I was going to post that the kid demanding weekly deep cleaning might have some underlying mental health issues. Now I see that she has moved, which appears consistent with this hypothesis.
@thumper1 and @nrdsb4, in my freshman year in college I lived in a picturesque quad: Two small bedrooms with bunk beds, large living room with fireplace – the room was over an archway and under a bell tower that was no longer in service. We had to walk 3.5 flights down and over two entries to go to the bathroom. One of my four roommates was a kid who was a) painfully neat, close to OCD I would say; and b) his self-image was that he was the smartest guy around (HS valedictorian, NMSF, …). I was a slob (and am still not neat, but hire my way out of it at home and office). He took great exception to me and made my life in the suite relatively unpleasant – in part because of my messiness and in part because I was doing extremely well academically despite the fact that I was two years younger than him (I entered college early) and was taking a pretty hard schedule (math, physics, statistics, required freshman literature and philosophy, I think). I think he found the latter threatening to his self-image. I was also pretty weak on social skills at the time. I dealt with the situation by making other friends in another dorm and spent lots of time with them.
The point of this story is that, over time, this guy began to display some mental health issues and had to take a year off. At reunions, I learned that he turned some of his animus to the other two roommates, who were and are delightful people (who both had better social skills than me and were less threatening academically). Years later, I ran into a friend of his from the class in which he graduated whom I did not know in college. Somehow she knew all about me from him so I must have played a part in his mental life well after freshman year.
Insisting on a weekly deep cleaning in college is both a bit over top and suggestive of potential problems.
At year-end, I roomed with the guys I had become friends with freshman year. We lived in the same suite for three years, I think. One of these roommates was really neat but had no issues that I could see. He would fold his clean clothes and sweaters and put them in individual plastic bags before putting them in the drawer. Others in the suite, including me, seemed mystified by the function of drawers and used the horizontal closet instead. He made his bed every day. I did so probably when only when I did the laundry or if I was hoping for female company. But, he has always been an enthusiastic, happy, well-adjusted guy who didn’t try to impose his desire for neatness on others. He kept his BR immaculate. I don’t think the shared LR or bathroom were immaculate. Incidentally, all of the suitemates from sophomore-senior years remain good friends despite different approaches to neatness.
This thread has certainly been interesting to follow. My D always had her own room growing up. She’s a freshman now and has a roommate. Their room was originally a single so space is very very tight. Fortunately she and her roommate seem well matched. They’re not close friends but are friendly and seem to have worked things out. I’m sure my D hopes to get a single sophomore year, but having to share a room has been good for her. At home she wasn’t good about hanging up and putting away her clothes, backpack, books, etc. Sharing a very small space with another has forced her to be neater and better organized, something I was never successful in doing at home.
This thread has been amusing. What I’ve learned from having children is that there is only so much influence parents have over their children’s propensity toward neatness or disarray. My children run the gamut, from one who didn’t change the sheets all semester and leaves trash on the floor to the one who is meticulously neat and clean in all ways. I kind of wish my slobby one would encounter a roommate like OP’s daughter’s roommate. That might be more effective than admonitions from the parents.
Now that I think about it, I never had to share a room until I got married 25+ years ago. All my siblings were the opposite gender, and I lived at home in college. After college I lived in two-bedroom apartments so my roommate and I each had our own room.
From my observations of most 17+ year old college first-years…if that encounter were to actually occur as shown in OP’s posts…most would be inclined to revolt. Sometimes they would go so far as to be more slobby to communicate the message that being bossy and acting like a self-appointed dictator/parent of the room as shown in several of that roommate’s demands is not the best/right way to get a social equal to do something.
If the roommate had communicated it in language/manner which was much more congenial…this thread most likely wouldn’t have existed as D would have been much more likely to comply out of goodwill.
I wonder if it was the roommate who initiated the cleaning demands. Perhaps the mother of the roommate decided those were the rules to be followed and insisted that the daughter present her requirements.
My kids are moderately messy but very flexible if approached respectfully by a roommate to make a plan they would be diplomatic and adjust but being told to do a lot of tasks or being watched over they both would rebel against.
We have visited a ton of dorm rooms in the past 2 years and even with kids knowing tours/visitors were coming by I can’t remember even 1 room I would consider clean and I’m not super neat. Most of the rooms had at least half the floor covered in clothes, towels, and other stuff. Desks all had some trash on them. Many of the beds were made with just a bottom sheet and comforter which I’m sure never got washed. All the rooms smelled bad to me. If your child can only live in a very specific environment–like very neat or early to bed they should email housing and be sure even if they don’t do matching that they know because there are certain situations where they will match specific kids with issues or put them in a single room. I have a sleep talker rather sleep yeller and sleep walker so we’ve asked schools very specifically what they can do in terms of placing her in a situation where she won’t ruin someone’s life. She needs to be with a very deep sleeper, someone hard of hearing, or a single (which she doesn’t want) plus she can’t have a lofted bed due to the falling risk so some dorm set ups won’t work at all. Every school has said even if they don’t match they do match for specific requests.
She may be the student’s mother…but not the other roommate’s and he/she’s not and should not be beholden to her. Especially if no previous relationship existed and they’re practically complete strangers.
Complaining about having to make the bed and keeping a shared room clean blows me away. These disciplines should be enforced at home, long before the child attends college.
My mom was a compulsive cleaner and hand washer, and checker of may things - gas, electric, locks etc. In those days no one knew of OCD. I think she must have been. However, as kids we had to clean our rooms, the bathroom, make our beds, vacuum (the kitchen was hers and basically off limits for our own cooking - but no responsibility to clean either.) Her standards were very high - kind of Downton Abbey kind of intensive labor. Luckily it wasn’t a large house and we could get the weekly job done each weekend. We needed to vacuum under everything. Baseboards and window sills needed to be done too. Windows, I guess thankfully, were not our job. I have not found her kind of cleaning to be usual to most. Deep clean the medicine cabinet? Sure - wipe off the glass shelves.
I am not my mom. I think my DH would like her kind of clean. He is a medical man, and the exam rooms and OR type clean is more to his liking. I am not a slob, but to him, I think I am a lost cause. I lose the battle with clutter, and I hate to pick up after others.
If someone were to want to emulate my mom’s type of clean, it would be very hard on a more lax roommate, and vice versa. I am glad I don’t have to answer to anyone else’s standards of clean.
“From my observations of most 17+ year old college first-years…if that encounter were to actually occur as shown in OP’s posts…most would be inclined to revolt”
You don’t know any more college freshmen than any of the rest of us do.
From some posts including yours…my impression is that such posters have forgotten what being a 17+ year old college first-year was like and/or were in a bubble of college classmates/17+ year olds who were naturally inclined to conform to parental wishes and to be excessive people pleasers.
Such types of college first-years tend to be in a minority and IME…looked down upon by most other first years for lacking independence and being too obsequious toward/compliant with parental/authority figures.
Actually, some of us have college freshmen, even messy college freshmen, who despite decidedly not being malleable people pleaser have made an effort to cooperate with their neater roommates.
Most likely because the other roommates broached the subject much more politely and in a congenial spirit rather than doing so in a demanding bossy tone AND unreasonably wide scope as OP’s post indicated.
If broached nicely at the beginning, even the unreasonably wide scope may have been more happily accommodated due to the greater inclination of the other roommate to engage in a spirit of goodwill as opposed to an effective ultimatum which tends to turn most people off.
My point was that your assertion that you know this demographic better than those of us living with college freshman is rather egotistical and more than a little absurd.
