies.
Yes, she has had migraines before. Usually, only once amonth or so and lasting 6 hours, at the most. We have tried different otc meds which have worked before but this morning, Goody’s did not work.
Her grades are fine, so she says. She is working hard and I have no reason to believe any different about that.</p>

<p>Parsons is part if The New School so she does have options to change majors. However, she says it is the city.
I will explore the idea that something has happened she is not telling me. Youneverknow.</p>

<p>I feel strongly about her staying there this year. Don’t want to miss anything important as far as what she may be dealing with but we have seen in the past that this child sometimes makes decisions on a whim.</p>

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<p>One thing to explore - just because Parsons accepted 18 credits does not mean every other school will also accept them. Each will have their own take on it and may require addtional testing or refuse some of the credits. It is worth keeping in mind. </p>

<p>Sometimes though it is just not right and makes no sense to continue the wrong path. A friend of DD’s transferred after one semester and loved the change. It happens. You will know by how determined she is. You cannot make her register for the spring or register for her. She has to do it herself. One that is determined will refuse and find another way, either with you or without you.</p>

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<p>It’s Parsons. I would stress sticking it out for the school/exposure/education, rather than for the city. She may never love NY as a place to live…many of us enjoy visiting but readily admit that we would not want to live there. But it could be tolerated for a one of a kind opportunity…like to go to Parsons, Julliard, etc. I would not speak ill of other school choices (in case she ends up at one of them eventually) but I would talk about what she can learn at Parsons.</p>

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<p>She just called me and said she spoke to transfer counselor at uncw. It is impossible for her to get in for spring but hopeful for next fall.
Fine. I told her, again, to stick it out for the year and if he is still unhappy, she has many options for where to apply as a transfer student.</p>

<p>She was not happy with my answer. Says if she is not happy after this semester, she is coming home and will attend comm college until she gets in somewhere next fall. I calmly told her this was not an option -we are committed to Parsons for the first year. She said I was committed, not her.
uhg.</p>

<p>Believe me when I tell you that this was her dream, she went back and forth during hte last part of her senior year about where to attend - applied to three schools in NYC and more here in NC. We completely supported her for whichever way she was leaning during the decision process. Finally, she decided on Parsons and we remained committed to her. To hear her talk now, you would think we pushed her into this.</p>

<p>Meanwhile, on her facebook page, she just posted about a fun theater event she is attending. uuuhhhhgggg.</p>

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<p>It is so difficult and yet so important to help her sort out whether she is in a state of extreme discomfort because of homesickness, etc. or if there is some very solid reason that Parsons is not right after all. </p>

<p>It may sound ridiculous but as I’ve posted before - get her to tell you how it’s going overall on a scale from 1-10 with 1 beyond horrible and 10 sublime. You might need to get her to humor you but if she gives you her ‘score’ at least once a week (preferably more often), over the course of several weeks at least - either you or she will be surprised.</p>

<p>Just as people can quickly identify their threshold of pain at the doctors, so a person can identify their emotional state pretty accurately. 5 and up - she’s fine and will adjust. Below 4 - you might be ready to help her move. Patience is involved, my D couldn’t even give me a number ‘it was so bad’ at first but over time she was saying, it’s a 7 - even after she complained bitterly and talked about how she wanted to come home.</p>

<p>My heart goes out to you lindab - I hope for the best for you and your D!</p>

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<p>NYC takes a while to adjust to. last year my D went thru quite a bit of homesickness, even though she loved her school and program and had met really nice students. This year she loves everything about Manhattan- I just think it is tough to adjust to all the hustle, bustle, crowds and noise of the city. A self contained campus is just easier to adjust to at first, but your d might suprise you by the end of the year.</p>