<p>That would be so frustrating, for your daughter to have so many things she’s interested in and not be able to get into them, for one reason or another. My kids were lucky that most of those activities you listed were no cut, everybody gets in. One of the good things about private school, we never had to consider that. I would be really annoyed if my kid couldn’t participate in those experiences.</p>
<p>I second the idea of doing those activities outside of school. They are what she enjoys, and she should be able to participate in them. Many people do just go to their high school classes, hang out with their friends a bit, and leave. She doesn’t have to be highly involved with anything at the high school, show up for scholastics. That actually is pretty common, though I know it’s hard not to compare your other kid’s experiences.</p>
<p>What about club type activities. Multicultural club? Key Club? Amnesty International? Gay Straight Alliance? Even a Quidditch club? </p>
<p>I think it is very common for sports teams to cut and for musical activities to cut as there is usually more interest than a team can handle. </p>
<p>D has friends who were cut from sports they have always done together. They have all found a place. Some are excelling after school (teaching autistic children to skate for example). Others are members of Model UN. And others still are in the art club.</p>
<p>I suspect there may be more going on her than the OP (or her daughter) has disclosed. There may be a reason why the daughter doesn’t feel “welcomed” when she tries to join school clubs. The other kids may, for whatever reason, perceive her as “different” and deliberately exclude her. If that’s the case, she should certainly try the many school activities suggested up-thread . . . but there’s also no reason to try and force a square peg into a round hole. </p>
<p>If school isn’t working, look OUTSIDE! Get a job or a volunteer position where she’ll be judged based on her attitude and performance, and not on high school preconceptions. Be grateful that the majority of the people in your community are NOT high school students, and encourage your daughter to find acceptance elsewhere!</p>
<p>This situation is more common than you think… large, competitive public high schools are not an ideal environment for every student and I think that many of them just get tired of “being on their game 24/7” to stand out in the crowd. My daughter, an excellent student, is leaving after her junior year at a similar high school, as are others I know of, to find her passion and a balance before she leaves for college.</p>
<p>Some are dual enrollment, some are independent study, some are going to private school for just one year. The important thing to remember here is that your daughter will land in a great place when she heads off to college, regardless of how many EC’s she can join in the next 2 years… encourage her this summer to think outside of the box and come up with something new and different. She may need a mentor to get started. But don’t doubt that there is some place that she will be really happy and can start fresh! </p>
<p>She doesn’t sound like the kind of kid that wants to go to a college where everyone else is going anyway!</p>
<p>Some of you people are pretty harsh. It sounds to me as if nothing is “wrong” with this girl. She has friends and interests. She just happens to attend a competitive, cliquey HS. She would like to be active in her school and she has been hurt. It happens and it isn’t easy.</p>
<p>We also have to remember that participation in activities at school usually does not require special transportation arrangements. Participation in activities in the community may.</p>
<p>Not everyone lives in an area that is served by public transportation. Not everyone is physically capable of riding a bicycle safely while wearing a school backpack that weighs 20 pounds or more. Not everyone can afford to use taxis on a regular basis. Therefore, in some instances, a child’s participation in activities away from school requires the parent to provide transportation, and this may not be practical in some instances.</p>
<p>School may be the only place where this girl can participate in anything.</p>
<p>But, fallgirl, I don’t think this is a suprise to this parent.</p>
<p>Two years back, when her daughter was an 8th grader who hated her competitive middle school, many of us suggested to her that she might look at alternative education environments for her daughter.</p>
<p>So, she has hated this school system for quite some time. My suggestion to get a job is simply one that many kids who hated their high school have followed to great success, in fact. Comptetive school districts, which tend to be political and have a lot of stuff going on behind the scenes, aren’t for everyone.</p>
<p>there’s nothing “wrong” with that, and there is certainly nothing “wrong” with a kid who doesn’t like that game. It’s played mainly by the parents, a lot of the time, anyway, and the kids just get stuck.</p>
<p>She should look for things to do with her time outside of this school district. She hated it in 8th grade and she hasn’t yet found her place and she is starting junior year. Hopefully, by now, she has a driver’s license and can go out and find out for herself what we all know: life and highschool life have very little in commmon.</p>
<p>For athletics definitely have her check out cross country and track. Son was a runner and they always got people joining them the second week of practice after the soccer cuts. His team had around 60 boys and 60 girls (HS of 2000 or so), unusually large number/percentage of students. Nice that everyone runs in a meet and you compete against yourself. Son also had music and academic EC’s. Running, even if one of only a dozen, is a great stress reliever.</p>
<p>Many students are not happy with HS life- college is so much better because it is chosen not just where your parents work/live chance.</p>
<p>In theory I love the idea of starting/reviving a group…but that takes a certain kind of confidence that a lot of teens (and adults!) just don’t have, especially a child who had her confidence shaken.</p>
<p>We’re told she had a good group of school friends. Surely some of them are likely in the same position and would want to join this group. She could start a small task with a small group. If they are successful they could become a little bigger with a little bigger task. Imagine the confidence booster of having an idea and making it happen.</p>
<p>Maybe there’s a special needs school in the area they could perform at?</p>
<p>My daughter also had some problems fitting in at her large high school when she started 9th grade. She played in the pit orchestra in the spring musical during her freshman year and that helped a bit. Beginning in her sophomore year, she joined the school color guard and that really helped her to find her niche and learn how to bond with other nice and studious girls.</p>
<p>It takes time and I agree with the above posters that she may have to look outside the school to find her niche if nothing at school helps. Good luck!</p>
<p>You say that she does have friends. Can she start a new afterschool activity or club and find a teacher to sponsor/supervise it? Can she find a few of her friends who would then join? </p>
<p>My son did this, not because he could not find things to join, but because he wanted a certain club that did not exist. He was able to start one and the faculty gave him the support that he needed.</p>
<p>She has lots of interests, so perhaps she could find a niche by starting a new EC.</p>
<p>I understand a competitive environment, but there is something to be said about paying ones dues. In theater, sophomore girls rarely get parts, but they can always be used in crew, on sound or lights, helping with costumes, etc. In addition to auditioning, it helps to be around so the director can know that this person can be counted on. </p>
<p>Look for academic opportunities, like Academic Bowl, Quiz Bowl, etc. Key Club or another volunteer group would be inclusive, especially if she goes in with her friends. If she can volunteer to manage for sports, that allows her to be part of a team.</p>
<p>Thank you for the responses. It is true that I posted about my daughter being unhappy in school in 8th grade too, and I regret terribly sending to our big public high school. Unfortunately, that is what her siblings did, and she wanted to do the same thing, as well as continue with her group of friends. I don’t think it has been the right environment for her, but our private schools all cost about $30K and aren’t a viable option for our family either. Plus, all the academic competition is just as intense there. But she may have had an opportunity to try more things EC wise, and I am very sad about that.</p>
<p>She tried to write for the school paper, but her articles were eclipsed by the senior writers who either “rewrote” what she wrote (and she’s a good writer!), or didn’t include her piece. The same thing happened with the yearbook in freshman year. She’d work on a page and the seniors would “fix it”, ignoring hours of work. It didn’t feel inclusive, as most of the activities at our high school don’t.</p>
<p>She is not a “quiz bowl” type of kid, and those activities are packed with incredibly high functioning academic type kids. She is more “arty”, and those activities are the ones that are very clique-ish and exclusionary.</p>
<p>She is involved in some out of school activities, and I guess I’ll help her find more. Being a part of school activities, however, really made high school more fun for my older children, and her being left out of them for this child hurts my mother heart!! A job is also a good idea. She does babysit, but it probably isn’t steady enough.</p>
<p>I have come to realize that some environments are just plain wrong for certain kids. I think this very large and competitive school is wrong for my D. Unfortunately, there isn’t much we can do now, aside from try to find alternatives out of school. It sure wasn’t the way I hoped things would go for her. I think some amount of heartbreak is common in high school and I am all for learning resilience. This is a bit extreme.</p>
<p>“She tried to write for the school paper, but her articles were eclipsed by the senior writers who either “rewrote” what she wrote (and she’s a good writer!), or didn’t include her piece. The same thing happened with the yearbook in freshman year. She’d work on a page and the seniors would “fix it”, ignoring hours of work. It didn’t feel inclusive, as most of the activities at our high school don’t.”</p>
<p>This is the nature of journalism, and if she had not taken it so personally she would have been able to listen to the seniors and learn the expectation and the style. She may be a great writer, but their is a lot more to writing for the paper than good writing. I doubt that the senior were completely ignoring her hard work, because they too had to start at the bottom. Does she have anyone older in the school that she can talk to about this? I am sure that a senior can give her a reality check, especially about paying their dues. She was probably a great writer for a freshman, but it is part of the process. she will experience this in college as well, and in the workplace. Did she stick it out in both the school paper and yearbook, or did she take these early failures as an excuse to quit?</p>
<p>I have a good friend who has a daughter who never fit in her high school. She doesn’t sound as socially comfortable as your D, and she was bullied mildly and was quirky, not very tolerant of kids who didn’t work hard or who she felt were “lazy”. She may be a little on the Asperger’s side. She found some success on a sports team, but even there was not in the cool crowd. She kind of just motored through hs and is thriving at college, where she seems to have found her people. </p>
<p>Some kids just bloom at different times. Your daughter sounds lovely. Nurture her as best you can; I’ll bet she’ll find her place at college.</p>
<p>Here is an idea for the OP’s daughter to consider…one of my friend’s daughters was also having trouble finding her place in high school activities. She and a friend who also felt a bit 'shut out" went to the head of the PE department to get that teacher to help sponsor a new club… it was called Not for Jocks. </p>
<p>It is basically an intramural league for the non-athletes. They use school facilities but in the off seasons…for example, the league plays flag football in the spring, basketball in the early fall etc… The kids play everything from inner tube water polo to ultimate frisbee to volleyball to dodge ball etc. There are very minimal fees involved. The only rule is that athletes on school teams cannot play.</p>