Not Fitting in.

Colleges and Universities A-Z Duke University
1

<p>I'm a freshman here and though I love the breadth and depth of Duke's academic opportunities, its athletic excellence, and scores of other qualitative things I feel really isolated here socially and am starting to feel a little depressed. I honestly think that social interaction is the most important thing in a college experience and I am beginning to consider transferring because of it.</p>

<p>I don't really consider myself to be overly antisocial, though I may seem that way sometimes. I'm not that outgoing and am kind of socially passive and awkward. I had the same core group of friends from elementary school through high school and I guess somewhere along the way I lost the ability to take social risks and meet new people/make new friends. I'm really only comfortable and outgoing around friends but to make friends I have to be exactly that so my situation is paradoxical in that sense. In high school I would go all sorts of places with friends and never really felt alone.</p>

<p>I didn't go to Blue Devil Days, I didn't do a Pre-Orientation program, and I am coming in knowing absolutely nobody here. When I got here it seemed like a majority of the freshman class had already formed groups of friends from the aforementioned activities/high school/partying but there were plenty of people still introducing themselves to each other and I met quite a few people, though I didn't really get a chance to see/follow up with anyone and make friends. Shortly after this one of my friends from back home was killed and I just wanted to be by myself for about a week to deal with it. Now that my head has cleared (for the most part) I want to make friends here (I feel like I literally know no one) but nobody is really introducing themselves to each other anymore and people all seem to be in tight-knit groups, I seems like I missed whatever window I might have had. I guess another way of putting it is that I am shy to the point that I literally can't just walk up to a group of laughing, talking friends I don't know and introduce myself.</p>

<p>I'm really at a loss as to what I need to do to fit in here. As of yet I'm just signing up for as many Extra-Curriculars as I possibly can in an attempt to meet people but--to be honest-- I'm skeptical that it will work. I feel very different from most students here in that I don't really have an interest in partying (I mean I would try it if someone invited me to go/told me where to find one as I really have no basis to hate on them without attempting to go). Additionally I feel inferior to people here because it seems like all the girls are gorgeous and all of the guys are big jock types (I'm skinny/gangly/nerdy) so this adds to my trepidation in approaching people. My typical friends were more like me both physically and in their interests. In high school I preferred going to a friend's house and play video games than getting drunk for example. This (general interests of the student body) is something that I, regrettably, did not really consider when choosing my college.</p>

<p>I'm mainly looking for advice from other students here (be they upperclassmen or fellow freshmen) as to what they think I should do to correct this problem or maybe share anecdotes if they were in similar situations and overcame them. I would really love not to have to transfer or anything but if things continue along this path (and I don't make friends in my EC's) then I think I will need to; there's no point in spending tons of tuition money if I'm not happy here. Thanks and sorry that this is so long-winded.</p>

2

<p>Hello Anonymous, </p>

<p>I just posted you a long response that got deleted. Since I am worried about you, I will attempt to write it again. </p>

<p>I am a Duke alum, a Duke mom, a Duke Interviewer and a college counselor. I have lots to say to you! </p>

<p>First of all I am so sorry about your friend. That is a horrible tragedy that can’t be under-estimated. It takes way longer to get over such a loss than a week, sometimes we never do. You have to recognize that. And since you are in the middle of one of the biggest transitions that you’ve ever made, it’s even that much harder. I want you to talk to someone to help you sort out your feelings about the loss. CAPs is the Duke counseling center. Their number is 919 660-1000. Please call there tomorrow and get set up for an appointment. Trust me, they are very used to freshmen coming in feeling terrible this time of year. Here is a link to their web page addressing transitioning as a freshman. [Duke</a> University | Student Affairs | Counseling & Psychological Services | First Year At Duke](<a href=“Duke Student Affairs”>Duke Student Affairs) </p>

<p>Please understand that I am 100% positive that many many students are worried, homesick, and lonely at the beginning of college. Even those that look totally at ease socially, might be fighting their own demons. When you look around, don’t just see the obvious good looking groups of people. If you get past seeing them, you will see people sitting alone, walking alone, and eating alone. Some may be lonely and wishing someone would talk to them. Imagine they might be as lonely as you, and think of it as YOUR duty as a Duke student to approach and be kind to them. I always say that if you are really sad and homesick, you should concentrate on being nice to others. Give give give and you will eventually be filled with love from others. I know this is hard at first, but if you are genuinely trying to just be kind to others, eventually you will find an opening. Not everyone, this first week of school, is as unapproachable as they look.</p>

<p>My sophomore son just told me that he’s met more people as a sophomore than he did as a freshman. I, myself, wasn’t happy at all at first at Duke. I started very slow socially, being a bit of a mis fit in ways myself. But I didn’t LOOK like a misfit at all. I was so lonely and scared inside though. I made the best friends of my life my sophomore and junior years. One of them I talked to today. One I’m sitting by–we’ve been married 21 years. This will happen to you too. You will be a better parent one day for having experienced this. Think FORWARD. </p>

<p>Now, I, as a mom, am giving you an order. It’s midnight at Duke. Go right now to your RA’s room and show him or her your post. You can pick a different freshman RA but you have to do this-- if not right now, you HAVE to do this by tomorrow night this time. You MUST do this. These people have training to help you. If yours is not someone you relate to, find another in the dorm. Ask for suggestions of kids you can hang out with. </p>

<p>I swear to you, I promise 100%, that you are not alone. The feelings that you are having are SOOOO NORMAL. And with your added tragedy, it’s even MORE understandable. When you talk to the RA, don’t make it all about your loss. Also tell them about your loneliness.</p>

<p>And don’t even THINK about transferring. It’s way harder to connect socially as a transfer. You have just begun what might be the best years of your life. </p>

<p>Keep reaching out with your smile. Be kind. Go to your RA. Go to CAPS. Keep looking for the unobvious kids. My son tells me that most kids at Duke are studious and very nice people. Sometimes kids just get unlucky with their dorm halls. My best friend from Duke’s daughter just graduated as the happierst Duke student ever. Her freshman year was tough because her roommate was down right mean and her hall had no girls with whom she bonded. She’s another who you would probably peg as popular and happy. It took her a while to connect. </p>

<p>Don’t give up. Post again soon, because I’m going to think about you and worry! </p>

<p>Let your parents in on this. Don’t protect them. We’ve all “been there.”</p>

<p>And one more thing. Use this post and others to stay connected, but don’t rely on online communication. You need face to face people. It’s easy to stay online too much!!! </p>

<p>Good luck.<br>
DukeShama</p>

3

<p>The above post is great. A few things I would add:</p>

<p>–Have you interacted a lot with the people in your hall/dorm? In my experience, a lot of peoples’ close friends (including my own) ended up being people they lived with, not people they met during orientation week. I’m not saying you have to go bond with the people next door instantly, but try socializing with some of the kids living around you. Ask them if they want to go grab dinner at the Marketplace or something. Strike up a conversation if you see them in the hallway. It might be hard at first, but it’s a skill worth learning, and they could end up being your closest friends.</p>

<p>–East Campus during orientation week definitely feels more party- and alcohol-obsessed than Duke’s student body as a whole. While a lot of people at Duke do enjoy drinking/partying, a lot of people enjoy other things too. For instance, just yesterday, I went to a Super Smash Bros tournament hosted by DAGGER (a Duke gaming club). Maybe you could check out some of their events if you’re in the mood for playing video games?</p>

<p>I’m really sorry to hear about your friend. I’m a sophomore right now, so shoot me a PM if you have any questions or concerns as the year goes on.</p>

4

<p>Anonymous, Funky Hamster has a great point. If you hang out in your commons room, people will start to recognize you and associate you with your hall. Then when you see them on campus, you already have a connection to them and can talk to them, or catch the bus back with them to East, or walk back to the dorm with them. </p>

<p>Be a familiar face in the dorm first. Keep your door open-- prop it with a chair if you have to. Just BE AROUND. Don’t feel like you need to be invited to join in conversations. Just start to believe that you belong. </p>

<p>Keep us all posted! </p>

<p>Duke Shama</p>

5

<p>I just want to add my own story from the eyes of a current Duke student:
I am a sophomore at Duke this year, and I’m having the time of my life. I don’t regret at all choosing Duke and I absolutely love, love, LOVE Duke; it will be the most amazing four years of your life. However, my first week or two as a freshman was horrible.</p>

<p>I’m a little nerdy, a little awkward, a little weird, and I thought, from the moment I walked into the halls of my dorm, that I wasn’t going to fit in. I’m a lot like you, I hung out with the same friends since I was young, and anybody new that I met was through them. I never went out and made friends on my own, so I dreaded going to college because nobody I was close to was going there. Everybody at Duke was pretty and confident and they just seemed to know what to do, despite the reassurances from my RA that everybody on the inside was the same as me. I was shy, scared, and felt that choosing Duke had been the worst decision of my life (why hadn’t I gone to Caltech where I would have fit in better?). There was no way that the rest of the freshman class felt like this.</p>

<p>O-week was especially horrible. While the RAs tried to create bonding events and stuff, I was too shy to approach people and introduce myself. On top of that, the party culture was a shock to me, and I hadn’t known at all that it was like that. I never partied in high school, never drank, and all of this came as a complete shock (yeah, I didn’t exactly do my research when I came to Duke). I didn’t exactly like crowds and music so loud it made my ears ring, so I sat in my room and Skyped with my friends from home and nursed by loneliness like that. I was absolutely sure that this school year was going to be horrible.</p>

<p>However, this changed during the school year. I started hanging out in the common room to do homework because it was waaay too hot in my room and everybody seemed to be doing it. I went out of my comfort zone and forced myself to introduce myself every time somebody came through the door. This is how I began to actually meet people. While introductions were technically over, they were more than happy to greet me and say their names. Most of them also sat down and chatted for a while with me. While I wasn’t outgoing at all, they were, and that was how I made my first few friends.</p>

<p>What also helps is asking if they’re in the same classes as you, and if they are, suggest to make a study group to do homework together and stuff. This is how I got to be close to some of the people I never thought that I would be.</p>

<p>There’s also plenty of people like you at Duke. You might not see them at first because the more confident kids are there in the spotlight, but look past them, and you’ll find people who are studious, a little quiet, a bit nerdy, but all in all, very very awesome.</p>

<p>So don’t worry! You might have to force yourself to be out of your comfort zone, but in the end, it’s worth it. You’ll make friend with some of the coolest people in the world, and you’ll absolutely love it. We’ve all been where you are now.</p>

6

<p>Hi, I’m also a freshman, and I just want to say that I feel the same way. I’ve met a lot of people, but didn’t really see them again afterwards. I feel frustrated that everyone seems to have best friends and tight groups and that it’s impossible to join them. It feels so awkward when I’m by myself at some event when everyone else are talking with friends. I never partyed in high school but my roomate disappears with a group of friends every night, so I’m also finding it hard to fit in, and you’re definitely not alone. I’m hoping to get to know more people through the whole bunch of clubs I’ve signed up for, and hopefully things will get better for me. You should definitely try too before giving up. Good luck!</p>

7

<p>I also suggest getting to know some of the people in your classes. It is still quite early on, and most Duke students are friendly. If you see someone sitting by themselves in a lecture hall, sit next to them and introduce yourself. When you see anyone sitting by themselves at Marketplace, join them. Those are two great ways to get to know people as well. I have met many people at Duke through these two ways.</p>

<p>DukeShama and all the other posters give great advice. Don’t be afraid to seek help from CAPS. You need to take initiative and responsibility for your physical and emotional health. By seeing staff at CAPS, you are being mature by recognizing that you need help. There is nothing shameful about it; I’ve went to CAPS myself when I struggled through emotional issues. Even students you wouldn’t expect seek help there. You don’t want this situation to affect your grades, and most importantly, ruin your health. It is very tough for anyone to deal with a loss and a major life transition at the same time, so don’t feel embarrassed.</p>

<p>I myself transferred into Duke last year. While I do believe I am getting more out of Duke socially and academically than I did at my previous university, I do feel it was a mistake to think about transferring the first semester of my freshman year. Try your best to keep an open mind as much as you can. Take it one semester at a time. My best friends at my previous university and at Duke were ones that I didn’t meet during the first few weeks of school; I met them in the middle or later part of first semesters at both schools. You can reflect about your Duke experience at the end of first semester during winter break and then decide then whether you would want to transfer or not. Only consider it an option at the end of the first semester. You cannot transfer mid-semester and most schools only accept transfers provided that they complete one year of college. So thinking about transferring now is useless, because you can’t even transfer this semester. Although transferring was a good decision, I do wish that I didn’t keep thinking about transferring everyday at my previous university. I could have had an awesome freshman year if I kept an open mind and didn’t give up, instead of having a “meh” freshman year because I kept thinking about transferring. Even though Duke may seem “fratty” at times, there really is a niche for everyone at Duke, so don’t give up yet. It just takes a while, sometimes up to a year (and this is how long it took me to find my niche at my previous university, even though it had no Greek life).</p>

<p>I know you will be able to get through this. Be sure to seek help. I wish you the best of luck! Please PM if there’s anything I can do to help. However, CAPS is best suited to help you out, not individuals on CC. We can only give suggestions. Please remember that you are not alone, although it may not seem like that. I’ve learned that those who appear the most happiest often are hiding other feelings.</p>

8

<p>Hey, I’m also a freshman. I think it’s really important to keep in mind that the groups of people you currently see hanging out with each other most likely won’t continue to do so a few months from now. Sure, a few people might stay close, but eventually as everyone gets to know each other better we will all start to zero in on exactly which people we want to spend time with. Even though it might not seem like it, there really are a lot of people similar to you (like me) and you really didn’t miss your chance to find your social niche at Duke.
I feel like I was able to make a reasonable amount of friends initially, but I’m certainly still looking to make a lot more. If you’re up for it, I’d be happy to hang out or study with you. PM me if you want to hang out or if you just want to talk.</p>

9

<p>I am so sorry to hear about your loss–that is a hard thing to bear no matter which college you are attending. I am a Duke parent twice-over and I can tell you that much of the frenzied social scene that happens during O week and immediately following will subside and you will find many people looking for deeper friendships. You are on the right track in joining clubs. You will find meaningful relationships through shared interests–whether its ECs or your classes–and you will meet interesting people by sitting in that common room! </p>

<p>Please take the advice given–the more support you have right now, the better!</p>

10

<p>i’m a freshman here as well, if u want to hang out send me a private message and i would be glad to grab breakfast/dinner with u</p>

11

<p>Hey Anonymous101010, amonkeydotnet, and others.
I’m looking into applying early decision to Duke. It’s a great school academically, has a lot of programs, and I really like the campus when I visited Durham last month. My only concern is that I can imagine the same thing happening to me that happened to you. I am a generally friendly person and my small tight group of friends know my as funny, outgoing, and quirky. In new situations, I am awkward, shy, and uncomfortable. I’m not really into parting unless it’s with my best friends, but I’m open to try new things. It seems like you guys share these attributes. Do you think Duke’s a fit for me socially, or should I look into smaller, quirkier schools like Williams and Wesleyan? How did your predicaments at Duke work out? Thanks so much for your help, because this affects my ED plans, and the deadline is soon.</p>

12

<p>No, I think Duke can be a great fit for you. Check out these programs to form the quirky group of friends you are looking for:</p>

<p>[Duke</a> University | Focus Program: Home](<a href=“http://focus.duke.edu/]Duke”>http://focus.duke.edu/)
[About</a> | Round Table](<a href=“Sites@Duke Express – sites.duke.edu”>Sites@Duke Express – sites.duke.edu)
[About</a> Us | Nexus](<a href=“http://sites.duke.edu/thenexus/about-us/]About”>http://sites.duke.edu/thenexus/about-us/)</p>

<p>Among many, many others…everyone will be looking to make new friend during Orientation so I wouldn’t worry too much about that! :)</p>

13

<p>Dear Anonymous101010,</p>

<p>I am starting to think that someone has invented a time machine, because your note could have been written by me many years ago. I attended Duke in the mid to late 1980s and had a very similar 1st semester freshman year. I even had the friend back home dying (well, an acquaintance - but still, pretty shocking). I was uber-skinny too - how does 6’1" and 130 lbs strike you? I put on 45 lbs over semesters 2-4. So many similarities - not knowing anyone there, etc. I won’t bore you with how similar my story is, but I’d like to make a few additional suggestions after echoing the ones above. </p>

<p>First, give yourself TIME. I went to my pre-major advisor - who ended up being one of my profs later - and expressed my wish to transfer. I didn’t really have a good reason to transfer to the places I was considering, other than a couple HS friends were at one and the other was “supposed to be good.” He said to me, in essence, “Don’t decide this now. Give yourself the full academic year and then look back and re-evaluate. You might feel differently by then.” [He was dead-on right]. He also pointed out that the other schools were not as academically selective, and that since I was doing OK in my grades, I should think carefully before leaving a place that would carry significant academic prestige later on. </p>

<p>Now, the rest of that fall was OK - I learned to coexist with the craziness of my all-male freshman dorm/hall, even chuckling about it in retrospect, telling my kids some of their antics. Then things got really interesting. What I’m going to tell you now is the reason that things seemed so much better, which led to other things getting better, and snowballed (to a degree, anyway). It’s not a particularly good or noble reason, but it worked out. What happened was the basketball team started winning - a lot - and the campus really became as one, everyone was happy, everyone was outgoing, everyone was your friend. For context, you have to understand, this was in Coach K’s early years, and under him, the team had only experienced a modicum of success to that point (two consecutive NCAA appearances, back when it was 32 teams, losing both games closely). </p>

<p>Now, I went to Duke as a football fan, and the team went 4-7, which seems pretty good by recent years’ standards. But I came out of that freshman year a basketball fan. The team went to the final that year, falling just short, but winning a then-record 37 games along the way. The team’s success was something everyone was happy about, and gave everyone something in common. It was the ultimate ice-breaker. </p>

<p>I also had to find a niche. For me, it was in the campus religious life, as that was a big part of me at the time. Over the next 3 years I met some wonderful people through that and had some good, memorable, fairly sane and sober times. Also during those 3 years, I was off campus for 2 of them. Not sure if you can do that except as a senior, but I did find that the one time I was back on campus, in an upperclass dorm, things were much more sane and mature compared to the freshman dorm. </p>

<p>The advice to check out extracurriculars is good. Sample a whole bunch and just see what feels right, where you feel comfortable and wanted. Go see some foreign films. Attend a music or dance recital. Go to an art exhibition. Invite someone to lunch or to a play. Hang out before and afterwards and don’t be afraid to say “Hey, I’m ____. So, what did you think?” Another good way to meet people informally is take a PE class just for exercise or to learn or practice a sport or pastime. You will fill out with age and exercise. You don’t need beer - pizza and PE will do it! </p>

<p>I also threw myself into my studies as well, and made friends with one professor and good acquaintances of several others. They could see I had an academic mind/bent, and they appreciated that. It was very rewarding in the end, and after 4 years, I didn’t want to leave the place. I wanted to soak up everything. </p>

<p>Your challenge, it seems, is that some cliques have already formed and you feel like an outsider - so early! Maybe, maybe not - but your window has NOT closed. Even if you’ve ruled out Greek life as a way (and I did too) there are many ways still left to meet people: arts/culture events, student organizations (religious or not), PE classes, perhaps even finding a couple people in each of your academic classes to whom you could pose questions (clarifying the professor’s point, exploring ideas) or with whom to study. </p>

<p>For now, forget transferring. Set yourself a goal of getting through til May, with the solace of knowing you can re-evaluate then if things haven’t changed. You still have an “out” - but don’t dwell on it. Meanwhile, a) put yourself in a position to be noticed (involvement, events, etc) and b) don’t be afraid to make small talk and see where it leads. </p>

<p>Best wishes to you from someone who has been there. As the saying goes, “it gets better.” And not just because of basketball season. There is SO much to enjoy at Duke, but you have to get out there and make yourself part of it. No one will do that for you, and that’s one of the most important lessons to learn of all. </p>

<p>Best wishes for happier days ahead!</p>

14

<p>what you described is exactly how i feel, except i’m a first year grad student.
everyday i show up to class with a smile on my face, but i seem to be invisible to others. but i am too shy to strike up a conversation with anyone. i am extremely socially awkward and i hate myself for it.
everyday i just compare myself to all the other students in class and feel inferior.<br>
i know this is a great opportunity to meet people, except its just not happening. and thinking about how i’m wasting such a good opportunity makes me even more upset.
i wake up every morning, and i’m just so tired of it all that i just want to quit.
and some days when i think about it, i just cry alone in my room.
but then i remind myself of all the study time i’m wasting by crying, so i study… it is quite miserable.</p>

<p>well, … i didn’t help at all. sorry :/</p>