Need some perspective on my mom's side of a disagreement

Paying for College
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<p>Okay, my situation is as follows: I got into my dream school and am negotiating financial aid [edit: merit scholarship, not need] with them right now. If all goes well, I will be attending said school for approximately $20K per year. </p>

<p>My mom said that we should split that payment; that is, my parents pay about $16,000/yr and I pay about $4,000/yr. This sounded fine by me - I understand that I should be contributing. </p>

<p>However, then we started talking about outside scholarships. In my opinion, if I get $4,000 in outside scholarships (national merit, local scholarship essay contests, etc.), this money would cover my $4,000 contribution. This is where the disagreement starts; my mom thinks that the scholarship money should not count toward my contribution and that, even if I earned $4,000 in scholarships, I would still owe her $4,000 per year.</p>

<p>In my opinion, I am earning those scholarships myself, so they should count toward my contribution. In her opinion, those scholarships reduce the cost of attendance ($4,000 in scholarships means the school is now $16,000), and that of the remaining money the school costs, I still owe $4,000.</p>

<p>I would appreciate it if someone would either offer some perspective on my mom's side of the argument, or help me come up with further ways to convince her.</p>

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<p>
[quote]
**In my opinion, I am earning those scholarships myself, so they should count toward my contribution.

[/quote]
**</p>

<p>I am repulsed by your comment.</p>

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<p>Very honestly, if that's what your mother is proposing, there's not much incentive for you to do the work of applying for scholarships.</p>

<p>See if you can get her to split the difference with you. Seems that would be a win:win solution.</p>

<p>For what it's worth, we've told S that if he gains any outside scholarships, he can use all of the money for his portion of his college payments. If he wins more than his portion, that could be used toward his dad and my portion of the payments.</p>

<p>You could ask other parents how they're handling such situations.</p>

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<p>Probably a moot point if you have financial aid. Outside scholarships do not generally reduce the family contribution but reduce the financial 'need' and thus the financial aid. You will probably still have to come up with the $20k.</p>

<p>But if it does reduce the contribution why not compromise. Part of the scholarship will reduce your contribution and part hers.</p>

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<p>Don't outside scholarships often just decrease the grants the school gives? That $4000 might not be able to contribute to either of your contributions, though it depends on the school.</p>

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<p>hazmat: I don't understand what is so repulsive about it. Please elaborate.</p>

<p>Moms: I like that idea of splitting the scholarship. I will definitely propose that when we discuss it again. Thanks!</p>

<p>Lalaloo: The school is reconsidering me for a merit scholarship (sorry I didn't make this clear). In the case of a merit scholarship, am I correct in assuming that outside scholarships would not decrease the amount?</p>

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<p>I believe every kid needs a stake in their education. Your parents are offering to pay for 80% of the cost after financial aid. There are kids out there that would be doing back flips for that sort of contribution. You worked hard to qualify for a scholarship and that's wonderful. I can guarantee you that your parents worked just as hard in some aspect that led to your success in raising you. When your dad got a christmas bounus or got a refund on a tax return did he keep the entire amount for himself or use it towards the expenses for the whole family? I feel the same way about your scholarship. Your parents are being more than generous. I don't think they need convincing, they need a big THANK YOU!!</p>

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<p>maea: </p>

<p>I don't know your mother's reasons, however, I will give you my perspective. The cost of 'expenses' - books, spending money, other misc. 'stuff' is going to probably run around $4000/year (plus or minus). College is expensive and whatever your parents are able and willing to pay for is a pretty big gift/investment in you. While the scholarship money IS your contribution in a way, and you did the work to earn it, it's not the same as having to learn how to pay your way, at least partially, and how to budget, etc.</p>

<p>If you're able to earn some money and contribute, it will be that much less money that your parents may need to get back from you in the future when they retire. </p>

<p>In the original equation, your mom had a 3/4 - 1/4 split. Why don't you propose a compromise that the proportion stays the same if you get additional scholarship money? That way you both save something for your efforts, AND it gives you the incentive to go out and look for that extra scholarship money!</p>

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<p>I appreciate all these opinions. I am starting to think that splitting the scholarship money, whether by proportion or by halves, seems to be a very fair compromise.</p>

<p>On a side note, arkitex mentioned extraneous expenses - I am paying for personal expenses (off campus dining, entertainment, etc), and my parents are paying for books. This has already been established and is not part of the 16K/4K agreement, which only applies to tuition and room and board.</p>

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<p>I understand where you and your mom are both coming from. </p>

<p>At our house, S has understood from the get-go that paying for college is a family effort, so everything gets pooled into one pot. We haven't given our S a specific $$ amount that he must contribute; rather, we've said that we expect him to take out Stafford loans, work over the summers (we'd have to discuss an excellent unpaid opportunity, but would not rule it out), work about 10 hrs./week during the school year for spending money/books, and bring in as much merit $$ as he can. </p>

<p>In return, we will help make his dream school happen. He has been doing more than his fair share; he has earned some excellent merit money, including a full ride. At three of his four schools, his efforts will make a significant dent in the bill. (The fourth doesn't give merit $$, so he has just his external merit $$.) We also have a younger son who's currently a HS soph, so there will be more expenses coming down the road that we as parents must consider. I want my younger son to have the same opportunities that S has had.</p>

<p>I think that having a campus job is a good break from studying, and if one can find something in one's field, that makes the experience even more valuable. Four grand is not that much in the large scheme of things -- it's a Stafford loan first year plus a little more, or it's a job during the summer and during the school year -- and no loans. </p>

<p>You haven't said much about how your FA package will be divided between grants, loans, etc., but knowing how most FA packages work, part of your "FA" may be more loans your parents are expected to assume, thereby making their $16,000 share of EFC even higher. There may be gapping that they are also expected to fill in. I'm a big believer in having students have "skin in the game" -- you should be putting yourself out for an education, just as your parents are.</p>

<p>Now is a great time to sit down with your parents, with the new FA package, and have an adult-to-adult talk about how you will share responsibility for paying for the next four years. As a parent, I would be pretty impressed if my child took that initiative.</p>

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<p>I do not have any direct experience, but other posters on other threads have mentioned that outside scholarships can, in fact, reduce the amount of grant aid (even merit aid) offered by the school and you are required to report outside scholarships to most schools if receiving any financial/merit aid. You should definitely verify the policy at your intended school.</p>

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<p>I think that if your parents pay $14000 and you pay $2000, it will be reasonable. </p>

<p>Technically your parents should pay a bit less than 14000 because of the ratio, but don't point this out to your mother!</p>

<p>I agree with the other posts that say that if your mother gets her way, you will have little incentive, but have you already done the work for the scholarship?</p>

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<p>I have already done the work for some scholarships (National Merit is in the bank, three more are submitted and waiting), but am currently in the process of applying to more.</p>

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<p>Perspective...</p>

<p>Your parent's perspective: The $16,000 is THEIR money, THEY worked for it, why should they use that money to benefit you for your education? Answer: They love you, they want the world for you, and they are willingly investing it in your education.</p>

<p>Your perspective: YOU worked to be a student who qualifies for scholarships, YOU did the work applying for them, why should your parents receive benefit from them? Answer: You love them, you appreciate all the support and encouragement they gave you that got you were you are, and you want to ease the significant financial burden paying for college puts on parents.</p>

<p>Keep applying for scholarships. You may find that when you approach your parents about reducing the burden on both you AND them, they are prouder than ever.</p>

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<p>I think money is going to remain an issue with your parents. I think working an average of 10 hours a week for $7.50 an hour grossing you around $75/week or $4k a year at the same time you're trying to get work done for classes and having the added pressure that not only do you owe them $4,000, but need to pay your own way whenever you want to go out and celebrate a friend's bday, or need change for a bus (figuring car isnt in the picture) is unreasonable if they have the financial means to contribute more. Count me as one who believes your scholarships should be your own or split reasonably.</p>

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<p>"I am paying for personal expenses (off campus dining, entertainment, etc), and my parents are paying for books. This has already been established and is not part of the 16K/4K agreement, which only applies to tuition and room and board."</p>

<p>Your parents paying for books is a very big deal as books can cost $1,000 a year. They easily cost $100 a course, more if one is taking a science-technology intensive courseload.</p>

<p>I paid in college for books, clothing, personal expenses (phone), travel home, and had loans and worked full time summers, and part time during the school year. </p>

<p>So, seems to me that your parents are offering you a very good deal. The $4,000 a year in your contribution isn't bad, either, even if you take out loans for it as the average college student takes out a total of about $17 k in loans to pay for their college education. </p>

<p>My own S is taking out loans, working jobs school year/summer and is responsible for his books, personal expense except for travel home, which my H and I will pay for. Unfortunately, S is so thrifty even with our money that he refused to come home on some long weekends even though we offered to pay and there was little to do on campus. Would have been nice to have gotten to see him more.</p>

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<p>I am not trying to say in any way that their expecting a $4,000 contribution is unreasonable. I know it's a great deal, and that this is because my parents love me and value my education and my happiness. The question lies within that deal as to whose contribution outside scholarships count for, though it seems to have been resolved that a half-and-half deal is a good way to divide it.</p>

<p>Speaking of which, I proposed the half-and-half deal (half of each scholarship counts toward my contribution and half toward my parents' contribution) and my mom said that it was a good idea and that she would discuss it with my dad and get back to me :)</p>

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<p>maea - that is good news. It is always a good idea to try and find a compromise that works for both parties. I think you learned a really valuable life lesson today. Well done.</p>

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<p>
[quote]
I am earning those scholarships myself, so they should count toward my contribution.

[/quote]
Though you may be earning those scholarships yourself, you are using that $20,000 yourself, so you should pay whatever your parents ask you to pay. They're not obliged to give you anything.</p>

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<p>maea -</p>

<p>Sounds like you're getting it, so I don't want to beat a dead horse. I just wanted to say that I have never seen someone paying their own way to college flunk out. I doubt this is about the money at all. I suspect it is about making sure you have an investment of your own to make you keep your eyes on the prize.</p>