My daughter who is in middle school has loved diving for the last 3 years. She is part of a great program in our neighborhood which is one of the best. In the last 3 months, she has become increasingly scared/afraid of the new dives that she needs to learn, and it has gotten to the point where she refuses to go to practice and efforts to get her to go ends up in crying sessions. She has told me that she wants to quit, as she feels that all the other kids are not scared and she is the only one. Is this normal, or do some kids just not have the temperament for the sport? Her coaches of course say many kids go through these phases, but how long are these phases? Should I let her take a break for few months? I feel as though we need to make some kind of a go/no-go decision because the sport will become so intense soon, involving 6 days/week training year round.
No experience with diving but my feeling is that any kid who is crying over a sport or ECs needs to stop and find something else they really enjoy.
Gosh, just let her quit. Why would you even think of forcing her to do it? Let her pick something new. That in itself is a good thing. In no way a parent of a diver though LOL, but that sounds awful.
It really doesn’t matter if no other kid is scared or if every other kid is scared - SHE is. Doesn’t matter if it is normal or if most get over it. Do you really want her frightened now? Let her decide to quit or take a break or compete at a different level.
I don’t know… we just worked our 11 yr old thru a bad case of the yips but not once was he in tears b/c he didn’t want to go to practice. There were tears b/c he knew he was playing like poo, but not b/c he wanted to quit. You know your child best, but it does sound like maybe she’s ready to move on.
Not a parent of a diver, but my daughter was in a different sport that had it’s own element of fear. After a fall she went through a phase where she’d complain that her stomach hurt on the drive to practice. We were spending a fair amount of money on this sport for it be a stressful experience for her (and also for me). So we took a bit of a break and when we went back she started back at a lower level. She worked her way back up slowly and it’s sport she loves to this day.
My D competed in gymnastics for years and made a decision to stop after middle school. She had more or less peaked as a gymnast (she was good but no Olympics or major scholarship would be in her future), the time and demands kept increasing, and to top that off her long time coach was moving away. I think that the important thing was it was my D’s choice. As things turned out, it was really the best decision she could have made.
My D started HS feeling like there was a hole without her gymnastics – it had been so ingrained in her schedule/life. But she actively sought out and got involved with a number of new and different activities (theater, community service, literary journal) which expanded her horizons and eventually led to leadership roles, she got more serious about her violin playing (played throughout HS and college), and still had more time for the increasing demands of her academics. It was a win-win.
And interestingly in her junior year of HS the school re-started a gymnastics team and she was asked to join the new team. She gave it some thought but in the end she decided that she loved all of her new activities and didn’t want to give them up to go back to gymnastics. She had moved on and was happy.
So I’d say if your D is unhappy with diving she should stop (perhaps wait until the end of the season if she is on a team). She will be starting HS where there will be many new things she can get involved in and where the academics will require more time. There is no reason to be stressed and unhappy in an activity.
I hope it works out well for your D.
I would be worried that her fear could jeopardize her performance and lead to an injury in a sport like diving. I raised a pro athlete and certainly went through emotional ups and downs but it was more about not playing well, not winning and wanting to be better. Confidence and mental toughness issues are a normal part of being an athlete throughout their sport time/career, but fear is a different animal altogether. Some kids fear losing, but that is not the same thing your D is experiencing. She is scared of her sport. Absolutely, in any sport there are some kids that don’t have the temperament, whether it is for the sport itself or competition in general. I would ask her if she wants to step away for awhile and let it work itself out. Maybe she will return or maybe not. Support her decision, always.
You say the program is great, but look beyond reputation of the program and see the coaches for who they really are - and determine if they really understand what kids go through and what is normal. Regardless, you know your daughter way better than he/she does. And there are always sports psychologists if it were to come to that - but way before that, she has to want to continue to some degree.
Sometimes it is really hard for the parent to let go of the sport. It has become your circle of life too, but you have to do what’s best for her. Hopefully a dive parent can chime in that understands the sport’s phases. But a fearful athlete in a sport that has some degree of risk worries me.
Best to you all.
Please just let her quit!
A good friend’s daughter had the same issue with the next level in gymnastics. The requirements just scared her. It was time to move on at that point. Good luck.
@adlgel Climbing?
I would let her quit and support her if she chooses another activity to fill the void.
I agree with everyone else. Also, the coaches don’t have your daughter’s best interests as an entire person in mind. They have a job and it’s not guiding her to be a whole, healthy, happy, well-adjusted adult.
I might offer, but certainly not insist on, seeing a therapist to help her work through it and get past it. But if she’s done, if she’s now hit the point where the fear outweighs the pleasure in the sport and she wants to move on to other things, then let her.
First off you know your child better than any of us.
Just ask her what she truly wants to do in her heart and go with it.
I am not the parent of a diver, but been around different sports. If you are reluctant to let her quit here are some facts. Your daughter will not make the olympics. Your daughter most likely will not get a scholarship. If she does get a scholarship it most likely will not be a full scholarship. So why put her through something like that.
I will say we only had one rule in our house start a season finish it.
In 1979-80, my future SIL was ranked 5th in her event. Fifth in the US. She had NO chance at the Olympics. Only 2 divers went in the event (and in fact no one from the US went to the summer Olympics in 1980) and she had NO chance to move up 3 spots. She did go to college, and she did have a scholarship. And she did enjoy it and she was fearless.
My D was done with a potentially dangerous sport in middle school. She had been quite successful for her age but as the skill level and her fear ramped up she decided she didn’t want to continue. We supported her decision. A few years later some kids she had competed against were in the Olympics. D watched in awe and was sure she had made the right decision for her.
Please let her quit before she gets hurt!
(My nephew was state ranked, enjoying diving, and hoping for a scholarship. But he hit a kneecap on the board and is spending his senior year recovering from surgery.)
I wonder about the guilt parents might carry in the Nassar scenario, how many of those kids were forced through crying or sore tummies, to continue because grit and determination is a thing. That it was just a phase. Unimaginable, right?
I had a diver, and before that she was a gymnast. Different situation. She cried. I always suggested she quit, but she never would because she loved it. Sigh. I wish I would have just pulled the plug because it wasn’t worth the angst. When the second one was in middle school, she came home one day and said she was ready to be done. She quit at the end of the season. And she probably was at the right level and progressing well enough that a scholarship would have been a possibility, and women’s gymnastics is a headcount sport, so there’s full or nothing at d1. However, when a kid wants to quit, I think you let them. Now, you can insist they choose something other activity if you want them in things, even another sport if you want to keep them active, but no sport/activity is worth the investment of their time if she’s begging to quit. FWIW, the crier went on to drill and dance teams at school, and the other became a rated fencer.
Do you think there might be an issue with her coach or any of the teammates? Given that it is middle school, I know that on my boys teams, the coaching started to get more serious and the sport “less fun” for my younger S. Also, bullying can be rampant.
If it is just fear of height or injury, I would just let her quit. My same S played football through middle school and stopped at HS (to my relief). He was smaller than many of the boys and tired of getting knocked off his feet. He moved on to another sport.
I believe that you have to be guided by your children. While it was not a particularly physically dangerous activity, my D did Irish step dancing for a couple of years. She loved it at the beginning and did very well, winning some competitions. Then, she got to the level where you had to have the fancy wigs and just having Grandma put your bone straight hair in curlers and pin curls didn’t cut it any more. She developed an intense fear/dislike of the wigs. She was convinced her real hair would fall out and the wigs would give her lice, which she had caught at school in second grade so she knew what it was. Nothing we could say worked and she just cried and cried when it was time to go to class. After s few weeks, we let her quit. She’s 27 now and occasionally still plays her Irish music tapes and dances in her apartment. For me, it was an opportunity to give her a choice. She replaced that activity with drama club and choir, activities that appealed more to her talents, which lay in singing and playing guitar more than dancing.