Please grade my essay!Thank you so much~

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>The old saying, “be careful what you wish for,” may be an appropriate warning. The
drive to achieve a particular goal can dangerously narrow one’s perspective and encourage
the fantasy that success in one endeavor will solve all of life’s difficulties. In
fact, success can sometimes have unexpected consequences. Those who propel themselves
toward the achievement of one goal often find that their lives are worse once
“success” is achieved than they were before.</p>

<p>Assignment: Can success be disastrous?</p>

<hr>

<p>Success can be disastrous in that it ,by its nature ,create either a lofty haze that prevents people from seeing the truth hidden beneath it, or the deepest fear of losing all the glory that compels people to do anything to maintain the nice appearance, and both of these effects are capable of leading to grim consequences, as illustrated in the engrossing movie, Titanic.</p>

<p>Illusion of almighty is the daughter of success. Equipped with 26 years of experience, the Captain is initially calm and wise as he orders not to reach the full speed. Under the persuasion of Ismay, the managemant director of the White Star Line Company, the Captain is lured by the possible newspaper headline, and wrongly felt that this so-called unsinkable dream ship forging ahead through the waves is really unsinkable .By ordering to light the last four boilers, the Captain pushes the ship to such a great speed that it cannot skirt the iceberg roundly, thus causing the shipwreck and the death of 2000 people. The success of building the grandest ship ever existed blinded people like the Captain, who improperly pushes the engine to reach full speed, the management of White Line Company, who decides to load only half of the lifeboats so that it does not seem too crowded, and every one else on the ship who cannot believe at first the sinking fate of Titanic. Herein lies the origin of this tragedy that turned the heavenly ship into a living hell.</p>

<p>Once success is achieved, people do everything to keep it. In Titanic,the DeWitt Dukaters are in a precarious situation: the death of Rose’s father left the family debt-ridden. In order to maintain the high social status, Ruth, Rose’s mother, utilized their good name and arranged an engagement between her daughter and Cal Hockley the heir to a steel fortune, without taking into account Rose’s feelings. If Jack had not happened to witnessed Rose’s suicide attempt and saved her, Ruth would have lost her only child after losing her hudband. In order to weave the picture of luxurious first class life, Ruth takes an extreme course that pushes her daughter to the edge of death and despair.</p>

<h2>Success is wonderful while we chase it, but could be detrimental once it is attained, just like various characters in Titanic showed us. Infact, there is no eternal success or failure, nor is there fixed winner and loser, and prosperity is often fleeting and fragile. Once we give ourselves to arrogance and vanity’s possession, success that we once strived for will in turn destroy us.</h2>

<p>I am attending May 5 SAT exam
Please give me some cricitisms and advice, thank you~~
Also, I have a big problem in essay writing---My speed is too too low! I think for too long time when writing every sentence, and I often erase part of previous sentence and modify the sentense structure and vocabulary to show more variety.
Please tell me how do you inprove your speed writing essay!
Also, do you prepare a couple of examples in advance and just use the prepared examples during the exam, or you always write new examples during test?
Thank you in advance</p>

2

<p>I would score this around an 8 or 9. It is a solid essay for the SAT. Having said that, here are some suggestions for improvement. </p>

<p>While the length is good enough for a higher score, the way in which you use your examples and how you develop your examples is not strong enough for a 10 or better. Here’s what I mean. The question is “can success be disastrous?” But in the main paragraph you talk more about what happened. While I know this may seem pertinent, just take a step back ask yourself. Is this answering the question? Yes, it’s related, but not exactly. Simply put, talk more about the success part. What about the Titanic was the “success”? Then frame that in the context of how it turned out to be a disaster. It may be the case if you rethink it this way, you might not want to choose Titanic as an example, which is ok as well. Also, same thing with the second paragraph, what exactly was the success? Being affluent? and is this a cause and effect? Because the question asks us something that should show more of a cause and effect. Good examples here should show a more direct relationship in which success is the cause of the disaster.</p>

3

<p>Hi Macrohard!
Thank you for your advice. I think you pointed out my major problem, I have been working on the cause and effect thing recently.
If you focus only on my language, do you think it is weird to native speakers?
I have never lived in an English environment before, so I am not very confident about the way I write. When I try to modify sentence structure or use a different expression, I always worry that it sounds strange or difficult to understand.For example, "lofty haze "
"Illusion of almighty ", do they sound strange to you?
I don’t have access to the link you send me , which means our government blocked it (though I don’t understand why). So I used an online proxy and opened the site but there is no content, maybe because the online proxy is unstable. I can only see the title “Demystifying the Essay: 3-Step Breakdown”
Do you have other ways to access it?
Thank you very much~~</p>