<p>is there a boyfriend at home compounding the decision/situation?</p>
<p>My sister went to Parsons a long time ago, and when I visited her I knew I would never be comfortable living in NY. She lived a long commute away; her apartment had 6 locks on the door, and it just wasn’t comfortable. Some people realize that they just don’t want to live in a place like that. I would let your daughter come home - actually, I think you really don’t have much of a choice. She is old enough to make up her own mind about this, as long as it does not end up costing you more money. Parsons and NYC are not for everyone.</p>
<p>Linda- any chance you guys can cut down on the frequency of communications? Remember when we were in college and we talked to our parents once a week (I called Sunday night after the rates went down… who remembers worrying about the rates?)</p>
<p>I think your availability is helping her stay focused on all the reasons she’s unhappy and all the ways that transferring is going to help.</p>
<p>Try to be less available. You want to support her when she hits a rough patch- but you don’t want her absorbed in the endless drama of why she hates Parsons. You can tell her that you understand she’s unhappy; you will fully support a transfer for next year and will keep your mind open about coming home for second semester but don’t want to talk about it again until she’s home for T-giving.</p>
<p>And then stick to it. Ask lots of questions about how her roommate is adjusting, if the school’s equipment and facilities are what she expected, are her classmates interesting and where are they from, who is from the most exotic place so far, the names of her favorite professor and is he/she funny or weird or just fun to listen to, what she had for dinner, did it get really cold last night, etc. Don’t be standoffish- but ask simple direct questions which require a response that’s not, “I hate it here and am coming home”.</p>
<p>When she brings up how miserable she is, remind her that you haven’t forgotten and that you’re going to discuss it face to face at T-giving. And you love her very much and you’re very proud that she’s working hard at such a demanding program.</p>
<p>I’m sure this is hard for you. But whether it’s NY or Parson’s or being a professional artist vs. being a talented hobbyist or being far from home and siblings or whatever… nothing productive can come of a daily rehashing of how she’s unhappy and why she’s unhappy.</p>
<p>Just be aware that some transfer applications have to be in fairly early- February/March time frame. Others are later. It is a real pain- just as hard as applying the first time plus a bunch of recs from the current school, certificates of good standing etc.
I know I would not be able to live in NYC.</p>
<p>blossom, great advice.</p>
<p>Again, thank you for the replies. Blossom, I will take your siuggestions to heart and I will carefully limit communication. She has been texting and calling us 3, 4 and 5 times a day. </p>
<p>I will keep you posted. Thank you very much!</p>
<p>If there were someone in my life willing to listen to me 3, 4 or 5 times a day about why my life isn’t going the way I planned, believe me, I’d be miserable too! But since they’re not willing to listen- I manage to keep it together (just the way I’m sure you do) and somehow by the end of the day it wasn’t quite so bad. In fact, sometimes it’s pretty darned good.</p>
<p>You are giving out way too much information for a public forum.</p>
<ol>
<li><p>It’s not just NYC. As many have pointed out who have personal connections to Parson’s and NYU, these schools are true city schools. The streets are their campus. You’ll find no frisbee throwing freshmen on some verdant quad. The student bodies are less cohesive and an individual student who is not that outgoing and by happenstance just doesn’t make some critical connections early on can find themselves very, very lonely. </p></li>
<li><p>I understand the potential reasons to not make yourself “too available,” but your daughter may have no one else to turn to for emotional support right now. Be careful not to risk her already obviously fragile emotional state.</p></li>
<li><p>I’ve seen a lot of initially unhappy students at NYU (in particular) but also at places like Parsons and Pratt eventually adapt and sit tight. But I do wonder if they (and your daughter, perhaps?) would have been/would be better served calling it day after one or two semesters and then transfering to more verdant pastures. She’s got a lot more college ahead of her. She may well be much happier in a more traditional college setting. If things don’t improve significantly in the next month or two, maybe it’s best to chalk this year up to a fixable mistake, move on, and not “settle.”</p></li>
</ol>
<p>Sounds like you have a good handle on things with her. Migraines daily - hmmm - sounds like stress (I get them also - from lack of fluids to stress to hormones). Maybe increase fluids and some rest? I’d have her wait a year…a semester is just not long enough. And since she is known for decisions on a whim, she just might transfer and decide again that she isn’t happy…so waiting the full year is important. I was not allowed to transfer and in the end it was the best thing for me. However I did let D1 do it, and the transfer was the best thing for HER!</p>
<p>I think it’s important when giving advice, not to project our own feelings about things onto other people. These posts so often remind me that as parents we all have our own ways of reacting. For instance, I really appreciate blossom’s advice about not being so available by phone, because I too, have a D who calls or texts several times a day when she’s unhappy, and it can totally wear me out (and it’s not really helping her either.) We both need to learn that she can cope on her own and in fact, that’s what this time is for- to trust their ability to grow up. We’ve made an agreement that if she calls my cell phone and I don’t answer or it’s turned off, she can leave a message, but I may not get back to her right away if I’m busy. If its a REAL emergency, she can call the house or work numbers and I’ll pick up. This sets limits for both of us and so far, has worked- she called the house phone one time because of a pretty severe family situation, and another time crying because of a personal situation, and otherwise she’s has been ok with not always reaching me, and I’ve started to regain my own life a bit!.</p>
<p>I also think it’s hard not to give advice based on how we’d feel in a given situation, or by comparing our child with another’s child. For instance, I’d dislike living in New York, but my feelings about it have nothing to do with how an eighteen-year old with a passion for photography might cope with the same situation. I think the best advice often has to do with trusting our instincts as parents, taking care of our own selves too in this hard time, and in practicing patience. Setting some baseline limits, talking through various scenarios about how to cope, and focusing on the positive are also general strategies that seem helpful to share.</p>
<p>I think it’s really important to listen to our kids and trust what they are saying. For example, my D calls me 4 times a day, too, but she is pretty happy. Today she called on the way to class and was going on and on about this little niggly thing that was bothering her and I just laughed and said, “I think you’re just fine.” She laughed and agreed. The point is, if she wasn’t fine, she wouldn’t have agreed, and I wouldn’t have said that.</p>
<p>I’ve seen my D happy and I’ve seen her miserable. We know the difference and they know the difference. I’m not saying it isn’t a good idea to teach them about finishing out a commitment, but it is equally important for them to learn to listen to their instincts when things are not right for them. Maybe more so. Life is just a series of choices. Sometimes we make the right choice and sometimes not. It’s important to know that it is okay to change your mind and make a different decision for yourself. (Not advice, just a theory I have.) </p>
<p>Good luck. I’m sure you can trust your daughter to make a good decision for herself. I can hear from your posts that you’ve loved her well enough for her to know how to love herself.</p>
<p>lindab: No advice, but I wanted to let you know you’re not alone in having a miserable, I-want-to-come-home freshman. Different problems, but same anguish for the parents. I send hugs.</p>
<p>Some sweeping over generalizations:</p>
<p>As parents we are pioneers - we are the first generation to ever consistently take responsibility for parenting our children emotionally.</p>
<p>As a whole our parents were not invested in our emotional well beings (in fact it often seemed the opposite), how many of us called our parents and shared our emotional state with them ever, much less many times a day or week? - not many I’m sure.</p>
<p>Now we are closely connected to the emotional health of our children and this includes children 18+, away from home for the first time and horribly unhappy and sharing their misery in minute detail.</p>
<p>What to do? Threaten, reject, ignore, avoid? React, become angry? depressed? Or how about listen, encourage, support, model flexibility and patience? </p>
<p>There isn’t a rule book for this - we have to make one - so how about seeking to help them see this opportunity, as uncomfortable as it is, as a chance to become stronger, more mature and balanced individuals. And while we are at it let us help them (and ourselves) learn to tell the difference between a bad situation they need to leave and an uncomfortable situation they need to stick with.</p>
<p>Some kids are seeking very different life style while looking for college. In most cases it does not work for them. Good number of them are getting transferred either to local college or much closer to home where life style is what they are used to. My own D. would not apply even to Grad. school that is further than 3 hours away. Yes, it limits the choices, but she does not want to be miserable for that many years of her life. She still misses home a lot (college junior with tons of friends, sorority…), but I would say that she is miserable. She lives in awesome College Suits with each bedroom having its own bathroom, patio, washer/dryer included in apartment, full kitchen, living room with TV, swimming pool, gym, 3 levels of security and only 3 hours from home.</p>
<p>^I meant to say that D misses home, but NOT miserable.</p>
<p>I agree with trying to keep her there past the adjustment period. The visit home, in retrospect, was probably not so good. But it’s done. </p>
<p>If she is home sick, and misses things about home, what about a trip to see her. Maybe going to the city to see her on an extended weekend so you can see both dorm/apt and school. You can experience the city on a school day, the commute, the “campus” that is not a campus. </p>
<p>Perhaps you will then see why she is unhappy. Or you will see that she really is happy, just homesick. If that is the case, you need to continue to insist she finish out the year. That will give her time to adjust and figure it out.</p>
<p>I agree that often we may be the chosen ones to hear the depressing, disappointed, worried, sad, homesick talk from our kids, when in reality, the other 95% of the time they are just fine. I remember in college that I’d write a letter to a friend. The reply would contain so much concern for my happiness and well-being that I would be shocked. I’d wonder what on earth I had said to the friend to make her worry so, but I couldn’t really remember! The sad moment had passed. I think sometimes I’d do the same to my mother, though the difference between then and now in the age of cell phones and computers, was that was only once a week on Sunday afternoon. </p>
<p>When you move away from home for the first time, you have to confront the essence of you. All of a sudden you are forced to figure out who you are when you’re not surrounded by your family, old friends, familiar places, etc. It can be a kind of shock, and a really strong one if the kid decides she doesn’t particularly trust or like the essential her. Mom and Dad and girlfriends aren’t there to help her navigate and this can be scary. But it’s a very good growing-up experience. It it passes from being a difficult experience to an emotionally devastating experience, then something will have to be done.</p>
<p>Maybe we can get them to tell us when they are just venting? They would have to figure it out the difference between a serious problem and serious complaining in order to tell us and it would help us to know the difference.</p>
<p>Thank you again for the replies. This is so helpful.</p>
<p>I really do think this is more of a homesick issue. From everything else I can see, she seems good and happy. Of course, I am only talking about facebook page, her activites from our shared checking acct and conversations I hear about from other people. Of course, there is a lot I don’t know about.</p>
<p>This plays on my emotions because I am the mother but it is also wearing me down. She has begin to tell me that many of the other students are not happy but “their parents are very supportive”. uhg. I have calmly told her that there is doubting the support we have always given her or how we have always had her best interest at heart. She knows this, deep down.</p>
<p>Simplerules makes some very good points. My husband and I are trying to listen and support but we are insisiting she not leave Parsons until she is accepted and can go right into another 4 year school (which won’t be until next fall at this point). We are feeling that in a month or so, this unhappiness will be over. We are also trying to focus conversations on the positive. </p>
<p>One big concern is the migraines - I asked her about mold and there IS mold in the bathroom. She is on a suite style building so the bathroom is next to her room. I told her to the tell the RA about it but I may make a phone call myself to Parson’s housing.</p>