need help with application essay!

<p>So one of my essay topics was: Discuss some issue of local, national or international concern and its importance to you.</p>

<p>I wrote an essay but am completely unsure of it. I feel like it doesnt quite come together or even if it answers the question effectively. If anybody could read it and offer any kind of constructive feedback, I would be forever grateful.</p>

<p>Here it is:</p>

<p>The Gold Room is a closet inside my school that holds everything from hot glue guns, to extra drum sets, to old cap and gowns acquired through the years, to props from old shows that my school has put on. It also inhabits dozens of old yearbooks. I yearn for the times my teacher gives me the key to the room and asks me to go look for something. My mission is always to find the oldest yearbook possible and marvel at how much things have changed.
One day, I was asked to go find some old fabric and handed the ironic, silver key to the Gold Room. I climbed on top the old boxes and found the yearbook of the 1960 graduating class. Looking through, I couldn’t help but be hit with a feeling of distress. Everyone seemed to be perfect. Boys were dressed in nice shirts and some, in ties. Girls wore nice dresses, with appropriate length. The Honor Society was more than 3 times the size it is now. Everybody had their ambitions written under their pictures. How awful my generation seemed in comparison to this one.
In a generation filled with lethargic kids addicted to facebook, television, and smart phones, I find myself disappointed. I looked at the most recent yearbook and compared the size of the Honor society. It was almost 3 times smaller than that of the 1960’s. Where has the ambition to do well in school gone? By modern standards, the “nerdy overachieving” kid is the kid who does exactly what is expected of him/her. By the standards of previous generations, they would be exactly what they are: kids who do what they have to do.
Walking through the halls, it’s tiring to see the things I see. Girls walk around in clothes that cover up no more than two Doritos and a band-aid would. Boys walk around with their pants belted at their ankles, because G-d forbid, their jeans fall from that appropriate spot. More and more kids ditch school or try to weasel their ways out of going to class. Understandably, every school from every point in time has had kids who cause trouble. But even looking at my friends, who are considered to be good kids, I am frustrated. Most of my friends are more concerned with what parties are going to be taking place that weekend, or how early they can get out of school. Don’t get me wrong, I am all for having fun. But priorities need to be set. It seems this has been lost over the years.
The loss of morality in people seems to be an issue in my life that constantly rears its ugly head. I often repress it, attributing it to the constantly changing times of the world. But this issue cannot be repressed because this issue leads to others that are far more prevalent. Raising kids, teenagers and young adults that lose sense of right and wrong, breeds a generation of people who do no good. Some of these kids go through life with a sense of mediocrity. But some go on to become criminals. If we attribute the attitudes of these kids as “immature” while they’re in school, how do we expect them to be different once they grow up? Once again, in every yearbook, you can point out kids who were “up to no good.” But this number of kids exponentially grows with every year. Morality is becoming an endangered species. Once it becomes extinct, we’ll be in for a world of trouble.</p>

<p>You sound fairly conceited in this essay, stating that you are much more morally upright than others. Still, if it is something you truly care about I suppose you can use it. I also suggest you take down your essay immediately, and only send it by PMing people with >100 posts. You don’t want anybody copying it or something like that.</p>

<p>I strongly recommend against posting your actual essay. Contact a moderator and ask them to delete it</p>

<p>My son has been having a past English teacher actually grading his essays. She has been a wonderful help. I agree with the other comment TAKE this DOWN…people are really sleazy & will steal ideas, etc</p>

<p>I’ll tell you what,
A) word of honesty, DONT pin up essays on public forums, PLAGIARISM can be a B**CH!!! and its not just your average urban myth, cuz if there’s a writer who writes better, he cud use ur idea with a few tweaks and if you guys both send your essays to a common school (rare but not impossible), he’ll take the cake and you’ll be the ‘almost made it’ guy. So, sincere advice, DONT…</p>

<p>B) The cardinal rule of essay writing for college is “NEVER MAKE ENEMIES”… It’ll make you look like ur the odd one out. The issue you address is perfectly legit, and I must say, I completely agree with you, the moral disintegration of society has a way of getting me too… But its like Wilde said, “the only people who speak ill of society are the ones who can’t get into it.” that’s the bottom line, where you start to become a hostile maverick, there’s a VERRRRRRRRRRY fine line to jumping to the other side and coming across as a social reject, which is something you don’t want to bring to light in your app… So, am i asking you to COMPLETELY edit the essay, no im not… But i’m asking you to make a little peace with it, you don’t want this to seem like a cause of concern. When you say things like Facebook have a habit of making purposeless zombies of us all, you COMPLETELY forget that it has its positive side too, we stay gelled together, even when we’re countries apart. I get the point ur trying to make here, society’s losing propriety, but make it on a softer note, a little less sharpness in the tone might make you seem like an intellectual rather than a pariah. </p>

<p>Hope this helps…</p>

<p>

</p>

<p>I think that sums it up perfectly. As this essay stands, the only thing it reveals is that you think you’re better than your peers. Admitting some mistakes on your part would make you come off as a lot more human. </p>

<p>In addition to that, I don’t see any insight into who you are. Anyone can criticize an issue; the great college essays must reveal something about the writer. How has this issue impacted YOU?</p>

<p>One minor revision that stood out was the repeated statement that the Honor Society was now 3 times smaller. It’s mentioned twice in the middle of the essay.</p>

<p>I would somewhat agree with ccuser18, it lacks insight into who you are…</p>

<p>However, i’d advise against admitting mistakes or anything. When you start mentioning your flaws, it seems like you’re done with all your good points. You’d probably want to stay strong on the point, just soften some words up, and loosen up a little on the tone. not to put bits and pieces before you, but I’d personally deal with it like a question… Like</p>

<p>The yearbook lead me to the one question that had posed before me countless times, ‘had the years been unkind to conventional modesty, morals, intellect and thought?’ As I see (this and that), i stop to think if it is that way, and if every advancement in thought and style indeed is taking things down a negative trend. </p>

<p>To get to specifics, now that you’ve got me in the swing (=p), here’s some advice…</p>

<p>A) Confine it… Not to sound too formal, but statistics show that a reader relates more to a concept if it is confined to just one person, rather than a body of people. Like you could take all the negativity down to one person, lets say, the cheerleader, who dresses sort of inappropriately, and spends her hours on facebook etc., so to speak. That would do two things, (A) it’d make the concept of the essay more clear, and (B) you could say that the cheerleader’s a friend, so as to still ‘not make any enemies’. You know, you could just go about it like, 'even as i start to look at my own friends, i see her… and everything. THAT WAY, it doesnt seem like ur being concieted or too abrasive to what she does, you’re just part of the system, and u have your doubts…</p>

<p>Also, contrast it with a little positivity that modernity has brought to the table. Like deal with it like ‘Understanding that the advent of it all has made society more expressive, i still stop to question myself’ or something…</p>

<p>Again, they’re just suggestions… you dont have to take any up if it collides with how you’re envisioning the essay…</p>