Not fitting in at boarding school

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<p>My 14 yr old 9th grader son went to boarding school this year because he was ashamed of living in an apartment when the other kids at his hometown middle school lived 'in mansions' (not exactly true, although most lived in houses). So he wouldn't invite people over, and things went from bad to worse, he had no friends at all in 7th and 8th grades. </p>

<p>So I put him in boarding school.</p>

<p>Well, I introduced him to what turned out to be his second roommate just before I left after helping him move in. The boy is nice, friendly, not competitive or perfectionistic which is what my son is like. </p>

<p>Only problem is that my s has no other friends esxcept a couple of sophomores who I think he met thru his roommate, and in a recent email to me he called all the other 9th grader boys in the boarding school 'jerks'. </p>

<p>He will start tennis in January, and my s is a natural athlete (and got very good at racquetball in about 6 months last year). My s just lacks friendship skiills, and is a perfectionist and quiet by nature anyway. He's a rather handsome kid, and has great manual dexterity and has no objectionable bad habits, etc. and gets decent grades, but he clearly lacks friendship skills. He's quietly critical, of himself and others. His dad has a slight slight tendency to be paranoid, and I've noticed just a slight touch of this in my s, as well. My s thought in 8th grade that the other kids were laughing at him at school, and I had to assure him that it wasn't so, that they didn't care about him one way or the other. (I verified this with a mom I slightly knew whose d was in my d's class, and her s was in my s's class. She asked her son casually about my s, and sure enough, the boy said, I don't know him, he has his friends and I have mine. I trust the mom and know she didn't let on to her son why she was asking.)</p>

<p>A further complication is that his roommate this year may leave at the end of the year due to financial problems and thus not return next year.</p>

<p>I asked my s about joining clubs and he said it was too late, and that's probably true. I have told the guy in charge of that dorm, but he hasn't responded. I did want to know if he could give my s some jobs to do, hopefully put him in charge of social activities or doing something for the social activities, but I haven't heard anything back about it, and I asked twice, 2 months ago and then last month. I haven't otherwise talked to the guy in charge, just those 2 emails a month apart.</p>

<p>What to do? Pull him out at end of year and try another boarding school? Keep him there and hope for the best? I'm inclined to keep him there, but not sure if I should do so.</p>

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<p>what school does he go to to? </p>

<p>btw, definitely do not pull out. i wasn’t very social last year, had about 5 good friends, was in a clique and didn’t leave it…EVER but this year i have tons of friends and im a criss-crosser between cliques. im accepted pretty much everywhere, hang out with them, then leave and go to another group. just tell him to be positive, talk about joining the club with the advisor, just to persuade him to let him in, smile to everybody, talk a lot and pretty soon he’ll be popular</p>

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<p>Yes, I also mentioned the ‘smiling a lot’ and ‘talking to others’ advice to him. I know he’s not taking it, yet anyway, but will remind again periodically.</p>

<p>I guess this is a process, to go from zero friends for a couple of years and being really self-conscious, I should just be glad he likes and hangs out mostly exclusively with the roommate and a few sophs stop by. As little as it seems, it clearly is progress!</p>

<p>I will hang in there and hope for the best. And yes, I saw this happen with my own d, too. Went from very-shallow-saying-hello-as-she-passed-kids-but-no-real-friends year to the next year really coming out of it and getting involved. </p>

<p>Thanks so much for your response! It confirmed my gut feeling.</p>

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<p>If he had this problem in his middle school at home and his boarding school now, moving to a new school will not help his problem. </p>

<p>I’m sure boarding schools vary, but I strongly dooubt it is too late to join clubs. </p>

<p>Sounds like he needs to work on his interpersonal skills and his confidence needs a boost. I think he should develop a plan of attack. Ex: I am going to join 2 new clubs, I am going to reach out to these people, etc. </p>

<p>I recommend that your son seek out the help of the counseling staff available on his campus. He can explain his problems to them and they can help him seek out solutions and take the steps to improve his social skills. </p>

<p>Perhaps he’ll listen better if it comes from someone else. It sounds like he’s just throwing excuses at you e.g. “all the boys are jerks”, “it’s too late to join clubs”.</p>

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<p>ivydreamin: just a reminder - boarding school essentially means new school for freshmen. so being a new school (and a new “home”), it’s not exactly easy for people, some more than others.
:smiley:
also, there will always be new kids every year, especially in sophomore year when your son has “adapted”, mind my word choice</p>

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<p>Yeah, he is giving excuses when he says, ‘all the boys are jerks’.</p>

<p>I questioned him further, and he says that because the boys tease each other, and he perceives some of what is said as ‘mean’. I told him that’s how boys relate to each other, and it’s all in fun. He’s just not used to it, having lived mostly with Mom and big sis, seeing his dad only occasionally.</p>

<p>Thanks so much for the comments. I always think that several ‘heads’ are better than one!</p>

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<p>All teen feel like they don’t fit in. </p>

<p>Changing schools will not change your son. </p>

<p>The second year is always better</p>

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<p>I have 2 kids in boarding school, one a senior and one a freshman (different schools). They have completely different personalities – my youngest has a thousand friends and always has. He is very social and gregarious. Oldest is quiet, a perfectionist, critical of himself (and others and the world). He has rarely had more than just a few friends and it takes him a long time (think years) to get those friends – and that is ok. It took us a while to realize that not everyone has to have a large group of friends to succeed. For some kids (introverts) having friends is draining, and when added to the pressures of sports/clubs/activities/academics it can just be overwhelming.</p>

<p>Unless your son is truly upset and feels like everyone hates him, I would let him know that there are many people out there that take a long time to acquire friends. It is ok to be that way.</p>

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<p>Holden Caufield is a badass, let your son be Holden.</p>

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<p>I’m more concerned by the lack of response by his dorm leader. I suggest you go one step up to the dean of students. You are paying for this school and you deserve more than silence.</p>

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<p>I didn’t expect to find any more responses. Thank you all!</p>

<p>Thanks, hsmom (sorry, forget your screen name), I appreciate the reminder that introverts go more slowly in this area of acquiring friends. I guess my s really is an introvert like his father. I am very different, my ex-husband told me when we were first going out that I was ‘easy to talk to’–unlike him, as it turns out, which I didn’t realize at the time but learned over the years. </p>

<p>My s told me he was asked by his dorm supervisor a few weeks ago to go around and ask the other boys if they wanted to join a newly-forming chess club that my s was interested in joining. So I think that may have been a subtle way of encouraging my son to reach out to the other 9th graders.</p>

<p>Thanks for all the advice. I will keep it in mind over the next several months as the situation evolves.</p>

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<p>i used to have the same problem - i was the new kid in school and only a few people talked to me…i sat with my friend’s friends, but we only say a few sentences to each other daily…but then i started doing extra-curricular and after school activities like acting workshops and sports, which helped me bond more with my peers…this year, (8th grade) i talk more to people, joke around and asked for their phone numbers and screen names so i can talk to them everytime, and it definitely worked!</p>

<p>i know that there are people out there who want to be friends with your s, maybe they are also shy…maybe giving you son some time to think about these things will help him come out of his shell…i really, REALLy suggest doing hands-on activities becuase they require interaction between students…compliment other people even with the tiniest things and usually, sarcasm works…but you have to follow it with a “jk” or a laugh at the end…</p>

<p>moving your s to a different school might be hard for him… let him stay in his school, since he already knows some people…tell him not to try to fit in… i mean, you don’t have to wear branded clothes or play a certain sport just to have friends…take me as an example, we have a tiny clique made up of about 8 or 9 people (well, it’s not really a clique, it’s just a group of people who get a long very well) and all of them, except for me, wear skinny jeans, yet, they accepted me for who i am…</p>

<p>you know, just make them laugh…talk about interesting topics like boys,(in your son’s case, girls) tv shows or movies instead of classes, lessons and grades.</p>

<p>:) take care…i hope your son makes a lot of new friends this school year…JUST BELIEVE IN YOURSELF, AND THE REST WILL FALL INTO PLACE.</p>

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<p>I think he just needs to integrate himself into clubs. as a freshman, i came to my public high school not knowing anyone but joining clubs quickly solved all that. it’s not like i didn’t face any speed bumps on the way though. i had my share of sitting with friend’s friends and worrying about who would be my partner in a group project but it all passed. convince him to join a club and make sure it’s something that he enjoys doing otherwise it will just make him more self conscious. if he’s enjoying the club’s activity, he automatically has people nearby who have a similarity with him. but don’t pull out. your son is at a great opportunity going to a boarding school. by the way, what school does he go to?</p>

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<p>out of curiousity, which school? i’m thinking of a couple quiet, but very much so decent, and nice kids at my current boarding school that fits your sons mold, so if nothing else, your son is not alone (irony.) really, i think your son will do spiffing, it’s not easy to adapt immediately. for me it has taken 3 months to really be happy with where i am, but for the time before now it was irksome and my progress reports to home weren’t all shining.</p>

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<p>I’ve always been the odd one out. I don’t wear abercrombie, and juicy ect… I’m a musician, and I’m in all honors classes. It doesn’t seem like this would set me apart from the others (especially cause I’m at a private school) but it does. In elementary school (public) I had some OK friends, but no best friends. Once I switched to the private school I lost contact with most of my elementary school friends (which shows that we weren’t very close) At my current school, the situation has gotten better, but I am classified as “geek” (and only one or two of my friends share that title with me, its not a good thing) Also, (even though its gotten better since 4th grade) my grade (8th grade) is still so immature I seem to have cooties (according to two or three boys, and even a couple girls). Recently I was made fun of everyday in the PE locker room (by one or two girls) and most of the other girls are pretty hostile towards me. Overall, I have not had the best of the best, but once I settled with my 4 good (and only) friends at school, I’ve been fine. I ignore the kids at school and when I go to my many various extra-curriculars, I feel like the feeling of hate is just lifted off my shoulders. I have lots of really good friends and I am friendly with almost everybody at music school. At hebrew school I am friendly with most of the people (though not good friends, I do not have cooties) and I have 2 pretty good friends.</p>

<p>Pretty much what I am saying is, even if your isn’t accepted within his peers and in his grade, he will definitely be able to find somewhere where he fits in and be able to shake off everybody else. It may take a while but its worth it. Its much better to have a small group of really good friends that you can talk to, than a large group of people who just say hi in the hallway kind of friends. GOOD LUCK! (there’s hope)</p>

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<p>Thanks to all you middle and high schoolers who wrote in with your own situations, letting me know my s isn’t the only one! </p>

<p>I had pretty much decided to just let him stay at his school (which I don’t want to ID, sorry!), and it looks like that’s pretty much the consensus of all the respondents, too. </p>

<p>I really appreciate your comments and sharing your own experiences. That was very kind of you. :)</p>

<p>Thanks again, and Merry Christmas! (and Happy Hannukah! to those to whom it applies).</p>