<p>I'm about to have a bachelor's degree in mortuary science but my mother still treats me like a child and shows no support in my decision. She still wants to go to doctors appointments with me and has gone into parent mode in public many times. Shes embarrassing and even as a child she never treated me like this. I am not sure how to handle it anymore. What blows my mind is I have no support from her when it comes to college. Its hard enough telling people what I will be doing but she always says "we will see if it lasts". She thinks im a child with some wild imagination and has some wierd obsession with bodies. People always hear "I dont think she will last" and it hurts. I try talking about it with her but she tells me "I need to grow up and stop imagining things". She still comes to doctors appointments with me, grocery shopping, and talks bad about what I do for a living. Please help me. </p>
<p>When your degree is done, get your own job and health insurance and move out. Don’t tell her when you have a doctor’s appointment. If you want to be treated like an adult, become self supporting and live like one.</p>
<p>Good thing i dont live with her. I have a job, car, ect. </p>
<p>This reminds of something my colleague told me not long ago. He is almost 30 yo. He said that even though whatever their parents have could be his at any time, his parents will never take any of his opinions or whatever he says seriously. Whatever he said to his parents, his parents would just say “yea, yea, we hear you.” But they will never truly listen, and his opinion does not account for anything.</p>
<p>He believes that this is a hopeless case: as long as his parents are still alive, they will continue to treat him as “just their child” (as if he were a 5 yo) and this will never change.</p>
<p>He is a new immigrant who came from South Asia India half a decade ago (i.e., he did not grow up in US. and his parents are likely still in their home country.)</p>
<p>You can move 2,500 miles away from home like I did! But that means you might NOT have your parents’ support when you really do need it (like when you have kids yourself).</p>
<p>Does mom have her own life? Could she help other younger children in her community? </p>
<p>You can’t control your mother, and you just have to accept her as she is. Once you are completely on your own, you can maintain your privacy by not sharing details of your life if you don’t want to. </p>
<p>However, to maintain a relationship with her, you can consider sharing some parts of your life, but not depend on her response. She’s going to say what she is going to say, but you can still be happy about getting a new job, or other big event in your life.</p>
<p>I’m surprised the health care practitioner didn’t ask her to step out of the room when you go to the doctor. You can go on your own, but if you are on her health insurance plan, she will see something like a bill. Your information is private. Some things you may choose to share, for instance something like allergy testing would need to be shared with her if she cooks some family meals. You could also invite her to go shopping with you to spend time together. </p>
<p>Pick your battles so to speak- and let mom be part of your life while maintaining privacy for what you feel should be private. </p>
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<p>If you don’t live with her and you have your own job and car (etc), then how is she still coming to your doctor’s appointments and going grocery shopping with you? Can’t you… not tell her when your appointment is or when you’re going grocery shopping? Even if she says she wants to go, can’t you just say that you already went or that you can’t go when she can or that you’re fine going on your own. I’m having a hard time understanding how she can insert herself in your life so much if you’re living independently. Are you financially independent? If you are able to support yourself, then that will help you to be more independent from her. Parents will never really stop being your parents, but the best way to be treated like an adult is to act like one.</p>
<p>About talking badly about what you want to do, all you can do is tell her to stop. Beyond that, you just have to show her that you know what you’re doing. Get a job in your field, support yourself, explain what you do to your friends and families. There are some jobs that people always need to explain or defend, but if you want it enough, then that’s not a deal breaker. Get a job far enough away from her that she can’t drop by all the time, if you really can’t deal with her.</p>
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<p>My parents are still like this and I am over 50 (and they are not immigrants). I just live far away, it is best. I get why you might have to let her know when you have a dr. appointment if you are still on her health insurance. But you can ask her not to come into the examining room when you get there. Notify the doctor that you don’t want her in the room if you have to. Under HIPPA regs, I think the doctor would have to respect this and would not be allowed to share any info about your health care with her. You might let her know that next time you go you expect to see the doctor alone so she is not surprised.</p>
<p>If you already tried to stop her from badmouthing your profession I don’t know what to do. You could give an ultimatum if it is that bad for you. I would certainly interrupt her if it was in my presence. But I know a Dr whose parents said he isn’t a real Dr because he is a psychiatrist and these are educated people, teachers. And I have a friend who was faculty at a university and the father said they it was time she got work in the real world, and that person was uneducated and obviously ignorant. The point is sometimes unsupportive people have to be ignored.</p>
<p>I am middle aged, and am still learning that you can not change anyone else. You can only change yourself, and you can choose how to react to others around you. You can choose your actions, but not how others react to those actions.</p>
<p>So, you get to decide how you will live your life. An adult is allowed to go to a doctor’s appointment alone. If you are still on your mom’s health insurance, she will see that you went to the doctor, but you are allowed to visit and make the copayment without her. How your mom reacts to your decision to change the current pattern and routine for doctor appointments is up to her. She can fuss, cry, drop you from her health insurance, etc. </p>
<p>So, you get to decide if you tell her about dr appts. She gets to decide if you stay on her health insurance. (If you have your own health insurance, this is a no brainer. Stop telling her when you are going to the doctor!)</p>
<p>If you have your own car and your own money, WHY in the world are you still grocery shopping with your mom? Again, no brainer. If she calls to arrange your next shopping trip, let her know “oh, I ran out of XX and had to run to the store last night, so I just went ahead and did my shopping.” You don’t have to make a big deal out of it, and you could instead take her out for a cup of coffee/tea or some other activity she would enjoy.</p>
<p>If you are so busy and don’t spend time with your mom at all, she may be holding on to these appts and shopping trips as a reason to get to interact with you. Give her alternative ways to get to see you that don’t involve her controlling your daily life.</p>
<p>You can draw a line in the sand “I am now an adult and this is not appropriate behavior” and she will either choose to abide by your wishes or act out, threaten to cut you from the will, tell everyone you are a bad son, etc. </p>
<p>Which is more important to you? Your independence, or keeping your mom quiet and happy? If you live your entire life trying not to rock her boat, she will still be going to the dr appts with you when you are 40 years old. Is that what you want? Do you wish to have a relationship/get married someday? Your future spouse will appreciate you making changes to a more appropriate parent/child relationship!</p>
<p>It is not easy for a parent to let go, and it is not easy for a child to back away from a loving, but smothering parent. It is possible, however, to stop and look at what you might be doing/not doing to encourage/allow the current situation to continue.</p>
<p>If you don’t make any changes, you can’t expect different results. The ball is in your court, and you need to decide how much change you are brave enough to challenge.</p>
<p>Good luck to you!</p>
<p>So… kind of wondering if the OP is letting mom make the doctor’s appointments (and maybe pay for the groceries)? You gotta act like an adult and set some boundaries. Which means taking responsibility for things yourself (setting up appointments, making a copy of the insurance card so you have it, going grocery shopping on your own and footing the bill). And develop a consistent response when your mom belittles your profession. Something like, “Mom, I would appreciate it if you would not criticize my chosen professional course in life. If you continue, I am going to have to leave for today.” And if she does continue, then leave for the day.</p>
<p>You certainly have every right to keep your medical information confidential, but also consider that as your parent, your mother is concerned about your health. Do you have some kind of medical condition that she took care of when you were little and she is concerned about? Are you being responsible for taking care of your own health? She may not be able to let go emotionally until she sees that you are able to handle your health care on your own. </p>
<p>Some kids respond to a controlling parent by witholding all information, and that could increase her wish to be too involved in some aspects of your life. Your mother needs to handle her own fears and issues, but also consider if you are feeding into her fears by not telling relevant information, or engaging in behaviors that threaten your health. You could have an agreement that you will visit the doctor alone, keep personal information private, but give her a report on your health in general. </p>
<p>I understand that some medical information is personal, and not for a parent to know, but a phone call like “Mom, I went to student health for a sore throat and I am taking antibiotics for Strep” may do a better job of showing your mom that you are taking care of yourself than saying nothing at all.</p>