<p>D is a sophomore at college. Freshman year was a mixed bag. She went in very confident, very excited. Made friends easily, got involved in a ton of activities. Worked hard - did very well the first semester. The second semester saw things change slowly. She was playing a sport - couldn't be with her friends for the most part. They were working out dorm arrangements for sophomore year. She chose to room with five other girls in a girls only suite. Made some of her other friends a bit unhappy. Sport didn't go too well and that affected her confidence. Talked her through bad times, she made it through the semester ok.</p>
<p>She came home for the summer, but didn't spend too much time at home. She had signed on to be a camp counselor at a camp for special needs kids. She loved the camp, but hated the politics between the counselors/staff. Camp turned out to be partly fun, partly stressful. Her confidence took a beating again.</p>
<p>She headed back to school this year, very nervous. We talked a lot before she went back, she ended up switching some classes on the last day and that seemed to calm her down at least about the academics. She got back to school, very homesick the first weekend. She slowly got over that. But apparently, for some reason unknown to her, most of her suite-mates don't want to be with her, don't want to talk to her. One girl in particular is very upset with her - because of this girl, most of the other girls don't hang out with her, they walk away if she's in the common room and stuff like that. She's ending up alone most of the time and very frustrated/upset since she doesn't understand what's causing all this. She tried talking to that girl who said she was cool with D, but the isolating behavior still continues.</p>
<p>Suggestions? I've told her that if she can't get a straight answer from that girl as to what's bothering her, she should just move on. Try getting involved in other activities, make other friends. Try volunteering somewhere. I guess though, a lot of friends' groups have already been formed in freshman year and she's finding it a bit tough to make other friends. I am concerned for her - she seems to be so down on herself most of the time.</p>
<p>I know it is difficult to watch your D suffering from afar with social adversities, but there really isn’t anything you can do to help her in this situation except lend a sympathetic ear if she wants to talk about it. </p>
<p>We can give them advice about handling academic challenges, making decisions, etc. but we cannot help them make or keep friends. </p>
<p>Not to trivialize your D’s feelings or your worry (we’ve all been there), but “girl drama” in group residential situations can be fairly common, and it usually works itself out. They are only sophomores. Listen sympathetically, but express confidence that this, too, shall pass. Convey your faith in her. What you’ve already told her is really all you can say.</p>
<p>D1 had something similar happen to her senior year in high school. She changed the situation by pretending it wasn’t happening. She had a smile on her face everyday, was nice and fun to her “friends.” After a while those girls forgot why they didn’t like D1 (because there was one mean girl who didn’t want them to like D1). D1 actually came out ahead of that girl over time. D1 was a bit of a strategist, as an attractive girl, she worked on the guys first. The guys didn’t know there was a “situation,” so they continued to be friendly with D1 and invited D1 to their parties. It was very painful for me to watch (D1 would check her FB everyday to find no posting or invite), but I had a lot more respect for D1 after that. </p>
<p>If your D is not able to move out, I would suggest for your D to go about as if nothing is wrong, pretend other girls are not shauning her, but not to try too hard to do things with them either. Just be very friendly when she sees them, if they should walk away when she is in the common room, just continue with what she is doing - reading, surfing the net, listening to music. At some point, some of those girls are going to break rank to speak with your D again. If they don’t, so what, tell your D to make some new friends or get reconnected with her old friends.</p>
<p>If your D didn’t do anything bad to anyone, this is just a mean girl MO, tell your D not to let that girl know she is succeeding in making her feel miserable. If your D doesn’t act like a victim, maybe this mean girl will just move on and leave your D alone. Living well is the best revenge.</p>
I think it’s always a problem if we think that everything has jelled socially around us and we aren’t going to be accepted into a “group” anywhere. If that were true, we would live even more miserable lives than we already do :). </p>
<p>Think about it - you start a new job, but of course everyone there already has all the friends they could ever want or need since kindergarten and hasn’t taken on any new ones since, so no one even speaks to you. The reality is that we are always on shifting social sands and we can connect with people in all kinds of settings. If D’s roomies are chilly, she should look to people in her classes and/or department, or get involved in some EC’s and find new people that way. Campus Ministry, intermural sports, campus chorus’s or play groups. Take advantage of the bus trip to the art museum being sponsored by the Art Club. Go to the International Students dance/dinner fling.</p>
<p>Arisamp, Girl drama is the worst and I feel for your daughter and you! My D felt this for a while and it was horrible, she ended up trying to stay involved in what she liked, reaching out to people she found interesting, asking people to meet for lunch or coffee etc. As easy as it is to tell our kids what to do, its hard for them to do. It did work itself out but was no fun while it was happening.
I would encourage you D to stay positive and maybe set up a meeting of all the suitemates to discuss the issues. Is she doing something to cause it (maybe she is messy or leaving things out instead of putting stuff away?). Sometimes talking it out can reveal misunderstandings etc.</p>
<p>Then I would focus on trying to establish friendships with others, reach out and try to stay involved. Good luck and hugs to you and your D.</p>
<p>Those are really good points. I hope things are smoothing out a little.</p>
<p>I agree that you just have to see what time brings. My D2 was in a suite last year that went sour, too. She was a freshman in a suite with sophomores and a junior, and it was a really bad mix. I think the problems were intensified because it was a suite (and she was in a triple bedroom, too). Over time the good and the bad relationships shifted, sometimes completely flip-flopped. After having a summer to digest the experience, she is seeing better why things were how they were and what could or couldn’t have been done to improve the situation. She learned a lot, although it was unfortunate, and we definitely wish we’d known the risks beforehand - the suite seemed like such a great idea, but really she would have been better off in a standard freshman double. Other kids we know have great experiences in suites - and as said above, social situations like that are always tricky.</p>
<p>For what it’s worth, I made my best friends in college my second year. I met my college BFF in a class, and really got to know the people I’d met freshman year once we settled into school more. My D1 met most of her lasting college friends as a sophomore, when she found the EC that she really liked (after a year of experimenting). Also, she met a few transfer students that year. </p>
<p>Remind your D that anything can change, for better and for worse. My D2 is finding that happens practically week to week! You never know what kind of stresses people are having; I think college is really a giant crockpot of emotions and personalities, and sometimes I’m amazed these kids survive it!</p>
<p>One bit of advice I’ve given my D is to try not to let her happiness depend on others’ attitudes or behavior. It sounds lonely, but it’s an important skill to be able to make a nice time for yourself regardless of other people. And if you keep your expectations in check, you end up nicely surprised when things do work out.</p>
<p>Even if it is a small college, there are always people you haven’t met yet. In my own experience, in my sophomore year I met many many new friends. It was much better than freshman year. I met some people who were upperclassmen, and new freshmen as well. Some of my best friends were from the class behind me, and new friends made sophomore year. I tried new activities, and I also switched my room second semester that year, and these things made for a much better time.</p>
<p>If the suitemates remain chilly, maybe she can switch rooms for 2nd semester or sooner. I really hate these dynamics where people just stop talking. I think sometimes it is a personality disorder of the person who does that. They can’t say “well I’m controlling and when you live your own life and don’t worship me I can’t stand it”… They can not admit this to themselves. There is absolutely nothing to do with a person like that except limit contact and find other friends. When I was a kid I did not recognize these kind of narcissists, and it was upsetting to me too.</p>
<p>My DD had some social issues freshman year too (although different from the OP’s situation). This was the absolute last thing I worried about when she went to college. The second semester was especially upsetting although she didn’t reveal just how upsetting it was until months later.</p>
<p>How did she get through it? She had excellent coping skills. Reached out to other close friends not at her college. Focused on her school work. Granted she didn’t have the fun she wanted, but she had other things to do. Got really good grades, got accepted to a study abroad during a soph year break. Then went about having a great summer and went in soph year (random roommate, who also didn’t work out but it wasn’t unpleasant) with a great new attitude. I was really proud of her resiliency. She ended up with a whole new group of friends and now, junior year, has the roommate of her choice who she loves and a great circle of friends (11 took her out for her b-day this week).</p>
<p>For suitemate issues, I would encourage lots of activities with other students through other activities. It isn’t easy, but it’s possible. It’s also not fun and what you want, but there are plenty of ways to get through it. My DD told me she was alone a lot freshman year (which is completely out of character) and it broke my heart. I was really worried. But she dug deep and got through it somehow.</p>
<p>I really feel for you, OP, because I think it’s even harder for us, as parents, than it is for them.</p>
<p>Arisamp - Sending <em>hugs</em>. It is hard to be the sounding board when your kid is struggling socially. I have been watching my D11 as well as her friends navigate sophomore year socially. I think it is a misconception that everyone has found their niche. The first year most of these kids were randomly thrown together and they stuck together for the year…but now they are realizing that their interests are not really compatible or aligned. Over the summer, my D11 did a short stint in Europe (7 weeks) with other kids from her university. She didn’t know anyone when she showed up at the airport but over the course of the program, she got to know most of the kids in the program. The one thing she did learn is that almost everyone wanted to expand their social group beyond their freshman roommates/teammates. When she met her two roommates in Europe, she thought that they were really tight with their friends back at school but what she learned was that each of them were friends with their roommates but really didn’t have anything in common beyond living together. Now that they are all back on campus, my D is hanging out with these girls quite a bit as well as her five other suite mates. My D also joined a sorority (she is not a sorority girl) and has found it to be just enough to give her another group to hang with on occasion. My guess is that you D thinks people are not open to hanging out but in truth they are trying to figure how to branch out without rocking their current boat. I think the key is to get her to change her perception that there is no one single group of people that will meet her social needs.</p>
<p>I’m sorry that your D is going through this. Girls can be very mean to each other. You’ve given her good advice about trying to get involved in other activities and make other friends. I like Linymom’s daughter’s strategy of reaching out to friends at other colleges. Does she have a good friend that she could visit for a weekend? </p>
<p>I think that the best thing you can do is to listen and support her. Are you planning to visit her this semester? Maybe a break from campus will lift her spirits. </p>
<p>You can also suggest that she explore options for a housing switch if things don’t improve. </p>
<p>I know how hard it is to share your D’s unhappiness. Try to stay upbeat and positive when you talk to her. Remind her that she’s strong and can get through this, and that you’re on her side.</p>
<ul>
<li>I offered DD Amtrak ticket to visit friends in another city … she took me up on that. Great for her to get away for the weekend.</li>
<li>She made a good group of friends during her sophomore year winter break study abroad and they still get together.</li>
<li>She joined a sorority soph year (wasn’t her first choice, but she is really happy) -it has widened her social circle.</li>
</ul>
<p>Wanted to share real-life experiences to show that these suggestions work!</p>
<p>Thanks for all the suggestions and the hugs. I keep talking to D, trying to get her to keep her spirits up and not get down on herself. Fall break is next month - some friends from a different college were supposed to visit, but one of them has had a change in plans. Hopefully, the other friend will still visit. She also had tentative plans to go out of town with one of her suite-mates for part of that weekend - hopefully, those plans still hold and will pan out. She is trying out for a dance team (!) and is trying to get involved in other activities as well. Luckily, her tests thus far have been good, giving her a bit of that confidence back.</p>
<p>It’s hard to see a normally very self assured, confident kid get down this way. Hard that I can’t be there to give her a well deserved hug. But, she will get through this…</p>
<p>[ I like the posts that talked about making best friends in sophomore year. I know that was so true for D back in high school as well - will have to remind her of that!]</p>