Need help turning this essay into a 12

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1

<p>
[quote]
Think carefully about the information presented in the following excerpt and the assignment below.
[quote]
People's lives are the result of the choices they make—or fail to make. The path one takes in life is not arbitrary. Choices and their consequences determine the course of every person's life. All people, whatever their circumstances, make the choices on which their lives depend.

[/quote]
Are people's lives the result of the choices they make? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>The Essay:</p>

<p>
[quote]
One’s choices play a critical role in how his or her life turns out. A simple choice can lead to many more events that determine the outcome. Though it may not always be the choice intended, the results are imperative to one’s life. Examples from literary works, history, and the lives of people demonstrate how a person’s life is the result of his or her choice.</p>

<pre><code>In Shakespeare’s play Macbeth, the protagonist Macbeth made the choice to kill King Duncan. He was quite tentative at first but his sinister wife convinced him to go on with the murder. This murder turned the once respected person into a criminal incognito. He then acted more like a criminal and was willing to do just about anything to remain king.

Andrew Carnegie was a 19th century opportunist who took advantage of the amount of iron available in the United States. He founded a company that manufactured steel. Eventually the company grew bigger and made most of the steel in America. Argal, his business planning made him one of the richest men in the world.

People who finish college and get a degree tend to get better jobs than people who don’t. If a person does not even go to school, he would be subjected to a life of problems. That person would not get a good job because he would probably not qualify in the current state of economy. There are people who are always better.

After a careful analysis of the choice of Macbeth, Carnegie, and a hypothetical person, one can see that choices determine how one’s life turns out. The choice can be unintentional and may seem unimportant, but it may actually play a paramount role in the end result.

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<p>1) What score would this essay get?
2) How can this be improved to a 12?</p>

2

<p>It’s not bad, but it’s pretty skeletal at this point. You need to expand upon your supporting examples; 4 sentences is not enough. Your essay is pretty short, especially for one with three example paragraphs. It would be better to use two examples with lots of detail and development than three examples without much explanation.</p>

3

<p>Yeah, I also think it’s better to have a broader central part. Just try to involve some additional sentences by describing details. And as for the conclusion try to use more specific sentences, maybe some new fresh thoughts.</p>