Need during-HS gap year ideas for bright, failing son

Parents Forum
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<p>I have a stepson who is like this - maybe not the genius part, but he’s bright, does reasonably well on exams, but refuses to do homework. We’ve tried everything, believe me, but he just won’t do it, and as his stepdad I finally just turned it back over to his mom to avoid conflicts. At least he’s a good kid, and seems to be doing a little better this senior year after visiting his grandma in South America. We’re just basically going to hope he finishes high school and then pursue a few options which include a year off to work on his uncle’s farm, community college, or maybe some other reasonable thing he might have in mind. He’s almost 18, not a kid anymore, I am satisfied that we did our best. </p>

<p>Two sort of conflicting points -

  1. I am amazed at how much homework and busy work they give kids now. It is a little ridiculous. I certainly don’t remember doing this when I went to school - 1970s - and I was a very good student at a very good school. As I recall, I used to be able to finish my math homework at the last five minutes of class that they usually gave us to do it. I did projects, and read assignments, but certainly don’t remember doing much “study” studying.</p>

<p>that said ,
2. I don’t know anybody who is intellectually challenged constatnly in their worklife. I am a fairly high level electrical engineer and I still have to do a lot of mundane stuff I don’t like (eg trip report, budgetary stuff, memos and meetings, etc.) I think it is a rare individual who doesn’t have to deal with some boring stuff in their life. My kid is always saying “this is boring” or “that is boring.” But unless he is extremely lucky he’s going to have to learn to deal with it to come to terms with life. I don’t have any solution to this, I just think it’s reality.</p>

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<p>You make good points, bovertine. I have been amazed at the amount of paper that kids are supposed to manage these days, related to your point about the amount of homework/busywork. My younger child’s supply list this year (middle school) cost me over $100 and many hours at 6 different stores, finding the binders (of specified width), folders, and spiral notebooks for each class in the required colors to contain all this paper, as well as the various pens, pencils, glue sticks, index cards, etc., etc. I never had anything like this.</p>

<p>I agree that no one is free from tedious tasks, on the job or off. But I see a difference between a kid who is with intellectual peers and appropriately challenged dealing with the less interesting tasks, and a kid who is not with intellectual peers and not being challenged at all, so that it all becomes tedious.</p>

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<p>Tearing, I think you should call Simon’s Rock on Monday.</p>

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<p>Or if you’d like, I’ll call on your behalf.</p>

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<p>I’m guessing that when your son pursues his science related interest, that he does whatever work is neccessary? He is probably amazing at that and no doubt enjoys the success he has had. It has got to be so difficult when everyone is disappointed with him, I really give you credit for trying to give him whatever he needs. I’ve heard that alot of geniuses were diagnosed with ADD or considered problem children when they were young.</p>

<p>I don’t remember doing one single piece of homework in high school. There is SO much work now, it seems ridiculous. I have a kid that always bought into the “it’s the learning, not the grades” that we told him…till high school when we said, “No, you have to get into college, it’s grades-forget what we said!” He was able to tolerate doing the homework, grudgingly, minimally, that was required. His idea was that he was more concerned that he didn’t want to do poorly-than actually trying to do well. It definitely sounds like a change of environment (NOT dropping out of school) might be just what he needs. An opportunity to start with a fresh slate, where nobody knows him.</p>

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<p>Owlice, you are very kind to offer to call them! I will call them myself, encouraged by your encouragement to think that perhaps they will be willing to at least talk to me?</p>

<p>You’re right, Av8r, that DS is very persistent when he is trying to solve a problem in his hobby/science research. He loses track of time, and becomes completely immersed in what he is doing. He has a friend who likes to come over and hang out for hours in the workroom, and sometimes I can tell that DS wishes his friend would leave so that he could get back to whatever he was in the middle of. I’m hoping that I can find the fight “fresh slate” for him.</p>

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<p>If he is physically and mentally okay and just needs a real break from what he is doing now - especially if the Simon’s Rock idea does not work out - an unusual option to consider would be to spend a year in Norway at a Norwegian Folk school. Not too expensive. He’d learn Norwegian and something interesting outside of usual academics (nature photography?) No grades, no tests, no trying to make progress toward a degree. I think you can’t start before your 18th birthday, though.

<a href=“http://www.folkehogskole.no/index.php?page_id=354&set_session_n=0&set_session_navn_0=sess_top_selected_id&set_session_verdi_0=0[/url]”>http://www.folkehogskole.no/index.php?page_id=354&set_session_n=0&set_session_navn_0=sess_top_selected_id&set_session_verdi_0=0&lt;/a&gt;
Heard about these here on collegeconfidential. Someone on these boards knew which ones were best for kids coming in not speaking Norwegian.Here are they ones that particularly say they will teach you Norwegian:
<a href=“http://www.folkehogskole.no/index.php?page_id=50&set_session_n=0&set_session_navn_0=sess_top_selected_id&set_session_verdi_0=0[/url]”>http://www.folkehogskole.no/index.php?page_id=50&set_session_n=0&set_session_navn_0=sess_top_selected_id&set_session_verdi_0=0&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

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<p>That’s a great suggestion, MidwestMom! I will definitely keep it in mind, especially if some of the schools take 17-year-olds.</p>

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<p>If he hasn’t developed study skills (because he hasn’t had the need to study), organizational skills to complete assignments, or motivation to even begin assignments living under your roof, how is he going to handle what is required of him when he is left to his own independence? IMO–this is the big question. Will he be able to handle the transition?</p>

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<p>That’s why he needs some structure that gives him challenging work as well as support.</p>

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<p>OP- I have no words of wisdom to add to what you’ve gotten here and don’t have any specific suggestions for you. But I wanted to throw out at you something you haven’t heard yet on this thread… there are many, many successful adults out there paying taxes and getting the oil changed in their car and shoveling their sidewalks and yes, holding down interesting and useful jobs who had HS experiences similar to those of your son.</p>

<p>So you’re doing the right thing-- looking for solutions right now, and being creative about the problem-identification and problem solving. But I’d also encourage you to keep the long view here if at all possible (and I know it must be heart breaking and scary and frustrating to have spent money, time, anguish on stop gap solutions.) The point here is not to get your son’s transcript “fixed”. The point (as you well know) is to get him successfully launched into adulthood. And there are many paths to get to that point. You probably know people who are in wonderful and admirable situations in their lives who had a circuitous route through late adolescence. </p>

<p>I had a boss early in my career who was absolutely brilliant but had severe LD’s. He was incredibly frustrating for me to work with-- we were a very poor match- but it was my first experience as an adult working for someone whose brain wasn’t wired the way I would have expected someone smart and successful to be. As I got to know him and realized that he was the kid whose parents had been pulling their hair out for over a decade- it was sort of humbling. Brilliant man (and wealthy- all self-made) but I don’t think he ever finished HS although he eventually got a college degree. More gray hairs for his parents, I’m sure.</p>

<p>You’ve been suckered by a lot of self-described experts in this or that, so I’m sure it is tempting to just decide, “one last ditch effort”. But even parents of less challenging kids want to throw in the towel-- whether it’s oppositional behavior or drugs or poor choices in BFs or GFs or toxic friendships or drunk driving. You’ve shown a lot of insight and patience in helping your son up until now, and cyberhugs to you as you figure out if there’s another path to take right now.</p>

<p>Sometimes giving up one dream (college at 18, degree at 22) means opening up the door to another, better dream.</p>

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<p>Wow, blossom, what a perceptive and heartfelt post. I wish I would have posted here in the earlier years to help us work through one child’s issues–to get such thoughtful advice.</p>

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<p>Thank you, blossom, that is beautiful and such a helpful reminder to keep some perspective on the situation. I will keep your words in mind as we navigate this crisis. </p>

<p>nysmile, yes, that’s the big question. I wish I could, as marite suggests, find a situation that offers both challenge and support. I guess it would have been a good independent HS, but that ship has probably sailed. Now it is going to be up to him, and I hope we can find the right place for him. I am leaning at the moment toward a solution that combines life experience (research internship or volunteer work), a college class, an online class or two, and therapy. He actually does have enough in the way of credentials that a research internship would not be out of the question, even if he drops out of HS.</p>

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<p>TearningMyHairOut, I haven’t kept up with this thread all the way through, but I’ll just say I think you might be doing yourself and your kid a favor to stop thinking of it as “dropping out” of high school. That term is so loaded with negative connotations.</p>

<p>Consider it a “transfer” to a homeschool-based, experiential eclectic program wherein he can best engage his significants talents and intelligence! :)</p>

<p>To call it “dropping out” is to buy into the very paradigm that has failed him.</p>

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<p>Thank you for pointing that out, 'rent - I will excise that negative term from my vocabulary, and be sure to present the new options in positive terms!</p>

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<p>Tearing, we’re in CA. Daughter’s (realistic) options include Berkeley and UCLA. She’ll be fine. She’s a little disappointed right now as she realizes that some LACs won’t even consider her due to her HS record, but it is what it is. She has to live with the choices she made, which isn’t a bad life lesson at all for a young adult.</p>

<p>Even as I was tearing my hair out, I held on to the idea that D would eventually be OK - she’s so smart, and overall a good kid. She just needed time to work out whatever her issues were, and I think that allowing her to take that time was the best support we could have given. Trust that your son, too, will eventually be just fine. To me, the biggest advantage of having more than one kid is realizing that they’re all different, and they all have to find their own path. We can set up the signposts, and we can make sure that they have all the equipment they need for the journey, but the destination our kids choose is ultimately up to them.</p>

<p>Best of luck to you and your son.</p>

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<p>

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<p>No, no, no! Your son does not need a drill sergeant! :slight_smile: If you order the Teenage Liberation Handbook that was suggested, you’ll get the idea. He needs to take ownership of his education. </p>

<p>It’s too complicated to get into all the details here, but basically your son would take his passion and the two of you would figure out ways to translate that into h.s. credit. For instance, you could come up with a list of related topics about which your son could do research and write papers in order to earn English credit. (There are resources out there that discuss how to determine an appropriate amount of work or level of achievement to receive credit.) </p>

<p>If your son is already competent in some or all of his math classes, get a textbook and have him take a comprehensive final exam in that subject. If he makes an A, then give him an A on his transcript and don’t worry that he needs to be doing a math class. He’s mastered the material. </p>

<p>For history/social studies, you could develop a reading list and require him to read every day from 1-2 p.m. (Sometimes this works better than saying, “You need to finish this book in the next 2 weeks.”) Ask him to come up with a way that he can demonstrate to you what he has learned. He could write a paper, make a movie, prepare a powerpoint, or participate in an online forum on the subject (I know everyone here would like that option!).</p>

<p>There are endless ways he can still have social contact. We homeschooled our kids, and our biggest problem was that there were too many social opportunities and we had to discipline ourselves to stay home and “do school”. If he wants to maintain friendships with his current friends, you will have to think of what things these kids do that your son could participate in with them. If not, there are other things. Do a search for “homeschooling” and your city or neighborhood and see what pops up. Our kids did things like Toastmasters classes, choir, a robotics team, and YMCA Youth & Government.</p>

<p>One advantage to homeschooling is that he can repair his transcript. I guess he’ll have 15 credits or so at the end of this semester. He could easily earn another 15 at home. There is no rule that you have to graduate when you reach 24 credits (or whatever the usual total is). If, for example, he did Trig in h.s. and made a C, then you could have him look over a trig text and take a final exam in it. If he makes an A, you can show another 1/2 credit of Trig with an A. Both of those grades will be calculated into his GPA.</p>

<p>You might consider using some CLEP tests and/or SAT Subject Tests to give him credit. There is no age limit on these. If he scores highly on one of those, give him credit and give him a grade. He knows the material.</p>

<p>I would tell him he has to do some kind of profitable outside activity (volunteer or extra-curricular preferably, rather than working at Burger King). He can decide what it will be, with you having to approve the choice.</p>

<p>He would have the opportunity to pull this thing out.</p>

<p>That said, I think the Simon’s Rock option would be the best one if that works out. This kid is ready for the intellectual challenge of college. You’ll need to figure out whether he’s ready for the other challenges. Perhaps the psychiatrist who evaluates him can help to determine this.</p>

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<p>Thanks, pamavision.</p>

<p>timely, I see the advantages of homeschooling/self-schooling, and I read some of the reviews of the Liberation book on Amazon, so I have some idea of the content. I am thinking about whether this might work for us. It would be a real leap of faith to do this, but we may decide to give it a try. It is, at least, one more possible path.</p>

<p>I am wondering about the “transcript repair,” though. Would colleges really believe a string of A’s from the “school of Mom” following a string of D’s from a HS, and just accept the combined GPA? As you point out, he could easily earn, honestly, a large number of credits in a short amount of time. But wouldn’t an admissions officer look at this with a jaundiced eye, even if there were some external credentials (AP scores, SAT subject scores, etc.)? What is CLEP?</p>

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<p>The boys at Bridgton seemed all over the place academically. There seemed to be a lot of ADD diagnoses about. Those on the bottom earned college credit that helped wipe out high school grades and convince a college to take a chance. Those at the top were tweaking their GPA’s or waiting a year to improve in a sport. My son wanted to leave town to get away from his embarrassment and frustration. Going to a small boarding school where everyone is in same boat worked it’s magic. He often said he hated the dorm’s lack of privacy and being stuck on campus without a car (our decision) but knew it was right for him. One year seems doable and the time flies by. Spending this money can be a tough decision when community college is the other choice. We could not really afford the prep school. I felt that we gave that year to our son as a gift. He needed to close the chapter on high school and I didn’t think a community college filled with old classmates would do it. He was touched that we were willing to spend the money; that it showed we had faith in him and he promised not to waste it. We were lucky, it worked.</p>

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<p>TMHO - I’ll be thinking of you this week as you pursue more options for your son. I hope one day he realizes how fortunate he is to have you as his advocate. I am also impressed with all the support you have received on this thread. These CC contributors are caring and helpful - kudos to all!</p>