Need an essay graded! Taking the jan test!!

<p>Prompt: Are people's lives the result of the choices they make?</p>

<p>Whatever choices we make have an effect not only on ourselves but also on others. This effect carries monumental consequences for our lives, and can either bring us to the right or wrong path. The notion that people's lives are the result of the decisions they make is exemplified in former-president Andrew Johnson, and the works of Ralph Ellison.</p>

<p>Former-president Andrew Johnson embodied the paradigm that one's choices bear significance on the result of one's life. For instance, when Johnson became president he made many choices that were against the beliefs of the country at the time. Johnson vetoed the Freedmen's Bureau (an attempt to help freed African Americans become assimilated into society), and almost managed to veto the Civil Rights Bill (another attempt for pro-black suffrage), which were acts that were despised at the time by the Northern citizens. Johnson made many poor decisions like those vetoes which resulted in his near impeachment and low popularity. Thus it is seen here that Johnson's decisions later had an effect on his life. Had Johnson been more willing to work with the North, and not veto most of its proposed bills, Johnson could have become one of our most successful presidents.</p>

<p>Ralph Ellison's, Invisible Man, novel also clearly illustrates the principle that our lives are the result of our choices. For example, when the protagonist decides to join the cult organization as a prominent spokesperson, his life is altered instantly. At first the protagonist is too naive and believes the organization is working toward the equal rights of African Americans. However, the protagonist later learns that the organization harbors seditious intentions, and it goals have corrupted. As a result, the organization arbitrarily sets out to kill the protagonist, as it brings an uprising within the town. The protagonist managed to escape but remained trapped in an underground sewer (where he spent the next few years contemplating about his mistakes). Hence it is also seen here that one's life is the result of one's choices. Since the protagonist made the choice of joining the cult organization, his life afterwards became trapped and isolated. Had he made the decision to work somewhere else, his future would have been much more promising.</p>

<p>From these examples it becomes blatant that our lives are the aftermath of our choices. President Johnson could have been a much more respected and prominent person had he made different decisions. The protagonist could have lived an affluent and jocular life if he would have taken a different job. Thus it is substantiated and proved that our lives are the result of our choices.</p>

<p>In your first example it looks like you say that the North was against the Civil Rights act. Instead of using the word act in the sentence “which were acts that were despised,” I would use ‘actions’ because acts makes it ambiguous; it can refer to both the Act (bill) itself or Johnson’s act of vetoing. </p>

<p>But overall, I would give your essay an 11. I think it is very eloquent and you defend your position with thought out examples. As long as this essay fills both pages fully, I would say you would get an 11-12 for this essay.</p>

<p>thanks for the feedback! so what is the most important thing I should improve on? Or is everything just fine-tuning from here?</p>

<p>You’re right about that one sentence. Normally i would make sure that my sentences werent ambiguous but 25 minutes really pressures me.</p>

<p>You won’t have time to write that =O. You need 5 minutes to think. 5 more minutes to think on what words to use. Pressure will waste you 5 minutes. That will leave you 10 minutes to write, check, and given you make no errors.</p>

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<p>With all due respect, what are you talking about? At least I don’t sit for 10 minutes on the SAT just thinking. 10 minutes into the section, I tend to be done with 3/4ths of a page. And if anything pressure makes me write faster, not slower. Although I do find myself needing 2 mins to think about what examples to use. (At the end of 2, I start writing even if I don’t have 3 examples and just leave a space in my intro for it. I then keep thinking while I’m writing the other two examples.) And how do YOU “write [and] check” two full pages in 10 minutes? I’m not sure if that is humanely possible.</p>

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<p>I think you just need to fine-tune from here. I mean you have it down. You could maybe try adding an example or something, but I think your essay is fine. Even if you do two examples, you should be fine especially since you analyzed your examples pretty deeply. Good luck on the Jan 2010 SAT btw.</p>

<p>I’m pretty sure that’s more than 2 pages, unless your writing is minuscule…</p>

<p>But it’s good, cut out some crap in between to shorten it though. It’s better to get through all your examples and a solid conclusion than to elaborate on each and not have time to finish.</p>