<p>My daughter is in 10th grade in a very competitive high school. She is an excellent student who does well, but has had a lot of trouble finding a place for herself. Although she has a number of good friends (thank goodness), she can't seem to find an activity or "place", as the school is very large and has too few "spots" for too few kids. </p>
<p>In sports, the teams cut and so kids who have played soccer since elementary school, for example, have to be superstars to get a spot on the team. The choral groups are also extremely competitive, and she has auditioned and not gotten into any of them. They are very clique-y too, and many of her friends are in the groups so she feels left out. She has tried to run for student council but didn't get in. She hasn't gotten any awards (other friends have), did not get into the very competitive school musical, and has tried numerous clubs which have not welcomed her.</p>
<p>She is a fine singer, a good dancer, and a good visual artist, as well as a kind, generous soul (with very high standards, but that usually works to her benefit) but seems not to have found a single place for herself at the school. My older children each found their "niche" and had better experiences. She weathers this disappointment, but it is wearing on her and the whole family. How much disappointment can one kid take? I feel like everything she tries doesn't work out for her, and it crushes me.</p>
<p>Taking her out of the school isn't an option, as she does have friends and doesn't want to leave (kind of a glutton for punishment?). I just can't imagine two more years of this. She hasn't ever really liked school, but has really, really tried to integrate herself into activities, and it just hasn't worked out.</p>
<p>The only thing that is under her control in the activities you have mentioned is her participation in clubs. What exactly does it mean to say that they “haven’t welcomed her”? What does she expect in the way of a welcome? I would suggest that she pick a club where the activities or focus really interest her, and make herself useful. Do whatever is asked, or ask what is needed. With persistence, the rest will come.</p>
<p>The other obvious answer is to start something herself. But I’m more concerned about the pattern of joining clubs, not feeling sufficiently “welcomed,” and leaving. It sounds to me like there is some kind of a problem there.</p>
<p>If she were mine, I would have her get a part time after school job. If she can’t find her place at the highschool, time to look outside the highschool.</p>
<p>JMO</p>
<p>(On the emotional side? I’m sorry it hasn’t worked out for her the way it did for the older two. High school can be like that. It’s not really for everyone.)</p>
<p>What is she passionate about? Have her start her own school club in that activity. If there’s not one activity for her, perhaps she has a cause she can support by organizing an event - for example, a charity pet food drive for a local animal shelter, mentoring sessions for younger students or a group visit to a local senior home where they do a craft or put on a singing or dancing show or put on a school talent show.</p>
<p>My 10th grader was able recently to be in the chorus of the school musical. She is also a very good singer and dancer but not good enough (I guess) for a lead role. Being part of the musical really made all the difference for her this past year (she has experienced depression this year). She has a built in group of friends now - she seems much happier.</p>
<p>Also…my daughter (who seems similar to yours)…has gotten involved in journalism. It’s a great fit for her and she seems to do well with it. </p>
<p>These two things (musical/journalism) have made a difference.</p>
<p>Also, your D may want to consider something like Key Club - for community service. It’s non-competitive and a great place to meet other nice kids.</p>
<p>D1 never did that much at her school because of her dance commitment outside of school. She had friends at school, she was invited to parties, but she didn’t hang out at school as much as other kids. She was fine with it, and didn’t feel left out.</p>
<p>I am wondering if your D could do sports/drama/music/dance outside of school, maybe it would be easier for her to get in. She could also do volunteer work outside of her school. D1 had a large circle of dance friends outside of her school. I think as long as your D belongs to a group and is doing something, it wouldn’t matter if it is part of her school or not.</p>
<p>Volunteering at local Boys and Girls Club? Tutoring? Do they allow volunteering at your local Headstart? Or a nearby VA hospital?</p>
<p>School’s newspaper as a writer, photographer…yearbook, writer, layout, proof-reader? Some of the high school’s sports teams need managers, equipment managers, stats…</p>
<p>Does every team have cuts? X-country, track, swim and dive…many times don’t have enough for a specific EVENT and even though she would participate in that event she would attend all practices and all meets, might be worth it to investigate.</p>
<p>Often cross country, track/field, and swimming don’t cut. Many “cut” soccer players turn to running and are very good at it.</p>
<p>Also look into volunteer work in fields she has interest. Can she be a student tutor? Sounds like her school is large and she likely will have to put herself out there to make something work.</p>
<p>Check out what your community offers: theater, chorales, recreation sports, classes in art or dance, martial arts. Lots available outside of school if needed.</p>
<p>Instead of trying to find a place in existing activities, would it be possible for her to define her own, new space? Stake a claim to something under-developed at your school. It could be acapella, astronomy, costume design, folk music, poetry, robotics, a rock band, stand-up comedy … anything in which she has an interest or talent. Find a few kindred spirits and a faculty sponsor to get a new thing going.</p>
<p>I agree that, based on her interests, she should look to the larger community for fulfilling, enjoyable activities. I think of kids in my daughter’s class who, while not active in school extracurriculars, were very busy. One of her friends volunteered many hours at the Boys and Girls Club, another participated in 4H activities and worked at a local stable. Encourage her to be proactive-to identify what she’s interested in doing and to approach organizations that could use her talents. Does she have any plans for this summer?</p>
<p>I’m sorry that this has happened to your D. This is more common than you think. There are high schools which are very EXclusive (as opposed to INclusive). As for clubs not being welcoming, yes some high schools have groups that are theoretically open to all, but students are still ignored or marginalized if they join. And some schools require students to take a certain class in order to be part of an activity, so unless she is already enrolled she won’t get in.</p>
<p>I second (third?fourth?) the suggestion that your D become involved in activities outside of school. She needs to find somewhere that she is welcome. This could be community theater, a dance studio, a youth group, a rec department team,scouts or some other supportive groups. It can make a huge difference.</p>
<p>D2 moved to a new school junior year. As a new kid she wasn’t well known enough to be elected officer for many activities, so she “revived” many activities students didn’t care about - school newspaper, cancer society for kids, and interviewed for a senior LINK position. More often than not, she did most of the work when it came to raising money for those clubs and volunteering on weekends. Senior year, kids/teachers were looking for D2 whenever they wanted to do something because they knew she would get it done. I just received an email from her headmaster thanking her for being so proactive at her school.</p>
<p>If the transportation can be worked out, I second the idea of looking for a job.</p>
<p>My son was one of those kids who didn’t find a place for himself at school. But he worked starting in the middle of freshman year (our public libraries hire pages as young as 14), and it was a good experience for him. It also helped to support his hardware and software habits (he’s a computer geek, and he was always saving up to buy something or other). And he met some nice young people at his jobs, as well as learning a lot of things not taught in school.</p>
<p>Jobs are a whole different world. They’re real in a way that school-based ECs are not. Kids learn about responsibility (like the importance of showing up on time). They meet new people. And (not incidentally), they may grow to appreciate the importance of education when they meet much older people who are doing essentially the same work they are, for the same pay, because they don’t have good educations.</p>
<p>A kid who’s interested in working part-time throughout the school year (which would probably be the case for your daughter, since she doesn’t have extracurricular commitments) has an advantage over those who can only work during the summer when it comes to looking for a job. A lot of places, particularly retail stores, prefer to hire kids who can work year-round. (My son had no difficulty finding a job in a retail store at 16 that paid much better than the library job. He worked there until he left for college.)</p>
<p>One caution about jobs, though. Sometimes employers want kids to work a 6 or 8 hour shift on a school night, which leaves no time for homework. You may want to tell your daughter in advance that she is not permitted to accept a job that would require her to work more than 4 hours on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday. If she’s going to work a longer shift, it should be on Friday or the weekend.</p>
<p>I agree though, that it’s possible your daughter is misinterpreting not being welcoming, for just being a little slow to warm up to new bodies.</p>
<p>If she has friends, she should consider joining the activities they do. My son was on the literary magazine, mostly to hang with his friends, but he did help out.</p>
<p>In theory I love the idea of starting/reviving a group…but that takes a certain kind of confidence that a lot of teens (and adults!) just don’t have, especially a child who had her confidence shaken.</p>
<p>Sings, dances, good at design. Your daughter needs to check out the theater productions. I’m betting the stage crew can use a Set Design or Paint Crew member. She can do that even if she does occasionally join the singer/dancers in the chorus of the musicals.</p>
<p>How about getting a job and working? No one says that the only path is school and extracurriculars. A job could be the way to go, if it possible to get one.</p>
<p>I agree with volunteering to crew for stage productions.</p>
<p>Joining the swim team at school is probably the best, easiest way to be involved in a sport. Swim kids are generally accepting and encouraging. We have kids on our team that range in ability to barely swimming to potential D1 athletes. We take all kinds and everyone participates. Since school swim season is a ways off, you can look for a summer league for your D to get in shape. Great way to spend the summer making friends and hanging out at the pool!!</p>