So I’m a 19 year old Muslim kid who has high hopes in going to Virginia Commonwealth University. The problem is, my parents don’t. They want me to stay at home and go to a local college instead of go away to one. Problem is, the local college near me isn’t the right…“fit” for me. I also just really need to get away from my family. I grew up in a strict religious household, meaning I wasn’t allowed to do anything. No beaches, no vacations, no late summer nights or anything of the sort. Just the occasional trip to the mall for two-three hours. Now, in no way am I saying I hate my parents. I love them and all, they buy me essentially anything I want/need, but they’re way too controlling. It’s almost as if they expect me to agree with their decisions because they’ve bought me stuff. My parents also hate my best friend of 5 years, whom I was planning on moving in with once I enrolled at VCU. They wouldn’t approve of us staying together. That’s one of the main reasons why they’re against letting me go. I know that if I do end up going to VCU, I won’t have their support. At this point, I have no idea where to turn. I’m lost beyond words and I feel so hopeless. I still want to go away no matter what they say, but I keep thinking about all the financial issues that come with the cost of living there (also the emotional ones). Lately my parents have been too overbearing, and I just want to explore the world for myself. I’ve been sheltered from everything and I want out. What do y’all think I should do at this point? Just shut up and deal with it, or go off?
Are you from Va? How far is VCU from home? What are the cost differentials between going where your parents want you to go vs VCU? Why VCU – is there some program or major there that doesn’t exist at the local school or does you simply want to go there to get away or because your best friend is going? Have your parents said why they don’t want you to move out and when they would “allow” it – i.e. do they have the view that after college, you can move; or is it more like – you’ll stay here until you’re married? Would it help your cause if you tell them you’ll got to VCU but not room with your best friend?
You obviously don’t have to answer anything you don’t want to, but these are the first questions that come to mind given the issue you raise. If you answer some here (or via private message), you may get some thoughts/ideas.
Yes I’m from VA, VCU is about 3-4 hours from home. Cost differentials are actually the same, just housing issues. And I’m choosing VCU because of it’s pre-med program. This has nothing to do with my best friend going, it was just more excitement added to this. They have this view that I’ll stay here until I’m married, and even then I’ll still be here with my wife. It wouldn’t help my cause at all, I’d still end up getting the same response from both of them.
I am a big believer in facing realities and making the best of the situations we find ourselves in. I imagine that even though you and your parents don’t agree about where you need to be for the next four years, you still believe they want what is best for you. Parents usually do, even though they do sometimes get it wrong.
You can make your case to them as persuasively as you can, and hope to win their support (financial and otherwise) for your plans, but they aren’t obligated to give it. If they don’t, assuming their financial support and blessing is critical to your future, then you should make the most of the local college option. I don’t mean to make light of your feelings (“lost” and “beyond words”). But there are worse things tragedies that people have endure. You have parents who provide everything you need and want. They are willing to support you as further your education, even if it isn’t everything you want it to be in terms of experience. If nothing else, look at the local college option as the path to the independence, financial and otherwise, that you seem to desire so much, and make the most of it that you can.
I wish you the best regardless of how this gets resolved.
I agree, there are people in way worse straights. If you want to try to convince them about VCU I’d first drop the idea of living with the friend they don’t like and see if you can find a housing situation they will be more comfortable with as a compromise (better to branch out and meet new people anyway). Maybe you can find a wellness dorm, a pre-med/science dorm or something like that. Talk to them about ways you will stay in touch (Skype etc.). Research the Muslim students group at VCU again because it may make your parents more comfortable if there is a vibrant community at the school. See if they will at least go to accepted students day with you and give the school a chance.
If VCU doesn’t work out, remember how many people would still love to be in your position and be able to attend a four year college.
He absolutely does not have everything he needs and wants, such as autonomy, freedom, and respect. For a 19 year old man to suck it up for another four years, then wait to get married, is just not acceptable.
@sorghum: OP has material and educational resources. OP doesn’t have traditional Western ideas of freedom for a 19 YO. You say it’s unacceptable. Other cultures say differently. Surely you’d agree that OP’s parents clearly view their “deal” with their son/daughter to be reasonable. It happens here in the West too. There would be teen agers from other strict religious or ethnic backgrounds that would face the EXACT same restrictions: eg. Jehovah’s Witness, Amish, Mormon, Hasidic Judaism, other religious orders – heck, even “old fashioned” Italian or Chaldean families who would never let their daughters attend a non-commuter college. My community has many Muslim teens that face what the OP is facing. Several of my daughter’s friends are in the exact same boat – some families are more permissive – some are sticking to their guns. My judgments on what is “acceptable” or “not acceptable” are worth nothing to them.
OP: to make your argument, you should remove your plans for rooming with your friend from the table. Why make the idea of VCU less inviting when you don’t have to be linked with that person? Perhaps go to VCU and meet with the Muslim Students assoc advisers or students and get some feedback? Perhaps go to your mosque’s leadership and see if you can find an ally? Surely there are other families there who have allowed their kids to go away? Can you find assistance among them? Even if it’s to arm yourself (in your parents’ eyes) with how to navigate college from other parents whose kids have successfully done so? GL to you.
I am curious why your parents hate your best friend ? If he wasn’t going to VCU, would they be more open to you spreading your wings ? Maybe they don’t trust him and fear you falling into bad habits because of him ? Is there anything legitimate about their fears ?
OP is a man, that makes it more unusual. The point is that it is unacceptable to him; the OP does in fact have traditional Western ideas of freedom. His parents don’t.
If I were you, I would leave home and go away to school. People on this forum can argue all they want about Western vs. non-Western ideas (and I am not originally from here, by the way), but ultimately if personal freedom is something you value, regardless of what culture you come from, I believe it’s worth it.
If it were me, I would focus on finding any school I could afford (through merit aid, scholarships, etc.) without parent assistance, and then I would go for it. Just because a parent may think they know what’s best for a child doesn’t mean they actually do - parents are human - with flaws, prejudices, and baggage, just like the rest of us.
When someone is truly ready for full autonomy, freedom and respect, they don’t have the expectation of someone else’s financial and emotional support. Such a person doesn’t feel they have no where to turn, they are not lost beyond words, and they are not hopeless. They look inside themselves. They know exactly what they want to do and they do it. They may accept help when it is offered, but they don’t demand it, from their parents, from the state, or anyone else.
@SucessYearning, I know there are many schools in VA that are easier to get into than UVA and VT or W&M with pre-med programs. Christopher Newport, for example. Are any of those schools available to you, and perhaps closer to home?
Is it possible that your parents might view a closer school with an active Muslim student group where your friend is NOT planning to attend in a more positive way?
@LOUKYDAD - completely disagree. Firs of all, someone doesn’t need to be ready for “freedom and respect.” Respect, at the very least, should be a default. And if we define adulthood as a person not needing emotional support, as you put it, that would eliminate half of the actual adults in the population - good or bad, many adults are extremely dependent on friends/spouses/family for emotional support.
It’s normal not to have everything figured out and to have doubts and questions.
Saying someone is just “not ready” is often a simple control tactic. Because guess what? No one is really fully ready. When I moved into a new city, by myself, was I 100% ready? Probably not. But you figure it out and you move forward, and I believe it was a fantastic decision, and now I am self-sufficient. If every adult waited until their parents thought they were ready (especially extremely conservative parents), half would never move out.
Have you thought about entering counseling?
I am concerned that you are feeling so lost and hopeless,
overwhelmed with family problems and feeling stuck and without direction.
You could benefit greatly from a therapist who can assess the situation,
and help you identify your options.
acollegestudent- unless the OP has the resources to put himself through college and support himself independently throughout, then he is going to have to come to terms with his parents. Remember that the OP can’t borrow the necessary funds without a co-signer, so he can’t completely alienate his parents and expect them to support him in a decision they do not agree with. What you are saying is very idealistic but not very practical.
You’ve gotten good feedback here and you seem like a reasonable kid. Seconding the not living with a friend and talking to the on campus muslim group. Maybe they have roommates that your folks would feel better about.
And if the cost being relatively equal depends on fin aid, you want to be certain that aid will actually come.
This thread issue isn’t limited to the parents’ religious or family values. It happens to plenty of kids, for various reasons. And we usually advise them to understand the difference between what the kid “really, really” wants versus the dependency on the parents. We do sometimes end up saying, get the education, then stake your independence. And, if OP is constrained now in what he’s allowed to do, he’s likely not going to start earning college monies now.