<p>Delta66, your story breaks my heart. You could be the mom of one of my daughter’s friends, except that they moved one mile to a similar house expressly so that she could attend the public high school that has more prestige, but is, for the exact reasons you described not the best place for many, many kids. She is miserable. </p>
<p>The upside to your story is that your daughter has friends at her school. That is not to be downplayed. </p>
<p>If you have the resources, club teams, and activities not connected to the school could work for her. </p>
<p>And as was stated upthread, cross country and track teams frequently don’t cut runners. Only the best compete in the “A” races, but everyone generally can compete in the “B” and “C” races. I second the comment that a LOT of former team players who are cut as freshmen find out they are fantastic runners when they move to XC and track. My son is one of them. Last kid cut from soccer freshman year, moved to XC, where he quickly became one of the fastest runners on the team. Competed at state XC and Track meets all four years. The XC and Track teams were the only ones in the school to win state medals during his four years of high school. The kids on those teams were some of the nicest kids we’ve ever met. He made a number of friends that he wouldn’t have made otherwise. </p>
<p>Community theater, offering to work for free as a student reporter for a local paper (the smaller the better. Think: the village monthly, or the county wide free paper) could be other options.</p>
<p>I also agree that marching band color guard can be a great, non snarky place to land. Our marching band has never turned away anyone for color guard, no prior experience in band or dance is necessary. Marching Band is another place to find welcoming, nice kids.</p>
<p>Track, tech for theater, team manager for the sports teams. Sometimes the trainer will have a kid who shadows, which can actually be a cool position (around here it is, anyway)</p>
<p>Art classes at the local community college now that she is old enough.</p>
<p>The good news is now you know what kind of colleges to look for, and, it’s okay that high school isn’t great, even if it hurts some, now. It feels like forever, but I never met too many truly interesting people who LOVED high school. ;)</p>
<p>@delta66 The high school your daughter attends sounds a lot like ours. My oldest daughter wanted very much to play soccer in high school but couldn’t make the cut. She ended up doing crew (rowing) outside of high school (club sport). Great sport, big team building component, you don’t have to be the “best” athlete, and because of the time commitment - definite friend/social group. So if that is an option in the area where you live, you should have your daughter try a week in summer and see if she likes it. </p>
<p>My youngest daughter loves the stage but didn’t make the cut for the high school musical (very competitive - and she looks much younger than her age, so is hard to cast). She was very upset, but has recently started helping back stage and in the booth for community theater shows - absolutely loves it!</p>
<p>OP, this sounds like my daughter. But she didn’t give up and landed a few leadership positions. She also stepped up her ECs outside of school and applied/accepted to more summer activities that are meaningful to her.</p>
<p>My daughter did costumes for the theater productions. And yearbook. At year book she felt the frustrations and when she was in charge she understood the big picture nd fixed fresh,an work</p>
<p>At college my other d wrote for radio news, she was thrilled the first time a piece had no corrections!!!</p>
<p>One can come across as too big for their britches and and a know it all even if right.</p>
<p>My gut tells me your daughter would have been unhappy At the private school as well. She wants it all now and isn’t willing to pay her dues. </p>
<p>Hs fun is way overblown and ypurndaughter is not you nor is she her older siblings. Stop expecting the same experiences. You expectations dont help her feeling of exclusions.</p>
<p>Delta- my heart hurts for you. I think we have all seen this senario play out. We have a similar high school. If you want to join any sport you’d have better spent the last few years playing premier level in the club arena. I have a friend who was exactly where your daughter is today. She chose an interesting route, she became very involved with her church, from singing in a traveling chorus to earning money taking care of children on Sunday mornings at the services. Then she decided that one group was even more passed over than herself at school, the autistic kids mainstreamed at school. She started a group to reach out to them and give them social activites that worked for them. The group began with a few girls then blossomed into a group of 15 people serving about 25 students. They became very significant in the families of the students they worked hard to serve. I guess this is to say, if you can’t join them- start your own club, group, service opportunity.</p>
<p>Okay, as a former professional writer and editor I have very little sympathy for your D. Editors are responsible for the quality of the publication. They are not going to let every wannabe writer or page designer do their own thing in the name of being “inclusive” while the publication as a whole suffers, in their view. She was being included. She just didn’t want to accept the reality of the publication process and pay her dues. The best writers all have editors. If the people who write for The New Yorker, for example, can deal with being edited, and with senior editors deciding that unfortunately the piece they submitted just doesn’t fit this week, a freshman in high school ought to have enough humility to do so.</p>
<p>If she really does have a strong artistic vision that she wants to express, I suggest that she create her own magazine. (One of the girls in my S’s class did so. It was very impressive.) If she wanted it to be a more collaborative activity, she could solicit submissions. Of course, then SHE would be in the position of deciding whether they needed some editing, or should be published at all…</p>
<p>Cons, there are kids who choose to lord it over lesser students by rejecting their work. My kid wrote a short story, the creative writing teacher approached <em>her</em> to get the piece included in the literary magazine, and the kid in charge flatly rejected it.</p>
<p>Thank heaven we chose to live in a neighborhood that goes to a less prestigious school. Kid got to be in a seconds choir, on a science team, on the media production team - all no doubt because at our school, a mere mortal could participate. And frankly, the snobs tend not to attend this school so the fellow students are easier to deal with than at some other schools.</p>
<p>I would suggest that the OPs kid look into less popular activities and grow with them.</p>
<p>How about taking photos for the newspaper?
Community service clubs?
Girl Scouts or Boy Scout Venturing Crew?
Our HS has a club called Youth Ending Hunger. Is there something like that at the school or in the community?
Our HS has Spanish Club and German Club and Latin Club for the kids who study those languages.
AFS club for kids who do activities with the exchange students.
Fencing? Crew?</p>
<p>The kids who are involved in theater tend to be particularly open minded and welcoming, and there are a lot of misc. jobs involved in putting on a production, and not just back stage: publicity, programs, ticket sales.</p>
<p>Many sports teams are hard and the relationships may already be very solidly knit, but I am sure there is a place for her. Good luck. I know this is hard on parents, too.</p>
<p>As a teenager, I never fit at school. I did play jv sports, but wasn’t good enough to play past 10th grade. I ran varsity track because anyone could; no cuts. I tried going to club meetings, but I never felt welcome for whatever reason. Heck, at my school there was even a place at the bottom of the main stairs (“The Water Hole”) where I was constantly reminded I didn’t fit, because only the “cool” kids were welcome there. </p>
<p>As adults, we sometimes forget what it feels like to be a teenager, or maybe we were the cool kids so we can’t relate. The truth is, many teens feel like they don’t fit. It is not easy. We expect our kids to be joiners and leaders … and they don’t all feel like it is possible in the situation they are in.</p>
<p>My advice for OP’s D is to keep plugging away, trying different things until something clicks. My D ended up starting a Habitat for Humanity chapter at her school. She met kids from other schools on the executive committee, and it was a great experience for her. She didn’t set out to start a club, but she got pulled into it while volunteering for Habitat in the summer. Community volunteering might be a good idea for OP’s D.</p>
<p>I think it is extreme to say that your daughter’s situation is “extreme.” Think of all that she has - she <em>does</em> have friends, she seems smart and talented, and that is leaps and bounds more than a lot of other high school students have. Your daughter has a lot to be thankful for.</p>
<p>That being said, I am sorry that she cannot find a niche. When she is a junior or senior she will probably have made a lot of progress. It is tough the first year or two of high school. Juniors and seniors often aren’t as welcoming of younger classmates joining “their” clubs and trying to take “their” spots in the newspaper and yearbook. What about less competitive clubs that don’t involved editing or cutting others’ work, such as art club, environmental clubs, intramural sports, etc.? </p>
<p>Others have brought up the point about your daughter not feeling welcome in multiple situations and then quitting - maybe try to get her to tough it out for the remainder of the school year (meaning next year, since this year’s about done). It takes a lot of time to really build friendships and “prove” yourself a valuable member of a club or social group. She might not be giving it the due time that is necessary. And if students keep seeing her pop in and out of clubs all of the time, they may not be as welcoming because they begin to expect her to quit early on. </p>
<p>I wish her the best of luck in her remaining years. High school is tough for everyone, no matter how popular, intelligent, or talented they are. There are all kinds of pressures, and it is unfortunate. But how we get through it is what sets us apart.</p>
<p>I will reiterate - track, cross country, swimming, bowling - investigate some sports that are not the main sports. Swimming for example - there is a place for everyone - and because you swim in heats, anyone can be successful, even if you are not the fastest on the team. They need people for relays.</p>
<p>Track- same thing - often can find an event to be competitive in. </p>
<p>I wonder whether OP is projecting a bit and taking on too many feelings for the dd. I don’t read that OP’s dd is miserable. She has " a number of good friends." Awesome. Yes, she’s tried a few things and they didn’t work out, but that’s the case for lots of kids. OP keeps comparing her dd’s experience to her other kids’ experiences and concludes this child’s experience is lacking. Maybe it’s not. Maybe the dd just isn’t a joiner or doesn’t need the level of social interaction the other kids did. Maybe it’s not bothering the dd as much as the mom thinks.</p>
<p>If OP comes back and says her dd comes home crying every day, that’s something different, but I don’t get the sense that that’s happening. For years, I felt sorry for ds1 because he didn’t have this rockin’ social life, like I did at his age. Turns out he didn’t want or need one. (((Hugs))) to OP.</p>
<p>Think positive. At least she has friends and has tried some activities.
A lot of good possibilities have been mentioned.
What about tutoring? Are there LD or ESL students who need help? Your D is artistic–how about helping to plan, advertise, decorate for school dances/events?
Nursing homes are always looking for volunteers. Students who come in to sing/play music, or just visit with residents get a lot of positive feedback. Is there an environmental group that helps with park cleanups? Lots of low-key, non-competitive activities. Many students at big schools feel the same way. Don’t give up.</p>
<p>I don’t know if your state has “school choice” whereby students can go to public schools in other districts for free. I would take her to look at other public schools, if that is the case, and perhaps also private traditional schools, community college, and alternative schools.</p>
<p>Sometimes looking at other schools makes a kid feel less trapped, more that they are choosing an environment, and that is empowering. Or, sometimes, actually seeing another school can make the choice less abstract and they are more open to changing.</p>
<p>My kids went to a small high school where almost everyone who tries out for a play gets a role, sports teams and chorus aren’t that hard to get on, etc.etc. So a smaller school might work out better.</p>
<p>Like others, I don’t really get the picture if she has a lot of friends where she is. How can she feel so shut out if she has a lot of friends?</p>
<p>Another suggestion for getting a job/volunteer and Girl Scouts. They have options for being a Girl Scout without joining a troop. There is a big initiative on right now for the Girl Scout Leadership Experience and the “to get her there” campaign. </p>
<p>Senior Centers LOVE young volunteers. The daytime Senior Centers in our area would be delighted to have someone write regular press releases for the area newspapers and Patch. And…there’s the opportunity to interact directly with the Seniors.</p>
<p>OP, I’m not clear on why the only choice for your D is school activities. My D did only one EC connected with her high school, a club for one year. Her EC energies were focused at her dance studio and and her church stuff. She had lots of friends at school too, but she never thought of school as the primary place for her extracurricular interests. </p>
<p>Can’t your D find some non-school activities to get involved with?</p>
<p>For those who think I might be projecting, it is true that I had a difficult time in high school, so am sensitive about this. But, what my D feels is not my projecting at all. She comes home, after losing a student council election or failing an audition (several of them—this has been a repeated situation) and is distraught, wondering why “nothing ever works out”. Her friends have gotten elected or into singing groups, and that is part of the problem. She’s like to be a part of these things too. And she isn’t. And yes, she feels terrible and sad about it. She feels that she doesn’t belong, because although she does have friends (not a loner at lunch, does have some activities with them), they are “bonding” in these activities, and she is not included. So even some of the friends have moved on a bit.</p>
<p>If one does not live in a community with such competitive schools, it is probably hard to understand. When we chose to live her, we only picked it “for the schools”. I know better now, since I don’t think an ubercompetitive school is the best choice for everyone. It means that kids cannot participate in many of the school activities that they would like to do. At a less competitive school, I suspect my D would be in a singing group, musical and running a lot of things. But that is not the case.</p>
<p>Finally, again she does dance and some other things outside of school. We don’t go to church or have 4H or some other suggestions, so those are not options. But volunteering and work are options, and she will have to find some other things outside of school. She also thinks she will try the newspaper or yearbook again next year.</p>
<p>I think people are underestimating the importance of being involved in school (for some kids—maybe your kids didn’t care, but mine does), as a way of feeling connected and part of things. It’s just hard for some kids (maybe not yours, but certainly mine) to have tried so many activities, particularly ones that require elections or auditions (which mean, putting yourself out there for someone else to judge) and losing out. It’s tough to constantly be stoic, and return to school after these experiences.</p>
<p>Actually, I grew up in one of those areas and went to one of those competitive high schools with a “name.” It was nothing like it is today, though. You did what you wanted to do. Not everyone thought they needed “EC’s”… We didn’t even really call them that. People did the things they liked to do. A lot of kids didn’t do anything. Some kids had jobs. It was different.</p>
<p>If you hate it there, do something.</p>
<p>We moved.</p>
<p>Nobody is forcing you to stay.</p>
<p>If you plan on staying, there is nothing YOU can do about it except come up with a list of things she can possibly do and also suggest she get a job. She may be unhappy for the next few years, or she may find her place. Either way, it’s really not going to have all that much to do with you, at this point. Did she try debate? Debate is a class which is also an EC. The kids travel and become quite good freinds.</p>