<p>Ok. This is my recent essay and I need someone to make constructive criticism about the essay, how to make it better, note any problems, and also...suggest other examples that would also work for this prompt. Please excuse any inaccuracies on facts.</p>
<p>Prompt: Can success be disastrous?</p>
<pre><code>When people become successful, their prosperity often plays an adverse role in their lives People who achieve success are often left with more degradation in their lives than with happiness and satisfaction.
The harmful effects of achieving success are most evidently shown in former Taiwanese president Chen Shuibian. Growing up in a destitute family, he pursued a dream of becoming part of the wealthy class. Chen worked diligently during his childhood, studying for school while raising cattle. After many ears of hardship, he was accepted at Taida University, the best college in Taiwan. Although Chen had been nominated as president, he became obsessed with his powers and wealth that he pocketed most of the nations funds. As a result of his corrupt actions, former Chen is now forced to live in a life of secrecy from an angry society. Chens obsession over his acquired powers and wealth caused him to live a life of misery.
Not only are the harmful effects of success shown through Chen Shuibians abuse of power, but successs detrimental effects are also shown through Edmond Dantes in The Count of Monte Cristo. In his novel, Dumas portrays how Dantes was wrongly imprisoned by his enemies for ten years and sought for vengeance upon escaping from prison. Having escaped from prison, Danetes discovered an isle full of treasures and riches that caused him to become the wealthiest and prosperous man in Versailles With his acquired success, he was consumed in taking revenge on those who harmed him in the past. As he spends the rest of his life playing the role of providence, bringing strict justice and vengeance to those who have one wrong to him, he forgets the essence of his own life and becomes consumed in vengeance. Dantess obsession with vengeance after becoming prosperous resulted in a success that destroyed his life.
In conclusion success causes suffering towards a persons life, as one becomes consumed in the power and wealth he or she has acquired. On the contrary, some may ague that success allows a person to solve difficulties in life For instance, someone who has successfully won $16 million from a lottery ticket may save him from financial bankruptcy; however, the detrimental effects of that success outweigh the good results, as he may squander the money and end up worse than he was before.
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<p>9 out of a 12.
It is imperative that you pick a side, and stay with it.
Do not do the AP English thing, "Although _<strong><em>, _</em></strong> is better"</p>
<p>i disagree with anhtimmy...using the "although.." sentence shows varied sentence structure...
your examples are not "solid" enough,,,they lack conviction
having said that,.,this essay will still be good enough for a 9</p>
<p>I'm unsure exactly what anhtimmy is trying to say, but I believe it is incorrect. Perhaps he did not read your essay closely at all. </p>
<p>I would score this essay a 9. I'll try to give you a rough overview of the strengths and weaknesses of your essay.</p>
<p>Strengths:
+Well done on the examples. You chose two strong examples from two different backgrounds (historical and literal), showing your knowledge, and developed them fully.
+Good efforts to vary your sentence structure with semicolons and complex sentences.
+Good effort to develop a counterexample, though the execution was a bit off (explained below).</p>
<p>Weaknesses:
-You chose to spend most of your essay time on your examples, which was good, but to score higher you will probably need a stronger introduction. The key is to put forth a thesis that is narrow and specific (usually with a because or when clause) in its support/rejection of the prompt; just answering yes or no to the question is not enough. For example, you could have said "Because success leads to power and breeds unhealthy obsessions, people who achieve success are often left with more degradation in their lives than with happiness and satisfaction" and followed that up with two strong illustrations of obsessions with wealth and vengeance.
-Do NOT overgeneralize. This resulted in part because of your lack of a specific thesis, but the way it is worded this sentence is a severe oversimplification: "For instance, someone who has successfully won $16 million from a lottery ticket may save him from financial bankruptcy; however, the detrimental effects of that success outweigh the good results, as he may squander the money and end up worse than he was before." The detrimental effects may or may not outweigh the good results. Don't claim that they always do.</p>
<p>thanks, Richard! I was wondering how long my introduction should be. Some of my teachers suggested that my introduction should be just a short and simple way of stating the thesis. Judging from everybody's introduction I've seen and your suggestion, I should say more than a "yes" or a "no" in the introduction. "Because success leads to power and breeds unhealthy obsessions, people who achieve success are often left with more degradation in their lives than with happiness and satisfaction" is a pretty good sentence to use for the introduction. Thanks!</p>
<p>I was also wondering how I could structure that counter-argument in the conclusion. Instead of the oversimplifying example, should I say,"On the contrary, some may say that success leads to great achievements and self-satisfaction; but the detrimental effects of success outweigh the good."
I'm not quite sure what kind of example I could use for the conclusion.</p>
<p>I would say the magical word to avoid oversimplifying is "can." So for example, you could word your counterexample like this:
"However, detrimental side-effects of that success can outweigh the good results."</p>
<p>Simple. Also, never use hypothetical situations as examples. Always use solid, concrete examples even if you have to make them up. For example: "This is illustrated by the tragedy of Michael Corner, who won the lottery six years ago only to squander his windfall and apply for bankruptcy."</p>